Ending a Long-Term College Relationship

[ambivalent]

I'm looking for advice. I'm a senior in college, dating a great guy for nearly two years. We are living together during our last year of college.

 

Neither of us knows what we will be doing after graduation, but I feel like we will be in two very different places (both geographically and job-wise).

 

Our relationship is fine, but I don't feel that spark anymore. I don't know how to communicate this without breaking his heart. Sex is something that I have to mentally prepare myself for, and it doesn't seem enjoyable anymore. We've lost something, or maybe I just have.

 

We will still live together until at least May, but possibly until August. I can't mention anything about these problems until AT LEAST May. Otherwise, I know bad blood would be running through our tiny studio apartment, and we would be under the rule of some artificial deadline.

 

Obviously during this lengthy time together (my second longest relationship and his longest), he's become my best friend and someone who knows nearly everything about me. I would hate to lose him in that capacity, but I don't know how much longer I can keep this romantic side up.

 

I've never broken up with anyone before, and I want to do this as peacefully as possible. And I'm still not even sure if I want to break up.

[kwyser]

You definitely need to sit down and think about it for a while longer, especially since you aren't sure yet.

 

You might also want to talk to him about it. Maybe there is something he could do or stop doing to get the spark back.

[lesoiseaux]

How long have you been feeling this way? My ex broke up with me a couple months ago for reasons pretty similar to yours...basically, he just wasn't feeling it anymore. We are both juniors in college and had dated for about 2 years.

 

I would think about it a bit longer if I were you, just to be sure, but I think you should break up. There's no way to do it without breaking his heart (speaking from the dumpee's position). Spare him the future heartache and yourself the uncertainty..

[scienceguy]

Maybe you should try to communicate your feelings to him? Not everything you wrote to us, but something like "Hey what do you think about us? Where do you think we are going?....I feel this way.." or something like that. Maybe it will get him to start thinking about the future as well, and he will draw a similar conclusion too. Maybe it will get him to open up the conversation with you as well. Take it slow! Don't say, "I want to end it!" but something like "Hey, I'm feeling like we're transitioning into a new phase of our lives and..." Break ups are never easy, but you can help him out a lot by giving him some opportunity to think about the future and communicate his feelings to you as well. This type of approach carries some risk to it (as you may get hurt too), but you'll spare him the fate many of us suffer at this forum---being tortured and wounded for a year (or more) over a break up.

 

Whether or not he would want to be friends with you is a completely different issue altogether. Oftentimes people cannot be friends with their former partners because, at the time of the breakup, they were still deeply in love with the other person. What you can do is to start opening up the conversation with him and see if he will respond. I know it's scary to do this. Most people will wait until their feelings are completely settled before ending things, not communicating about things for months. It's very hard to deal with that sort of silence that occurs, or the painful contrast that comes afterwards--one person is very sad and another person doesn't have a care in the world. But if you want to be friends with him down the road, you'll have to take the risk of getting a little hurt as well.

 

I know this kind of stuff can be done because I've seen other people go through gradual breakups like this.

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. Apologies for the rambling post. I am unfocused and tired right now.

[ambivalent]

Thank you for your responses and insight. I will try to talk to him about it, and we have briefly discussed "the future" a few months ago. The conversation doesn't last long because of course we both get emotional about it. He says he wants to stay together and that I seem like I don't...but these talks haven't happened for a while, so I don't know what they would look like now.

 

What I'm trying to avoid is the breakup I went through about four years ago. I had been dating this guy for about four years (and first came to this forum after our breakup!) and he suddenly dropped the bomb on me that he was done. It's still strange to see him to this day, and he still makes me feel uneasy.

 

I lived alone at the time that this first boyfriend broke up with me, and it was my first time on my own. You can imagine all the destructive things you can do when you're alone, miserable and in a new place where no one will notice when you're not around.