Looking for an independent woman

[dave22]

So after another short-lived relationship ended a few months ago I got to thinking about what I really want in a relationship and have realized that I am just a very independent person who probably should be with someone who is also very independent.

 

I want someone who can take care of herself and won't always be expecting me to take care of certain things for her. Sure I will do nice things for her sometimes, but it can't always be expected. I can take care of myself and so should she. I also need to be able to do my own thing sometimes. If I want to go hiking in South America and she doesn't, well then it should be understood that I will just go myself. I have a lot of female friends, probably half of my friends are female. I should be able to do things with my friends whenever I want without her being jealous. I don't have time to be jealous of anyone myself. I just assume I can trust someone, and if I find out I am wrong about that, I just would just end it and move on.

 

Anyways, I don't mean this to be a rant. I am only wondering if there are any women out there who are also looking for an independent, yet committed relationship. I think there should be. Maybe I just haven't been dating the right type so far. Any thoughts?

[CarrieT]

I'm that woman and I think it scares away many men; I'm TOO independent and many men I have dated don't like the fact that I have a lot of male friends (many of whom ARE heterosexual but I do NOT sleep with them).

 

Dave, I think people like us are a very rare breed and it is hard for us to find types like us out there. I am successfully self-employed and own my own set of power tools. I don't need a guy to help me do anything but would dearly love to wake up next to someone in the morning.

[dave22]

I don't need a guy to help me do anything but would dearly love to wake up next to someone in the morning.

 

My thoughts exactly.

[soulm8]

I'm that woman and I think it scares away many men; I'm TOO independent and many men I have dated don't like the fact that I have a lot of male friends (many of whom ARE heterosexual but I do NOT sleep with them).

 

I can relate. My ex husband was insecure and couldn't deal with my independence and platonic friendships with men (even gay men!). I never gave him any reason not to trust me, but he always questioned my fidelity. That get's old and annoying.

[A O]

I am just a very independent person who probably should be with someone who is also very independent.

Without doubt or someone who doesn't have the time or inclination to put a lot into a relationship. Single mothers are time-strapped, why don't you give them a shot. And since they're so used to taking care of others, therefore well capable of taking care of themselves, then that's another problem you won't have to worry about. Look for people who are as ambivalent towards relationships as you are, preferably loaded with opposite sex friends, which is good for ensuring that independence is on-going.

 

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[CarrieT]

Look for people who are as ambivalent towards relationships as you are, preferably loaded with opposite sex friends, which is good for ensuring that independence is on-going.

 

 

I take a bit of umbrage at that statement. Being independent does NOT mean ambivalence towards relationships whatsoever. There is nothing I would like more than a strong, caring and mutual relationship. There is no ambivalence in that regard but not having dating prospects whatsoever -- due to self-employment and living in a predominantly gay-centric city -- forced independence and self-sufficiency.

[carhill]

Currently seeing an 'independent' lady, I can see how such self-reliance and independence, on both sides, can affect the attraction dynamic. It's like one has to view attraction in a completely different way. This can become more complex when the man is 'atypical' as well. To a large degree, IMO, we are still driven by subconscious perspectives and perceptions.

 

OP, if you've consistently dated women who do not meet your definition of independent, what are you saying? It's your people-picker. You're choosing who you approach and who you pursue.

[calazhage]

If I want to be independent I would stay single.

 

When you bring someone into your life you have many advantages, and also some drawbacks.

 

Do independent people seem to want the best of both worlds, but at the same time never be able to have the best of both worlds? Maybe just a half ass version of both worlds?

[carhill]

OP, as you age, you're more likely to run into women who meet your written description of what 'independence' is. They've been married, had children, done all the family stuff. Dealt with divorce, sometimes death of a parent, children's mistakes, grandchildren starting to come. They have a healthy perspective of what they want with the rest of their life and how they want to share that with a man, and IME it's markedly different than when younger. It can still be intimate and very fulfilling, but it's just not the same 'joined at the hip' as during the reproductive years when everything was either an orgasm or a crisis.

 

Hope you find what you're looking for. I'm seeing plenty of it.

[Ruby Slippers]

I am pretty independent and can take care of myself, but when in a relationship, I prefer that our lives become fairly interwoven and we provide a lot of support, both practical and emotional, to each other. That just feels right to me.

 

The friends of mine who are more independent, as you described, are also more commitment-phobic. They are the friends who have had many sexual partners and get bored in relationships fast. They are also more extroverted and flirtatious in general. They don't care if their man does things without them, and in fact, it arouses the chase and keeps them hooked. But if their man bristles when they go out, take trips, etc. without them, they are turned off.

 

So, I'd say look out for more extroverted and flirtatious women, if the main quality you desire is independence.

[A O]

I take a bit of umbrage at that statement. Being independent does NOT mean ambivalence towards relationships whatsoever.

It's all relative. The OP comes across to me as a person who's willing to put a lot less into a relationship than the less independent types of the world. Someone who's willing to put less effort in than most comes across as ambivalent in my book.

 

 

I am pretty independent and can take care of myself, but when in a relationship, I prefer that our lives become fairly interwoven and we provide a lot of support, both practical and emotional, to each other. That just feels right to me.

Exactly.

 

The friends of mine who are more independent, as you described, are also more commitment-phobic.

It comes across as that way. Independent to the level the OP requires almost feels like the flip-side of needy to me. Too much of either is not a good thing - a lil bit of both - yep.

 

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[dave22]

It's all relative. The OP comes across to me as a person who's willing to put a lot less into a relationship than the less independent types of the world. Someone who's willing to put less effort in than most comes across as ambivalent in my book.

 

I don't think I am ambivalent at all. I am pretty close to my family and have many good friends as well. I put a lot of effort in to all of those relationships as I would if I could find the right person for a romantic relationship. It's just that I don't want to feel like I "need" someone or that they "need" me. It should be that we enjoy being together and don't feel the need to be with each other all the time.

[dave22]

So, I'd say look out for more extroverted and flirtatious women, if the main quality you desire is independence.

 

I am generally attracted to more extroverted types (although I am not exactly an extrovert myself). But flirtatious, no. They sometimes seem a little untrustworthy to me.