furbaby Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 i just want to vent. my ex and i broke up 5 months ago. we dated for 3 months, and everything was wonderful and passionate, but suddenly he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore. it really was a strange shock. i believe that there's more behind it than that. for one thing, he's only been in one other relationship, and he was dumped after five years because his ex-girlfriend "wasn't attracted to him anymore." i think he was afraid of getting hurt, and he was trying to protect himself. i know he was traumatized by that breakup. a week before he broke up with me, he said, "sometimes i feel like we should just break up now, before we start to fall in love and get hurt." we had had a few bumpy moments, because he had moved and started a stressful job, and i had lost my job, but i felt that there was nothing that we couldn't handle. for whatever reason, his feelings changed. for the record, there is not another woman in the picture. when we broke up, he wanted to remain friends. he wanted us to continue to hold hands and sleep in the same bed. that didn't last long, and i put a stop to that because i felt like he was sending me mixed signals. he wasn't attracted to me, yet he wanted to hold my hand when we were in public, and cuddle me and hold me at night? i wanted to try to be friends. i knew it was silly, because i still had feelings for him, but i thought maybe i could do it. when we were in a relationship, we texted everyday, talked maybe every other day, and saw each other twice a week. after about a month of the just-friends thing, communication from him began to intensify. he started to call me everyday. then two times a day. sometimes three times a day, and then also at least two emails from him everyday and one or two texts. he would call me to ask about my day, and he would tell me about his. we would tell each other everything, and talk about things that we talked about with no one else. we would support each other and make each other laugh when we were depressed, and we never ran out of things to say. we talked on average an hour everyday. i loved talking to him and i became closer to him than i've been to anyone in my life. i never met anyone who understood me so well, and he continuously went out of his way to be sweet and caring. we began hanging out two or three times a week. we didn't have sex. he didn't want to hear about anyone i might have been dating. he would say things like, "you're the most important thing in the world to me". i would catch him staring at me and just smiling. he would tell me i'm cute or pretty. he would always sit close to me wherever we were. he complimented me constantly to mutual friends, and they would tease me about how devoted he was to me, and how much he seemed to admire everything i did and said. he would insist on paying for every meal when we went out, and he started buying me presents and doing little things to take care of me. i didn't know what to think. everything came to a head last week when he asked me to go on vacation with him in june. five months away, just the two of us, and he would help pay for my ticket. he wasn't saying that he wanted to be with me, but he was sending me such mixed signals, i couldn't take it. last night we finally talked. i told him i still had feelings for him. he seemed to retreat into himself and he adamantly stated that he didn't have feelings for me, and that he was not attracted to me. he said that he believes that we're soul mates, but he isn't sexually attracted to me and he never wants a relationship with me again. i could understand if he had never been attracted to me at all, or if i had done something to make him like me less. but for the three months we were together, we had sex everytime we saw each other, and he seemed obsessed with me and my body. and if i did something to make him stop liking me, why has he been calling me twice a day for the past three months? i pulled up the call log on my cellphone and counted how many times he has called me since february 1st. it was 32 times. i had called him 6 times. he didn't know how to explain this behavior, or the vacation he wanted to plan, or the jealousy over other guys. he continued to say that he just saw me as a friend. we talked and we knew that our friendship would have to change. i knew in my heart that i could no longer be his friend. i know that's not what he wants, but i have to look out for myself. i feel really sad. he is my kindred spirit. i'm 30 and i've been in a number of relationships, and i've never been with someone who was so compatible with me on so many levels. i feel like we share a mind and a heart. he has made me a better, happier person. he encourages me to exercise more, drink less. we go to the coffee shop and write together (we're both working on novels), and he has never shared any speck of his writing with anyone but me. we volunteer together. he makes me see the good in people, and i soothe him when he is feeling depressed. i accept and support him and believe in him unconditionally. he does the same for me. we take care of each other. i love him, but he doesn't love me. i know that he would do anything for me, but i want more than friendship with him, so this cannot be anymore. he called me a cab home from his house last night at 12:30. he paid for me to go home. right before it came i told him i couldn't be his friend anymore. no more phone calls or emails or hanging out. i told him that i think he is an amazing person, and this hurts me so much, but it's what's best for me in the long run. he cried, but he accepted it. i'm heart-broken. i'm committed to no contact, because i know i will be happier this way than torturing myself with this "friends" business. i have to move on. it's just been so strange and confusing and ultimately unfair. he's so mixed up, and i don't think he even understands how he feels. whether things change for us in the future or not, i really do hope that he realizes his mistake. and i now that i'm gone from his life, i hope that he'll be able to see the huge hole that i'm leaving.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I'm so sorry for your pain. It hurts when you love someone and they don't love you back in the same way. It's obvious he cares about you, alot, but not on a romantic relationship level... The sex was just sex.. To you it was more, but to him it was just sex. It meant something to him, but not in the same way it meant to you.. Somehow men can separate sex and love, intimacy, and not let feelings get in the way. don't know how they do that.. Anyway, just know that you will heal from this, as much it hurts to lose such a kindred spirit, it's worse to have him in your daily life, as "just" a friend when you want more. Cry and grieve the loss, ask for support from your other friends, family. Hope you feel better soon.
Author furbaby Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 The sex was just sex.. To you it was more, but to him it was just sex. It meant something to him, but not in the same way it meant to you.. Somehow men can separate sex and love, intimacy, and not let feelings get in the way. don't know how they do that.. that's just what i don't understand. he is the most emotional guy i've ever met, and the sex seemed very emotional for both of us. and when we were dating, he was the one who wanted to take things to the next level and become serious. he was just crazy about me, and then suddenly he "stopped feeling attracted to me". he told me that he still had feelings for me, but that he didn't want to have sex with me, because he knew he wasn't ready for a relationship and he didn't want to complicate things. he still wanted to kiss me and sleep with me, but he drew the line at sex. i guess i feel like if you're really not attracted to someone, you shouldn't have to be forcing yourself not to be affectionate with them. and then, after all of that, he proceeded to call me everyday for the past 5 months. i don't think he's being totally honest with himself about his feelings, because i think he's afraid. but there's nothing i can do about it, and that's his problem. but really, it doesn't matter. it's frustrating! and it feels good to vent. but what matters is that i know exactly how he feels now, and i'm moving on. it's sad, but i know i'll be happier this way.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 It's going to hurt for a long time.. You gave him your heart and he hurt you deeply. He has issues, insecurities, fears.. He's letting HIS past hurts dictate the present and future.. He's given up you, and for that, I believe one day he'll regret it. You were there and know him well, so chances are, what you feel is right. He does love you, was attracted to you, but couldn't handle it. Didn't want to allow himself to fall deeper, to become emotionally attached.
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