ChaMem Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 My fiance and I have had numerous problems, but after some recent positive efforts he made, I decided to arrange for a romantic Valentine's Day weekend. When I told him about my plans, he was unhappy, saying he had a study group to meet (ON A SATURDAY NIGHT!!!), but that he'd stay with me on Sunday night and we could have the romantic night then instead. He said he'd arrive at the library at 6 pm. Around 9 pm, I checked the library hours. They CLOSED at 6 pm. He called me around 945 saying he was at the library until 9. I confronted him with the hours, and he said they must have been posted wrong b/c he was there until after 9. i then called the library and got a message saying they had special hours this weekend, closing at 6. I never had proof before, only a gut feeling. Now I've got all the proof I need, and I'm so hurt. I feel like such a fool for: A) not listening to everyone here in this forum and B) giving him so many chances. Now I've got a wedding to call off ... and it didn't have to get this far.
2sunny Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 My fiance and I have had numerous problems, but after some recent positive efforts he made, I decided to arrange for a romantic Valentine's Day weekend. When I told him about my plans, he was unhappy, saying he had a study group to meet (ON A SATURDAY NIGHT!!!), but that he'd stay with me on Sunday night and we could have the romantic night then instead. He said he'd arrive at the library at 6 pm. Around 9 pm, I checked the library hours. They CLOSED at 6 pm. He called me around 945 saying he was at the library until 9. I confronted him with the hours, and he said they must have been posted wrong b/c he was there until after 9. i then called the library and got a message saying they had special hours this weekend, closing at 6. I never had proof before, only a gut feeling. Now I've got all the proof I need, and I'm so hurt. I feel like such a fool for: A) not listening to everyone here in this forum and B) giving him so many chances. Now I've got a wedding to call off ... and it didn't have to get this far. so go show up at his house and let him know he doesn't need to worry about a wedding anymore. see if he's alone. if she's there - allow her to understand what she's in for. it's only fair that she also know the truth about him. i'm glad you found out now - instead of 10- or 20 years down the road.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 What a f*8ker he is! And a liar, a betrayer, and anything else that you can think of! Dump his ass and sell the ring on Ebay, buy something special for yourself. sorry this has happened to you, but better now than a year or two from now.. it blows me away that he totally thinks that you are clueless. Rely on good friends and family to help you through this difficult time.
Author ChaMem Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 I'm blown away too. He tried to call me back and tell me to stop "thinking crazy" about him...he'd let me know if he was cheating. I don't really think I need anything clearer than tonight. Thanks for the replies. This is going to be tough.
yeyo tornapart Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 i dont kno y but as women we always shrug off our intuitions. THATS A BIG NO NO!!! because we're always right! always go with ur gut feelings. dont feel bad your not a fool when we love we resort to doing crazy things. like trying to forgive someone who doesnt need forgiveness. look at it like this at least u didn't marry him yet. listen to the signs hunny u dont want a cheating husband! Kick his trifiling a$$ to the curb!!!
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 He actually said he'd let you know if he was cheating on you? WTF. This guy has balls. Stupid balls! He did the typical gaslighting thing - Telling you you're crazy, that it's in your head, etc.. Follows a pattern and he's in total denial, believes that he can talk his way out of this.
yeyo tornapart Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 yes i agree sell that ring and treat urself lol might make u feel a little better.
2sunny Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I'm blown away too. He tried to call me back and tell me to stop "thinking crazy" about him...he'd let me know if he was cheating. I don't really think I need anything clearer than tonight. Thanks for the replies. This is going to be tough. what a dork - now he's going to make YOU the crazy one? kick his sorry, cheating a$$ to the curb NOW. call him now and tell him not to bother talking to you again. he is obviously out on a date for V-Day... ruin it all for him - and ruin it good! DO NOT allow him to treat you that way... it is just so wrong on so many levels.
Author ChaMem Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 Yeah, he def thinks I'm the crazy one. I just got a call. now the story is that i ruined his valentine's surprise and that he was out getting things for me for tomorrow; that's why he wasn't where he said he was. The surprise? Flowers. You guys, I'm seriously not nearly as stupid as he thinks I am. I told him that I know that he's lying and not to bother. trying to be tough with him, but am seriously, seriously crushed.
2sunny Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 why are you taking his calls now? don't even give him the opportunity to lie to you. and don't answer the door when he comes begging you or angry that you won't answer. all he'll do is try to convince you further that you are the crazy one. he will come running so be prepared with a plan. be sure he cannot harm you in any way. is this the same gal he knows from HS that you're thinking he's with? if it is - i don't blame you for questioning his evening... his actions haven't been showing loving behavior since she showed up in his world. he must have figured you'd play stupid just to have him. show him that you're much smarter than he gives you credit.
Author ChaMem Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 Thanks, sunny. I don't know why I'm taking his calls. I feel stupid for listening because it's clearly lies. Unfortunately, he still has some stuff at my house. We have to talk again.
2sunny Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Thanks, sunny. I don't know why I'm taking his calls. I feel stupid for listening because it's clearly lies. Unfortunately, he still has some stuff at my house. We have to talk again. no you don't. pack his stuff and tell him it's by the front door - or have his friend pick t up. or have a friend there with you you if he picks it up when it's by the front door so he doesn't attempt to hurt you.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 now the story is that i ruined his valentine's surprise and that he was out getting things for me for tomorrow; that's why he wasn't where he said he was. The surprise? Flowers. You guys, I'm seriously not nearly as stupid as he thinks I am. Whoa, what a huge surprise, flowers! Guess it takes a big lie to go get those.. He's in a fog and that's why he doesn't get it, nor will he as he's got it in his head that he's done and is doing nothing wrong. Pack up his stuff in a box or in garbage bags. When he comes by, just leave it outside the front door. No need to see him unless you absolutely have to.
phineas Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Was he growing those flowers? My STBXW did the same thing. I was crazy, she would tell me if she was cheating. ect. It's amazing how easily the lies come. Be thankful you didn't marry & have kids with this man. He thinks your stupid. but in reality he's the stupid one for thinking he can pull the wool over your eyes. I would tell your family & close friends ASAP. EXPOSE HIM. You will learn who your true friends are because they will be at your side helping you cope & pack his crap up in a box.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 wow what a douche!! I'm sure you are hurting right now but you should be happy that you found all this out now! He doesn't deserve you..and don't bother with the OW and letting her know what kind of man he is..she knows..be the better lady and walk away. You sound like a strong woman, don't let him play you for a fool! Good luck! we are all here to listen.
Dark-Farmer Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 hmmmm 3 hours to get flowers huh!? I got my girl flowers for v day. I jumped in my car drove around the corner and back, it took 10mins. Something is definitely up. ohhh yeah the flourist i went to closed at 6pm, i'd ask him what florist he went too and check the hours. Most florist aren't open till 9pm. He's obviously not very smart, sounds you could totally nail him again with the hour thing haha.
NoIDidn't Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I just got a call. now the story is that i ruined his valentine's surprise and that he was out getting things for me for tomorrow; that's why he wasn't where he said he was. The surprise? Flowers. You guys, I'm seriously not nearly as stupid as he thinks I am. Whoa, what a huge surprise, flowers! Guess it takes a big lie to go get those.. He's in a fog and that's why he doesn't get it, nor will he as he's got it in his head that he's done and is doing nothing wrong. This isn't quite on topic, but it may help the OP so I am posting it. I when I saw that it was flowers too, and that he thought it was such a huge *surprise* to do so. I'm kind of egging you on in the anger department. If he really wanted to surprise you, he should have already had those things before Saturday night, IMO. That was a pretty lame lie on his part. I'm glad that the OP is seeing through it. I'm sure its anger speaking, but sometimes anger can be oddly clarifying. I know this is probably tearing you apart because you were planning to spend your life with him, but its better to find this out before such a commitment and all the entanglements that come with it. (((ChaMem)))
1Angel Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Don't beat yourself up! Puh-lease!! Be GLAD he is getting out of your life NOW rather than after marriage and children. The flowers excuse along with library is total crap. It will hurt in short term but go no contact with him. 100% better and glad he is gone in the long term.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Now I've got a wedding to call off ... and it didn't have to get this far. Well make sure you call it off and stick to your guns. otherwise I can guarantee you that you'll be dealing with this same kind of crap after you have been married a little while. He'll want to go catting again.
misternoname Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Frankly, the biggest red flag in your post is that he was attending a study group. IMHO people still in school really shouldn't be engaged and certainly not married. I'm speaking from experience. I married my now ex wife my senior year of college. We were high school sweethearts. We were married a long time but during the course of our marriage she had numerous affairs. I think a big contributing factor to our downfall was that we were not mature enough to handle marriage at such a young age. Neither of us got to sow our wild oats (well...technically she did!). Neither of us had an opportunity to grow up and experience life without the distractions of being married, raising kids, etc. Too much too soon. College aged kids...listen to this "old" man...DO NOT GET MARRIED until you are done with your education, started a career and experienced a little of life's ups and downs on your own. You'll greatly improve your chances of enjoying an adult relationship with your future spouse. Trust me...I know oh so well :-(
redtail Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 etc... College aged kids...listen to this "old" man...DO NOT GET MARRIED until you are done with your education, started a career and experienced a little of life's ups and downs on your own. You'll greatly improve your chances of enjoying an adult relationship with your future spouse. Trust me...I know oh so well :-( I totally agree mister, wish I would have had this advise 34 years ago...
Author ChaMem Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 I wish I could use foolish youth as a reason for his stupidity, but he's 28. He's finishing up his master's degree, and he already works full time. He was married once before (at age 18), so he learned that "too young" lesson back then. So I wonder what his excuse is at this point. I guess it doesn't matter, really. Since Saturday, he's tried to talk to me about it, but I just won't do it. I'm disgusted, and I'm just done. He maintains his innocence but apologizes for "conducting the relationship in such a way that would ever jump to such conclusions about him." He says this incident makes him realize he needs to become a better man in this relationship. The manipulation worked ... for a long time. I'm just not buying it now.
misternoname Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Even a BIGGER red flag...having been married at 18 and since divorced you would think he would know better than to try and pull off this crap on you. Sounds to me like he hasn't grown up. Hell, I've known people wise beyond their years in their 20's and I've met folks in their 40's and 50's that still act like juveniles. Run away while you can...this one may never change.
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