kickintheaz Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 So, some of you may remember me from dark times pre xmas 2009.... well they got darker.. I had to go NC on LS for the last month or so, the reminders of the pain was too great and yet here I find myself again. sh**ty xmas and new years emotionally, this carried on into january and then the renewed contact started with ex. the odd txt here, the odd email there, a phone call or 3, a walk in the park, she was STILL confused.. not sure what she wanted, so I started making the mistakes again, asking to date, asking for any way I could help her make her mind up (in my favour of course!).. roll on last week, she suggests coming down to me, this was it I thought, some clarity and maybe a reconciling hug.. NOPE.. talked about everything but what we should've.. roll on the following day, 2 phone calls, she IS confused, doesn't know what she wants but she tried to get the feelings back and can't... depression hits... for the week... wrote a letter and posted it to her, listing all the good things she said or some other such drivel and wondering if she feels those things from the heart how can she then say her heart wouldn't be into 'us'.. cue this morning, another hour long phone call, same as above pretty much.. but she does see us as friends.. isn't that nice! NOT!. she doesn't think it would work.. but she still gets upset by it all?? (WTF!).. there was an argument, tears, laughter, ended with a 'lets cool it' we can't be friends now.. oh and she's not received letter yet (pretty crap postal service at the mo!) I don't think I can ever be friends with the person who ripped out my heart, danced all over it, then tried putting band aids on it on occasion when the guilt crept in.... on the flip side, I can now honestly say that I tried everything, everything I did I did cos it felt right at the time (even when I knew it was the wrong thing to do if that makes sense!) I have given out more olive branches than an olive branch salesman at an olive branch conference.. I have given her every opportunity to come back, to no avail, my only regret is that I turned into a pathetic needy emotional annoying man whilst doing all that.. lesson will be learned from that.. i had been dating a few girls but managed to find fault with them all quite quickly (they weren't the ex was their major flaw!).. so back to square 1 in that regard, when I'm ready... when will that be though I wonder?!?! I have spent 11 months chasing someone who ultimately helped destroy my self esteem and confidence, has given me access to emotions I never felt and has left me a scared little puppy dog, curled up in the corner of life, dreading what thoughts/memory will come next.. 11 months.. that whats having hope did to me.. in all that time I probably managed month and a half tops of NC.. 11 months of my life has gone and I can never get that time back. despite being 'happy' with my actions, i have to recognise that 11 months has passed me by. Every conversation I have had with my friends has contained references to 'ex'.... they very happy this chapter is closing I can tell you.. she may be confused, she may be scared of the future, she may not ever had time to miss me properly, but its her loss... isn't it?? and if it IS her loss, why am I the one on LS seeking some kind of answer? why am I the one avoiding going to bed cos I know I'm gonna cry myself to sleep? why am I the one scared that I'll never feel this strongly for anyone again? why am I the one questioning these questions, I am not supposed to care what she is doing or thinking or if she is sad or happy or pondering... I not to sure what my point is... em, Don't chase em for 11 months.. go NC, don't build a super giant pedastal for them to be placed on... if they say "no", "maybe", "we'll see", "em", walk away, those phrases may never turn into a "yes".. I've to go grow a set now and come to terms with all this.. again.. for fks sake, I am SICK of feeling sad, angry, confused, annoyed, emotional... I can't believe its done.. 11 months and no return.. I feel like a bank now.. Its still hurting...
pgummins Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I've been there man but you're worse off than me. All I can say is move on. For me, I got sick of it, just sick of it. Its like a game. Go on no contact, properly, and she won't be long making up her mind. BIG mistake showing yourself to be depressed, all over this forum the same stories. DON'T be sad on the outside. Fake it. Put on a happy face, thats what a woman wants. I haven't healed, I'm not over my adventure, but I been through what you have been through and I know my advice is right.
Author kickintheaz Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 I've been there man but you're worse off than me. All I can say is move on. For me, I got sick of it, just sick of it. Its like a game. Go on no contact, properly, and she won't be long making up her mind. BIG mistake showing yourself to be depressed, all over this forum the same stories. DON'T be sad on the outside. Fake it. Put on a happy face, thats what a woman wants. I haven't healed, I'm not over my adventure, but I been through what you have been through and I know my advice is right. Thanks PG.. I hear ya... and I am sick of it, but at the same time, I think i've gotten used to playing the victim.. now THAT is pathetic.. I hate this person I have become.. 2 hrs sleep last night, going over and over everything in my head, 'what if', 'why', love to hate her and hate to love her.... I am bored of the emotional rollercoaster... can I get off please? sorry to hear ya've not healed either.. its dam tough isn't it.. but I will take your advice friend and put on a happy face, maybe inside will cop on and start smiling again sooner rather than later...
Sadbutrelieved Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 A positive attitude really does help. At night...well, tylenol pm helps me a great deal.
pgummins Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Thanks PG.. I hear ya... and I am sick of it, but at the same time, I think i've gotten used to playing the victim.. now THAT is pathetic.. I hate this person I have become.. 2 hrs sleep last night, going over and over everything in my head, 'what if', 'why', love to hate her and hate to love her.... I am bored of the emotional rollercoaster... can I get off please? sorry to hear ya've not healed either.. its dam tough isn't it.. but I will take your advice friend and put on a happy face, maybe inside will cop on and start smiling again sooner rather than later... I can't sleep either man. All those what ifs, and we both know that nothing changes by the time we wake up LOL. I don't think we can stop thinking and analysing, it seems impossible except for time. But put on that happy face, it pays
sunrae Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 A positive attitude really does help. At night...well, tylenol pm helps me a great deal. I lived off of Tylenol PM for months after a 3 year relationship ended. I think that was the only way I got to sleep for months...
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