TaylorJayne Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 (edited) Gosh I hope someone can help me. I have been with a man for a year and a half, and just the other day he confessed to me that he cheated on me for the first 6 months of our relationship. Both of the women he cheated on me with were his ex's and he has spoken with them our whole relationship, even after he cheated on me. I suspected the whole time and told him the other day that he either told me the truth or I was leaving, I was devistated when I gave him the ultimatum because I love him. So the other morning he told me the truth and broke my heart. He said he is not interested in them anymore and that he does love me, but at the time he did it he felt as if he was not in love with me. He said he didnt expect to fall for me because we were so different, but now I dont feel as if I can forgive him or trust him and its killing me. I havent felt as if I could ever trust him and whats to stop him from doing it again, but how do I go when I feel so deeply in love with him? Edited February 15, 2010 by TaylorJayne
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 He slept with 2 ex's? And even after he stopped sleeping with them, he still kept intouch with them? Wow. OK, IS he willing to end the friendship with both of his ex's? That's a MUST if you do decide to give him one chance to prove himself to you. It's going to take a long time for you to trust him again, so he has to be willing to not only show you in words, but in actions, that he loves you and makes it up to you. If you end it, which is completely understandable if you do, just know that you will get over him and find someone else. Don't stay with him in fears of being alone.. Either way, take time to think. I give him one tip to the hat - Atleast he told you the truth. Obviously he does care about you and does love you (now) and felt like he couldn't go on with the relationship, which means he's been feeling bad about his poor and selfish choices in the first 6 months of your relationship. Need to ask though..During those 6 months, how serious were you two? Intimate? Did you see him alot? Have sleep overs? Or was it dating and taking it slow?
Author TaylorJayne Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 Whichway- thank you so much for your reply. I want you to know that I am not afraid of being alone, so that is definately not my reason for staying with him. I really do care alot for this man, but I am having a hard time trusting him. During that first six months, we were very close, and we were definately exclusive. I had my suspicions about him, but never did I think that he would actually cheat on me. He and I both even considered the fact that keeping up a relationship with the opposite sex (in secret) would be cheating, and although I had discovered recently that he had been talking to them on a regular basis- it blew my mind when he told me to what degree. Its so hard to leave someone you love, but its equally as painful to hurt him by leaving him. I dont know where to turn.....I feel as if I cant stay and I cant go.
Dolos Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 You're still concerned about hurting him after he cheated on you with two different women for 6 months? I wouldn't give him any credit for telling you either, its not like the guilt consumed him and he told you on his own. You were clearly suspicious and he only told you because he thought you would probably find out on your own anyway. If you forgive him hes just going to do it again, he will clearly disregard the boundaries you set for one another in regards to friendships with the opposite sex, and after all of this hes still talking to the women he cheated on you with.
Art_Critic Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I feel as if I cant stay and I cant go. That may be what you feel but you do know what you must do ? This type of thing isn't about forgiveness in this stage .. it is about self respect. 6 moths doesn't fall underneath the we were just getting to know each other umbrella.. I know what I would do in your shoes but that doesn't mean you should do the same... Only you know deep down what you should do... follow your gut not your heart.
2sunny Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 sure you can leave him. love yourself enough to know that you deserve better for yourself than what he has given you. to stay is only showing him by your actions that you are willing to tolerate his bad behavior. he needs to live with the consequences of that bad behavior - it's not yours to live with. it takes courage - here - i'll give you some of mine! hehe believe me - i have it to loan out... i left after 20 years of marriage - he cheated at the ten year mark - said he'd never do it again... i told him i'd leave if he did - he did - i left without a word or an argument... is that what you want for yourself? nope - you deserve better. life is happy afterwards - i promise - it is happy if you make it that way for yourself.
Author TaylorJayne Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 2Sunny- Sure I would love to have some of your strength! Dolos- You are right- I cannot consider his feelings in this....he is a big boy and and is responsible for his own actions. There is no reconciling; We have talked and talked this through and as soon as we are done talking- i'm right back to not trusting him and I dont believe that he will be faithful, not only that I dont want to be in a relationship where I am always wondering. He and I were best friends and lovers.... I wanna meet someone like Reed from Criminal Minds hahaha (a little older though)
jdefc Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 I'm going through a similar thing at the moment, it all came out about 6 weeks ago and my ex girlfriend is begging me to take her back. I've moved out and am now just starting to get over what she did behind my back. If i can give you any advice it would be look after yourself and try not to think of how he is effected by your decisions. He's made enough decisions without you and probably doesn't deserve you. Its been the worst experience of my life apart from losing loved ones but it's only because i didn't see it coming and afterwards expected to wake up from a surreal nightmare. If you want to leave him and can't forget about what he's done then don't drag your heels it will only prolong your pain. I'll get over this and you will to, it's difficult to live with someone who has treated you so badly and i would be a liar to say i didn't consider it. He will continue to play on your mind in positive and negative ways but it's completely normal. good luck and please look to the future because the present is not how it will always be.
meerkat stew Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 There's a good chance that his disclosure and admissions are a sign that things are heating up again with one of the exes and he is thinking of ending your relationship, but too cowardly to break up with you directly, or even wants to test whether you will put up with such so he can continue. Not certain, but you should entertain this possibility. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you were meant to be together. After his admissions settle in some, IMO, your love for him will begin fading. Sometimes the cracks in the foundation take time to bring it down. Do some reading on the stages of grief and best wishes making a clean break and moving on. A continuing relationship of any health at all is impossible for you and this man now. Any minor upsets in the relationship are going to take you back to 0 progress going forward, so you have to bag it.
Recommended Posts