he has done it again.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

xmm and i have been NC for quite some time now. its terribly painful, i have no idea if its helping or hurting its really just torture. ive fallen into a hole, i really dont have the strength to keep going anymore. and its not about him or about my M or anything specific. its just this deep dark depression that i cannot seem to shake. (yes im in treatment, still waiting to feel the effects)

 

so im just trying to survive. and honestly if i had a way to give up i would.

 

and so im hesitant to disclose too much information here, but he indirectly said and did some things through other people that have caused new wounds and reopened old ones.

 

i havent had contact with him. im not going to. but the NC hasnt made the hurt go away, im still very much destroyed by the ending of our A and now this is just the blow that i think i cannot handle. he still has this hold over me that although i knkow better better i simply cannot shake it. i realize that.

 

i think it will come with time but as of right now im sad. just looking for some friendly support to help a heart that is hurting.

Edited February 14, 2010 by mybrowneyedgirl

[anne1707]

MBEG

 

This man is not worth your tears or your pain. You are so much better off without him. He has well and truly shown his colours and they are not good. Get angry if you need to get out of your system but don't give him the benefit of wasting yet more of your life on him.

[MizFit]

I'm so sorry MBEG...you've suffered through so much. You've worked so hard. Please stay the course and look at this latest action of his as the ultimate slap in not only your face, but his wifes as well. I know that's so difficult to do...please just don't let all of your hard work fall by the wayside.

 

Lean on everyone here...scream...drink wine...do whatever you need to get through it. He continually shows what absolute scum he is...you continue showing what a star you are.

 

xx

[9Lives]

xmm and i have been NC for quite some time now. its terribly painful, i have no idea if its helping or hurting its really just torture. ive fallen into a hole, i really dont have the strength to keep going anymore. and its not about him or about my M or anything specific. its just this deep dark depression that i cannot seem to shake. (yes im in treatment, still waiting to feel the effects)

 

so im just trying to survive. and honestly if i had a way to give up i would.

 

and so im hesitant to disclose too much information here, but he indirectly said and did some things through other people that have caused new wounds and reopened old ones.

 

i havent had contact with him. im not going to. but the NC hasnt made the hurt go away, im still very much destroyed by the ending of our A and now this is just the blow that i think i cannot handle. he still has this hold over me that although i knkow better better i simply cannot shake it. i realize that.

 

i think it will come with time but as of right now im sad. just looking for some friendly support to help a heart that is hurting.

 

why are you sad? is it because you want him back? If so, he will be back so stop crying. They always come back. dont worry. Then you can do this whole thing some more and then come back here again when it is driving you crazy. So dont be sad. You will be okay

[pureinheart]

xmm and i have been NC for quite some time now. its terribly painful, i have no idea if its helping or hurting its really just torture. ive fallen into a hole, i really dont have the strength to keep going anymore. and its not about him or about my M or anything specific. its just this deep dark depression that i cannot seem to shake. (yes im in treatment, still waiting to feel the effects)

 

so im just trying to survive. and honestly if i had a way to give up i would.

 

and so im hesitant to disclose too much information here, but he indirectly said and did some things through other people that have caused new wounds and reopened old ones.

 

i havent had contact with him. im not going to. but the NC hasnt made the hurt go away, im still very much destroyed by the ending of our A and now this is just the blow that i think i cannot handle. he still has this hold over me that although i knkow better better i simply cannot shake it. i realize that.

 

i think it will come with time but as of right now im sad. just looking for some friendly support to help a heart that is hurting.

 

I have become a pro at NC because Pyro (exDM) will do what MM is doing to you....he will blow up my phone, use others to get messages to me, beg...ect...like a dumb as* I have fallen for it everytime.

 

I need to not fall for it this time....

 

I am not sure quite how to word this, although NC is basically withdrawl and it does take time....

 

It is like a drug and one can use the same methods that one uses for coming off of drinking/drugs....

 

The 12 step program...one thing at a time, one day at a time. Some days will be worse, some hours will be worse, although IT WILL PASS.

 

Try to think of everything possitive...ok, now if you were withdrawing from drugs you would be like way sick.....BUT you can get up and do stuff, so this is a possitive...I know you don't WANT to do stuff, BUT you can!

 

Watch/read everything that is uplifting...music, ummmmm all sorts of things.

 

Minimize MM and maximize everything else that is good in your life...you have a roof over your head, ummmmm you know....make a list of what you are REALLY loosing by not being with MM anymore, then make a list of what is good and worth living for.

 

Actually what you are loosing is good by not being with MM.

 

I understand that hold, at times I used to think "it was meant to be" because of that "hold" or whatever...actually it is quite demonic in nature and is meant to destroy....it is not love. My prayers are with you (((huggggs)))

[mybrowneyedgirl]

no, i dont want him back. i just want to not hurt anymore. i want to wake up just one day and not think of him. i want this never to have happened. i want it just to stop. just when i think that there can be no more he hits me with something else.

 

NC is my only chance at this. and its not hard for me to maintain it at all. im not tempted to contact him. but NC is NC and that is a separate entity from my feelings. they say it comes after time, but time is not healing it for me. because even though im NC with him, there always seems to be some way of him hurting me. like the most recent events...

 

i know he is scum. but my heart just wont let go of the person that i loved for so long. and so its not HIM that im missing, its the person he pretended to be.

 

i pray that feelings start to subside soon, but after so many months of pain its just added up to the point that it has overwhelmed me.

 

ive spent the day in bed crying. i just dont know what to do.

[Devil Inside]

MBEG

 

I promise you that this will not be your reality forever. There will come a day when it hurts just a little less. You will find the strength and energy to walk out the door and run an errand, exercise, or heaven forbid have some fun.

 

Soon you will have a day where you realize you did not think about him all day. You will be really proud of how far you have come, even though there will be some sadness.

 

Then comes the day where you try to remember what he looks like and you can't. Or you hear a song or even see a picture and there is not immediate and intense physiological reaction. You will wonder why you were so torn up.

 

This will all happen..it will take time, it's a process, some days you will feel better than others. Chin up. Hang in there.

[BurriedAlive]

no, i dont want him back. i just want to not hurt anymore. i want to wake up just one day and not think of him. i want this never to have happened. i want it just to stop. just when i think that there can be no more he hits me with something else.

 

NC is my only chance at this. and its not hard for me to maintain it at all. im not tempted to contact him. but NC is NC and that is a separate entity from my feelings. they say it comes after time, but time is not healing it for me. because even though im NC with him, there always seems to be some way of him hurting me. like the most recent events...

 

i know he is scum. but my heart just wont let go of the person that i loved for so long. and so its not HIM that im missing, its the person he pretended to be.

 

i pray that feelings start to subside soon, but after so many months of pain its just added up to the point that it has overwhelmed me.

 

ive spent the day in bed crying. i just dont know what to do.

 

I have bolded the statement in your post that means the most. The key here is that you don't want a two timing jerk as part of your life and he will never be the man you need and want.

 

You will be very happy to know that it does get better, I promise! It took me a full two years before I was over my xMM. As NC went from days to weeks to months, I was able to look back and say things like "wow, I am a little better this month than I was last month" and then "this year was much easier than last year." The end of the A was by far, the hardest thing I have ever gone through. And because of it, I know that I can handle absolutely anything life throws at me now. Happiness is not an instant thing, it is a gradual thing.

 

 

Stay strong.. it WILL get better!

[fooled once]

Until you quit giving him the power to hurt you, he will continue to hurt you.

 

You DO have the power, but you need to take it. You need to get yourself together and focus on what is most important in your life.

 

That would be your kids.

 

Where are they while you spend yet another day in bed crying over this affair that has almost completely destroyed you?

 

MBEG, I am NOT saying this to be mean -- but it has been months since the affair stopped, correct? When are you going to stop this? When are you going to take your power back?

 

You do have it within you to stop this, but you have to decide you are done crying over him.

 

I wish you happiness and I hope you can find yourself again and realize what IS important in your life.

[RedDevil66]

I know your pain so well. All I can offer is tips on how I moved past the pain and was ok.

 

I went out all the time, wrote in my journal daily, went to therapy, worked out at the gym daily, ran, walked, listened to music and got angry. Anger got me through the worst of it. Anger at myself for being so silly. Anger at him for the pain.

 

Then my anger turned to self love.

 

Like the pain of childbirth, this pain will be forgotten. You just need to stay focused and REALLY want to get well.

 

hugs

[mybrowneyedgirl]

my children are with my H. i am overcome with the guilt of how ive destroyed their lives. they shouldnt have to deal with the mess of a mother that ive become. simply meeting their basic needs, instead of the fulfilling enjoyable life that i once gave them.

 

yes, it has been months. months and months and it hasnt yet stopped. and i dont know how to make it stop. things just seem to be getting worse, not better. what little strength i had is gone. what little bit of reason to smile is gone.

 

i want to be done crying, i want not to feel it anymore. i just dont know how. i have no idea how to let go and not grieve this anymore. the long months that have gone by are making it harder and harder. the more it continues the worse i get.

[9Lives]

no, i dont want him back. i just want to not hurt anymore. i want to wake up just one day and not think of him. i want this never to have happened. i want it just to stop. just when i think that there can be no more he hits me with something else.

 

NC is my only chance at this. and its not hard for me to maintain it at all. im not tempted to contact him. but NC is NC and that is a separate entity from my feelings. they say it comes after time, but time is not healing it for me. because even though im NC with him, there always seems to be some way of him hurting me. like the most recent events...

 

i know he is scum. but my heart just wont let go of the person that i loved for so long. and so its not HIM that im missing, its the person he pretended to be.

 

i pray that feelings start to subside soon, but after so many months of pain its just added up to the point that it has overwhelmed me.

 

ive spent the day in bed crying. i just dont know what to do.

 

that I can totally understand!!! I suffered....suffered this to the point I really wanted to kill myself cause i could stop thinking about him. But NC and fighting thru the emotions, things are gettin better. I dont call him or try to be in his life whatsoever. I know what you are going thru. I had to read certain things everyday to change my mindset and start moving forward. It has not been that long but one thing I know is

 

I CANT GO BACK TO WHAT WE HAD....NO NO NO NO NO!!!

[RedDevil66]

my children are with my H. i am overcome with the guilt of how ive destroyed their lives. they shouldnt have to deal with the mess of a mother that ive become. simply meeting their basic needs, instead of the fulfilling enjoyable life that i once gave them.

 

yes, it has been months. months and months and it hasnt yet stopped. and i dont know how to make it stop. things just seem to be getting worse, not better. what little strength i had is gone. what little bit of reason to smile is gone.

 

i want to be done crying, i want not to feel it anymore. i just dont know how. i have no idea how to let go and not grieve this anymore. the long months that have gone by are making it harder and harder. the more it continues the worse i get.

 

 

Listen, you need to stop telling yourself you have little strength. Women are ABOUND with strength. You need to dig deep.

 

The more you tell yourself you won't get past this, the harder it will be.

 

People overcome serious loss all the time. You won't be any different.

 

When I went through a horrible time in my life, I was going to lose it. My Mom looked at me and said "you have two choices, curl up in a ball and die or get up and fight"

 

Those are your two choices. I say get up and fight. Fight for you. You're WORTH IT!

[fooled once]

my children are with my H. i am overcome with the guilt of how ive destroyed their lives. they shouldnt have to deal with the mess of a mother that ive become. simply meeting their basic needs, instead of the fulfilling enjoyable life that i once gave them.

 

yes, it has been months. months and months and it hasnt yet stopped. and i dont know how to make it stop. things just seem to be getting worse, not better. what little strength i had is gone. what little bit of reason to smile is gone.

 

i want to be done crying, i want not to feel it anymore. i just dont know how. i have no idea how to let go and not grieve this anymore. the long months that have gone by are making it harder and harder. the more it continues the worse i get.

 

My point is YOU DO HAVE the power to change it. But you have to want to.

 

You know your kids deserve better. Stop the whole "I feel guilty for messing up their lives" crap. Kids are resilent. But kids are not stupid.

 

What do you want to teach your kids? That when you break up with someone that life is over? Would you like your child to think the way you are - that living isn't worth it anymore? Do you want to live through THAT - a child so despondent over a boy/girl friend that they take their life?

 

YOU are their role model. I get being sad. I truly do. But either SUCK it up and pull yourself together or maybe go get some inpatient treatment. If it is to the point where you can't pull yourself together, then maybe that is the next step since you can't seem to do it on your own.

 

It saddens me how women like you and IMTK allow the ending of a BAD relationship is the end of the world/the end of life. It isn't. It is the ending of a chapter of life.

 

I am sorry you are so despondent

[jwi71]

yes, it has been months. months and months and it hasnt yet stopped. and i dont know how to make it stop. things just seem to be getting worse, not better. what little strength i had is gone. what little bit of reason to smile is gone.

 

i want to be done crying, i want not to feel it anymore. i just dont know how. i have no idea how to let go and not grieve this anymore. the long months that have gone by are making it harder and harder. the more it continues the worse i get.

 

One, NC.

 

And you are NOT NC. NC isn;t heard from a friend of a friend or fheard from a co-worker...its NO CONTACT. None. As in ZERO. Until you DECIDE to do it...this is your life.

 

Look, I understand the whole "I accidentally heard from whomever" bit. But it clearly doesn't matter. You hear "things" and you start all over again. If in fact, you EVER made it past step one.

 

Once again...you gotta get drastic. YOU have proven time and again incapable of ending this. So...I have no clue why I keep responding...but:

 

1) QUIT YOUR JOB. This begins NC. It begins your HEALING process. Look, if you have to move in with family or friends...do so. You don't break this it WILL break you. Time and pressure break all things...get out.

 

2) IC. Now. If so already...great.

 

3) MC. Now. If your H hasn't filed...you gotta chance. Hell, even if he has filed you STILL gotta chance. Unless of course, you don't want the M...then YOU file. Now.

 

4) Grab a paper and pen. Write the numbers one through ten. Now write, in any order, the ten things that make you happiest. Report them here.

 

Now get to it - You get busy living or get busy dying.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Fooled - i get what youre saying. but its not just the ending of the relationship thats got me down. its all of it. my husband, my life, my kids, my marriage. i look back and wonder WTF was i thinking? and so my life now is pretty lousy. and to think that i did all this to myself (and the ones i love) over a man that treated me so poorly in the end.

 

and so now, when he does something else hurtful to me its like another stab. another smack of the reality of how stupid i was and how much of myself i gave to him and it was all a bunch of BS. what he did this time was interfering with other relationships in my life and so hes still making things harder for me. hurting me more.

 

And JW. thanks for your input. i also get what youre saying about the NC thing. the problem is, is that like everyone said he would, hes now sort of chasing me. not that he wants me, hes curious i guess. and so hes going to people who know me fishing for info, telling them things and they come back to me. they have no reason not to talk about it as they probably have no clue that he and i are no longer friends. i dont know how to stop this.

 

and thank you everyone for your kind words. its so nice to be able to come somewhere when you really need it.

[OWoman]

they have no reason not to talk about it as they probably have no clue that he and i are no longer friends. i dont know how to stop this.

 

Well, there's a clue in what you've just said - people repeat things to you because they don't know it's hurting you. I'm sure, given the choice, they'd rather not hurt you - so why not take them into your confidence and tell them? Not any gory details, but simply that you've fallen out with xMM and that mention of him drags you back into a place you'd rather not be. After all, from what you describe, you're not in great shape. People must be wondering what's causing all of that. If they can lighten the load in any way, I'm sure they would - and getting them "onside" as a NC block (not passing info on you on to xMM; not relaying info on xMM back to you) is something easy enough for them to do that could help you a great deal.

 

Hang in there. The depth of your pain now is just the dark side of the depth of the love you have within you. If you hadn't loved so deeply, you wouldn't be hurting so badly. Look to the light, and celebrate the power of your love, rather than cursing its darkness and it's power to hurt.

[fooled once]

Fooled - i get what youre saying. but its not just the ending of the relationship thats got me down. its all of it. my husband, my life, my kids, my marriage. i look back and wonder WTF was i thinking? and so my life now is pretty lousy. and to think that i did all this to myself (and the ones i love) over a man that treated me so poorly in the end.

 

and so now, when he does something else hurtful to me its like another stab. another smack of the reality of how stupid i was and how much of myself i gave to him and it was all a bunch of BS. what he did this time was interfering with other relationships in my life and so hes still making things harder for me. hurting me more.

 

And JW. thanks for your input. i also get what youre saying about the NC thing. the problem is, is that like everyone said he would, hes now sort of chasing me. not that he wants me, hes curious i guess. and so hes going to people who know me fishing for info, telling them things and they come back to me. they have no reason not to talk about it as they probably have no clue that he and i are no longer friends. i dont know how to stop this.

 

and thank you everyone for your kind words. its so nice to be able to come somewhere when you really need it.

 

Where is your list for jw? ((hug))

 

Honey, even though he treats you like crap, you still care for him. You would still, I would bet, open your arms to him to get back in the A. You really won't see him for the lying, piece of scum he is. If you did, you wouldn't still care for him.

 

Love shouldn't hurt as much as he has hurt you, disrespected you, abused you. Yet, you still yearn for him. WHY? It isn't because you love him -- no way could you love someone who treats you so crappy.

 

Yes, you blew your life apart.

 

BUT you can also piece your life back together again -- but this time, he can't be in it. You can salvage your marriage, if you will just STOP thinking of him, crying over him and wanting him. Like jw said, QUIT your job because it will show your H you are DEAD serious about ending this A once and for all.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

we dont work side by side anymore. i hardly ever see him. in fact i cant recall the last time i actually saw him or havent counted the days since we've spoke. i cannot quit my job...im going through a separation...i do need to think of my children. the field i am there are no other options except for moving to another district.

 

funny, he fell in love with me because i was a strong, smart, confident woman. he told me that was what he found attractive. that i was secure in myself and my family and my career and he found it almost challenging because i never paid him any attention.

 

now, after years of telling myself that the hurt and pain was deserved because i was the OW, it has left me a broken, battered, mess of a woman. i started with all i could ever ask for in life and ended with nothing. and i mean nothing. i have my children, but their lives arent the same. and so i will watch every day knowing what they could have had until mommy destroyed it.

 

and so im weak. weak to him. i didnt realize what he or "our" relationship was doing to me the whole time. i was the supposed love of his life, but really i was nothing of the sort. at times i felt it, but was so messed up in love with him that i didnt care. and when he ended things the way he did i was left with that hurt on top of all the hurt i had been supressing during our R.

 

and so yes, thats why i feel the hurt.

 

my eyes are wide open to him being scum, but i think its the same as how some BS have described things. you want so badly to believe its not true, that they really love you that youre willing to overlook all of the bad things they did to you. and on a side note, its only after being rejected and betrayed so badly that i have started to realize what his wife and my H must be going through. add it to the list of things to feel terrible about.

[silverfish]

we dont work side by side anymore. i hardly ever see him. in fact i cant recall the last time i actually saw him or havent counted the days since we've spoke. i cannot quit my job...im going through a separation...i do need to think of my children. the field i am there are no other options except for moving to another district.

 

funny, he fell in love with me because i was a strong, smart, confident woman. he told me that was what he found attractive. that i was secure in myself and my family and my career and he found it almost challenging because i never paid him any attention.

 

now, after years of telling myself that the hurt and pain was deserved because i was the OW, it has left me a broken, battered, mess of a woman. i started with all i could ever ask for in life and ended with nothing. and i mean nothing. i have my children, but their lives arent the same. and so i will watch every day knowing what they could have had until mommy destroyed it.

 

and so im weak. weak to him. i didnt realize what he or "our" relationship was doing to me the whole time. i was the supposed love of his life, but really i was nothing of the sort. at times i felt it, but was so messed up in love with him that i didnt care. and when he ended things the way he did i was left with that hurt on top of all the hurt i had been supressing during our R.

 

and so yes, thats why i feel the hurt.

 

my eyes are wide open to him being scum, but i think its the same as how some BS have described things. you want so badly to believe its not true, that they really love you that youre willing to overlook all of the bad things they did to you. and on a side note, its only after being rejected and betrayed so badly that i have started to realize what his wife and my H must be going through. add it to the list of things to feel terrible about.

 

Please stop beating yourself up over this. You're the not the only one who got into it, but you're the only one who'll get yourself out. Probably be the stronger for it in the long run.

 

"All the world 's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts" - (Act II, Scene VII).

[Passion4Life]

we dont work side by side anymore. i hardly ever see him. in fact i cant recall the last time i actually saw him or havent counted the days since we've spoke. i cannot quit my job...im going through a separation...i do need to think of my children. the field i am there are no other options except for moving to another district.

 

funny, he fell in love with me because i was a strong, smart, confident woman. he told me that was what he found attractive. that i was secure in myself and my family and my career and he found it almost challenging because i never paid him any attention.

 

now, after years of telling myself that the hurt and pain was deserved because i was the OW, it has left me a broken, battered, mess of a woman. i started with all i could ever ask for in life and ended with nothing. and i mean nothing. i have my children, but their lives arent the same. and so i will watch every day knowing what they could have had until mommy destroyed it.

 

and so im weak. weak to him. i didnt realize what he or "our" relationship was doing to me the whole time. i was the supposed love of his life, but really i was nothing of the sort. at times i felt it, but was so messed up in love with him that i didnt care. and when he ended things the way he did i was left with that hurt on top of all the hurt i had been supressing during our R.

 

and so yes, thats why i feel the hurt.

 

my eyes are wide open to him being scum, but i think its the same as how some BS have described things. you want so badly to believe its not true, that they really love you that youre willing to overlook all of the bad things they did to you. and on a side note, its only after being rejected and betrayed so badly that i have started to realize what his wife and my H must be going through. add it to the list of things to feel terrible about.

 

mbeg , can i ask u if MM really decides to be with u , will u accept him ? I might be wrong but from ur posts it looks like u still wish u had a life with him ?

[Hazyhead]

MBEG, you need to pull yourself out of this. I understand the pain and the loss, I really do. I know what it feels like to regret your actions and the mess your actions caused, but I also know that when you are this low the only person who can pull you out of it is yourself. Like Jw says, focus on the positives in your life; they're still there, just a little hidden behind all the negatives. Let your xMM do what he's going to do. Don't respond to him. He'll soon give up. In the mean time, spend time doing the things you like doing. Fake it 'til you make it hon.

[Spark1111]

MBEG, you made a mistake and now you are paying the consequences and it hurts like hell.

 

But it will be okay. You can make it so. You can make it better.

 

This too shall pass. This too is normal. Tell your husband how fragile and remorseful you feel. Move back home if can. Surround yourself with family and friends who love you for who you are.

 

Use any every resource at your disposal to overcome your depression; meds, IC, anger, exercise, kids, future legacy, respect for yourself and others....anything at all until you are functioning again.

 

If I have a dollar bill, it is worth one dollar.

 

If it is crumpled up, slightly torn, marked and a complete mess, what is it worth now?

 

Still one dollar.

 

Fight to get yourself back, whatever it takes. We are here for you.

[whichwayisup]

I strongly believe once you decide to find another job, and decide to just let go of everything - You will feel so much relief, and be totally OK. I think you're just really scared of 'missing out' on the drama, the ego feed that this brings into your life. It's become a habit, an addiction, something that has taken over your life. You know it's unhealthy and messing you up.

 

Continue with therapy and if this therapist isn't helping you enough, find another one who can help you get back on track.

 

One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.. You CAN DO THIS.

[scorpmale003]

haven't you got divorced yet...???