30 years

[zippy's login]

Hi everyone. One week ago my wife of 26 years and lover/best friend of 30 years left me for another man. I am now at home with the children (18yr, 15yr and 12yr). My wife is firm in her decision and is not going to try and reconcile. I will admit that we have been growing apart for some time so her decision to want to separate is not completely a suprise nor am I completely disappointed. I am hurt although by her breaking a complete trust I had in her by having an affair. The hurt of this consumes me and I can't seem to think straight. I am keeping up a good front for the kids but sometimes it so hard to do.

 

The kids seem to be doing fine so far. The 15yr and 18yr have some anger built up but that is slowly reducing. The 11yr just misses his mom. I am encouraging the kids to reach out and talk to their mom. This past week I had my first therapy session and have one set up for me and the kids next week. I have told my wife (or whatever I should call her now) that that she can see the kids any time she would like but that I would will not let the children be anywhere near her new boyfriend.

 

I am a good father and and have always spent lots of time with the children (other than my bad cooking).

 

I have met with an attorney and understand that I am in a strong position given that she left, is moving in with her boyfriend and has a history of drug addiction. I don't want to use this position to keep her from the kids but right now I just can't bear to have them be around this other guy.

 

Any words of wisdom how I can get over the sense of betrayal and the contempt for the other man?

 

Zippy

[Tony T]

Though doing so may not take away any of the pain, I think you should celebrate the good years you had with this woman. You did one hell of a lot better than MANY!!! Relationships have a shelf life. Some go on forever, some sour right away and some sour at some point but the parties stay together for kids or financial reasons.

 

I am sorry you are going through what you are. There are no words or explanations that are going to take away the pain. However, this is all part of the equation. Anytime any person gets together with another, the timetable is uncertain. The majority of people would be jealous that your relationship ran as long as it did.

[zippy's login]

Though doing so may not take away any of the pain, I think you should celebrate the good years you had with this woman. You did one hell of a lot better than MANY!!! Relationships have a shelf life. Some go on forever, some sour right away and some sour at some point but the parties stay together for kids or financial reasons.

 

I am sorry you are going through what you are. There are no words or explanations that are going to take away the pain. However, this is all part of the equation. Anytime any person gets together with another, the timetable is uncertain. The majority of people would be jealous that your relationship ran as long as it did.

 

Thanks Tony. I understand it will pass and I'm going to be fine. The shock has worn off and in many ways I am fine with the split up. I am looking forward to a new life. But I am worried about the 2 younger kids. Thankfully I have a good family who lives in the same city I do so that helps and a strong faith. This faith is also getting me through the death of my father three weeks ago.

 

Zippy

[Tony T]

The separation of their parents and the death of their grandfather will definitely have a serious affect on your children. Therefore, it is extremely important that you communicate events with them in a manner they will understand. If you are able, some counseling would be very helpful for them. Discipline them as usual but in a kinder way. There is no way of knowing what kind of pain or thoughts are lingering in your childrens' minds.

 

This is a lot to go through. We all have these periods at some point in our lives but the do pass and we become stronger. Be kind to yourself and be sure to find a confidant, counselor or clergyman to discuss your feelings with. This is an awful lot for any human being to endure at the same time.

[mimidarlin]

Zippy,

I don't have children but I know that this experience is devastating them. I have many students that share their home lives with me. They may not be surprised at the events and they may have been aware of her affair. This is traumatic to children because they feel caught in the middle. They love both of their parents even if they feel anger at one or both of them. You are going to be a role model for how to work through a very difficult situation. Your instinct will be to protect them from everything but I encourage you to talk with them about the difficulties.

 

Focus on going to therapy and including your children. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have discussions about the situation with them but a therapist can help you work through it as a family. One of my students is having to decide who they want to live with and the court appointed a guardian to aid in this decision. The guardian is interviewing both parents and both children. This is very difficult for the child but I think a guardian/therapist can help intervene when emotions get the better of us.

 

Just be careful to not vent your anger at their mother in front of them. I think many of us can say hateful and harmful things when our emotions get the better of us. Use LS to help you vent.

 

Best of luck to you and your children.

[Butterflair]

Just ended a 32 yr marriage, almost 3 months separated. It's good you got a lawyer and started a process, it shows you are serious. Keep your focus on your children. Don't force the ex to spend time with them but allow it if she wants time. Try not to focus your energies on the OM, it's easy to hate him but he's only half the problem, your real issue lies with your wife. The man is just a plug in, could be any man.

 

Keep communication open with the kids, don't talk trash about mom but answer questions honestly. Give them a good solid foundation, it's going to be a shaky time for them too. I have two sons that are grown and married and it's not easy for them either. One is still not talking to his dad but that's mostly because dad is having a relationship with son's ex-girlfriend from High School.

 

Find people to talk to and who can give you some good advice and direction. It's hard to see through the pain. Keep your contact with the ex direct and neutral, no emotion either way. One day at a time, I'm still in the painful part but I hope to see some light on the other side. Hang in there.

[zippy's login]

Just ended a 32 yr marriage, almost 3 months separated. It's good you got a lawyer and started a process, it shows you are serious. Keep your focus on your children. Don't force the ex to spend time with them but allow it if she wants time. Try not to focus your energies on the OM, it's easy to hate him but he's only half the problem, your real issue lies with your wife. The man is just a plug in, could be any man.

 

Keep communication open with the kids, don't talk trash about mom but answer questions honestly. Give them a good solid foundation, it's going to be a shaky time for them too. I have two sons that are grown and married and it's not easy for them either. One is still not talking to his dad but that's mostly because dad is having a relationship with son's ex-girlfriend from High School.

 

Find people to talk to and who can give you some good advice and direction. It's hard to see through the pain. Keep your contact with the ex direct and neutral, no emotion either way. One day at a time, I'm still in the painful part but I hope to see some light on the other side. Hang in there.

 

Thanks for the thoughts. It was my first day back to work today after taking off last week due to sick kids, snow and just general shock. It was great to have a distraction all day long. The thoughts never really left my head but I didn't dwell - which was great. I have to tell my mom this weekend and that's really going to be hard since my dad died three weeks ago.

 

Zippy

[zippy's login]

I am an idiot. There I said it. My wife has been gone a little over a week and she's waiting for her OM to leave his wife. I kept thinking it would not happen. Not because I want her back because I guess to get even a little bit. Anyway, I have the kids and emails from school are sent to her personal email. So I logged in and while checking school stuff I noticed an open email from OM. Here is the stupid part - I read the email. I saw the pet names,etc and it broke my heart all over again. Just sitting there at work looking out the window for an hour trying to keep it together. I came back around (other than catching a stomach virus from one of the kids) and seem OK for the moment. Why did I do that when I KNEW it would be bad?

[2.50 a gallon]

Zippy

 

One question, is the OM's wife aware to what is going down?

[Butterflair]

You needed the reality check of what is really happening. I spent a month reading emails and pet names but I was able to be "outside" of myself and look as an observer. Probably because that's when something died in me and I knew it was over.

 

If you can, you should let the other spouse know what's going on. I'd bet that the OM is NOT going to leave his wife, I think that's rare.

 

What did the lawyer say?

 

I'm so sorry about your dad, what a terrible time for all this to happen. Keep your focus. It's time to be selfish and think about YOU. Maybe get some IC if needed. Telling your mom might be a good first step, siblings are also good support. You need someone with a clear head to help you see things clearly.

[zippy's login]

Zippy

 

One question, is the OM's wife aware to what is going down?

 

She is supposed to be. I have thought about calling her......

[reboot]

She is supposed to be. I have thought about calling her......

 

You should.

[zippy's login]

You needed the reality check of what is really happening. I spent a month reading emails and pet names but I was able to be "outside" of myself and look as an observer. Probably because that's when something died in me and I knew it was over.

 

If you can, you should let the other spouse know what's going on. I'd bet that the OM is NOT going to leave his wife, I think that's rare.

 

What did the lawyer say?

 

I'm so sorry about your dad, what a terrible time for all this to happen. Keep your focus. It's time to be selfish and think about YOU. Maybe get some IC if needed. Telling your mom might be a good first step, siblings are also good support. You need someone with a clear head to help you see things clearly.

 

I thought about contacting the OM's wife - I have their home phone number. He may not have actually told her yet and he's playing my Ex. I don't want her back but I also don't wish ill against her (yet).

 

I'm telling my mom Saturday. Brothers and sisters know and are being very supportive.

 

The lawyer advised that my Ex can not have overnight visits as long as she is living with the OM adn not married. We live in an 'at fault' state so she can not file for divorce unless I agree. He also advised that I am in a very good position regarding custody but I'm hoping we don't come to that battle. I want the Ex to see the kids and the kids need their mom but right now I feel like she has dumped everything on me while she is out playing. I also closed all joint credit cards and bank accounts so if she wants to spend $$ with the OM she can on her $$$.

 

Zippy

[2.50 a gallon]

Zippy

 

Tell the OM's wife today, copy the e-mails, etc, in short cut off his nuts

 

The OM's wife has a right to know what is going on in her life so she can make her own choice

 

Gallon

[GorillaTheater]

I've been married as long as you, Zippy, and I understand how this must be tearing your heart out. But, at this point, you can't let her know how this is tearing you apart. It's utterly counter-intuitive, but you can't beg, plead or cry (in front of her, anyways). Those things will only drive her away farther, because at this point she's all about her. She doesn't care how you feel. Be calm, cool, collected and confident. "You're right wife, our marriage isn't working out. I need to be with someone who wants to be with me and values our relationship." Will that get her back? Maybe, maybe not. But regardless of outcome it puts you mentally where you need to be. Take this to heart: Other Man = No Marriage.

 

Is it a midlife crisis? Google "my wife's mlc" for some great information out there. Take a look at "Path Partners". There's alot of information and support available. My simplistic mathematical formula: depression + unresolved childhood issues = MLC. I don't know if this applies to your wife, but based on the situation you describe, I think it might.

 

Yeah, tell the OM's wife. Today. Hang in there, brother.

[GorillaTheater]

I also closed all joint credit cards and bank accounts so if she wants to spend $$ with the OM she can on her $$$.

 

And this was outstanding. She needs to learn (1)consequences and (2) you are not a safety net or a back-up plan in case the OM thing doesn't work out.

[aimchase]

I am an idiot. There I said it. My wife has been gone a little over a week and she's waiting for her OM to leave his wife. I kept thinking it would not happen. Not because I want her back because I guess to get even a little bit. Anyway' date=' I have the kids and emails from school are sent to her personal email. So I logged in and while checking school stuff I noticed an open email from OM. Here is the stupid part - I read the email. I saw the pet names,etc and it broke my heart all over again. Just sitting there at work looking out the window for an hour trying to keep it together. I came back around (other than catching a stomach virus from one of the kids) and seem OK for the moment. Why did I do that when I KNEW it would be bad?[/quote']

 

Zippy, it's ok to get upset and completely normal. This was a long relationship and I feel that whilst you are conducting yourself very well, the realisation is probably yet to properly hit you.

 

Your focus is great though and I see a lot of strength in you just from reading your posts. I feel the wife will come to eventually realise what she has walked from (particularly the children and family set up) and will probably come back crawling at some point. Don't hang on to that thought though, whether it be because you'd want her back or you want her to suffer. Just concentrate on your kids, yourself, and understand that over time you will hit good days and bad days, but you will come out of it even stronger, wiser, and with a positive future ahead of you.

[zippy's login]

I've been married as long as you, Zippy, and I understand how this must be tearing your heart out. But, at this point, you can't let her know how this is tearing you apart. It's utterly counter-intuitive, but you can't beg, plead or cry (in front of her, anyways). Those things will only drive her away farther, because at this point she's all about her. She doesn't care how you feel. Be calm, cool, collected and confident. "You're right wife, our marriage isn't working out. I need to be with someone who wants to be with me and values our relationship." Will that get her back? Maybe, maybe not. But regardless of outcome it puts you mentally where you need to be. Take this to heart: Other Man = No Marriage.

 

Is it a midlife crisis? Google "my wife's mlc" for some great information out there. Take a look at "Path Partners". There's alot of information and support available. My simplistic mathematical formula: depression + unresolved childhood issues = MLC. I don't know if this applies to your wife, but based on the situation you describe, I think it might.

 

Yeah, tell the OM's wife. Today. Hang in there, brother.

 

I'm doing pretty well. I'm in NC mode. Even though I had three kids with stomach virus last night I didn't text her. I don't need her help and I want her to know that. I won't stop her from seeing the kids (unless dude is around) but I'm not going to instigate it. It's very much a MDL. What is amazing is that her father did the same thing 35 years ago and she never forgave him.

 

Thanks for the help.

 

Zippy

[zippy's login]

Zippy, it's ok to get upset and completely normal. This was a long relationship and I feel that whilst you are conducting yourself very well, the realisation is probably yet to properly hit you.

 

Your focus is great though and I see a lot of strength in you just from reading your posts. I feel the wife will come to eventually realise what she has walked from (particularly the children and family set up) and will probably come back crawling at some point. Don't hang on to that thought though, whether it be because you'd want her back or you want her to suffer. Just concentrate on your kids, yourself, and understand that over time you will hit good days and bad days, but you will come out of it even stronger, wiser, and with a positive future ahead of you.

 

Thanks. I appreciate it.

[Butterflair]

Zippy

 

Tell the OM's wife today, copy the e-mails, etc, in short cut off his nuts

 

The OM's wife has a right to know what is going on in her life so she can make her own choice

 

Gallon

 

I agree with this. Chances are she already knows something is up or may know more than you. She might be glad you told her or she might be angry at you but the OM should not get a free ride through this and she needs to know. Two of them are into this so both of them should have consequences. The OM's wife will respect you in the end for being the only one who told her the truth.

 

To date not one person but my own sons have told me anything about what was going on and they were the one's who suspected something amiss.

[zippy's login]

I agree with this. Chances are she already knows something is up or may know more than you. She might be glad you told her or she might be angry at you but the OM should not get a free ride through this and she needs to know. Two of them are into this so both of them should have consequences. The OM's wife will respect you in the end for being the only one who told her the truth.

 

To date not one person but my own sons have told me anything about what was going on and they were the one's who suspected something amiss.

 

OK - talked with my therapist tonight and she said I should not call the OM's wife - that in the long run it would not make me feel better - that it will all sort out anyway. Since my lawyer said to stay away from the SOB (for now) this is a way of getting back at him. It has been 2 weeks and he still has not left his wife so I'm thinking he isn't going to - it's also a way to get the SOB out of my wife's life quicker. I told my therapist that I would not do anything until next week - but I think my fingers were crossed. We'll see.

 

 

Zippy

[GorillaTheater]

OK - talked with my therapist tonight and she said I should not call the OM's wife - that in the long run it would not make me feel better - that it will all sort out anyway. Since my lawyer said to stay away from the SOB (for now) this is a way of getting back at him. It has been 2 weeks and he still has not left his wife so I'm thinking he isn't going to - it's also a way to get the SOB out of my wife's life quicker. I told my therapist that I would not do anything until next week - but I think my fingers were crossed. We'll see.

 

 

Zippy

 

I disagree with your IC to this extent: (1) if you want to end the affair, the best way is exposure. Affairs aren't so fun and magical and princess sparkle pony time when the sh*t hits the fan, and (2) the OM's wife deserves to know the truth. At this point, she's the only player in this foursome who doesn't.

 

Don't do it out of revenge or in an effort to make yourself feel better. The first is unworthy and your therapist may be right on the second point. But do it because you want to save your marriage and because, even if you don't, it's the fair thing for this guy's wife.

[mimidarlin]

I agree with it being fair to the other spouse. We know how we felt when we found out about the affairs. Would ignorance be bliss? Your therapist is entitled to an opinion. I think it is important to not do it out of revenge but for the sake of the other spouse.

 

Does his wife know that he's having an affair? Does she know that three children are being abandoned by their mother? Does she know that he is promising your soon to be ex that he is leaving his wife? He is probably manipulating both situations and being a cake eater as they say on LS. His spouse deserves better. We all deserve better treatment than this disrespectful behavior? Will this make your wife come back? Who gives a s**t? This isn't about making her come back!

[zippy's login]

2 weeks and I've really got mixed emotions. In some ways I feel like I've been dumped this huge load to carry with my kids, house, job, etc - but my family is very supporting, I'm getting organized, my kids love me and it's going to work. I am also feeling the need for revenge - no matter how petty. This is not like me and I keep trying to stir this emotion away but it won't stop. I think she got an apartment today (with a loan from her boss) so I'm guessing the SOB will move in - we'll find out soon (no I didn't call his wife). He can have her. She will be sorry one day.

 

Zippy

[GorillaTheater]

I was thinking about you and your sitch Zippy, and just wanted to check in with you. The best advice I have for you and the feelings you're dealing with, and the hardest to take and to put into practice, is to detach to the point that nothing either of them say or do effects you one way or the other. Sounds impossible, but it isn't. At first, you start out by pretending it doesn't effect you. Fake it until you make it. But the time will come when you don't have to fake it anymore. Detach, detach, detach.

 

Don't be tempted to do anything stupid. Judges hate angry dads. Don't even do or say anything that could be taken as a threat. Any advantage you have now regarding custody of your kids can be swept away in an instant with one crazy stunt. Don't go there.

 

You want revenge? Be happy. It'll drive her batsh*t crazy, trust me. And tell the OM's wife. Not for revenge, like I said, but nonetheless you might take some satisfaction in the nuclear detonation that follows.

 

Calm, cool, collected, and confidant.

 

You file for divorce yet?