Who has been or would b the "OW"???

[yeyo tornapart]

it's so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that women would actually be the OW and b cool with it! Why would you want someones else's seconds? why b second when u can b first?

[jennie-jennie]

it's so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that women would actually be the OW and b cool with it! Why would you want someones else's seconds? why b second when u can b first?

 

Perhaps you should ask the wife that? She is the one not being put first when it comes to romance and sex.

[yeyo tornapart]

lol tru but if ur not the one n only your not being put first. to b un aware tht u r not fisrt is messed up but why b with a guy romantically that u kno is romancing and sexing someone else? get ur own guy is how i feel and to the one being cheated on find a better guy. n to the selfish guy he should b dumped left alone sad n miserable by both women lmao

Edited February 14, 2010 by yeyo tornapart
typo

[Spark1111]

Perhaps you should ask the wife that? She is the one not being put first when it comes to romance and sex.

Jennie.......maybe that is true for your situation....but not all.

 

SOME MM lie often, to have some sex on the side. Some women, not all, are okay to have ANY kind of romatic attention from a man.

 

SOME do fall in love with their AP.

 

Sad, but true, as evidenced on these boards.

 

If you speak to your situation, that's fine, as I do mine.

 

But don't make blanket statements that are hurtful. You know better than that, or should, by this point in time.

 

Keep reading YEyo. Keep reading.

[whichwayisup]

Perhaps you should ask the wife that? She is the one not being put first when it comes to romance and sex.

 

Before a D-Day, the wife doesn't KNOW.

[LucreziaBorgia]

it's so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that women would actually be the OW and b cool with it! Why would you want someones else's seconds? why b second when u can b first?

 

When I was doing the OW thing, I didn't see it as having someone's seconds because honestly the wife/girlfriend/fiance basically didn't exist in what we were doing. They were a non-entity, not a 'first' anything - just an outside factor that limited things somewhat. As for being the 'first' - I never really wanted that with these guys. I just wanted the desperate passion and nearly overpowering sexual attention they had to offer from within the confines of their existing relationships.

 

If I were the 'first', I wouldn't have been getting that. That sort of rabid, overpowering sort of desperate sexual interaction seems to be found primarily in affairs or 'forbidden love' sort of things. Love and sex between couples is different, not as dangerous. Some people like that element of danger, like I did in my younger years - hence why I tended to get myself involved like that.

 

Rarely does a single man come on to you and try to sweep you off your feet like a married man will. They have to overcompensate for being married, and work hard to convince you to become involved with someone who really doesn't have that much tangible to offer. They bring out the A game in pursuing, in having sex, etc. They know they can't limit their OW in what they do, so they do what it takes to keep the OW (until it is time to end the affair, anyway...)

 

So, while a wife/girlfriend/fiance is most certainly a tangible 'first' when it comes to affairs, you have to understand that a good deal of OW don't consider the idea of 'first' or 'second' - and are indifferent to the wife/girlfriend/fiance period. It is like they don't exist within the MM/OW relationship. Only when the MM's A game slips, and/or unwanted limitations really start setting in do you see OW becoming frustrated and thinking about things like 'first' or 'second'.

 

Now, having been away from that lifestyle for some many years now and having been on all three sides of the situation - I can tell you, 'first' doesn't always mean 'best' and all that affair sex doesn't always mean 'best' either. There is only one real 'first' when it comes to MM who have affairs - THEMSELVES.

 

They do what they want, and try to balance the OW/W happiness against each other for his own benefit and what will make HIM happiest.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie.......maybe that is true for your situation....but not all.

 

SOME MM lie often, to have some sex on the side. Some women, not all, are okay to have ANY kind of romatic attention from a man.

 

SOME do fall in love with their AP.

 

Sad, but true, as evidenced on these boards.

 

If you speak to your situation, that's fine, as I do mine.

 

But don't make blanket statements that are hurtful. You know better than that, or should, by this point in time.

 

Keep reading YEyo. Keep reading.

 

Sorry, Spark, that was a bit careless of me. I was thinking people realized I was talking about long term extramarital relationships with a deep level of emotional commitment, but I should have put it out there in writing.

[jennie-jennie]

Before a D-Day, the wife doesn't KNOW.

 

True. I just get so tired of this repeated talk about "seconds". The OP is presuming something that often is not true for people in long term extramarital relationships, and from what I have seen here most of the OW/OM who post on LS belong to this category.

[jennie-jennie]

lol tru but if ur not the one n only your not being put first. to b un aware tht u r not fisrt is messed up but why b with a guy romantically that u kno is romancing and sexing someone else? get ur own guy is how i feel and to the one being cheated on find a better guy. n to the selfish guy he should b dumped left alone sad n miserable by both women lmao

 

Please write proper English. You are not sending a text message you know.

[BB07]

Please write proper English. You are not sending a text message you know.

 

 

I second that motion......I quit reading it and I refuse to read posts such as that.

[pureinheart]

Agree with you LB, it didn't matter much, and now looking back I didn't have to put up with all of the crap that I'm thinking his W had to.

 

He did stuff for me...in my case just switch the "work for "sex" actually one could say that I may have used him????

 

He did A LOT of stuff for me...ok, spent his gas money to come to my house to help me with a bunch of home repairs, and I appreciate all that he did...he is very talented, can fix anything....actually this guy screwed up bad....he came up with a method (at work) to put a particular part together that had stumped many for years....the two of us did in one hour what used to take "the co." many days...he could have been very wealthy financially.

 

Funny, I didn't feel slighted until after the separation....so I am thinking living with him was not all that pleasant. I just didn't like hanging with a MM, that bothered me, hence NC.

[pureinheart]

Please write proper English. You are not sending a text message you know.

 

Have to agree YT, love your post though, keep posting.....

[yeyo tornapart]

umm this is my post so as long as its understood why does it matter how i write it. thank you but i think i'll stick with the way i write. lmao

[yeyo tornapart]

thanks for all the responses. i really think it puts things into perspective for me on the topic. people always tell me i cant expect people to think the way i do. i realize that what seems wrong to me may not seem wrong to another.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

it only matters how you write because it makes it hard to follow. it also takes the personality out of it, and shrouds some of the emotions involved in your words. it makes it seem less personal. i would prefer to see the words because i think it makes it easier to understand your perspective.

[yeyo tornapart]

it only matters how you write because it makes it hard to follow. it also takes the personality out of it, and shrouds some of the emotions involved in your words. it makes it seem less personal. i would prefer to see the words because i think it makes it easier to understand your perspective.

 

ok my apologies for using such incorrect English. I really didn't think it mattered as much. i really enjoy the feed back so i will indeed try my best to accommodate my readers with the use of proper english.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

thanks! and so let me respond to your post. with my xmm i thoroughly enjoyed being the ow. he always made me feel like i was first. i was married and happy with my life so i had no problem having him on the side. i never wanted to be his wife and there were no problems with me being the ow.

 

the trouble started after dday when he cast me aside like i was a meaningless piece of trash and devoted himself to her. it was only then that i realized i was just the OW and it started to bother me.

 

but during our A, when i was with him i felt i was #1 in his life. i LOVED being the ow.

[OWoman]

it's so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that women would actually be the OW and b cool with it! Why would you want someones else's seconds? why b second when u can b first?

 

As the OW, I was first. As the W, I am still first. The only difference between back then and now is that he dumped his excess baggage. The nature of OUR relationship hasn't changed at all.

[jennie-jennie]

As the OW, I was first. As the W, I am still first. The only difference between back then and now is that he dumped his excess baggage. The nature of OUR relationship hasn't changed at all.

 

Well put as always, OWoman.

[skylarblue]

I loved being the OW. I would actively and purposefully seek out happily MM to become the OW. I never thought of myself as second because (1)I didn’t want to be “first” (2)I was getting exactly what I wanted and (3)I didn’t really consider her first either since her H was cheating on her. Being the OW simply worked for me. Notice the past tense. I’m still “cool” with being his OW, but I’m not sure I’m as “cool” with our R staying as it is now or if it’ll work for me in the long run. I don’t have any plans on being another MM’s OW if (realistically when) our R doesn’t work out.

[yeyo tornapart]

As the OW, I was first. As the W, I am still first. The only difference between back then and now is that he dumped his excess baggage. The nature of OUR relationship hasn't changed at all.

 

thats great to hear. i'd rather he leave her alone than hurt her by cheating. glad your guy was mature and strong enough to make a decision. are you ever worried that he'll cheat on you?

[OWoman]

thats great to hear. i'd rather he leave her alone than hurt her by cheating. glad your guy was mature and strong enough to make a decision. are you ever worried that he'll cheat on you?

 

She had her own history of cheating - she landed her 1st H in a nuthouse that way!

 

Am I worried he might cheat on me? I suppose anyone in any R has to face that risk, but am I more worried as a result of his history? No. A 30 year M with one indiscretion, despite all the abuse he suffered, doesn't strike me as anything terrifying. Besides, I'm no believer in sexual exclusivity - we're sexually exclusive with each other, which is a first for me, but his preferred way of relating, so if anyone's likely to want "extra", it would more likely be me. But because we're honest about these things, it's unlikely either of us would feel the need to do it without being open and honest with the other.

 

Sure, nothing in life is ever certain, but those are the risks in any R and based on his track record, I've got a good 29 years of sexual exclusivity ahead of me before he starts to look elsewhere. And, by that stage, we'd probably have to listen to the nurses in the old people's home about stuff like that anyway!

[pureinheart]

ok my apologies for using such incorrect English. I really didn't think it mattered as much. i really enjoy the feed back so i will indeed try my best to accommodate my readers with the use of proper english.

 

You are like way gracious!