Heartbreak on V day??

[conehead]

Met a guy a month ago and went out on one date. I realized he had a multi-dating (or at least serial dating) history and went out with 6 girls in a 5 month period. It certainly did not help that I'm a bit insecure as well to say the least. So I blew him off a few times and even cancelled on one date until I finally gave in and went out with him on a second date that was 3 weeks after the first. I enjoy his company and I thought he was cute and I'd always have a big smile on my face whenever he texted/IMed me. That being said, I was not THAT excited about him and there were things about him that bothered me and I didn't think about him all the time. I don't think my feelings for him were that great and wasn't super confident that they'd develop deeper.

 

He asked me out for V day and planned everything out and eventhough I was quite hesitant I did agree to it. I've talked with him a lot on IM and text almost every day. Everything was going well the days before and I was getting excited...even did my nails, picked out my outfit, got him a card and a box of very fancy chocolates.

 

Then the day before V day, he send me a text that said 'Happy Lunar New Year!' It seemed liked one of those mass text you send to everyone since it did not seem personal at all. I was a bit miffed but replied to him nicely nonetheless. He replied back that he had his first lunar new year dinner ever and that it was ALOT of fun. I thought that was cool. Then I went on fb and saw apparently that he had gone out one-one-one with a very pretty and I mean beautiful girl for dinner.

 

Needless to say, eventhough I tried telling myself they are just friends, I went into panic mode. My ex bf had gone out with a girl he said he was just friends with but lied to me about. It occurred to me that I'm just not ready for this. The thought of this new guy enjoying the company of another female who turned out to be really pretty just struck at me really hard. So I cancelled the V day date, telling him I wasn't feeling well (which is true, I didn't feel very after find out he went out with a pretty girl lol). He texted back with "Awww.../cry. Well I hope you feel better." I went to bed with a broken heart. It was like I was getting over a break up eventhough it was just been a month since I've met him.

 

Then just an hour ago he texted me with 'Happy v day jen! I hope you feel better! '. I plan to ignore the text and never talk to or see him again. I feel so bad for him as he seems to be a nice guy and this happened right on V day . I know he will be ok though. My heart is broken as well to know that him and I could have been enjoying our V day dinner right now. *sigh*. But no, will be totally single tonight.

[meerkat stew]

Sorry you decided to cancel your V-day date and are feeling bad about it, but IMO, you need to thicken your skin quite a bit and lose some baggage.

 

Dating six women in five months -may- be multidating technically, but when people use that term, it's more likely they mean six women in one month, not five. How many men have you been out with in the last five months? People who are single may very well date several people over several months, why does that bother you so?

 

You canceled your V-day date because he had dinner with another woman near that time and had pics on FB? He didn't ask her to V Day, he asked -you-. You don't know any circumstances of his dinner. Who cares what your ex BF did? Has this guy given you any indication that he is using you somehow? Is there more to this story that leads you to believe he is not sincere or fishy? At this point, you just don't have any right to get put out if he goes to dinner with someone else. It is certainly your right to nix guys on such criteria, but if your attitude remains this way, you will likely miss some good opportunities.

[tami-chan]

See, I would probably have done the same thing you did. Call it "no confidence" or what not but I just don't really feel like coming to a relationship already on a defensive or facing an obstacle (i.e. another woman on the side). My attitude would be, why subject myself to that ( the wondering, etc.)-there are too many men out there! Why "fight for" some guy's attention, what's on the line?

 

Sure, you COULD have had a wonderful time (or not), but you made the call, no sense in spending time regretting it. You were just a one of his prospects. The only good thing I see here is that he was not hiding the fact that he was "shopping" for a gf.

[conehead]

See, I would probably have done the same thing you did. Call it "no confidence" or what not but I just don't really feel like coming to a relationship already on a defensive or facing an obstacle (i.e. another woman on the side). My attitude would be, why subject myself to that ( the wondering, etc.)-there are too many men out there! Why "fight for" some guy's attention, what's on the line?

 

Sure, you COULD have had a wonderful time (or not), but you made the call, no sense in spending time regretting it. You were just a one of his prospects. The only good thing I see here is that he was not hiding the fact that he was "shopping" for a gf.

 

I feel exactly that! lol I just didn't think it was worth it subjecting myself to all the wondering etc. It was driving me a bit nutz, definitely not healthy. I wouldn't say I regret my decision. I guess I was just here to vent my frustration and my heartbreak I suppose

[The Paper Knight]

See, I would probably have done the same thing you did. Call it "no confidence" or what not but I just don't really feel like coming to a relationship already on a defensive or facing an obstacle (i.e. another woman on the side).

 

WTF! It was their second date! You can't be on the defensive so early with someone and if you have doubts about his dating habits then just ask "are you seeing other people?". Its not that uncommon.

 

My attitude would be, why subject myself to that ( the wondering, etc.)-there are too many men out there! Why "fight for" some guy's attention, what's on the line?

 

You are right tami-chan, there ARE too many men out there and we have to fight them off every potential woman that comes our way, so why can't you girls do the same. I think jealousy is a reassuring attribute for a gf, but soon as a guy gets jealous, he is being needy and its a turn off.

[tami-chan]

WTF! It was their second date! You can't be on the defensive so early with someone and if you have doubts about his dating habits then just ask "are you seeing other people?". Its not that uncommon.

 

There were no doubts. Have you even read her entire post? The guy was multi-dating...nothing wrong that, but if she was uncomfortable with that why subject herself to the agony? It was her prerogative to bail out, as it was the guy's prerogative to shop around for a gf

 

You are right tami-chan, there ARE too many men out there and we have to fight them off every potential woman that comes our way, so why can't you girls do the same. I think jealousy is a reassuring attribute for a gf, but soon as a guy gets jealous, he is being needy and its a turn off.

 

ahm..ok..

[The Paper Knight]

but if she was uncomfortable with that why subject herself to the agony?

 

Ohh, poor princess wants exclusivity after one date.

 

Get with the program! At least he is not trying to hide it.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I think your expectations are unreasonable and you will face this issue repeatedly. I thought multi-dating was dating multiple people at the same time not over a few months.

 

I always assume a man is dating others up until we decide to be exclusive. I know it can be hard when you really like a man, but in the end it is better for him to meet any other women now rather than after the two of you are exclusive, your heart is really involved, and he has a nagging doubt about a woman he didn't date. If another woman is a better fit, wouldn't you prefer he finds out before you get too involved? By removing yourself as an option, he won't have any choice but to be with her.

 

If you think about it, nothing that happens with another women will change whether he likes you better. Only you can affect how he thinks/feels about you - that is something you fully control.

 

From what you said he seemed fairly interested. I think the VDay date was a pretty good sign. Good luck.

[tami-chan]

Ohh, poor princess wants exclusivity after one date.

 

Get with the program! At least he is not trying to hide it.

 

LOL..get with the program? Seriously.:lmao:!

[meerkat stew]

The guy was multi-dating

 

Are you sure? 6 women in 5 months? Not much "multi" there. Dated one woman from a dating site who dated 4 other men in the first week we went out, five more the next. She would call me after these dates and TELL ME ABOUT THEM, as if rubbing my nose in it. She even had one guy who took her bear hunting in Alaska from a helicopter of all things! I kid you not. I won of course in the end

 

OK, have lost many times too in the same situation. OK, not "many," once or twice Point is, when you are dating others, and they are dating others, and you choose each other after that process, it seems to have a better chance of "sticking" long term.

 

it was the guy's prerogative to shop around for a gf

 

His mama told him to shop around. Mine did too. "My mama told me 'You better shop around,' doody doo doo-doo doo doo, you better shoooooooop around!"

[sid3]

Heart broken, after just a few dates, there must have been some serious emotional bonding going on during the intimacy between the two of you during this short amount of time. On second thought, throughout your OP you repeatedly commented on how you weren't too keen on this guy and you were getting a bad vibe so to speak. How silly it really is, not even knowing who the girl he had dinner is, let alone the fact that he had asked you to spend Vday with him, not someone else. So the guy now gets the silient treatment ie; ignored, for his actions. Thats weak. Be honest with him, even though it may be an uncomfortable moment it will actually help you improve yourself in several ways.

[tami-chan]

I don't understand why this is such a big deal. OP does not want to deal with the wondering and did what she thought she needed to do and put an end to it. That's all.

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

Met a guy a month ago and went out on one date. I realized he had a multi-dating (or at least serial dating) history and went out with 6 girls in a 5 month period.

 

Sorry, but this is a bit confusing and vague.

 

What do you mean he "went out with 6 girls in a 5 month period?"

 

Do you mean he simply went on dates and perhaps they didn't work out? Or did he sleep with any of these girls or have flings with them? Were any or all of these simultaneous?

 

Because any of these could mean "he went out with 6 girls in a 5 month period," but there's a world of difference between them.

[tami-chan]

Oh please...stop. This is a guy who went out with a beautiful girl and had a great time about it that he had to share it on facebook I am sure he is hurting.....

 

OP, did he talk about your first date on facebook AND posted pictures about it?

 

Look, OP has some issues from a past relationship. Clearly, she is not ready for this. It is ok for her to back-off and take her time.

[tami-chan]

She should not have made the date or cancelled the date then.

 

says who? there is a rule on this? It is ok to make or cancel dates. Oftentimes, we do not find out things about the other person and how we feel about it until after a date or a couple of dates--when we do, we make a decision to continue or not. Certainly, we want to do it as kindly and as fair as we can..that goes without saying.

 

Women tell men "no" to dates all the time.

 

True and men do not call women back after a date all the time. That is ok, too.

 

If she was not ready for this, why did she accept the date?

 

See above. Some of us are not clairvoyant

[meerkat stew]

I am sure he is hurting.....

 

I heard he is in therapy over this actually. My cousin's sister's friend said.

[tami-chan]

There's no rule other than common decency. If you don't want to date someone, then don't accept their dates. If you have an issue, then bring it up to them rather than make assumptions that may not be true. Leaving someone hanging is not nice nor fair.

 

You don't seem to understand something. OP wanted to go out with the guy..until she found out about the other date-she did not PLAN to feel the way she felt. Do you ALWAYS know the extent of your emotions before hand? I think not. Her issue(s) is, I believe ,has nothing to do with the guy-it is something she has to work on for herself, by herself-obviously, brought to the surface by realizing she was just one of the women the guy was dating.

[conehead]

Thanks Tami-Chan for saying what's in my mind!

 

To clarify for all posters, what he posted on fb was 'Im having my first LNY dinner with Allie and it's awesome! =)'.....he did not post the girl's pic but I looked up her pic on fb as she is the only Allie and Allie is not a common name.

 

I am not assuming they are dating, as they may just be friends. But even if they weren't, the thought of it being POSSIBLE that they are more than friends just was too much for me to handle. I didn't realize this until after what he did and invoked some pretty strong emotions in me, which clearly showed to me that I'm not ready. Like tami said, it was after the fact.

 

By the way, in my OP I did say I cancelled the date the day before. I didn't just stood him up. I really don't think he even cares to think about me right now but if he does enough to contact me, then yes I will explain to him I canceled because I'm not ready to date in this situation. Most likely he is probably enjoying his time with other girls and I doubt I'm in his mind.

[meerkat stew]

he did not post the girl's pic but I looked up her pic on fb as she is the only Allie and Allie is not a common name.

 

On his friend list? or where? Were there any Allisons, Alices, Alicias, Alexes, Alexandras? Your OP made it seem you saw pictures of them together, not that you looked for women named Allie later.

 

I don't think you are ready to be dating at all based on how you are nexting men, one because you paid $10 more on a date one month, now canceling V-Day on a hunch? How do you know he wasn't upset? Men don't generally ask someone they aren't very interested in for V-day.

[tami-chan]

She already blew him off several times and then canceled before any of this. Then she makes the date and cancels with a false excuse. I expect he still thinks she is interested in him. She needs to stop leading him on and tell him she's not interested.

 

She has issues with herself that need to be fixed. She needs to fix these before she does this to other men.

 

This is the process of dating, I suspect. I am not an expert, far from it, actually. But from all the experiences that have been shared here on LS ( and in real life), dating is a very involved process-so many things go into it , apparently ( even though many would claim they do not really "think" about it ) -questions arise like : when do I call? how many times do I call, or should I text? Do I wait for him to ask me out? again? Do I expect him to pay for the date? or do i offer to pay? do I wear jeans or my mini skirt? do I wear this cologne? In her case, she asked herself fi she wanted to go out with him even though he has a history of multi-dating? and she said..yes, she will give it a try.... but wait...he went out with some beautiful girl and she is overwhelmed by her insecurity and it brought back some bad memories-couldn't handle it, so she canceled...what's the big deal?

 

What she did was nothing serious. It is not like she got engaged and did not show up on her wedding day! It seems to me you are trying to make her out into this b*tch who was playing some game.

[tami-chan]

She's not at all a b*tch in any way, but some of her decisions were poor. To be fair, some of his decisions were poor also. She may have hurt this man and she needs to fix her issues before she hurts others in similar ways. I don't want to see her repeat this with another man becuase nobody will end up happy.

 

When you date, your actions affect others.

 

hmmm..let's see..oh there it is...."MAY have hurt"....or NOT...

 

YOU do not want to see her repeat this????????? and who are you, again? this is ridiculous! ! Ahh...reality check, please?

[Sprig]

So I blew him off a few times and even cancelled on one date until I finally gave in and went out with him on a second date that was 3 weeks after the first. I enjoy his company and I thought he was cute and I'd always have a big smile on my face whenever he texted/IMed me. That being said, I was not THAT excited about him and there were things about him that bothered me and I didn't think about him all the time. I don't think my feelings for him were that great and wasn't super confident that they'd develop deeper.

 

Okay, you guys went on one date and then you blew him off and now cancelled yet second date. Now you're are upset because he went out with some female (who could have been just a friend, cousin, or something).Please stop leading this guy on! I'm sure even if he really likes you, he is confused as all heck as to what you want with him.

 

If you want to date this guy, you better get your head on straight and make it up to him.

 

If you don't want to date, then do the grown up thing and let him know you are not interested.

Edited February 16, 2010 by Sprig

[sid3]

if he does enough to contact me, then yes I will explain to him I canceled because I'm not ready to date in this situation.

 

Good idea. That's the best way to handle it, honest, considerate and mature.

And you can feel good that you chose to do so rather than feel guilty for just ignoring him, that also shows class IMO.

[conehead]

Ok LSers, so I finally told him why I cancelled etc this morning. Well, his reaction was not what I expected. I really hate drama, and this was anything but drama-free. So now, he feels bad because he believes he is to blame for my cancelling. Honestly, I dont blame him at all and told him that. I even told him it was my own insecurity issues, and it's not his fault. He told me I'm important to him and that he hasn't had these feelings for anyone ever. He kept pleading and pleading for a second chance.

 

Now aside from incidint with the pretty girl, I learned when I met him that he had just gotten out of a 2 month relationship 2 weeks ago. 2 months was not alot, but it seemed like he really liked her based on his fb statuses about her. As a result, I treaded lightly when it came to him as I don't want to be a rebound. I told him this, which actually made him feel worse because he again think it's his fault. But seriously, I told him it's just that I'm not used to all these 'what ifs' -- what if he's not over his ex, what if he's dating other girls -- so early on in the dating stage. I didnt tell him this, but I never had these problems with my last 3 bfs.

 

I feel very bad as he keeps pleading to me but its just that my gut feeling is that he has these so called 'feelings' for me more out of desperation and being fresh out of a relationship than because he actually likes me for me.

 

Just instincts.