Author Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 OK, I'm hearing a lot of you who are saying that I should have responded to the text. Fair point. Assuming this is correct, anything to rectify at this point? I could text and say "how was your last day at work?" since he said his last day was Friday. In any event, given the actual content of the text, I think I disagree - if he had really wanted me to respond he could have asked me a question or something. Also, due to my not following The Rules properly during our interaction, I don't think he has any legitimate question that I'm interested. I talked practically all night to him, let him kiss me, let him terminate the interaction first by leaving first, and said "what if I don't want you to go?" and a cutesy way when he asked me to walk him out. If anything I wasn't Rules-y enough, IMO.
bayouboi Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I would have assumed the non-response was no interest & moved on.
Author Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 TBH, if I was affected by all the non-responsive women I've encountered in my life, I'd had committed suicide by now. On its face, the OP (the post, not the person) was just a random encounter with a bunch of fluff words said by people who didn't know each other. The text was more of the same. Go out on a few dates first before assigning any meaning to anything... Right. He has to ask me on one first, which he may not despite overtly saying he was going to Am I wrong for thinking that this is dick? We weren't DRUNK drunk.
BobSacamento Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Holiday weekends are toss ups. He could be in Japan for all you know.
carhill Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Right. He has to ask me on one first, which he may not despite overtly saying he was going to Am I wrong for thinking that this is dick? We weren't DRUNK drunk. This is why I suggest not assigning significant meaning to words, actions, or the person until you actually 'date' them. He could be a used car salesman for all you know and was practicing his schtick If being receptive to approach is your intimacy style, stick with it. If you want to be asked out on a date and not engage in random chatter with a man you do not know, then stick with that. This is about compatibility. These early actions indicate who we are and how we interrelate. It's really good information, IMO.
Author Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 This is why I suggest not assigning significant meaning to words, actions, or the person until you actually 'date' them. He could be a used car salesman for all you know and was practicing his schtick If being receptive to approach is your intimacy style, stick with it. If you want to be asked out on a date and not engage in random chatter with a man you do not know, then stick with that. This is about compatibility. These early actions indicate who we are and how we interrelate. It's really good information, IMO. You're right, of course. I know he's not a used car salesman, we're both lawyers with publicly available firm profiles I really thought we were hitting it off on a conversational level, though. Ugh.
carhill Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Ah, that explains it car salesman, lawyer, president OP, I get into deep, interesting and meaningful conversations with people I don't know and likely will never see again all over the world (in real life, not here on the net). I enjoy them (the conversations and the people) for who they are, where they are and when they are. Not every really cool conversation turns into a date, even with women who make me go 'whoa'. That's just life. IMO, a real connection is a confluence of circumstance and psychology and is relatively rare. No worries. Talk to enough lawyers and I'm sure something will happen
Author Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 There's one interesting twist I have not shared... when I got the text from him he was ALREADY IN MY PHONE because we were supposed to go on a date (from a website) 2 years ago, and I canceled because my boyfriend and I got exclusive right around then. One of the reasons I really want him to call is because I think this is hilarious and would be a really funny topic of conversation at our date
Kamille Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I Does this change the analysis at all? Within 15 minutes of leaving he texted that he had fun, nice meeting me, talk to me soon. I didn't write back, because I'm following the Rules which say no texting. That made me laugh... So are you a rules' follower or a Rules' breaker? If anything I wasn't Rules-y enough, IMO. So if you didn't start by following the rules, I think you should chuck them out the window. I met my bf at a grad end of term party in a bar environment. It was clear and obvious we were into each other from day one. If anything, that's what I love the most about our relationship. I don't have to hide my emotions or how I feel about him. Personally, I'm not interested in dating anyone who can't handle being loved. I feel the rules assume there is something fundamentally 'wrong' with all men: that they are all commitmentphobes and that we have to 'trick' them into a relationship. A man who is cp will always be cp. A man who is emotionally mature is emotionally mature. There's no need to play games. Just be yourself. Text if you feel like it. Don't text if you feel like you want a call (which is a legitimate desire). If being receptive to approach is your intimacy style, stick with it. If you want to be asked out on a date and not engage in random chatter with a man you do not know, then stick with that. This is about compatibility. These early actions indicate who we are and how we interrelate. It's really good information, IMO. Exactly! Dating isn't about finding some anonymous guy that pop psychologists (looking to make big bucks) would like you to believe is the prototype for all men. Each guy is different and you're looking for the one with whom you'll be compatible. so if being cute and flirtatious is your schtick when meeting a guy, stick with it. I doubt that being flirtatious in any way is the reason he isn't calling back (and I'm guessing he'll be calling sometime this week). About the call... He just finished his last day at his job? That's big. Depending on the scenario (was he fired or is he quitting for something better) he could either be a bit down right now or partying it up. Keep living your life and see if he calls.
Author Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 Thanks Kamille. Good call and I agree with all your points. My Rules experiment is just that - an experiment, from which I hope to draw conclusions at the end. I do not expect to follow The Rules long term. To the extent I screwed up while at the party, I didn't mean to, it was just unintentional screwups and getting used to the idea of them. They take practice if you're going to do them strictly. All this is in my blog, which I'm eager for comments on someone on another forum recently called me the most self-absorbed obnoxious person on the planet, which is not what I'm going for...
Kamille Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Just browsed through the blog and I get it better. I do support social experiments. Tony T likes to point out that Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again while expecting different results. You just gave me an idea for a thread.
You'reasian Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 (edited) Personally, I'm not interested in dating anyone who can't handle being loved. I feel the rules assume there is something fundamentally 'wrong' with all men: that they are all commitmentphobes and that we have to 'trick' them into a relationship. A man who is cp will always be cp. A man who is emotionally mature is emotionally mature. There's no need to play games. Just be yourself. Text if you feel like it. Don't text if you feel like you want a call (which is a legitimate desire). Well said, Kamille. Good hearing this kind of thing Edited February 15, 2010 by You'reasian
Johnny M Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 PS, The Rules is an experiment for me, see my blog It's only going on for 6 months and if it results in me not dating, so be it, I could probably use that. Okay, so I've looked at your blog and it's totally hilarious (especially all the jewish stuff), though apparently that wasn't your intention...You must have a lot of time on your hands to waste six months of your life on some bizarre "experiment".
Author Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 Okay, so I've looked at your blog and it's totally hilarious (especially all the jewish stuff), though apparently that wasn't your intention...You must have a lot of time on your hands to waste six months of your life on some bizarre "experiment". Actually I am aiming to make people laugh Not taking myself too seriously here. I have plenty of time to "waste" on trying to adopt a healthier attitude towards dating and relationships. What I don't have time to "waste" on is getting back into my old patterns of obsessing over men. The Rules may be an indirect route to that goal, but so far it has been serving my purposes well. You should read one of my earlier entries about why I'm doing this. One reason is to practice my writing, and I would appreciate your comments in the blog, including negative ones.
Author Rulebreaker Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 OK, almost a week later the guy facebook messages me. Says nice meeting you, saw you on an RSVP so thought I'd say hi, how's your week. Kind of lame. What do I do? Inclination is not to respond, but since I didn't respond to the text there is always the remote possibility that he felt rejected/is playing hard to get.
carhill Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 He has your phone number and sends you a facebook message? Are you sure you want me to explain this to you?
Kamille Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 OK, almost a week later the guy facebook messages me. Says nice meeting you, saw you on an RSVP so thought I'd say hi, how's your week. Kind of lame. What do I do? Inclination is not to respond, but since I didn't respond to the text there is always the remote possibility that he felt rejected/is playing hard to get. That is lame. I would put him in my "he's not interested enough" pile and send him a short and simple reply. He knows where to find you if he wants to take things further. But, in love as in business, it's good to always keep doors open. Next.
Author Rulebreaker Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 He has your phone number and sends you a facebook message? Are you sure you want me to explain this to you? Actually, I kind of do. I was bitching to my male friend about it, and his theory is the guy lacks confidence or sucks on the phone, because there's no reason to message me at all if he's not interested. So if he's not interested, what does the message mean? Rargh, I hate facebook sometimes. But again, my inclination is to consider it a lack of interest, especially after a whole week.
counterman Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 (edited) You would think that if he has your number he would use it. It could be either of the two you pointed out or, like you said, lack of interest. If he's interested, he should just man up and call. (Btw, I haven't read all of the post in the thread so I don't fully know what's going on) You should post more, Rulebreaker. We hardly get enough of you! Edited February 18, 2010 by counterman
Author Rulebreaker Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 You should post more, Rulebreaker. We hardly get enough of you! Thanks I enjoy weighing in on things unless I'm in a particularly vulnerable emotional state - some topics on here are really painfully familiar!
Kamille Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Actually, I kind of do. I was bitching to my male friend about it, and his theory is the guy lacks confidence or sucks on the phone, because there's no reason to message me at all if he's not interested. So if he's not interested, what does the message mean? Rargh, I hate facebook sometimes. But again, my inclination is to consider it a lack of interest, especially after a whole week. Well, you met him that night so we can safely assume he had a life before you came along. We can probably assume that he might have been chasing some other girl and was pleasantly taken by surprise at the turn of event. I think the FB message is a lukewarm display of interest. It's certainly not something I would act on (other than a short, succint, hey, yes, it was nice to meet you!). It doesn't take away from the fun you had that night, meeting a cute charming man with whom you clicked? But my interpretation of the Rules and all those books is that they teach women not to get too overly invested in one guy. Enjoy what it was, a one night pleasant encounter. You might run into him again. Be a lady, answer the FB message (succinctly) so that next time you run into him you can just be pleasantly surprised to see him. Let me tell you, in my experience, men eat that **** up: it makes you look like you have your own life, like you are well-balanced, like you are easy-going (for not being all awkward after one encounter) and it also adds an air of mystery. Know what I mean?
paddington bear Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 coming from a terminally single person who makes a mess of things...(i.e. my take on this is probably not the best) You met a guy, you liked him, he seemed to like you. Hinted 'jokingly' of course that he'd like to sleep with you, that didn't go anywhere. He had the courtesy to send you a text message, which you didn't reply to with a 'me too!' and thus be polite and responsive, but also still firmly leaving the ball in his court. Instead the poor bas***d gets no reply. Perhaps thinks 'right, she's not interested', is unsure what to do, happens to see that you are invited to something on Facebook and sees it as his opportunity to connect with you somehow since you didn't bother replying to the text. I don't think it's lame personally. People may seem confident on the outside. He may be a lawyer, but when it comes to luuurve, people can get a little insecure. Put it this way, do you want to totally screw up what could be something good by adhering to the Rules totally? The guy has to know that you have some interest in order to keep pursuing, if you don't reply to the facebook thing, he'll just give up. I would if I was a guy.
carhill Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Actually, I kind of do. I was bitching to my male friend about it, and his theory is the guy lacks confidence or sucks on the phone, because there's no reason to message me at all if he's not interested To me, it's pretty simple. A few electrons with no substantive thought is simple and it creates the impetus for your postings here. Substantial interest, enough to actually use that same button pushing ability to engage a human voice and being? Not so much. IMO, it's not about what he's doing. It's about what *you want*. If you want him to call you and ask you out on a date, that's what you want. Anything else is electrons or irrelevant. It's your boundary. The right man for you will fit into that boundary in a healthy way. To me, interest shall be expressed naturally. It shall not be proscribed. YMMV, of course. Your life; your preferences; your boundaries. If you wish to use electrons, simply and politely answer FB message with 'call me'. That's it
Author Rulebreaker Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 (edited) UPDATE: I responded to the facebook message, very briefly, not asking any questions or suggesting he call. He wrote back after a couple of days asking me if he could call me to ask me out. I said sure. He called four nights later and left a really short message with his phone number. So I guess in the end he did "call" but he's acting lukewarm. Am I back burner girl? Thank goodness for the Rules Edited February 28, 2010 by Rulebreaker
Kamille Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 UPDATE: I responded to the facebook message, very briefly, not asking any questions or suggesting he call. He wrote back after a couple of days asking me if he could call me to ask me out. I said sure. He called four nights later and left a really short message with his phone number. So I guess in the end he did "call" but he's acting lukewarm. Am I back burner girl? Thank goodness for the Rules Why are you trying to assess if you're a "backburner girl" before even going on a date with him? I know what I'm about to say is rude, but I think you can take it: Trying to evaluate the level interest of a near stranger on so little interaction makes one sound self-involved. He did exactly what the rules said he should do, no? it takes a lot of guts to call someone up. And, it isn't his fault that you didn't pick up the phone. (Is that a rule? Don't pick up his calls?) Are you going to call him back?
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