My V-Day celebration...

[sedgwick]

So, because three years ago today was so amazing (my last V-Day with him, and my best one ever), I decided to do something today to make this one awesome and memorable too.

 

I bought a ticket to Oaxaca, Mexico and paid the first month's rent on a house there! (A whopping $500 USD/mo, or 1/3 what I pay to live in a tiny apartment in NYC.) I'm leaving two weeks from tomorrow! I will now have 10 months in a place where there is no chance whatsoever of running into him, and I'll be there all by myself, proving I can do it.

 

I will, eventually, do something as good and as impressive as playing music, dammit!!!!!! Anyway, happy V-Day, all!

[angelaM]

Sounds like a fun adventure, good for you. Have you been there before? How will you spend your time, do you think?

[curiousnycgirl]

Ooh any shot you are leaving a rent stabilized apt? My friend needs to find one (she is almost 65 and if in a rent stabilixzed apt when she hits her next bday she'll get some type of break).

 

Not to be rude, but hey WTH?

 

Oh and BTW what a FABULOUS way to celebrate - you are doing wonderful things. I am so happy for you!

[USMCHokie]

This sounds great, sedgwick! Have fun and stay safe!

[D-Lish]

 

I'm leaving two weeks from tomorrow! I will now have 10 months in a place where there is no chance whatsoever of running into him, and I'll be there all by myself, proving I can do it.

 

I will, eventually, do something as good and as impressive as playing music, dammit!!!!!! Anyway, happy V-Day, all!

 

You won't find yourself alone in Mexico for too long Sedge- and you've already done something monumentally impressive by being an accomplished and published writer- I'd swim bleeding with Great White Sharks to attain that status.

 

Girl-friend, you need to stop selling yourself short.

 

Enjoy the sun, and say Hola to Cesar for me.

[sedgwick]

Ooh any shot you are leaving a rent stabilized apt?

 

Ha! Here, folks, is how you can tell someone is a New Yorker.

 

Sadly, though, no, it's not rent-stabilized. It's a tiny studio that has been a burden on my finances for entirely too long. I'm done living in Manhattan, totally moving back to Brooklyn when I return!

 

Have you been there before? How will you spend your time, do you think?

 

Yes, I was there in '07. I'll be spending my time teaching bellydance, studying Ballet Folklorico, and writing a book about it. I am thrilled that my editor thinks it's a worthy project!

 

I'd swim bleeding with Great White Sharks to attain that status.

 

I feel like I HAVE!! This has been, without question, the hardest thing I've ever done (except maybe getting over Joe.)

Edited February 15, 2010 by sedgwick

[mickleb]

This has been, without question, the hardest thing I've ever done (except maybe getting over Joe.)

 

You're over him, Seddy? That IS good news.

 

Have a good time in Mehico.

 

Have a good time in Brooklyn when you get back.

 

Have a good time.

 

x

[sedgwick]

You're over him, Seddy? That IS good news.

 

Not at all, but I'm trying!!

[curiousnycgirl]

Ha! Here, folks, is how you can tell someone is a New Yorker.

 

Indeed I am a true New Yorker, but alas now living in NJ. But I call it Manhattan way west - because it's that close.

 

OMG I am so excited you are going to Mexico. Please stay on line and in touch - I want to read all about it and live vicariously through you.

 

Any shot you might open yourself up to possibly "got your groove on?" OMG that would just make me so happy I could plotz! You more than most deserve it soooo much! We all know it, but YOU need to know it too.

[mickleb]

Not at all, but I'm trying!!

 

Oh, boo.

 

As the Nike ads say: just do it.

 

Taking action and having resolve are good starting points.

 

Continuez tout droit..

 

x

[sedgwick]

Any shot you might open yourself up to possibly "got your groove on?" OMG that would just make me so happy I could plotz! You more than most deserve it soooo much! We all know it, but YOU need to know it too.

 

If by "get your groove on" you mean have sex with someone, no. I can't really even imagine having sex again in this lifetime. I would have to love someone as much as I love Joe, and I just don't see that happening. He was so big on "I'll never lie to you, I can't tell anything but the truth," but in fact he told me the biggest lie ever when he said "I love you." One of the things that has been hardest for me to get over is that I was the one person in his life who was so worthless it was okay to lie to me. But I promised I'd love him forever, and by god, I told the truth. There is some virtue in that for me.

 

However, I will do whatever it takes to be happily single. I feel like singledom is what the universe has in store for me, so I'm trying to be okay with it. I can't really imagine anyone ever wanting what I have to give, but that doesn't have to keep me from living a fun life, right?

Edited February 15, 2010 by sedgwick

[mickleb]

But I promised I'd love him forever, and by god, I told the truth. There is some virtue in that for me.

 

Wrongie. There's none. Never 'breaking a promise' to someone who broke all theirs to you is not 'virtuous'. It's a waste of time.

 

I can't really imagine anyone ever wanting what I have to give, but that doesn't have to keep me from living a fun life, right?

 

Er. Yes, it does. Having a 'fun life' with no self-esteem (i.e. knowing how loveable you are) is, in my book, impossible.

 

(Soz).

 

x

[GrayClouds]

Not at all, but I'm trying!!

 

 

Sedgwick hope you understand it is not longer about the ex for you. Your dependency on keeping maintaining a emotional marriage after all this time communicates that the relationship the bucket that is carrying the dirt form a hole that was dug long before this relationship.

 

You are continue trying to prove your love long after he has left, and the only person left you can prove it to is yourself. Why do you think you need to? Who told to you that no matter what person does; hurts you, leaves you, makes you question your own value, that you most continue to love them? When did you learn you have to sacrifice your own happiness and future for some false sense of loyalty? The integrity of your love is not quantified by how long you love them after they are gone but the quality of your love them then they where there. Letting go of the relationship does not mean letting go of your loves intergiry.

 

I hope the change of environment encourages to re-focus on what is really holding you back from letting go. Discover that and you will quickly find deliverance from the haunting of banjo boy's musical manes.

[sedgwick]

You are continue trying to prove your love long after he has left, and the only person left you can prove it to is yourself. Why do you think you need to? Who told to you that no matter what person does; hurts you, leaves you, makes you question your own value, that you most continue to love them? When did you learn you have to sacrifice your own happiness and future for some false sense of loyalty?

 

banjo boy's musical manes.

 

What is a musical mane?

 

As for the rest of it, nobody ever told me that, I just feel it. I wish to god I could fall out of love with him but it just hasn't happened. I've never had a compulsion to keep loving anyone before, but there's a big component of "You may have lied but I told the truth" here. I mean, when he walked out the door, the last words I said to him were, "I love you unconditionally, always, for exactly who you are," and I meant that and somehow feel I should continue to mean it. It feels like the honorable thing to do.

 

And YES OF COURSE I know that all of this is ridiculous and untrue. I even had a little crush on someone else recently for about five minutes, but he told me he wasn't attracted to me and I was humiliated by my inadequacy yet again, and it felt like punishment for "cheating" on Joe.

 

Nobody's ever interested in me anyway, so this is kind of a moot point. For whatever reason, I just don't think romance was meant to be a part of my life. So no, I have NO self-confidence when it comes to that, but I'm trying to just forget about love altogether and build up my confidence in my work. That's going pretty well. I do love life and am very passionate about what I create. I also love learning about what other people create, and that's one of the reasons I'm going to Mexico, to learn about indigenous dance and art. I have great confidence in my ability to learn. (Dammit, all this is really attractive in other people, why can't it be attractive in me? Alas!)

[GrayClouds]

What is a musical mane?

 

ma⋅nes  [mey-neez; Lat. mah-nes] –noun

 

The revered spirit of one who has died

While your ex is not dead, the spirit of this musical man does haunts you.

 

As for the rest of it, nobody ever told me that, I just feel it. I wish to god I could fall out of love with him but it just hasn't happened. I've never had a compulsion to keep loving anyone before, but there's a big component of "You may have lied but I told the truth" here. I mean, when he walked out the door, the last words I said to him were, "I love you unconditionally, always, for exactly who you are," and I meant that and somehow feel I should continue to mean it. It feels like the honorable thing to do.

 

The question still stands, Why? Why do you think it is more honorable to hang on to pain then put your life, your development as a person, your opportunity to heal ahead of that pain

 

And YES OF COURSE I know that all of this is ridiculous and untrue. I even had a little crush on someone else recently for about five minutes, but he told me he wasn't attracted to me and I was humiliated by my inadequacy yet again, and it felt like punishment for "cheating" on Joe.

 

Does not this suggest to you that the "Joe" feelings is not about the Joe but questions of adequacy and that your using your this "compulsion to love" as a way to avoid addressing those feeling of inadequacy.

 

(Dammit, all this is really attractive in other people, why can't it be attractive in me? Alas!)

 

It is along with a list of other things but until you believe that you will only attract individuals that confirm your negative beliefs.

[sedgwick]

Why do you think it is more honorable to hang on to pain then put your life, your development as a person, your opportunity to heal ahead of that pain

 

Honestly, I think it's because I feel I wasted his time, and I deserve to give up an equal or greater amount of my own time as penance. It's hard for me to feel that my personal development is important, because he doesn't think it is -- it would only be important to him if it were music-centered. (However, I am trying to continue to do what I love and to find value in it anyway.) I guess I don't feel like I deserve to heal until I know I have his forgiveness, and because he's not speaking to me, I know I don't have it.

 

I feel a HUGE amount of guilt for having wasted his time. I feel like I took so much music out of the world, because I was selfish and wanted to spend time with him when he could have been playing bass. I've never had such a hard time forgiving myself for anything.

 

I'm also just really, REALLY humiliated that I let him know so soon how I felt about him. I feel like I exposed myself and as such burdened another person, and if I stay in mourning and keep to myself I won't burden anyone else with my love. This brings me some comfort and helps me forgive myself a little bit.

 

Does not this suggest to you that the "Joe" feelings is not about the Joe but questions of adequacy and that your using your this "compulsion to love" as a way to avoid addressing those feeling of inadequacy.

 

I have been through so many years of therapy, I've addressed those issues of inadequacy a million times! I was actually doing really well and was in a good place when we started dating. I had built up some self-confidence and had taken a year off from seeing anyone so I could work on myself. But what that turned out to mean was that I presented myself to him feeling confident in the worth of my love, and then found out when he left me that my very, very best still isn't good enough. That's a really tough thing to live with -- it just left me without any hope at all.

[GrayClouds]

I feel I wasted his time,

It's hard for me to feel that my personal development is important,

I guess I don't feel like I deserve to heal

I feel a HUGE amount of guilt for having wasted his time.

REALLY humiliated that I let him know so soon how I felt about him.

I exposed myself and as such burdened another person,

I won't burden anyone else with my love.

 

 

 

I have been through so many years of therapy, I've addressed those issues of inadequacy a million times!

 

Your statements in bold suggest there is more work to do.

 

I was actually doing really well and was in a good place when we started dating. I had built up some self-confidence and had taken a year off from seeing anyone so I could work on myself. But what that turned out to mean was that I presented myself to him feeling confident in the worth of my love, and then found out when he left me that my very, very best still isn't good enough. That's a really tough thing to live with -- it just left me without any hope at all.

 

Why was his leaving confirmation of you lack of worth rather then confirmation that it was his inadequacies could not appreciate your best? To suggest that your worth can be defined by someones choices negates your own ability to be creative and control your own happiness. So being a women of strength, why are you willing to give that power of away?

[coltsfan1]

Sounds awesome Sedgwick, I went to the nudie bar with some friends. Have fun this an experience of a lifetime.

[sedgwick]

Your statements in bold suggest there is more work to do.

 

I cannot do anymore therapy. I just can't. I am exhausted by it at this point.

 

Why was his leaving confirmation of you lack of worth rather then confirmation that it was his inadequacies could not appreciate your best?

 

So being a women of strength, why are you willing to give that power of away?

 

I'm not sure what "it was his inadequacies could not appreciate your best" means. Do you mean he was the inadequate one because he couldn't appreciate me? I think he would have if I'd been good enough. He appreciated a writer girlfriend before me, and of course the fiddle player. Both of them broke up with him and broke his heart. Of course the writer hurts me more; that tells me that if I were as good a writer as she is, he'd have stayed. And if I'd played music, he'd REALLY have stayed! I truly think he just saw that I wasn't as talented as he is and grew bored. He wanted to find someone who is on his level. I can't blame him for that.

 

I definitely consider myself a strong woman, but I also know when I just can't measure up. I met someone who was way out of my league, fell in love with him, and thought he could love me back. Of COURSE that's humiliating. I feel as though I should just back off until I make myself a more talented and impressive person.

[mickleb]

I cannot do anymore therapy. I just can't. I am exhausted by it at this point.

 

I get this, sweetie, I really do.

 

But may I ask you, directly: What are your hopes and expectations when you come here?

 

x

[sedgwick]

But may I ask you, directly: What are your hopes and expectations when you come here?

 

You mean to LS? Same as everyone else, I guess -- someone to listen and give comfort!

[mickleb]

You mean to LS? Same as everyone else, I guess -- someone to listen and give comfort!

 

Yes, to LS.

 

That's all good.. but how about someone who might help?

 

x

[GrayClouds]

I definitely consider myself a strong woman, but I also know when I just can't measure up. I met someone who was way out of my league, fell in love with him, and thought he could love me back. Of COURSE that's humiliating. I feel as though I should just back off until I make myself a more talented and impressive person.

 

With all do respect, that is compete and utter BULL$HIT. Saying your not good enough is is just a way to let you off the hook of working toward happiness.

 

You just stated that you are here for comfort. Do you mean that as in the verb; to be reassured? Is what your looking for is to be told you are unworthy, that your 3 years of self inflected pain is noble, that choosing a life as a tortured artist is the only way to become good enough to be loved?

 

Or do you mean it as a noun; relief in affliction? If it is the noun, you will find it by first forcing yourself to shift your perspective.

 

Such as:

I'm not sure what "it was his inadequacies could not appreciate your best" means. Do you mean he was the inadequate one because he couldn't appreciate me?

 

For if this guy had more to confidence in himself as a person, who was not so dependent on his worth being defined as a artist, and able to be loved with real intimacy he would have understood the depth of love you gave him. I suspect he has real intimacy issues, like most performers do. And when you offered him something direct and real, it scared the hell out of him because he never allow himself to get so close before. He was not able to handle real love. If he stop playing music tomorrow, you would have still loved him, and that is something that he could not even be able to do for himself. It is his inadequacies that make it impossible to understand difference in concept of love and actual meaning of love.

 

With your lingering sense of inadequacies you chose him because, unconsciously, you knew he would not be able to true appreciate all that you had to offer. Not just talent as a writer and dancer, but a person of intelligent, sensitivity, creativity and depth of feelings. Because he could not appreciate you, you once again found a way to prove to yourself you are not worthy enough.

 

And now it is easier to hold on to that belief than to challenge yourself with a new belief, one that is closer to reality; right now, just as you are, you are more then good enough for anyone. In time you may have more success, you may have less, but that will not change your worth. The only thing that will change it is how you chose to behave as a person, the kindness you show those around around you, and the kindness you offer yourself or more simply put, your capacity to love, starting with yourself.

 

I cannot do anymore therapy. I just can't. I am exhausted by it at this point.

 

I did not suggest therapy, I said more work. You already stated you know what the issues are, so it is no longer about trying to understand them.

 

The work now is understanding when the issue are affecting your life negatively and finding new pattern of behavior so they do not. At the expense of being redundant, instead of using this break-up to confirm negative options of yourself, use the experience of the break-up to show you that these options are incorrect; that you are good enough as you are.

[angelaM]

How (if at all) do you think your time away will affect your feelings for your ex? Apart from not having to worry about bumping into him somewhere, he will still be in your head until you're ready to let him go. Are you looking at this as a chance to put thoughts of him aside?

[sedgwick]

That's all good.. but how about someone who might help?

 

Believe me, I have tried every conceivable thing I thought might help. Meds, DBT, EMDR (trauma-specific therapy), five different doctors. I have NEVER had this kind of trouble getting over something. If you can recommend a therapy, offered in Oaxaca, that I have never tried, I'll do it!

 

Is what your looking for is to be told you are unworthy, that your 3 years of self inflected pain is noble, that choosing a life as a tortured artist is the only way to become good enough to be loved?

 

I do not believe in the myth of the tortured artist. Being tortured doesn't make for better art, it makes for paralysis. Anyone who does this for any length of time has to get over that romantic fallacy really fast if they want to succeed.

 

It is his inadequacies that make it impossible to understand difference in concept of love and actual meaning of love.

 

I honestly don't think he's ever felt inadequate for one minute in his life. He has more self-confidence than anyone I've ever met. I never heard him express any insecurity at all. Why should he? He's BRILLIANT. If I were that talented, I wouldn't be insecure either!

 

With your lingering sense of inadequacies you chose him because, unconsciously, you knew he would not be able to true appreciate all that you had to offer...Because he could not appreciate you, you once again found a way to prove to yourself you are not worthy enough.

 

This is an interesting point. I think you may be onto something here.

 

The work now is understanding when the issue are affecting your life negatively and finding new pattern of behavior so they do not.

 

You mean like going to Mexico by myself, for the second time since he dumped me, to study and dance and write, and leaving this city where I live in fear of running into him? I'm not trying to be difficult here, it's just that everything you guys are suggesting are things I've tried. Truly. I am absolutely at a loss as to what else to do. I keep achieving things I never thought I could achieve, but there is always his voice in my head saying, "Well, yeah, but it's not OLD-TIME MUSIC, so it doesn't count."

Edited February 17, 2010 by sedgwick