just_some_guy Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I could tell w was agitated on the phone before I got home. When I got in, she had been to her therapist that day and was looking for a fight. She told me that her therapist had her repeat what I have been saying to her about the marriage and how I want to leave. She said it hadn't seemed real to her, until that moment when she heard it from her own lips. These are things that I've been saying for a long time. Like, "I can't sit here and watch you kill yourself with your overeating" and "when we get back from this trip some things have to change." What ensued was pretty nasty. I got the why why why, called some names. Then the "you're making me a failure if you leave" thing. It kept getting worse until she went into the blind rage, ranting in extreme anger, throwing things, breaking things, culminating in her kicking some furniture and hurting her foot. This all has bad, bad mojo for me. It left me virtually unable to move, shaking uncontrollably. Too much resonance and hurt inside me. Some say it is abuse, some say it isn't. I don't know, but I don't like it. She did apologize the next day, after going to an OA meeting. Having been through this with my first wife and her recovery from substance addiction and a father who had some pretty bad rage problems. My ex-w had a substance issue that surfaced after a miscarriage. I had a boundary on substance use, which to her credit, she kept for the remainder of the marriage. But man, her sobriety was accompanied by some severely abusive behavior towards me. I spent a lot of time in programs trying to make it work, but it was just so toxic and destructive to me that I ended that marriage. My current W's problem is overeating, not just overweight but, severe, life-threatening, self-destructive. It is the same, as if she was shooting heroin in her arm from a disease standpoint. In a way, it was a positive step for her, a first glimpse of some kind of recovery, out of the denial. Hoorah for her and working on it in therapy and OA, finally. It took the bottom of me wanting to quit the marriage, but at least she got there before it kills her. We've had some tough conversations over the weekend and finally, my words aren't being blown off or denied away as if never said. But I can't go through this again. Just can't do it. Too hard, too many scars that will never heal. I've been the brunt of rage before, of every emotional outrage, the point of blame for all things big and small. This comes with recovery and I'm not willing or able to be the collateral damage again.
pureinheart Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Hey JSG, You are extremely well worded BTW. I am thinking it might be good for you if you think it would help to read the "gaslighting" thread on the OM/OW forum. It may help you figure out just exactly what is happening here. I just got out of a R with a guy who took everything that ever happened to him out on me, he abused me severely...gaslighting was his MO...it's a very long thread, although it gets deep into abuse issues. People should not be in R's to be abused, we are to be loved and to love, that is the point. (((((((huggss))))) None of this is easy, although it doesnot have to be this hard!
Author just_some_guy Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 I know all about gaslighting from my first wife. When she was actively using, I got an incredibly well crafted dose of that. It was so weird how fast that went down. She went from not-using (as near as anyone can tell) to severe hard drug use in a matter of weeks after the miscarriage. She was really good at it. Weirdly enough, she held a job as the person in charge of drug testing for a huge chemical plant at the time!!! I knew something was really wrong, but she really made me feel like I was paranoid. Found out the truth when one of her suppliers or co-users tattled on her to me on the phone. Confronted her and dug out the evidence, she went into the rehab place first thing in the morning. That roughly covers 7 months of marriage. What had been hidden from me was she had these issues as a teenager, including a stint in rehab then. Even though her parents both knew, they withheld any mention of it since she was supposedly "cured". She emerged from rehab clean and seemingly willing to make a go of it. To her credit, she remained clean and sober for the next nearly 2 years while we tried to work it out. The new sobriety part was horrible. So much emotional warfare was inflicted on me. I tried to tough it out, she would beg me not to leave her one day, then use me as a punching bag the very next day. I had a religious upbringing but I reached the point that of being ready to burn in hell for all eternity than stay another day. My current W is not the same woman. She doesn't exhibit the same level of outright sociopathic behavior that my ex-w did. But this is not good for me and I suspect, due to selecting two different but both essentially addict (substances first, food this time) wives, that my patterns are not healthy for me or her either.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 You attract addicts....have you explored this in therapy? Are you a rescuer......codependent? Get well for yourself. She needs to work on her own issues.
AmeliaApple Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 But I can't go through this again. Just can't do it. Too hard, too many scars that will never heal. I've been the brunt of rage before, of every emotional outrage, the point of blame for all things big and small. This comes with recovery and I'm not willing or able to be the collateral damage again. JSG...take what you are saying here very seriously. You are not able or willing to be the collateral damage again. You owe it to yourself to be able to walk away. I never knew, or thought I knew, much about emotional abuse until recently. My husband is very explosive and, although I believe he does not do it with malicious intent, he is emotionally abusive. We've started therapy and I'm hopeful that will help. All that is to say that I understand where you are coming from. I've made the decision to stay with him as long as he is willing to work on himself. When he is no longer able or willing to do that, I will leave. It sounds like you have made a decision to remove yourself from the abuse, the next part is taking that very unsteady step. But consider the grand scheme of things...while in the moment, all may seem lost, all of us (you included) have traversed those experiences at some point in our past. We thought we wouldn't make it, but we did. A now use the memory of those moments to remind us of our boundaries and of the preciousness that is us. Good luck. ~AA
Author just_some_guy Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 You attract addicts....have you explored this in therapy? Are you a rescuer......codependent? Get well for yourself. She needs to work on her own issues. I've worked this part of myself extensively from the first time around. I was a rescuer to some extent, but no more. I'm not trying to rescue anyone anymore and haven't since the end of the first marriage. Still some boundary and guilt issues to overcome, but I'm not that guy anymore.
Author just_some_guy Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 JSG...take what you are saying here very seriously. You are not able or willing to be the collateral damage again. You owe it to yourself to be able to walk away. It sounds like you have made a decision to remove yourself from the abuse, the next part is taking that very unsteady step. It is difficult, but I'm not sure it rises to abuse, at least of me. My current W suffers from her own issues and I get the side effects of it rather than the brunt of it. Severe, malignant obesity is at the very least related to substance addiction. She is in OA now, and working on the stomach bypass. She has shown me the capacity for denial, for self-destruction, for blind rage. But she isn't the woman (ex-w) from my first marriage, who had a capacity for genuine evil or sociopathic behavior if you want to call it that instead. Indeed, I attract or select addictive people. I think I selected my current W at a time when I wasn't well healed from the first marriage. A few years had elapsed, but the scars were very deep. She was gentle and non-confrontational and I really needed that at the time. But as time elapsed and the weight issue turned into a self-destruction issue and I saw the extremes of her behavior, I realize that her facade is not reflective of who she is on the inside. She had a very unhealthy relationship with her brother (who got sick and passed away), very controlling and very much enabling and gave her the opportunity to turn the focus on him and not her own problems. This isn't a real healthy relationship for me, and it is likely I am not a real healthy person for her.
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