murphomatic Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I've been seeing a girl now for almost a year whom I've had some problems with.. to put it lightly, our relationship has been rocky for several reasons... some of my previous posts on this are here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193048/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193240/ We've discussed her problem with drinking, and I've been attentding AlAnon to try to get some tools to deal with this. She's said she wants to make an effort to stop drinking, but in the last couple of days - it has become apparent that she cannot stay away from the alcohol. It has disappointed me in the extreme where she chose on Thursday night to consume a bottle of champagne in front of me, and then Friday tried to hide a bottle of wine that she drank at 11am while I was working (came home that night and noticed the bottle tucked away in the garbage in what seemed like a half-assed effort to conceal it from me). Needless to say, I've lost hope that she can change this aspect of her, and it has ruined what little hope I had for the future of our relationship... I've told her that I will under no circumstances build a life with an active alcoholic. Last night I took her home and when I got back, found she'd stolen something from me. I will state up-front that I occasionally enjoy smoking some herb, but my usage is light and fairly infrequent. She, on the other hand, is a fiend for it, and panics when she runs out. I had a little bit of a stash that I'd hidden away in the house to save for later whenever I felt like having some. Last night was that night as I was preparing some valentine's day gifts for her. I reached up in the cupboard and found that she'd already beaten me to it sometime on Friday ... probably while she was consuming the wine she attempted to hide from me as the bag it was in was hidden away in the garbage next to the wine bottle.. It was at that point I truly realized her lack of respect for me. I feel this behavior over the last 3 days demands an immediate response from me. We went out Friday night for dinner, and she drank more wine in front of me (again, I found myself so disappointed in her), and on the way home - she asks me in slurred speech if I was happy in our relationship. While I desperately wanted to have the conversation with her to tell her no - in fact I am very unhappy - I didn't want to discuss it with her while she was drunk..so I blew off her question with the response that I was "fine". So now here it is Valentine's Day, and I've finally reached the point that I don't feel our relationship can continue. The things about her that are deal-breakers for me will never change, and I'm probably stupid for hoping that they would and for hanging on as long as I have, despite the advice of other LS members, friends, and family. I'm dreading calling her up to discuss this and break up with her because of the nature of this day, but I feel like I've been put in this position and in no way can I fake my way through this day with her. I've never been dishonest with her, it's just not who I am .. with anyone. I have thought up a couple of scenarios in my head to deal with this. 1. Send her a text stating we need to talk, asking if she's in a place where she can talk freely with me, and then if so - calling her and having it out over the phone. 2. Just call her and catch her off-guard to talk. 3. Going to her house and having this discussion face-to-face. 4. Brushing her off for the day and avoiding the conversation until tomorrow. 5. Faking my way through the day (I can't see how I could pull this off - my heart is just not in it anymore, and I really despise the notion of leading her on). Your opinions are welcome - I'd love some objectivity here..
name witheld Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 You can't dump her on valentines day. Because no matter what the reasons are, you will be wrong for it. I would say fake the day and hopefully it will go smoothly. If she notices anything just say your not feeling well. You can then give it a couple of days and then go to see her face to face. As for how you do it I think it depends on the level of involvement you had - face to face if love was involved, courtesy phone call for dating and just disappearing for one night stands etc. Obviously you would be in the face to face category. Best of luck.
aimchase Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 This is a tricky one. If you break it today the date will be noted and will be raised to all and sundry, meaning you're painted as a heartless b****rd. But then again, if you did it tomorrow she'll just complain that the previous day was all false etc. It's a bit like when people split around christmas. Some feel terrible doing it in the build up to 25th December as it shatters all the plans and ruins the event for everyone, but if you split after it can appear that you were just out for what you could get. The answer - do what's right for you. I think you probably need to just say it today and explain that it would be more disrespectful to leave it for another day. Regarding the alocholism and stealing, i've seen an alcoholic first hand and unfortunately it is a very common habit to steal in order to fund their addiction. They get themselves to a position where alcohol comes before any person, no matter how close. That's not a criticism to them but a recognition of how desperate a situation they get themselves in. The person I knew stole jewellery from our house and sold various items in his parents house too. It's clearly not a life you want. Good on you for moving on. There will be no easy day to get this done, so do it as soon as you can.
Author murphomatic Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 You can't dump her on valentines day. Because no matter what the reasons are, you will be wrong for it. I would say fake the day and hopefully it will go smoothly. If she notices anything just say your not feeling well. You can then give it a couple of days and then go to see her face to face. Yeah - that's my fear.. that my reasons won't reach her because of the nature of the day. The last couple days I have been getting sick, and she knows this, and today I feel like I'm full-blown sick. I'm tempted to just text her and tell her I'm sick in bed today and will have to raincheck today for later.. This is a tricky one. If you break it today the date will be noted and will be raised to all and sundry, meaning you're painted as a heartless b****rd. But then again, if you did it tomorrow she'll just complain that the previous day was all false etc. EXACTLY my problem.. I feel like I'm between a serious rock and a hard place.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 White lie. Tell her you're sick, stomach bug and will talk to her tomorrow. I know that's wrong but atleast it gets you out of spending the evening with her when your heart isn't in it and you know you're about to break up with her.
D-Lish Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 White lie. Tell her you're sick, stomach bug and will talk to her tomorrow. I know that's wrong but atleast it gets you out of spending the evening with her when your heart isn't in it and you know you're about to break up with her. Agree with WWIU. I wouldn't fake it through the day, nor would I break up with her on V-day. Give it a day or two- and do it face to face.
Sadbutrelieved Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I agree with the others; get out of seeing her today somehow, and spring it on her in a couple days. I can see why you can't take any more of her. My ex would do the same kind of thing, and it was obvious who did it since no one else had been in the house, but he'd never admit it. Having someone like that around is toxic. What makes people do things like that...I mean, really...do they think they are entitled? Makes me sick. Good luck with your talk with her.
harmfulsweetz Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I've broken up with someone on V. Day, I didn't intend it, but it felt right. The timing couldn't have been worse, but in all fairness, a break up is just that. It will hurt no matter when you do it, how you do it, there's no way to soften the blow, we just have to try. I've also broken up with someone in the run-up to christmas. I don't like to think about certain holidays and such when breaking up with someone, because there'll always be something. Always. If its not christmas, it's new year, if it's not new year, its V.day etc etc. You have to do what is right for you and what feels best. I wouldn't ever break up with someone over the phone. It's cowardly. Show the relationship respect and do the honorable thing, do it face to face. It isn't easy, no, but you can't just pick up the phone and say you're finished, because what does that say about you? Good luck, just be honest, and make it short.
Author murphomatic Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 I opt'd for the white-lie.. I am truly sick today, and DO feel it would best if I laid low, otherwise I'll be dealing with this crap all week while trying to work. I sent her a text saying that I was sick and needed to stay in bed..stating I was sorry and asked if we could raincheck today. I know her well enough to gauge the tone of her texts - her response was a terse "yep. feel better." She's obviously tweaked about it (and she's always jealous and suspicous, so probably thinks I'm cheating on her), but at least I don't have to confront this situation today of all days. I know it will be hard no matter what day it is, and there will always be something to justify not doing it for reasons of bad timing, but I just couldn't deal with it today. I will definitely have the conversation with her face-to-face tomorrow or the next day. It won't feel good at all - I know and expect this...I'm already feeling so much anxiety over it. At least I won't be the bastard who broke her heart on Love Day... I'll be the bastard who broke her heart the day after Love Day..
Author murphomatic Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 HAHAHAHAHA!! I sent her my text that I was sick today and wanted a raincheck for valentine's day ... and she sent me an email dumping me. I replied in-kind, expressed our mutuality on the termination of the relationship, said everything I wanted to say, and told her to never contact me again. I feel so relieved... ! Thanks everyone for your input on this.. case closed!
DenverBachelor Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 HAHAHAHAHA!! I sent her my text that I was sick today and wanted a raincheck for valentine's day ... and she sent me an email dumping me. I replied in-kind, expressed our mutuality on the termination of the relationship, said everything I wanted to say, and told her to never contact me again. I feel so relieved... ! Thanks everyone for your input on this.. case closed! I guess LS will be getting a new member shortly when she realizes her bluff was called.
thegoodlife Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Well that made it easier for you! Though it is a terrible thing to break up with someone on v-day, sometimes when something is over, it just has to be over. Good luck in the future!
Art_Critic Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 She did the preemptive dump... At least she was smart enough or sober enough to see it coming, it made it a bit easier for you..
Author murphomatic Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 She did the preemptive dump... At least she was smart enough or sober enough to see it coming, it made it a bit easier for you..She's definitely intelligent, and you're probably right - she sensed something was up and went for the preemptive strike. I've never doubted her intelligence, but her judgment is completely non-existent. I'm so relieved to finally be free of her and have the chance to move on.
D-Lish Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 She's definitely intelligent, and you're probably right - she sensed something was up and went for the preemptive strike. I've never doubted her intelligence, but her judgment is completely non-existent. I'm so relieved to finally be free of her and have the chance to move on. Well that is good, it lets you off the hook. I doubt however that this will be the last you will hear from her... I suspect, as Art mentioned, she was fishing to see if you were breaking up with her. The last time I did a pre-emptive dump, he too came back agreeing with me. I knew it was going to happen.
Author murphomatic Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 Well that is good, it lets you off the hook. I doubt however that this will be the last you will hear from her... I suspect, as Art mentioned, she was fishing to see if you were breaking up with her. The last time I did a pre-emptive dump, he too came back agreeing with me. I knew it was going to happen.I suspect she'll make an effort. Sadly - I will not play. I've already removed her from all e-aspects ... facebook, myspace, blocked her email, etc. HA! She just called my cell phone as I type this. I didn't answer. Sent her right to voicemail, and will see if my wireless carrier can just block her number.
D-Lish Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I suspect she'll make an effort. Sadly - I will not play. I've already removed her from all e-aspects ... facebook, myspace, blocked her email, etc. HA! She just called my cell phone as I type this. I didn't answer. Sent her right to voicemail, and will see if my wireless carrier can just block her number. Well stay strong- she's going to keep calling. She's probably at home loaded, smoking the last of your stash:laugh:
Art_Critic Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 She's probably at home loaded, smoking the last of your stash:laugh: I just laughed out loud....Sorry dude.. D-lish nailed it...
Author murphomatic Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 I just laughed out loud....Sorry dude.. D-lish nailed it...**** - don't be sorry man - I'm right on track with you guys. D-Lish absolutely nailed it and I LOL'd too. Perfect shot. Love it!
DenverBachelor Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 **** - don't be sorry man - I'm right on track with you guys. D-Lish absolutely nailed it and I LOL'd too. Perfect shot. Love it! In all seriousness, when she sobers up and a few days pass and she realizes this isn't a game and you're serious, you may very well have a psycho on your hands for a few weeks. She may turn into a full-fledged stalker. Not that I know anything about stalking, except academically through a court order being falsely accused of it. But anyway, happy V-day! Sorry your stash is gone. Denver / Boulder is a Mecca for that. I haven't paid for any in months.
Author murphomatic Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 In all seriousness, when she sobers up and a few days pass and she realizes this isn't a game and you're serious, you may very well have a psycho on your hands for a few weeks. She may turn into a full-fledged stalker. Not that I know anything about stalking, except academically through a court order being falsely accused of it. But anyway, happy V-day! Sorry your stash is gone. Denver / Boulder is a Mecca for that. I haven't paid for any in months.I suspect you're probably right. She's told me the horror stories of how she's broken into past boyfriends' houses and stolen stuff. I work in security and surveillance, so if she shows up at my house or business - I'll know about it right away. She'll find herself criminally trespassed from the premises. If she threatens me in any way, I'll have her served with a restraining order. If she goes beyond that and I fear for my life and/or safety at any point, I'm a big believer and practitioner of my 2nd amendment rights. She knows all this and would be woefully stupid to try to seek any kind of retaliation toward me. Sheeeit - she's the one that dumped me anyway! LMAO! Thanks for the V-day wishes.. I'm not at all concerned about the stash - like I said, my use is pretty minor and infrequent..it's the principal of the thing that pissed me off so badly. That she'd just freely help herself to my personal digs without any concern for what I might think. I mean - hell, if it'd been a pile of hundred dollar bills sitting up in the cupboard, she probably would've gone shopping...
D-Lish Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 (edited) - hell, if it'd been a pile of hundred dollar bills sitting up in the cupboard, she probably would've gone shopping... and you would have come home to a house full of empty wine bottles most likely. "hippy walentine's day baaaby... ((hiccup))" Edited February 15, 2010 by D-Lish
Author murphomatic Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 and you would have come home to a house full of empty wine bottles most likely. "hippy walentine's day baaaby... ((hiccup))" HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'll be damned if you all haven't helped to brighten my day today immensely. Thank you all so much for the laughs and advice. Truly a priceless forum here. :D
D-Lish Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'll be damned if you all haven't helped to brighten my day today immensely. Thank you all so much for the laughs and advice. Truly a priceless forum here. :D Well, in all honesty, sounds like you dodged a bullet with this one. When I saw the snippet about her drinking a bottle of wine before noon, I made this face --->
Author murphomatic Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Well, in all honesty, sounds like you dodged a bullet with this one. When I saw the snippet about her drinking a bottle of wine before noon, I made this face ---> Yeah, I'm thinking I dodged one too ... things could've definitely gotten a lot more messy. As for right now, nothing ties me to her - so I'm free. Got a text message from her early yesterday morning asking if we could at least talk, that's she's "absolutely dying of heartbreak and is scared." I deleted the text and haven't contacted her or looked back. I feel mixed about this ... even though I was ready to dump her, she dumped me first by sending me the email on Valentine's Day...so I'm irritated that now she "wants to talk". At the same time though, I did honestly love her - but I just couldn't deal with the disappointment any longer...I feel bad that she's heartbroken, and I feel even worse that her little boy will also be heartbroken when he discovers I'm gone. Anyway - I guess I'm just typing this in an effort to keep myself strong, resist the urge to contact her, and just stay underground and NC.
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