Breaking Up

[malibusupershane]

Ok here goes... I just broke up with my gf on Valentines Day.. Long Story...

 

My girlfriend and I met in the U.S. at a school and we had over 2 amazing months together as a couple. We both decided before she left that we truly had something amazing and did not want it to end. We spent 23 hours together every day and never grew tired of one another. When she was here she had 2 guys fly from 10,000 miles away (one in particular, I'll call him john) come and visit her. She said that he travels often and to think nothing of it. Immediately I had a problem with this individual as he seemed shady to me. I tried my best to be cool about it and let her go off with them without me a few times, even though his visit seemed odd she would be back to their home country in only 3 months from then.

 

Before he left it wound up when she was using his camera to take a picture that he had taken pictures of her and I secretly at the beach kissing and also a voyeur picture of her in her bikini. This really bothered me but I did not make a big deal of it. Her and I fought about him when he arrived as it seemed odd he'd come out 10,000 miles away since he had a girlfriend just to see her, but she said he travels a lot. We had a big fight when I found out when he was here he was trying to find other girls, because my gf assured me when he came out he had no strange intentions since he had a loving gf back home. The guy that came with him he introduced to me as "porno paul." He even brought my gf a piece of jewelry from another unknown individual who apparently liked her and found out she had an American bf now and was worried.

 

We have now spent 1.5 months in a long distance relationship. My gf doesn't drink for health and life experience reasons and knows I do not for health + religious reasons, something I admired that we shared. However, I found out after she left this john who owns the only night club in her small hometown had her serving alcohol to people at his parties before she came to America, and given her past this did not fit her at all.

 

Apparently, this party group was her main group of friends for almost 6 years now and I cannot seem to connect the two up. When we were together in the states we watched sunsets, and the stars and did many meaningful things. I never expected her to have so such a focus on the weekends as I later found out she did. When I bring this up she gets mad and says I always talk seriously.

 

We had many talks about these friends (john is like the leader of the group) before she left, because john and his friends do drugs (not around her) and drive drunk and do many dangerous things, some of which I saw when they were here. She has even told me on more than one occasion they that would try to pick her up driving drunk or get her to drive them around when they are drunk in the middle of the day. In fact, when they arrived they forget their IDs so she signed out a car under her name for them and pretended to drive it off the airport... This really scared me about their influence on her and later I found out they were driving drunk in America in the rental car when it was under her name! She has a prestigious schooling and this worried me she'd put her future on the line for them. She is a very smart girl and a responsible thinker, to see such a blind spot really alarmed me. She assured me that she would never make this mistake again and would have a talk with them about it.

 

She has argued with them about not serving alcohol anymore as she also wondered why she before did this and stood up to them. However, they have not left her alone about this point and keep asking her. She also has revealed to me these friends don't like me as they know I don't like them. These guys are drunk most of the week at a party or behind the wheel, have wealthy parents, and no life goals. My girlfriend is an amazing individual who I see with similar interests as myself, is not currently a rich kid like me, and it brings me to tears to think she cannot see that these individuals are bad for her. She promised before she left that she would distance herself from them... but in the last 5 weeks, 2 of those weeks she has gone to one of their crazy parties, and I mean crazy parties at his own club, and the latest is she had john and one of the friends over at an intimate birthday setting of seven people, to me is the opposite of distancing herself. She has also met them for coffee at least once in the last 5 weeks, which is perfectly fine in my opinion which is something she talked about doing before she had left.

 

It has gotten to the point that we have fought over this individual at least 15 times to where I break down crying because I love my gf so much and would do anything for her but it's also distracting me from my graduate studies. She says I need to trust her and not treat her like a child, but I tell her at her age with her goals she needs to realize they are going in opposite directions and they are not good for her. I explained that they will always be there to drag her down, and I will always be there holding my hand out to pull her up. I just want to see her free of their influence. It seems I am stuck choosing between trusting she will be ok and safe and showing my own frustration in a hope that she will wise up to what is going on and having a fight and get away from them so she doesn't get hurt by their actions or get influenced negatively by them.

 

To be fair this is a small town and it is hard for her to avoid them, but I do feel hurt to a degree that it feels she is choosing them over me. I have prayed for her more than once (I don't pray much) that whether or not we stay together, she will be ok and eventually unplug from this group. I have dealt a lot with manipulative individuals and I know that they don't let go of you easily.

So today on V-Day I broke it off because it is driving me insane, I care so much. I now messaged her asking her to end our relationship because I truly cannot do it entirely. She's so part of me I feel like I'll just fall apart without her..

 

What does anyone think? I'm a new member by the way, sorry for the rant I just have nowhere else to turn. I'm really burnt out from all of this and tearing apart at the seams because I would do anything for her including letting her go if it's like she says that I have unfounded worries and she is just fine living her life without my help. I don't think I am making a big deal out of nothing and this long distance part is really making it hard. Thanks for reading this!

-Malibu

[GGG]

Wow really long post. You must love this girl.

But if you love her so much I don't think you should have broke up with her. I know I sound unreasonable but I think you should have stuck by her even though you find it very hard.

She may appear as though she finds your advices annoying but deep down she probably appreciates it more than you think. She knows you care for her.

 

But I also think it's a bit too much to ask a person to stop seeing a person. I understand how you feel, I always feel that way when my bf talks to friends that I don't aprove of. But it seems the more you ask them to separate, the less they respond.

They become stubborn and pigheaded

I can see you've tried to act cool and accept her friend but it's tough.

Only thing I can say is let her work out for herself what that relationship is costing her. People seem to take on their own ideas more seriously. You can just hope you had an influence on their decision.

 

As you cannot read a book by it's cover, you also can't judge a person by their appearance. There may be aspecs of her that you haven't seen before. Just because you have discovered her past it doesn't mean she's become a different person. I think it's great discovering how your loved one was before you met them, even if it's something you can't quite agree with, because it means you just got that much closer to them. You probably shouldn't try and fit her into a frame of what you think she should be.

 

If you wish for her happiness no matter what happens and if she enjoys being with you and wants to be with you, I think you have your answer.

 

I'm sorry if I appear harsh but I'm just writing my honest response.

I hope things work out and you can concentrate on your studies.