yeyo tornapart Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 i would like to know why does a person who is involved with the OW still continues to keep the wife/girlfriend around. Is it because combined each one separately fulfills your needs? if so why settle for all the drama of living two lives and not just find "the one" who can give you what you want and need? i mean is it the thrill? the chances of getting caught or is the drama desired?
stillafool Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I would love to know the answer to this question myself. So many people pin the questions on the OW and why she dates the MM but I would really like to know why the cheater doesn't let his wife or gf go and move on with his cheating partner.
wheelwright Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Ever heard of in a quandary? When that quandary generally means working out every element of your life - values, love, chidren, finances, career, beliefs ... It's a boot camp for the emotions, and that work doesn't happen overnight. Unfortunately while we go through it, we simultaneously devalue all we hold dear, the BS and AP included. With any luck though, as with a boot camp we come out stronger and better in some way (despite the pain?). Or wiser anyway - like I don't want to do boot camp ever again...
Dexter Morgan Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 i would like to know why does a person who is involved with the OW still continues to keep the wife/girlfriend around. its because they want to be able to f##k around, but want to keep the wife/gf committed so as to keep them from screwing around. they want to cheat, but don't want anyone else to have their unsuspecting partner at home to have anyone else. This goes for female cheaters as well as male.
seibert253 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 its because they want to be able to f##k around, but want to keep the wife/gf committed so as to keep them from screwing around. they want to cheat, but don't want anyone else to have their unsuspecting partner at home to have anyone else. This goes for female cheaters as well as male. Wow Dex, you hit in on the head again. I have a very good friend who is a female. We are actually more like sister and brother. She's also significantly younger than I and fairly attractive. When my W was deep in her A, she used to get so jealous about our relationship that she accused me of cheating, and tried to place limits on our friendship. Pot calling the kettle black I guess.
Samantha0905 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Unfortunately while we go through it, we simultaneously devalue all we hold dear, the BS and AP included. With any luck though, as with a boot camp we come out stronger and better in some way (despite the pain?). Or wiser anyway - like I don't want to do boot camp ever again... Sad, but true about the first sentence quoted above. Amen to that last part. I don't know if I'm better, but I definitely don't want to do boot camp again. OP, I think an AP fills whatever voids the WS feels. I don't think the voids are caused at all by the BS. I think it's just something missing in the WS. Even if a person finds "the one," a long term relationship involves a lot of give and take. Maybe we expect (romanticize) too much. I suppose, for myself, I haven't been a strong enough person to withstand temptation when extremely unhappy.
MadMission Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 i would like to know why does a person who is involved with the OW still continues to keep the wife/girlfriend around. Is it because combined each one separately fulfills your needs? if so why settle for all the drama of living two lives and not just find "the one" who can give you what you want and need? i mean is it the thrill? the chances of getting caught or is the drama desired? Because the BS serves many purposes for the WS: BS = a prop used to maintain the WS's image of a good husband/person/family man BS = part of the package with the nice house, kids, lifestyle BS = nanny/'babysitter', housekeeper, maid, cook, etc....a supporting role to enabling the A...freeing up the WS to engage in the A There are generally many perks associated with keeping the wife. *To avoid shame/judgement by family, friends, neighbors, etc. *To avoid ownership and responsibility in hurting their own kids by betrayal/divorce *To avoid financial loss associated with divorce *To avoid the hassle of dismantling the home, etc. WS are cowards and choose to be deceptive/sneaky because they lack the courage to be honest with themselves or their BS about what is going on in their mind and heart. It's much easier to keep the wife (unaware) because the WS can then spin and perpetuate the lies they tell themselves (and OW) about the BS to justify the A. See, the wife KNOWS the TRUTH about herself and the marriage...so, keeping her in the dark about the A insures that it can continue. Otherwise, the wife may blow the WS's 'cover' by enlightening everyone, including the OW, as the the TRUTH that she (BS) is not at all the villan/bitch she was portrayed to be, nor was the marriage a source of misery for the WS...that it was ALL bullsh*t...so that WS could get to f### another woman, use her, get his ego stroked by her, etc.
stella79 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Hi...I am the OW..here are my MM's excuses for not leaving.. #1...Kids. he doesn't want to hurt the kids. #2...Finances..he can't afford Child suppot/alimony #3...Does not want to be judged harshly by family,friends, ect.. Personally, I think men that continue to live a double life are cowards and will one day regret staying in a bad marriage for the sake of the children.. I'm sure the wives are just as unhappy!!!
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Hi...I am the OW..here are my MM's excuses for not leaving.. #1...Kids. he doesn't want to hurt the kids. #2...Finances..he can't afford Child suppot/alimony #3...Does not want to be judged harshly by family,friends, ect.. Personally, I think men that continue to live a double life are cowards and will one day regret staying in a bad marriage for the sake of the children.. I'm sure the wives are just as unhappy!!! hmmm, have sex with someone elses husband and call him a coward. but yet remain his OW? uh......ok:confused:
stuckinoz Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 I'm sure the wives are just as unhappy!!! I wouldn't be too sure about that. I think that there are marriages / relationships out there - Where one partner is cheating & the other is perfectly happy & thinks life is just dandy. As with my case, my husband was content in our marriage (as horrid at the time as I thought it was - he didn't) I had my affair because I was selfish & kept my husband for security. Also, there are many spouses who KNOW their partner is cheating & turn a blind eye to the whole thing - so that the marriage stays in tact. Whether they are happy or not.
jnd2009 Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 it's only sexual fun on the side. it's the thrill i guess, the drama and chance of being caught is definitely not wanted. neither he or i want to leave either relationship that we're in.
eeyore1981 Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 its because they want to be able to f##k around, but want to keep the wife/gf committed so as to keep them from screwing around. they want to cheat, but don't want anyone else to have their unsuspecting partner at home to have anyone else. This goes for female cheaters as well as male. Yep. In my case, IMO, this is the NUMBER 1 REASON by a long shot of why my H lied and lied and lied and lied. He screwed up our marriage to the point where he couldn't gaslight me into believing I was the problem anymore, so then he started looking for someone new, but he had to keep me in the dark, because what if I found someone new, then what would he do? He would be by himself, and we certainly can't have that. It's okay in his warped little world for him to be with someone else, but he would never be able to stand me being with someone else.
Lizzie60 Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Hi...I am the OW..here are my MM's excuses for not leaving.. #1...Kids. he doesn't want to hurt the kids. #2...Finances..he can't afford Child suppot/alimony #3...Does not want to be judged harshly by family,friends, ect.. Personally, I think men that continue to live a double life are cowards and will one day regret staying in a bad marriage for the sake of the children.. I'm sure the wives are just as unhappy!!! I have to disagree with the bold part...when the WS is very discreet and careful..and the BS has absolutely no doubts... I would tend to believe it's the opposite actually.. the BS would be happier.. since most of the WS are sex starved.. therefore taking pressure off the BS.. Even the kids will be happier seeing their parents happier... so it's a win-win situation...
realworldexplorer Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 i would like to know why does a person who is involved with the OW still continues to keep the wife/girlfriend around. Is it because combined each one separately fulfills your needs? if so why settle for all the drama of living two lives and not just find "the one" who can give you what you want and need? i mean is it the thrill? the chances of getting caught or is the drama desired? After asking my spouse this question 1000 times, she finally broke down and said, "because I wanted it all'. (Greedy, glutonous, selfish). Then I asked why not just move on with OM and leave me be, "because he was temporary while you and I were long distance apart and I wanted you for the rest of my life. (living in the moment, stupid, weak, no foresight, afraid to be alone with own problems). Any way she can now see that when you try to sacrifice other people to have "it all" you end up with less than nothing and with mountains of pain and years of penance and rebuilding (kind of like a baseball bat to the head).
oldlies Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 I know how you feel.. from reading several emails between my husband and a co worker of his ... they wanted the BEST of both worlds.
Virgo1982 Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 No one can be the perfect mate. That's fairy tale land. You can find the best one for you.That's called settling down. But if you're impossible to please, then whoever committs to you is sure to experience heartbreak. If you've already made the mistake of marrying someone who is impossible to please, all you can do is get out or pretend you're happy falling short of their expectations for the rest of your life.
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