Author sedgwick Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 How (if at all) do you think your time away will affect your feelings for your ex? Apart from not having to worry about bumping into him somewhere, he will still be in your head until you're ready to let him go. Are you looking at this as a chance to put thoughts of him aside? I am so, so, SO ready to let him go, but there is this constant lingering idea that I still need to be punished for what I did to him. And yes, he's been in my head every second of every day (quite literally, except for sometimes when I'm sleeping) since July 2006. I know this is CRAZY, but I find myself saying out loud, at least ten times a day, "Joe and Sedgwick used to be a couple, but he dumped her because he never loved her." Yes, in the third person. I feel like I've completely lost my mind. Every time I am disappointed in myself for something, I say it (not around other people, but I find myself having to whisper it on the street so they can't hear.) It's become a reflex at this point. Today I realized how much I need to try to at least stop doing that. I'm sure he doesn't even remember me at this point, but I remember him constantly in word, thought, and deed.
GrayClouds Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 (edited) I do not believe in the myth of the tortured artist. Being tortured doesn't make for better art, it makes for paralysis. Anyone who does this for any length of time has to get over that romantic fallacy really fast if they want to succeed. It is good to hear you say that. I honestly don't think he's ever felt inadequate for one minute in his life. He has more self-confidence than anyone I've ever met. I never heard him express any insecurity at all. Why should he? He's BRILLIANT. If that is true, and I suspect it is not for even Einstein doubted himself and rumor has it he too was kind of brilliant, it is through knowing our own flaws that makes us human, give us the ability to relate to others, the drive to create ways to express the human condition with both in its beauty and pain. If I were that talented, I wouldn't be insecure either! You are talented but you are still insecure, which suggest that what you are using to judge your worth has nothing to do with talent and talent has nothing to do with removing insecurity. You mean like going to Mexico by myself, for the second time since he dumped me, to study and dance and write, and leaving this city where I live in fear of running into him? I'm not trying to be difficult here, it's just that everything you guys are suggesting are things I've tried. Truly. I am absolutely at a loss as to what else to do. I keep achieving things I never thought I could achieve, but there is always his voice in my head saying, "Well, yeah, but it's not OLD-TIME MUSIC, so it doesn't count." That sounds as if your repeating a pattern; you feel not good enough so you work harder to achieve something good. When you do you still feel inadequate, so you achieve something more, and still it no enough to stop you from the doubt. Maybe it is not about achieving anymore but finding satisfaction within yourself as you are. PS. For your trip pick up the book "bird by bird" by Lamott, quick read but I think you may enjoy it. . Edited February 17, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author sedgwick Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 PS. For your trip pick up the book "bird by bird" by Lamott, quick read but I think you may enjoy it. Read it, loved it!
angelaM Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I know this is CRAZY, but I find myself saying out loud, at least ten times a day, "Joe and Sedgwick used to be a couple, but he dumped her because he never loved her." It's funny you say that because one of the things that has helped me cope with the end of my engagement is to tell myself that he just didn't love me enough. It's still fairly new for me (only about 6 months) and I will openly admit that I still miss him every day and I'm not ready to let go yet, but I am trying to find ways to cope. And for some reason, reminding myself that he didn't love me enough to stay helps me stay focused on the truth. It isn't about my not being good enough, or about his inadequacies. And your situation is the same, really. It isn't that you weren't good enough, or that he was too messed up to appreciate your amazing contribution to his life. He just didn't love you enough to want to make it work. I have no doubt my ex loved me, or that Joe loved you. I am still a worthwhile person, and so are you. That's just the truth of the situation. So maybe you can create a better message to give yourself when thoughts of him come up; something you can repeat as often as necessary until it doesn't hurt quite so much.
Author sedgwick Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 He just didn't love you enough to want to make it work. But he would have, if I had been good enough. He didn't love me enough to make it work because he wanted to find someone as talented and interesting as he is. Honestly, I don't think he ever loved me at all, and I doubt I was significant enough in his life that he even remembers me. The thing that hurts most is how he lied and said he did love me. I just feel I must have been really inferior to be the first person he ever lied to, and I don't know if I'll ever get over the humiliation of that.
angelaM Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 But he would have, if I had been good enough. He didn't love me enough to make it work because he wanted to find someone as talented and interesting as he is. Honestly, I don't think he ever loved me at all, and I doubt I was significant enough in his life that he even remembers me. The thing that hurts most is how he lied and said he did love me. I just feel I must have been really inferior to be the first person he ever lied to, and I don't know if I'll ever get over the humiliation of that. I know you feel this to the depth of your soul, but that doesn't make it true. You believe he was lying when he told you he loved you, but you don't believe he was lying when he said he didn't want to be with you because you aren't a musician. You are choosing to believe that which feeds your belief that you aren't good enough. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm really not. I just think it is within your power to come up with an explanation (or at least a little self-talk) that isn't based on your perception of your inadequacies. That's why, for me, I'm trying to stop at "he didn't love me enough," because that's all I know for sure. The rest is pure speculation about a past over which I have absolutely no control. I just want both of us to feel better!
GrayClouds Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 You believe he was lying when he told you he loved you, but you don't believe he was lying when he said he didn't want to be with you because you aren't a musician. You are choosing to believe that which feeds your belief that you aren't good enough. An extremely accurate insight, AngelaM's. You created an effigy of your EX to in body all of you doubts about yourself, your refusal to let him go mean facing those doubts for what they are; your insecurities. Stop using him to hide from them. Do you not see that is what your doing? Seg why are do you feel like your not good enough, unrelated to him, but just not good enough as you are? Why do you hold on to that belief and work so hard to find confirmation of that belief to be true? Can you give me ten good reasons why that belief is not true (and do not list any accomplishments)? Ps While I am not a big religion guy, Lamott's Traveling Mercies is a great companion book for Bird by Bird
Author sedgwick Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Seg why are do you feel like your not good enough, unrelated to him, but just not good enough as you are? Why do you hold on to that belief and work so hard to find confirmation of that belief to be true? Can you give me ten good reasons why that belief is not true (and do not list any accomplishments)? No, I honestly can't.
GrayClouds Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 No, I honestly can't. Let me start: 1. Has the capacity to love deeply. 2. Highly intelligent individual. 3. Unique sense of aesthetics. 4. Loyal, kind and caring 5. Passion to push your talents. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. I suspect the reason "you cant" has less to do with the fact you do not see these things in yourself but that to allow yourself to start thinking this way means giving up an secure but unhealthy attitude about yourself. It also means that you would have to start let go of this fallacy taht the paain your caring is "Joe". It is easeir to feel bad about yourself then to push yourself to believe better. No matter where you go there you are. If you really want to make the Mexican trip a value work on this list, then work on truly believing what you write, and find ways to remind you of these thing in your everyday actions. I hope your trip is very productive and you get introduced to that amazing person in your life that can give you happiness, you.
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