Johnny M Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Multi-dating women should be at the bottom of your priority list. Treat them as candidates for the pump 'n dump treatment or put them on the backburner in case things don't work out with a more promising prospect.
Johnny M Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Can someone please define multi-dating? In the past I've used Match.com to meet men. I usually only sign up for a month. I may have first dates/meetings with 3 men in a single week. Is that multi-dating? No, that's not multi-dating. 'First" is the key word here. There is nothing wrong with going on several first dates and then picking the person you liked the most. Multi-dating is when you are seeing more than one person at a time. People who do that are usually either extremely indecisive, want to take advantage of the people they are seeing or are not interested in a serious relationship. 1
donnamaybe Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I think it is a good thing. How are you supposed to find the right person if you latch on to the first halfway suitable person that comes along. Those who are against it could be lazy and insecure Yes, yes, and YES! Some people are INTENT as hell upon making a relationship out of a mere date. As long as a person is honest that they are dating others, what's the big deal? OP, are you afraid you won't measure up?
donnamaybe Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 No, that's not multi-dating. 'First" is the key word here. There is nothing wrong with going on several first dates and then picking the person you liked the most. Multi-dating is when you are seeing more than one person at a time. People who do that are usually either extremely indecisive, want to take advantage of the people they are seeing or are not interested in a serious relationship. Are you seriously able to tell from one single date whether someone is right for you? Wait - lemme get my crystal ball.
Art_Critic Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) I think the people who have a real problem with someone who dates multiple people are just looking for the sure thing.. they don't want any competition and they want to "win" by default. If they can't have that person by default they "next" her.. that will show her.. damn you.. how dare you date more than one person to try and figure out what you want out of a relationship.... Dating is finding out what you want and don't want in a partner and dating multiple people is just another avenue for some people to achieve that. I'm not talking about having sex with more than one person, I am only talking about dating multiple people at once. If you guys haven't figured it out yet.. Dating is a competition.. Edited February 16, 2010 by Art_Critic
Johnny M Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Are you seriously able to tell from one single date whether someone is right for you? No, it often takes years to find out if someone is truly right you. Are you suggesting that people should be multi-dating several prospects for years before committing to one person?
donnamaybe Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 No, it often takes years to find out if someone is truly right you. Are you suggesting that people should be multi-dating several prospects for years before committing to one person? Oh, so it's either one date or a decade? Nice try at redirecting.
Johnny M Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Oh, so it's either one date or a decade? Nice try at redirecting. The point is that after one date, you decide whether the person is definitely not right for you or whether he/she has got potential. If she latter is the case, and you like that person more than the other candidates, you focus on that one person. If it eventually becomes clear that you made the wrong choice, you break up and start anew. Seeing several people, as you are suggesting, is counter-productive because you don't have time to focus on one person. If you are dating 5 people and you see each candidate once every couple of weeks, how long do you think it's going to take you to find out if that person is right for you?
donnamaybe Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 The point is that after one date, you decide whether the person is definitely not right for you or whether he/she has got potential. If she latter is the case, and you like that person more than the other candidates, you focus on that one person. Mere "potential" isn't going to make me DISCONTINUE seeing others who have the same "potential." Why does one have to be "focused" on after one single date? Is it just me, or are there some VERY insecure people in this thread?
Stockalone Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I think the people who have a real problem with someone who dates multiple people are just looking for the sure thing.. they don't want any competition and they want to "win" by default. If they can't have that person by default they "next" her.. that will show her.. damn you.. how dare you date more than one person to try and figure out what you want out of a relationship.... Dating is finding out what you want and don't want in a partner and dating multiple people is just another avenue for some people to achieve that. I'm not talking about having sex with more than one person, I am only talking about dating multiple people at once. If you guys haven't figured it out yet.. Dating is a competition.. Since when does someone win by default? Dating is still very much a competition, even if you date only one person. And I believe the stakes are a lot higher if you are the only candidate. Frankly, I think it is beneath me to compete with other guys in multi-dating games. I expect to be judged/tested/assessed for who I am and how much of the requirements of the person I am dating I meet, and not how I rate in comparison to other men. I think those who are multi-dating either aren't looking for an equal partner but just want to find someone who puts up with the most of their BS or they are multi-dating because their ego can't handle being rejected when they were the only candidate. But it is interesting to see how different opinions can be. It's like the "who pays for dinner?" thread.
carhill Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Given the propensity for and mindsets regarding casual sex these days, I'd prefer not to be giving a lady the pleasure of my non-sexual company as I get to know her whilst she's banging some other guy. It's called being selective. BTDT, married one, getting a divorce. Over and out
donnamaybe Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Given the propensity for and mindsets regarding casual sex these days, I'd prefer not to be giving a lady the pleasure of my non-sexual company as I get to know her whilst she's banging some other guy. It's called being selective. BTDT, married one, getting a divorce. Over and out Um, when I was dating several guys, I wasn't "banging" any of them. That's why you date for awhile - to find out if she (or he) is the wrong or right kind of person for you - STANDING UP! lol
Johnny M Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Mere "potential" isn't going to make me DISCONTINUE seeing others who have the same "potential." Why does one have to be "focused" on after one single date? We are going in circles. I already answered that question.
donnamaybe Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I think the people who have a real problem with someone who dates multiple people are just looking for the sure thing.. they don't want any competition and they want to "win" by default. If they can't have that person by default they "next" her.. that will show her.. damn you.. how dare you date more than one person to try and figure out what you want out of a relationship.... Dating is finding out what you want and don't want in a partner and dating multiple people is just another avenue for some people to achieve that. I'm not talking about having sex with more than one person, I am only talking about dating multiple people at once. If you guys haven't figured it out yet.. Dating is a competition.. I think Art said it quite eloquently.
donnamaybe Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 We are going in circles. I already answered that question. No you didn't. Why do you NEED to be "focused on?" You never answered that question. If you have a NEED for that, that is probably due to something you may feel you are lacking that the other person is going to make up for. Validation.
threebyfate Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Each individual needs to date in the way that makes sense for them. I've multi-dated and also dated one man exclusively, in the past. As long as you're upfront about your multi-dating, it's not a big deal, same as if you're sleeping around. It's when people lie or lie by omission about this, that people get hurt. Deceit is no way to try to start a viable relationship.
carhill Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Plenty of people lie. People-picker exercises
donnamaybe Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Plenty of people lie. People-picker exercises Yep. They can also lie and tell you they are dating only you.
carhill Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Exactly. This is actually a really good exercise. I'm enjoying dating
TO_Girl Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 wow what to say. Im in my opinion it is ok to go out for coffee and hang out with several people at the same time. During the first weeks people shoulnt take dating too seriously as you are just trying out chemistry and the desire to spend more time with someone special...but if in that process you get caught with two or more people that you like equally then what do you do ? Do most of these people have the guts to drop one person ...? Maybe people do, but I believe that in today's society's there are quiet a few out there who are not in the right mind frame or simply dont want a serious relationship and will just continue dating two or more for quiet some time. So IMO *** as long as all people involved** are aware of the situation so that everyone knows that getting attached is at your own risk , then that's fine. But the problem is that most people wont be upfront and then we are creating one or more possibilities of hurting other people... specially when sex is involved... becuase don't tell me that most multidaters ... go out with several people sometimes for months without any sex being involved ! ... eventually someone on either side is going to get attached. **It just happened to me last week, I was seeing a guy, whom I thought ( very naive) was dating only me, then I found out that he was also "just dating " a girl from another city. I had a conversation with him and he denied dating other people. As a result of this he never had the right amount of time to talk to me, spend with me , etc.. therefore even 3 months later he was still "trying to figure things out ". Well if he would have given me more time he would have at least known my middle name by now ... And to him "dating was just dating" .. even though he had a girl travel miles for him for 6 months and he knew I wanted a serious relationship . Bottom line, one concept can't define all , as everyone will take advantage of this concept to fulfill their own needs. There should be a fine line between casually dating /hanging out with a few without leading people on and getting ***involved ** with more than two people at once.
neowulf Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I don't know what the conventions of multi-dating are, but I've come to understand that until you have the "Exclusive" talk, then everything is fair game. People go a date or two and suddenly start picking out curtains. You barely know each other.. why *should* you commit to someone so early on in the piece. That said, I'd never go on more than 2 dates with someone until I had a real sense that it could go somewhere. If I felt that, I wouldn't be dating other people while I pursued that relationship.
donnamaybe Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 TO Girl - the multi-dating this guy was doing provided an opportunity for him to either be honest with you or not. It's a good thing it did, because now you know he's a liar.
carhill Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Is there a difference between committing to dating one person and committing to that person? I think there is and am practicing it currently. I'm finding it actually enhances my people-picker due to focus. YMMV.
neowulf Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Is there a difference between committing to dating one person and committing to that person? I think there is and am practicing it currently. I'm finding it actually enhances my people-picker due to focus. YMMV. I suppose this boils down to how people view dating. In my mind, dating is spending more "one on one" time with someone as a prelude to decide if there's anything "there" that could poentially turn into a relationship. I don't multi-date myself (don't have the memory to keep track of all the dozens of little details..), but I don't have issues with people who do. I also don't view it as a competition either. If two people "click", then things work between them. I don't need to jump through hoops for that to happen. Some of my deepest and most rewarding relationships simply just "happened".
meerkat stew Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 There is nothing deceitful in multi-dating without volunteering that fact to those one dates. It is presumed that before exclusivity, people may date whomever and however many they like. If multi dating is an issue for someone, in the U.S. anyway, it is that person's duty to ask, not the other person's to volunteer private details of their social life out of the blue.
Recommended Posts