Wife cheated, not sure if she loves me, wants space

[CaliGuy]

What you said in that last couple sentences really hit home...She is USING me and my love for her to BUY MORE TIME and make her decision of if she wants to end our marriage or continue forward, and all from the comfort that I am providing her with.

 

If she is even thinking about leaving me, she should not be doing it comfortably, and I should not be putting up with it at all!

 

Amen, brother! This is progress!!! You are starting to see how your needs are not being met and how she is disrespecting you. This is a good start. You need to go with that from here on out. Do not let her use you, do not let her use your love for her, to facilitate her disrespectful decisions. Fog or no fog, she made a conscious decision to cheat on you. There needs to be consequences and you need to love and respect yourself enough to not back down from them. Get her out of the house NOW so that she can stew on these bad decisions.

 

This fog, it does have influence on her actions though...i have read in these forums and on MB that it is like a drug and messes with the mind...this does confuse her though right? Should this be affecting my decisions any on how I handle the situation? Maybe my fog (love and kindness) is thicker than hers, and preventing me from doing the proper thing!

 

I agree with the latter. She wasn't in a fog when she crossed the ultimate marriage boundary, why should you be in one when you should be showing her the consequences of her actions?! There NEEDS to be consequences or this behavior will simply repeat itself again.

 

Then again, I don't think she was in the fog when the incident happened....I want to get her out of the "fog" so she can think about things with a clear mind. And I don't want to prolong the fog at all...

 

Letting her sit around the house while she plots her next move (which may be to leave you for good) isn't going to bode well for you. Help her realize her mistake by getting her out of the house! She needs to be punished. You simply need to tell her "I need you out of her while *I* decide what I want to do -- while *I* decide if I want to work this out or not." See what I am saying? You need to be the one who is making decisions for YOURSELF, not waiting around for her to make the decisions for the BOTH of you.

 

well, i was on target in the first few sentences, then my fog kicked in.......

 

thanks

 

I suggest you print out whatever it is that helps keep you focused and keep it around where you can refer to it when you are feeling "foggy" such as my statement above that kicked you in gear.

 

Don't let her use your love for her to bide her time to make arrangements to leave you. If she is going to leave you, kicking her out won't matter. It will just start your healing process sooner.

 

Remember, SHE WRONGED YOU, not the other way around. Stop being apologetic in your behavior and walking on eggshells. What's done is done and can not be changed. All you have control over is YOURSELF from here on out. Start thinking about what is best for YOU in light of her actions.

 

It's not all about her my friend....

Edited February 15, 2010 by CaliGuy

[hopesndreams]

hopesndreams:

 

I am desperate, and have for the most part kept a pretty calm attitude and confidence during this time. I do, keep doing research and hope that she would also...which is why I point out articles and stuff to her. One of the things that I have been trying to do to get her out of the "fog and withdrawal" is ask her to remember and remind her that we were very happy and in love before this incident. d#$m fog!

 

I have already forgiven her, told her that that night...wrong thing to do so quickly?

 

She has requested we go out to movie and dinner this week...thats ok right?

 

I am going to request that she not return to the bar...as seeing him would prolong the fog...good idea?

 

As far as leaving the house...I thought that would accelerate and force a decision on her part on how she feels about me (misses me or doesn't, i think she would miss me) in a sense give her the feeling that I am preparing to move on. This is not a good idea? Am I not giving plan A enough time? She has not had any contact with OM since, this I am sure of. But, with her feelings confused, I thought plan B may have to be used to help her confront these things.

 

Although, I do understand more about the fog and withdrawl now, and realize that time helps and I have to wait for her to come out of the fog before I can help her out of the withdrawal stage.

 

Do I get to have any more hope because we are doing MC..or does it not matter until the fog is gone and withdrawl is exited?

 

Thanks.

 

Yes, you're desperate and you may think you are doing a good job of covering that up but your actions say otherwise.

 

Do not even entertain the thought of having a cozy little dinner with her. A date night! What has she done to deserve that? She wants to keep things nicey nice in order to get want she wants, when she figures out what that is. I am going with there is still an OM or some other fella she has taken a fancy to. She is pulling the wool over your eyes right now and doesn't want you to hate her. If things go nice and smooth, she may even get a goodbye kiss when you leave YOUR home. What a great opportunity to implement the 180. Tell her the date is off and you have other plans. No need for her to know what those other plans are either. Make her wonder.

 

It wasn't a mistake for you telling her you forgive her. The mistake would be to keep telling her you forgive her. She is not the only one that needs time and space. With time and space away from her, it will give you chance to wrap your head around what she has really done. You say you are in the fog too and you couldn't be more correct about that. You are in a fog and you are hurting really bad and it is her job to take advantage of that. Don't let her.

 

You are not dealing with the same woman that has loved you for years, you are dealing with someone completely different now. You will see that in time and down the road, because of those changes, you may very well decide she isn't worth your time and energy anymore.

 

It is pointless to go to MC as long as there is an OM. Is it truly over? Investigate. Why does she feel the need to go to a bar without you when her M is in shambles? You can't put your foot down and tell her not to go. She doesn't respect you enough to consider your feelings. She will go and you can't stop her. She will be angry and miserable when you try to take her fun away.

 

Ask yourself, "Self, why would I want to hold my cheating W's hand when she goes through the withdrawal stage from her lover?"

 

There will be no end to your pain and suffering until you end it. Follow the 180 and start detaching. Give yourself the gift of loving yourself.

 

If she comes round and snaps out of her fog and wants to make amends, then you will have a say whether to continue the M or not. As of right now, she has the power until you take it away from her.

[marting]

GrayClouds: A lot of people have been saying that both friends here and everyone who has answered on the forum. Thank you for your input also. I am not going downhill myself, I am staying confident, busy, and healthy.

 

hopesndreams: You are right, that would be a perfect time to start the 180, and I am going to do it. I am pretty positive that it is 100% over, I do have ways of knowing, and know for a fact that there has not been any contact for the last month. I talked to her and told her that I did not approve of her going back to the bar...for a few months or more anyways...been reading about the fog, and find the slightest contact could cause the fog to be extended and ruin the last months work (if you can call it that). She did tell me that she was probably going to go anyway, says she needs to prove it to herself that she can do it. I told her she can hang out with her friends just not at that bar. Don't think she cares much for my feelings. We will see if she goes to the bar with her friends, that will show me where she stands.

 

 

Caliguy: I am getting better each day, and more confident and stronger to do what I know is right. I think if she goes to the bar regardless of my feelings, that will be what will put me over the edge and I will definitely be able to let go and kick her out. I am starting to see that she does not care a bit for my feelings, which is funny, because at first she did...the first week after I found out, she was open and "genuinely?" hurt that I was hurting and she was the cause. Guess that was when I became a doormat huh?

 

I am wondering though, can I legally kick her out or am I only able to ask her to leave. What are the proper procedures to take, I told her that I could have her half of our finances within three days and she can go find a place to live if it came to that. But I am not sure I have legal grounds to kick her out or not. I live in NC if that is helpful.

 

also, upon more research, I guess this would be considered a one night stand cheating rather than an affair. Basically everything happened in one night (chatting, flirting, physical)....previously there was only a friendly hi or small talk when ordering a drink from him. And she tried to call him and see him the next day, but he was too tired, after that, she only would have small talk while ordering a drink (she had gone back to the bar only once more before i found out)....does this make any difference, or is that my fog returning again?

 

thanks everyone, this really helps.

Edited February 16, 2010 by marting

[scorpmale003]

it's not your W is in fog ,it's you...you need to get a reality check over here....

 

what i really do not understand is your question....

if she really loved you she couldn't have cheated on you...it's that simple

 

"I have already forgiven her, told her that that night...wrong thing to do so quickly?"

 

above statement shows how desperate you are to both situation and her....now quit being a doormat grow a pair....meet the lawyer ASAP....you do not have children...thank your lucky stars for that...since you do not have to chained to her for the rest of your life

 

you are making excuses for her behavior....now at this point you should pine for self respect not for love(which is not there to start with)....

 

answer these q's for yourself....

 

why do you want to be with a cheater

why do you think you can trust her after this s***

why you are the one so desperate to save the M while she is pining for OM

 

if you already made excuses for above questions...then good luck with it...but prepare for another blow..

 

finally...fighting for a cheater (sounds really odd)

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy: I am getting better each day, and more confident and stronger to do what I know is right. I think if she goes to the bar regardless of my feelings, that will be what will put me over the edge and I will definitely be able to let go and kick her out. I am starting to see that she does not care a bit for my feelings, which is funny, because at first she did...the first week after I found out, she was open and "genuinely?" hurt that I was hurting and she was the cause. Guess that was when I became a doormat huh?

 

I think she was remorseful for getting caught, not for hurting you. Sorry you had to hear that but let's be honest here. She went the full 9 yards with another man. Nothing says "I don't love you anymore" like sleeping around on your spouse...

 

I am wondering though, can I legally kick her out or am I only able to ask her to leave. What are the proper procedures to take, I told her that I could have her half of our finances within three days and she can go find a place to live if it came to that. But I am not sure I have legal grounds to kick her out or not. I live in NC if that is helpful.

 

For that you have to talk to an Attorney. I would ask her, nicely but FIRMLY to leave. How dare she treat you like dirt and expect that she can have all the benefits of being married to you while she's screwing around on you? That ain't right!

 

also, upon more research, I guess this would be considered a one night stand cheating rather than an affair. Basically everything happened in one night (chatting, flirting, physical)....previously there was only a friendly hi or small talk when ordering a drink from him. And she tried to call him and see him the next day, but he was too tired, after that, she only would have small talk while ordering a drink (she had gone back to the bar only once more before i found out)....does this make any difference, or is that my fog returning again?

 

thanks everyone, this really helps.

 

Let me ask you a question: "What's to stop her from having more 'one night stands'?" Also, are you sure this is the ONLY one she has ever had? Why does she need to go out to bars?

 

See to me, she feels she is missing something from her life. And if for some reason she feels she isn't getting what she needs from you, she'll get it from someone else (ala: affairs).

 

If you want to try and work things out that is quite admirable of you. I would suggest that before you officially file for separation that you see what the MC says.

[marting]

I have ordered the books that you recommended Caliguy, they will be here tomorrow. I will read them before I make any decisions. I do see that it is a good sign that we are doing marriage counseling, and feel that the marriage is worth saving (everyone can see how I feel by now). I do know that this was the only time, and do know that nothing is currently going on. I am hoping she quits second guessing herself and gets over the feeling of something new and realizes that she has a good thing going with me and that she truly does love me. From the reading I have done, the fog needs to clear, and she needs to comeout of the withdrawal stage. I have started to implement the 180 technique and feel much more confident, and didn't realize it at first, but it was a great idea for her to leave the bedroom, I now do not feel as attached and am seriously starting to think things through, makes the 180 much easier. I do hope that she takes the time and realizes that she does miss and love me. I am not giving up on my marriage and will do everything I can to make it work. She has been a wonderful wife for the past 8 years. I know it sounds like I will do anything for her even after she broke the cardinal rule in marriage, but it feels right and I guess that is what true love is...at one point in the not so distant past, she felt the same about me. My religion tells me that people make mistakes, and I forgive her for it and do not think on what she did, just how she feels about me currently.

 

I have been doing much reading lately, and people do get past infidelity in their marriages, and I will do everything in my power to succeed in that also.

 

I WILL read those books, and I hope they do make me a better man and husband. And maybe they will show me that I do need to take a stand and kick her out or move on to someone else in the future. Until I read them, the current situation is working for me.

 

I was in the military, and we got married young, me 19 her 21. What she is realizing now is she never had a college/single party phase. this is what she is thinking she missed out on and wondering if she wants to get this back somehow. she believes to do this, she may have to leave me and do this for herself. I want her to be happy, and fully believe that she will realize this isn't what she really wants.

 

Regardless of the outcome, I believe that it is where I am supposed to be in life, I have lived life knowing that things in my life happen for a reason and will continue to live it knowing that God has a plan for me.

[scorpmale003]

i never heard a person making as many excuses as you made for her....continue with desperation....

 

"She has been a wonderful wife for the past 8 years"

seems to be...(are you really sure this is her first time)

 

 

"I am not giving up on my marriage and will do everything I can to make it work"

 

you need to let it free in order to get it back....some times people dig a deep hole and crawl into it...you already dug your head into the deep abyss...

 

it's really confusing to me...who is the cheater here....????

[CaliGuy]

Marting, as much as you want this to work, it takes two to tango. Right now she isn't dancing much. I think she's deep in the fog and by you not putting her out of the house (if possible) you're actually enabling her. She doesn't have to stress about her options because she has plenty of them in the security of your home.

 

Continue with the 180 and yes, having hope is ok but it must be kept in checked by reality. All you have right now is a bad situation that can only get better (for you) when/if she decides she made a huge mistake. Until she does, you need to tread carefully.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You need to be strong. and if that means kicking her out and let her fend for herself, then so be it. She's saying she wants space because she either wants to continue the affair or she wants time to choose between the man she was F-ing or you her husband. And in both situations i dont think any man should be regulated to the back up position in this case. You are her husband!

 

If she doesnt want to come home, just tell her to leave you alone, she'll either come home and be remorseful, or she wont and just stay gone, but dont live in limbo.

 

It aint worth it. Reading these books isnt gonna help in the long run if you fail to do what is neccessary.

[pureinheart]

Not sure if this is the right forum for this, but here goes:

 

A month ago, I found out that my wife had cheated (physically and emotionally) on me with another man. I confronted her and she broke down and told me everything. I had found out a week after it had happened, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that was the only time. So, she had cheated once, and I found out a week later and it hasn't happened since.

 

Now, my wife is saying she isn't sure we have a "spark" and that she is thinking she loves me more as a friend. We are doing marriage counseling, but she is going alone and they are focusing on her because she is the confused one at the moment. I have forgiven her, did not kick her out, and know that if she loves me, that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

She recently has started sleeping in a separate room and says she needs her space to think. I think looking back, that not kicking her out when I found out was not a good idea, as she had no real consequences for her actions and was unable to experience my absence. Now I am thinking of telling her that I love her and want to give her space to think and that I will be leaving for a week or so and will not initiate contact with her (won't tell her that) and will let her know that if she wants to contact me and talk, she is free to do so. I will stress to her that this is because I love her and want to give her space to think. I hope this will give her a clearer understanding of her feeling toward me (misses me?).

 

The plan is, if she calls and says she loves me and wants to work hard on the marriage, I will return and we will talk. If she doesn't call and doesn't indicate she missed me, I will return and we will also talk, maybe she needs to leave if she is still confused this time. If after the second time, she is still confused about her feelings for me, I would recommend we separate for awhile and use that time to find out our feelings for each other.

 

Hope this was not too long, but I have been meaning to get this on here for awhile. I am hoping she realizes her feelings for me and will try this twice (me leave and not contact her during the week, followed by her leaving and me not contacting her during the time if she is still confused after I return). I am prepared to accept if she comes to realize that she does not want to be with me, and will move on as I do not want to be with someone who does not love me. We do not have kids, own our house which would go on the market in the event of long separation period (3-5 months) and she still doesn't know how she feels.

 

Also, lastly, the other guy was a bartender at the bar she frequents with her girl friends. Am I justified in saying she can no longer attend that bar until my trust returns?

 

Thank you in advance for all your advice.

 

The bold seems to pop out to me, this could be why there is the problem..I have to ask...not trying to be rude, just pointing something out I saw, did you communicate this to her, if so do you feel justified in having the "ability" to make her leave...this could be what turned her off....even if no words were communicated, if the attitude was there then that would have done it for me....not feeling wanted.

 

I hope everything turns out ok...also telling her not to go to the bar is still her choice, you can tell her it makes you uncomfortable, but that's it....people do what they want anyway.

 

Personally, I don't think a M person should be frequenting bars without the S....JMO

[CaliGuy]

You need to be strong. and if that means kicking her out and let her fend for herself, then so be it. She's saying she wants space because she either wants to continue the affair or she wants time to choose between the man she was F-ing or you her husband. And in both situations i dont think any man should be regulated to the back up position in this case. You are her husband!

 

If she doesnt want to come home, just tell her to leave you alone, she'll either come home and be remorseful, or she wont and just stay gone, but dont live in limbo.

 

Agree completely up to this point.

 

It aint worth it. Reading these books isnt gonna help in the long run if you fail to do what is neccessary.

 

Actually the books I recommended will help him immensely because they will show him how his "door mat" behavior is bad. It will show him how to love/respect himself so that others will love and respect him (NMMNG).

 

The other book, Love Must Be Tough, is absolutely essential for married couples in crisis. This book shows him that being a "nice guy" to someone how has wronged you is NOT the way to go. He needs to put up boundaries and learn to be the type of man his spouse will love and respect. It also tells you at what point you need to "pull up chocks" and leave the taxiway. Too many people hang on far longer than they should.

 

Both books will help him out a lot or I would not have recommended them.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Agree completely up to this point.

 

 

 

Actually the books I recommended will help him immensely because they will show him how his "door mat" behavior is bad. It will show him how to love/respect himself so that others will love and respect him (NMMNG).

 

The other book, Love Must Be Tough, is absolutely essential for married couples in crisis. This book shows him that being a "nice guy" to someone how has wronged you is NOT the way to go. He needs to put up boundaries and learn to be the type of man his spouse will love and respect. It also tells you at what point you need to "pull up chocks" and leave the taxiway. Too many people hang on far longer than they should.

 

Both books will help him out a lot or I would not have recommended them.

 

But if the knowledge he acquires from these books, he fails to put into action what's the point. I mean self help books are good and all but common sense trumps alot of things.

 

He needs to do what is necessary.

 

Yeah being a door mat isnt a good way to go, we both can agree on that cali.

[CaliGuy]

But if the knowledge he acquires from these books, he fails to put into action what's the point. I mean self help books are good and all but common sense trumps alot of things.

 

He needs to do what is necessary.

 

Agreed. What's the old adage? "You can lead a horse to water but you can not make it drink..." In this case, the books are the water. If he fails to put into practice he learns then he isn't drinking. In that case there is nothing you, I or anyone else can do for him.

 

Show them the path they must take and pray they follow it.

 

Yeah being a door mat isnt a good way to go, we both can agree on that cali.

 

I have yet to know any woman who genuinely loves and respects a door mat nice guy.

[pureinheart]

Agreed. What's the old adage? "You can lead a horse to water but you can not make it drink..." In this case, the books are the water. If he fails to put into practice he learns then he isn't drinking. In that case there is nothing you, I or anyone else can do for him.

 

Show them the path they must take and pray they follow it.

 

 

 

I have yet to know any woman who genuinely loves and respects a door mat nice guy.

 

These are great books BTW...well I respect nice guys...Gods timing though....

[marting]

Thanks everybody, I have been away from the computer for awhile, which I think i needed also...all I am doing is researching this stuff. I did receive the Dobson book, and could not put it down until I had finished it. I did not realize how "weak" I was really being, and that it was actually hurting the chances of repairing my relationship. The 180 seems to be working, and it is definitely getting to be easier living separately in the house. I am keeping myself busy and really starting to do a lot better in this situation. I know it was wrong before I did it, and afterwards...but in a fit of anger the other night, I did "attempt" to kick her out of the house. I told her she needed to leave , that I still wanted to work on the marriage, but I could not live like this and feel that I relationship has a better chance of being repaired if I did not have to see her every day. I said "attempt" because she asked where would she go, and I said I would pay for a hotel if need be. She made it clear she did not want to leave (good sign?), yesterday and today though, her attitude seems to have changed , she seems more friendly now. Good sign? Still manipulating me? Or genuine sign that she now knows I mean business and she is starting to wake up? The 180 can't work that quick!... I made a mistake though, and got very angry and put a hole in my wall...I know, wrong way to do it (fit of anger), but I do think it may have gotten the point across.

 

After reading Dobson's book, I do realize that I have been enabling this behavior and even pushing her farther away, that all changes now. I have also made the decision that if things are not drastically turned around by this weekend, Monday I am going to take the steps and suggest she leave the house, if she refuses, I will take the steps to have her leave.

 

I am refusing to leave, as many on here have told me not too.

 

Once again, I WANT to save my marriage, which Dobson stresses in his book. I just have a new approach to use now, always thought that being tough would drive her further away.

 

though, now I know that being tough is the way to go, if she does love me, then forcing a crisis point will get her to the point where she must make that decision. If the crisis point is forced and she goes the other way, it was not meant to be. But, regardless, I will be more confident and able to move on with my life.

 

 

pureinheart: no, I and her are very aware that night that if I wanted to, I would have kicked her out and could have. And she has mentioned that she knows if this happens again that I will kick her out, file the papers, and not look back. Although, her refusing to leave the other night does now have me in a predicament. I hope maybe it was me finally getting very angry and telling her she needs to leave that she now knows that I will not wait around forever. I consider that point the start of my 180, and now I really don't even have anything to say to her and have no desire to be around her....so, it was a good starting point.

 

Thanks everyone.

[lkjh]

I am sorry you are going through this but you really need to man up. Women don't respect men that don't respect themselves. You have to realize that life can go on with out her. Just sit back and let it sink in that she let another man inside of her. On top of that some punk guy she only knows from a bar.

 

 

Telling her to leave was good, but immediately following it up with "I want to work on the marriage" was bad.

 

 

Ask yourself this, after what your wife did is she even worth being married to?

[marting]

lkjh: We have been together 8 years, and were very happily married. This thing that happened was one time, and she even recognizes it as a mistake. I know for a fact, that she has not seen him since; and she has said now that she will respect my wishes and not return to the bar. I understand that people make mistakes, even really bad ones.

 

My only issue now is that she is in a state of mind where she is confused and not sure if she wants to work on the marriage. the crisis point needs to be forced so we don't stay in limbo, and she knows she needs to make this decision.

 

I do realize now, that no matter what I do, the marriage will not work unless she wants it to. I am implementing the 180 and getting on with my life, if she wants the marriage to work, she can let me know, we can sit down and talk about what went wrong and how we proceed from there, and start working hard to repair our marriage. If she does not want it to work, it is not meant to be and we will both move on with our lives.

[CaliGuy]

Marting,

 

I am really glad you got the book. You can now see where I am coming from when I tell you that you need to make the hard, tough decisions. I do implore you though, please do not make threats and do not back them up. If you want her out of the house, tell her firmly and give her a time limit to make arrangements. When you make threats and don't follow them, she loses even more respect for you.

 

Say what you mean.

Mean what you say.

 

Keep reading Dobson's book. But make sure you dive into NO MORE MR NICE GUY. It will help you as much as Dobsons book in the terms of getting rid of the door mat behaviors (such as getting angry, making threats and then not following through).

 

BTW: When you threaten your wife to make her leave, as you have done, and don't follow up with it, anything else you say to her on that same level (threat) won't be taken seriously either (such as "I will divorce you", etc).

 

This is why you should never make a threat and not follow through with it. (by threat, I mean something that threatens the relationship, not physical violence, never do that!). Get my drift?

 

If you really want her out, give her a week to make arrangements. Don't offer to pay for it, you didn't cheat, SHE DID. She should be the one scrambling to win you back, not you. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

Be mean when you need to.

Be kind when you need to.

Be sure that you love and respect yourself or OTHERS will not love and respect you.

 

Got me?

 

Also if she is not sure she loves you, then why is she in the house? MAKE HER LEAVE so she can see what life is like without you and so you can focus on yourself and working on fixing your issues. You can't fix her. Her problems are hers alone to fix, but you can stop making things worse by not enabling her.

[redy2]

I had a friend go through a similar deal a few years back. And the whole time she was staying with him trying to "work on their marriage". She was secretly opening up credit cards in his name and racking up debt. One day he came home to an empty house and empty checking account. So please keep an eye out on that.

 

Just because you think you know someone you truly don't. Heck I never would have guessed in a million years that my ex wife would have done what she did. I found out on a monday afternoon. I filed for divorce on that same wed.

 

sorry your in this mess but life's a b***h and sometimes you just have to move along.

[LucreziaBorgia]

My only issue now is that she is in a state of mind where she is confused and not sure if she wants to work on the marriage.

 

The way I see it, the best way to cut through that fog is to tell her that she can be confused on her own dime and under her own roof and make her leave. She needs to know explicitly that your home is the MARITAL home, and there is no room for "confusion" or "space" and that when she is feeling a little less "confused" and wants to work on the marriage she is welcome to come back home.

 

You don't have anything to lose really. If she goes, she will be forced to clear up that "confusion". If she stays, then she will simply string you along indefinitely using "confusion" as a way to keep you a heart's distance away and not work on the marriage.

[pureinheart]

I had a friend go through a similar deal a few years back. And the whole time she was staying with him trying to "work on their marriage". She was secretly opening up credit cards in his name and racking up debt. One day he came home to an empty house and empty checking account. So please keep an eye out on that.

 

Just because you think you know someone you truly don't. Heck I never would have guessed in a million years that my ex wife would have done what she did. I found out on a monday afternoon. I filed for divorce on that same wed.

 

sorry your in this mess but life's a b***h and sometimes you just have to move along.

 

 

 

Ummmm, being in this sitch also have to say once burned twice shy (wow, had a Freudian slip, noticed that I had typed "once burned twice shine")...me and my ex did get back together and when I knew things were going south again I changed my bank account, direct deposit...all of it...blocked credit cards ect.... I left a tid bit in one that we shared...and sure enouogh he took all of it out...

[pureinheart]

I have ordered the books that you recommended Caliguy, they will be here tomorrow. I will read them before I make any decisions. I do see that it is a good sign that we are doing marriage counseling, and feel that the marriage is worth saving (everyone can see how I feel by now). I do know that this was the only time, and do know that nothing is currently going on. I am hoping she quits second guessing herself and gets over the feeling of something new and realizes that she has a good thing going with me and that she truly does love me. From the reading I have done, the fog needs to clear, and she needs to comeout of the withdrawal stage. I have started to implement the 180 technique and feel much more confident, and didn't realize it at first, but it was a great idea for her to leave the bedroom, I now do not feel as attached and am seriously starting to think things through, makes the 180 much easier. I do hope that she takes the time and realizes that she does miss and love me. I am not giving up on my marriage and will do everything I can to make it work. She has been a wonderful wife for the past 8 years. I know it sounds like I will do anything for her even after she broke the cardinal rule in marriage, but it feels right and I guess that is what true love is...at one point in the not so distant past, she felt the same about me. My religion tells me that people make mistakes, and I forgive her for it and do not think on what she did, just how she feels about me currently.

 

I have been doing much reading lately, and people do get past infidelity in their marriages, and I will do everything in my power to succeed in that also.

 

I WILL read those books, and I hope they do make me a better man and husband. And maybe they will show me that I do need to take a stand and kick her out or move on to someone else in the future. Until I read them, the current situation is working for me.

 

I was in the military, and we got married young, me 19 her 21. What she is realizing now is she never had a college/single party phase. this is what she is thinking she missed out on and wondering if she wants to get this back somehow. she believes to do this, she may have to leave me and do this for herself. I want her to be happy, and fully believe that she will realize this isn't what she really wants.

 

Regardless of the outcome, I believe that it is where I am supposed to be in life, I have lived life knowing that things in my life happen for a reason and will continue to live it knowing that God has a plan for me.

 

And right there my friend is the big picture, in fact the only picture...if God be for you, who may I ask can be against you!!!!!!!!!!

 

I know this is gonna sound really weird, but God showed me He was doing a separating and a putting together, meaning there were many people with the wrong people, they follow the form, although deny the power thereof. He is putting people with the right people...His perfect will, not His permissive...many mainstream will not understand this, although I know it to be the truth.

 

Marting, your heart is right....oh and on my last reply...no Freudian slip...once burned twice shine is for you....

Edited February 19, 2010 by pureinheart

[marting]

Thanks everyone for everything...

 

We seem to be doing ok now, we had a long talk the other night and she said she sees us staying married, and wants to work on the relationship. she has told me that she is only sleeping in a separate room now because she does still feel guilty and uncomfortable with intimate contact with me. I can understand that and have read in research that it does take awhile, especially for women to want to feel intimate with their spouse after something like this happens. We do hug, peck, and hold hands again, and last night, she even asked me to come into the spare room and lay in bed to hold hands and watch tv. I did leave later in the night to go back to my bedroom...but it was nice...baby steps.

 

I know in my heart that what she did was a one night stand mistake, and not a full blown affair, but it has played havoc on all of our emotions. I still want to remain married to her and have forgiven her, she still wants to remain married to me and needs to work past her guilt. We are continuing with marriage counseling, and seem to be doing a lot better now.

 

Regardless, I am using this time to work on myself, I see it as a test from God and whatever happens, I will be a better and stronger person for it. I think our relationship will strenghthen also, we have come to realize that we had started leading too independent lives, we were doing things more apart than together. I love my wife, and will continue to love her.

 

Thanks everyone!...will keep you guys informed on my situation periodically.

[marting]

Well, figured it is time for an update....

 

I asked my wife to leave the house last week, she left and is living with a friend. I told her that I love her and I want to work on the relationship, but I think it would be better if she did not live here until she knew if she wanted to work on the relationship. I have been getting on with my life quite well, going out with friends, working, and getting household chores done. 3 days after she left, she said that she missed me and wanted to return, I told her to take some more time and really think about our situation and what she wanted in life. We ended the phone conversation with "i love yous" and under the impression that she knew what she wanted now and would most likely be back within the week. I met her today for lunch, and she seems to still be confused, I once again told her that I love her and wanted to work on the relationship, but that I felt it was best that she did not move in until she knew where her feeling were for me. I then told her that I love her and still want to work on the relationship and I would talk to her on Sunday and walked away without another word.

 

First, I think I messed up the situation by answering the phone, should have given her more time to think and let her think that she may really be losing me.

 

Second, I said I would talk to her on Sunday, because my plan is to see where she stands by then, if she still is confused we will do the separation agreement. If she doesn't know after a month, I plan on putting the house on the market and not looking back. For anyone who hasn't read the entire thread, it has now been two months that I have been struggling with this situation. I feel that my marriage is worth saving, but she has to feel the same way, and if it goes three months, she is now jeapordizing our financial future which, if we do stay together, will only put more stress on rebuilding the relationship.

 

 

Also, I have read the books recommended:

life must be tough and no more mr. nice guy.....thank you, they are helping me a lot.

 

 

ideas, comments???