Guys, your experiences with women who multidate

February 16, 2010

also don't view it as a competition either. If two people "click", then things work between them. I don't need to jump through hoops for that to happen.

I agree. I think this is a healthy perspective and was something I practiced in my prior dating life. My stbx was M/D'ing when I met her. That didn't stop us from developing an exclusive relationship and getting married, though, in retrospect, some of the aspects of her dating behaviors would present as incompatibilities within our M, but my people-picker was myopic back then.

TBH, if a woman can multi-date and make me feel desired, heard and appreciated when we're together, more power to her. I've met few like that anyway, regardless of dating preferences.

February 16, 2010

I met a girl close to a month ago. We have chatted online a lot and had 2 dates now. She has told me she is talking to other guys and has seen a few others. She has told me honestly she is always scared of making the wrong decision.

We had a great few first dates and I really like her. While it is a little disappointing she is talking to others I am not to concerned about it. She told me I was near the top of the list. Kind of makes it like a compitition to me and I feel i can win.

Now if we get to dates 6, 7, or 8 and still there is no more commitment then i may have some red flags come up. I truly care about her and want whats best for her, and if thats me then terriffic. If not then i hope she is happy.

Just curious, are you going to ask her for a commitment or do you think she should ask you? (I'm just asking this as it related to me once.)

February 16, 2010

Insecurity isn't what's holding me back. I just couldn't take her serious after she told me. Why should I have to compete over a girl? And how full of herself is she to have 3 to 4 guys in competition to get with her? What kind of prize are they going to win?

Some say multidating is a perfect way to get to know what's out there for you but you can easily know if someone is compatible with you through the first 3-5 dates. And in my book, it takes at least 6 months to fully know someone's true character. All multidating is going to do is have you in an emotional spiderweb.

I'm not knocking it, but multidating is just something that goes against my values, and I'd rather not be involved with a girl who sees otherwise. I mean, lol, what would I want with a girl who's going to treat guys like she's shopping in the produce section at Publix?

That also tells me that she's able to have intimate feelings for more than one guy, and that's a big no no for me.

And ontop of everything else she never really told me, I had to ask to find out. She doesn't seem like a great person at all, just somebody with hidden motives out there trying to trap her an investment, not a boyfriend.

Sorry Pro-Multidaters - she got nexted.

Well if you feel like this then you may as well go on to the next girl. Let her go. I don't think it is her fault that guys like her. If she doesn't have a "boyfriend" how else is she going to know who she wants to settle with other than to test the waters. Just because she is going out with them does not mean she is having sex with them. She sounds like she is in high demand and usually girls like that don't have to put out for attention. But, good luck with your next girl.

February 17, 2010

Can someone please define multi-dating?

I may have first dates/meetings with 3 men in a single week. Is that multi-dating?

I think most women assume men are seeing other women until the men broach the exclusivity conversation.

I'm right there with you on this. That's my perception of multi-dating...

February 17, 2010

So IMO *** as long as all people involved** are aware of the situation so that everyone knows that getting attached is at your own risk , then that's fine.

Anytime you meet someone new and begin to get to know them, it is at your own risk.

To multi-date, even with honesty present, a person needs to have a self esteem that is based on more than getting the approval of others. This is why I don't think everyone HAS to be cool with multi-dating. If you know you have a tendency to hang your ego on someone you've just begun to get to know, and you try to date a person who is still getting to know other people, you WILL get hurt. You will not be able to relax, ever needing that seal of approval from them that you made the cut while each time they can't go out with you because they have other plans, twists you up.

And I get that. So if that is you, it is totally understandable that you wouldn't be comfortable dating a multi-dater. Just be real about it instead of pretending there was something wrong with them. You didn't "next" them because they caused you harm or disrespected you, they didn't eff you over. If they do have some personality defect, you know nothing of it. You didn't get to know enough about them to know if they are a good or bad person. You "nexted" them out of self preservation of your ego and your as yet achieved self worth. Lots of people struggle to believe in themselves. But to pretend to reject someone you didn't even get to know? Notice too, you didn't even let THEM get to know YOU - the real crux is you assume they will reject you if enter the situation.

February 17, 2010

Yes that's me in my avatar and in the facebook link. (Oh just realized that link is in my other post)

Like I said earlier, I'm not afraid I won't measure up, I just don't share the same values as her. Yeah she may be in high demand but its because she makes herself easily available, trust me, it wasn't too hard to get her out for the night and grinding on my...that's besides the point.

Point is, I just don't really see much value or interest in a girl who's going to treat guys like she's shopping for shoes. I'm sorry. People are people.

I don't cling to the first person I date. I go on a couple of dates, see where her head is at, what her values, morals and what not are, and make a just decision based on MY best interest. That's just how I handle my dating, and she handles hers a different way. Why should I keep pursuing when there's already an incompatibility? I've already let her go, she doesn't know it, I just erased her number and haven't contacted her since. She hasn't contacted me either but I'm pretty sure she will be when all the other guys on her roster are booked for the night. And that's another reason why I won't be a part of her rotation, I've got too much self respect to play number 2 or 3.

All in all, I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable, and by popular vote and alot of real life opinions, I think I made a good decision and alot of people agree with it.

Besides, I've already got a hot date lined up for the weekend. Yaow!

Edited February 17, 2010 by mr.dream merchant

February 17, 2010

Since when does someone win by default? Dating is still very much a competition, even if you date only one person. And I believe the stakes are a lot higher if you are the only candidate.

Frankly, I think it is beneath me to compete with other guys in multi-dating games. I expect to be judged/tested/assessed for who I am and how much of the requirements of the person I am dating I meet, and not how I rate in comparison to other men.

I think those who are multi-dating either aren't looking for an equal partner but just want to find someone who puts up with the most of their BS or they are multi-dating because their ego can't handle being rejected when they were the only candidate.

But it is interesting to see how different opinions can be. It's like the "who pays for dinner?" thread.

I wish I found this post earlier. This is exactly how I feel. Stockalone hit the nail on the head.

February 17, 2010

And I get that. So if that is you, it is totally understandable that you wouldn't be comfortable dating a multi-dater. Just be real about it instead of pretending there was something wrong with them. You didn't "next" them because they caused you harm or disrespected you, they didn't eff you over. If they do have some personality defect, you know nothing of it. You didn't get to know enough about them to know if they are a good or bad person. You "nexted" them out of self preservation of your ego and your as yet achieved self worth. Lots of people struggle to believe in themselves. But to pretend to reject someone you didn't even get to know? Notice too, you didn't even let THEM get to know YOU - the real crux is you assume they will reject you if enter the situation.

Very good point. I think it is sometimes the ego that makes someone "next" a person without even telling them that they want an exclusive relationship with them. People just assume that they are so wonderful the moment they show interest in you you are supposed to drop everyone else who is interested.

February 17, 2010

Yes that's me in my avatar and in the facebook link. (Oh just realized that link is in my other post)

Like I said earlier, I'm not afraid I won't measure up, I just don't share the same values as her. Yeah she may be in high demand but its because she makes herself easily available, trust me, it wasn't too hard to get her out for the night and grinding on my...that's besides the point.

Point is, I just don't really see much value or interest in a girl who's going to treat guys like she's shopping for shoes. I'm sorry. People are people.

I don't cling to the first person I date. I go on a couple of dates, see where her head is at, what her values, morals and what not are, and make a just decision based on MY best interest. That's just how I handle my dati

ng, and she handles hers a different way. Why should I keep pursuing when there's already an incompatibility? I've already let her go, she doesn't know it, I just erased her number and haven't contacted her since. She hasn't contacted me either but I'm pretty sure she will be when all the other guys on her roster are booked for the night. And that's another reason why I won't be a part of her rotation, I've got too much self respect to play number 2 or 3.

All in all, I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable, and by popular vote and alot of real life opinions, I think I made a good decision and alot of people agree with it.

Besides, I've already got a hot date lined up for the weekend. Yaow!

But, did you tell her how you feel and that you want to be exclusive with her. You are a really goodlooking guy and she probably thinks you are rotating 6 women. She may want to be exclusive with you also but doesn't know how you feel. Most women wait for the man to broach that subject.

February 17, 2010

If I find out a girl is seeing others as well as me then I'll stop seeing her.

That way we both win... Her decision on who to choose is made easier with one less to choose from and I no longer have to give my time to an attention seeker.

Since when does someone win by default? Dating is still very much a competition, even if you date only one person. And I believe the stakes are a lot higher if you are the only candidate.

Frankly, I think it is beneath me to compete with other guys in multi-dating games. I expect to be judged/tested/assessed for who I am and how much of the requirements of the person I am dating I meet, and not how I rate in comparison to other men.

I think those who are multi-dating either aren't looking for an equal partner but just want to find someone who puts up with the most of their BS or they are multi-dating because their ego can't handle being rejected when they were the only candidate.

But it is interesting to see how different opinions can be. It's like the "who pays for dinner?" thread.

Completely agree!

February 17, 2010

Anytime you meet someone new and begin to get to know them, it is at your own risk.

To multi-date, even with honesty present, a person needs to have a self esteem that is based on more than getting the approval of others. This is why I don't think everyone HAS to be cool with multi-dating. If you know you have a tendency to hang your ego on someone you've just begun to get to know, and you try to date a person who is still getting to know other people, you WILL get hurt. You will not be able to relax, ever needing that seal of approval from them that you made the cut while each time they can't go out with you because they have other plans, twists you up.

And I get that. So if that is you, it is totally understandable that you wouldn't be comfortable dating a multi-dater. Just be real about it instead of pretending there was something wrong with them. You didn't "next" them because they caused you harm or disrespected you, they didn't eff you over. If they do have some personality defect, you know nothing of it. You didn't get to know enough about them to know if they are a good or bad person. You "nexted" them out of self preservation of your ego and your as yet achieved self worth. Lots of people struggle to believe in themselves. But to pretend to reject someone you didn't even get to know? Notice too, you didn't even let THEM get to know YOU - the real crux is you assume they will reject you if enter the situation.

And again, s4s, you nailed it!

February 17, 2010

But, did you tell her how you feel and that you want to be exclusive with her. You are a really goodlooking guy and she probably thinks you are rotating 6 women. She may want to be exclusive with you also but doesn't know how you feel. Most women wait for the man to broach that subject.

Nah, I just got rid of her number. She really isn't exclusive material in my eyes anymore. And if she thinks I'm rotating 6 women, cool, that just shows me she's an insecure person - and I've spent 13 months with an insecure GF, NOT.FUN.

February 18, 2010

I don't see any problem in multi-dating in the initial stages.

Hooking up (read: sex) consistently with multiple people is sketchy/deceitful IMO even without an "exclusivity" talk.

February 20, 2010

Goodness, some people get really defensive when everyone else doesn't agree with their philosophies on dating.

Someone else not having the same values as you is a perfectly valid reason to move on to the next person. If you're multidating, it shouldn't matter if someone drops you, anyway; isn't that half the point of multidating? You've got 3 other dudes on speed dial at all times, so you'll always have someone else to string along.

February 21, 2010

Yeah, I don't know why people are on here attacking others, calling them insecure, fear of competition, etc..lol. One having more pride, and self respect than to compete for someone's intimacy is not being insecure.

February 21, 2010

I think this is partially a "two can play at that game" solution, women's answer to the glut of porn out there. OK, you get sexual titillation from hundreds of new women daily -- then I will get emotional and social satisfaction from multiple men who are interested in me.

I think the climate right now makes it very difficult to form a real romantic connection with anybody. Climate change! But seriously, it's a jungle out there.

February 21, 2010

What about those women/men who multidate but they do not admit it.

I do multidating but I would never admit it to my guys. What would I gain by admitting it? It is a huge turn off to get know that you date a multidater. I do not see any need to talk about exclusivity at the begining 0f a relationship. Who even knows how long the relationship is going to last? 3-5 dates or longer?

I think that the girl that says that she multidates has poor common sense. So, if I were a guy, I would definitely drop her.

Edited February 21, 2010 by bac

February 21, 2010

I don't think there's anything wrong with being someone who multi-dates and someone who doesn't. If, like the OP, he's happier dating someone one at a time, that's his choice and his right. If, like others, they're happier multi-dating but being upfront about it, it's also their right and their choice.

I do disparage individuals who aren't open about multi-dating since it doesn't give the other people you're dating, the ability to make their own personal choices due to preference. But on the otherhand, anyone who doesn't ask the other person if they are multi-dating, also has some personal responsibility in allowing themselves to be led on.

The only time I've had a guy not be able to handle multi-dating, was someone who was fine during the initial convo but had issues after he met the other guy, face-to-face. But then the second guy jacked with him by deliberately letting him know, he was the other person.

February 21, 2010

Why should it be my responsibility to ask such a question? Many multidaters aren't thuthful about it anyway.

It's your responsibility to ask because your the one who wants to know.

February 21, 2010

Why should it be my responsibility to ask such a question? Many multidaters aren't thuthful about it anyway.

You all know I was truthful when one of my date asked me if I were multi-dating. Unfortunately, she cannot accept it.

February 22, 2010

What about those women/men who multidate but they do not admit it.
I do multidating but I would never admit it to my guys. What would I gain by admitting it? It is a huge turn off to get know that you date a multidater. I do not see any need to talk about exclusivity at the begining 0f a relationship. Who even knows how long the relationship is going to last? 3-5 dates or longer?

I think that the girl that says that she multidates has poor common sense. So, if I were a guy, I would definitely drop her.

I take it that you are aware that a lot of guys have an issue about this. If you lie about something like this, what else would you lie about?

February 22, 2010

I take it that you are aware that a lot of guys have an issue about this. If you lie about something like this, what else would you lie about?

Those guys multidate themselves. And, they do not admit it.

If they tell me about their dates with other girls, they often say that they are just friends with no benefits.

February 22, 2010

See, idk. I recently went for a fabulous 2nd date with a new girl, we ended up making out for 10 minutes at the end of the date, only to have her tell me there was somone else who she did not mention.

She told me she hoped she hadn't given me the wrong idea.

So, the upshot I get from this thread is that she did nothing wrong by not mentioning her BF and I have no reason yo be miffed, right?

Ny only gripe is that I wouldn't have wasted my time if she already committed to someone else.

February 22, 2010

Mutidating behind someone's back is nothing more than being a player. You clearly prefer to date other players which is fine. I hope you don't do this to someone who's looking for a serious relationship that doesn't behave this way. I'm not holding my breath.

It is imposible to find a man who is looking for a serious LTR in my age group because every man who had a potential for meaningful connection with a female already happily married with kids for many yrs.

February 22, 2010

Mutidating behind someone's back is nothing more than being a player. You clearly prefer to date other players which is fine. I hope you don't do this to someone who's looking for a serious relationship that doesn't behave this way. I'm not holding my breath.

I couldnt agree more. I insist that it is oK to date and get to know people, but once you know that you have one or more people investing feelings in you and yet you cant make up your mind, someone is going to get hurt and I dont think "multidating" entittles anyone to this right.

If you are not in the mind frame for a relationship that is completely fine and I will respect that, but act accordingly and dont lead people on, specially people who have stated that are lookin for more.

Edited February 22, 2010 by TO_Girl

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