Boundary Problem Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 He lives his life by rules and consequences. It is all he knows and he can't deviate too far from that structure of rules and consequences. He understands trust. He is working on faith. He does not understand love. He does not understand how two people love each other and what that interface looks like. And he is trying to lead. 1. Is it doomed? 2. Can he give love in return if he doesn't recognize it when he sees it? He can sense the love, and on one hand he yearns for it, but on the other more dominant hand, he fears it. It is instinct to fear and recoil from that which you do not understand. I refuse to live without love. So how can this be fixed?
carhill Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 So how can this be fixed? Psychological therapy
Ronni_W Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 He does not understand love. BP, Is your experience of him that he really does not understand love, or more that he believes that he doesn't? Does he speak and act lovingly? Have you approached it from perspective that "love" is an umbrella term for a whole range of qualities and feelings: trust, respect, admiration, compassion, understanding, acceptance, caring, consideration, cooperation, etc.? That it's having a sense of being --or at least wanting to be-- mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically/sexually connected? Desiring to build a life together, to share life's highs and lows; to inspire, encourage, support and comfort each other? To learn, grow and have fun together? Maybe if he breaks it down like that, it could help him get clearer on what he doesn't understand about it, and which parts are most scary, least scary and not scary at all? 2. Can he give love in return if he doesn't recognize it when he sees it? I know that he believes that he can't recognize it. But I'm still having a helluva time accepting the concept. Is he 100% sure that he can't tell the difference when someone is treating him lovingly versus when someone is acting without regard for his feelings, needs, likes, dislikes, etc.? Is he aware that he is experiencing "love" when he feels happy, alive, vibrant, liked, approved of, competent, etc.? That there are different types and varying degrees of "love"? Does he have hobbies, interests, causes, places, goals or objects that he can feel passion for and get really excited about? If so, how he feels about those can help him connect with the "love feelings" within himself. It came to me that you could use classic and contemporary 'love stories' (books, movies, real life) as educational tools. And there are examples all around that you could point out, "See how that dad is looking at his baby...that's how love looks." "See the looks on the Saints' faces when they won the Super Bowl...that's also love in action." I don't know. It's very interesting. I totally get how deep the fear must be. I agree with carhill: psychotherapy could prove most helpful.
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