lisette Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I turned 30 at Xmas time last year, a month before that I broke it off with a guy I was seeing for under a year. Anyway, at the time I followed my heart and felt I had no option but to say what I honestly felt: That I could not see us lasting for the long term future. What I am looking for is a husband, and I think, in my limited experience, you do know if the person is someone you might want to marry (I mean, so far I've felt this for people who've not felt it back). Anyway, so I broke it off. But for a long time since I have felt at sea - lost, alone, in a big city (London) and I want to share my time with someone. I keep busy every night mostly with hobbies and interests. But it feels very lonely and empty in my heart and I didn't have that feeling when my ex was in my life - I could always call him up to talk about something funny at work, or some problem. He was a very good friend as well as lover. But as I say, at the time and for a long time before, I had sensed it was not a marriage potential because he would not take the lead, which felt important as I don't want to be the man or strong one in relationship entirely, plus maybe was just a suspicion it wasn't long term and doubt in love is bad. But I'm 30 and feel I have only 3 or 4 years in which to meet the right one. I'm scared!! What if I stay like this - never meeting anyone I care for again and then I've missed the chance to have children and I'm all alone with just maybe cats for company. I'm petrified and feel that if it is not going to change over next few years, then I have made a mistake. Because I care a lot for this boy, respect him and get on with him - he's the best one I have met in my life that I've had a relationship with. But I am sure he has moved on so my talking is pointless. But even so, I need to set my heart and mind at peace, to feel that I have not cursed my life to be an old hag and spinster forever more. I deeply, deeply want a husband and family - I am ready for it at my age and don't know how to hang on and believe that it can happen for me. Please help me please.
soup Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Well IF you couldn't see it working out then you did the right thing. Being alone is hard but if the relationship wasn't OK then you did the only thing you could do to allow yourself to move forward. I kind of feel the same worry as you about the future, I am male and a bit older than you. But you can't force a relationship to work, and you can't look for a new one until you finish the old one. (unless you are a bad person ) BUT.... Your post makes it sound like there weren't any problems with the realtionship, just that you'd been seeing a guy for several months and then YOU created a situation where he had to either marry you or split up. You are going to scare guys off if you start talking about marriage and families within a few months of meeting them. You say you were together "under a year".... how much less than a year? Most people want to start a relationship on a light note, have fun and see where it goes, rather than get the ultimatum "marry me or I'm leaving". Some guys won't ever want to settle down with you, it's true, but very few guys won't be put off by that kind of ultimatum. It makes us feel like sperm donors to be frank. Even though you feel in a hurry, some things can't be rushed.
Author lisette Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 Hi Soup, thanks for writing. When I read your reply, I agreed and laughed a bit at your first para. You can't look whilst with someone, it isn't fair. And I couldn't see it - when you meet someone you really like, you see it! Re the second bit. We went out for about 9 months and I didn't pressure at all or give any ultimatum. It was very, very relaxed - it was all a lot of fun and happiness. But it got to point, where it needed to progress fully - see each other more, meet family, etc. Annd I didn't feel I could or should in my heart make that step. It's just because I so want to meet my husband and have kids that I'm talking about marriage. Being minus boyfriend makes me feel like its about as possible for me as growing huge wings and flying to the moon! Anyway, thanks for the reply - good luck to the both of us
MizzBella Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Hi Lisette, Being alone is really hard - but - and trust me on this one - being with the wrong person (and having children with that person) is much much worse. Most women can have children well into their 30s, so it seems that you have at least 7-8 years to find a husband, which is certainly doable! Some of my friends in their 30s have used dating sites and dated 5-6 people at a time, which kept them busy and gave them a lot of different options. I know the author of His Needs Her Needs recommends dating 30+ people before choosing a spouse... and since most men love challenges, your busy life will seem intriguing to many men.
bluestraps Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Can you explain for us some examples of this man not taking the lead . I am very interested. My ex girlfirend would often tell me that she felt like the man in our relationship. I never really got a good explanation out of her . DO you see yourself as a strong woman. Maybe you did not let him be the man. I personaly like a woman who is bold maybe because I am also bold. Maybe you are looking at it from the wrong perspective. It seems as you love the man.
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