why do females pursue men who they know are committed to someone else???

[Virgo1982]

But during an A when a BW or BH doesn't know what's going on behind their back, they are not ACCEPTING crumbs. There's a HUGE difference between KNOWING you're getting crumbs and willingly taking them and being duped by a WS.

 

Exactly, and that's why these people cheat. Because they committ the major offense against that person and still they stay. They cheat because there isn't a huge risk. How many people do you see telling OW "he will never leave his W for you!!!" Well, suprise, surprise, she hasn't left him either. We're not talking about these characters who slip one night or something like that. We're talking about affairs that last for years.

[stella79]

Hi, I'm new here and I must confess...I am having an affair with a MM..I didn't pursue him. My self esteem is just fine..We formed a friendship and fell in love. I am independant and can support myself, I think some men find that attractive..He's attracted to me because I'm everything his wife is not..

I didn't think I would ever get involved with a MM, but he swept me off my feet. I like the fact that he doesn"t live with me, has his own stuff going on.. When we find time for each other, it's amazing. I don't ask or interfere in his marriage..it has nothing to do with me. I don't expect him to leave his family, nor would I ever ask him to.

So, really, is it worth it? Probably not..but I can stop.. Thanks for allowing me to share...S

[9Lives]

Hi, I'm new here and I must confess...I am having an affair with a MM..I didn't pursue him. My self esteem is just fine..We formed a friendship and fell in love. I am independant and can support myself, I think some men find that attractive..He's attracted to me because I'm everything his wife is not..

I didn't think I would ever get involved with a MM, but he swept me off my feet. I like the fact that he doesn"t live with me, has his own stuff going on.. When we find time for each other, it's amazing. I don't ask or interfere in his marriage..it has nothing to do with me. I don't expect him to leave his family, nor would I ever ask him to.

So, really, is it worth it? Probably not..but I can stop.. Thanks for allowing me to share...S

 

I bet Mr Wonderful wont like it if the w did the same thing to him. I bet this "little" relationship would not be that important to his a/ss then. So cute!

[bittersweet memories]

Hi, I'm new here and I must confess...I am having an affair with a MM..I didn't pursue him. My self esteem is just fine..We formed a friendship and fell in love. I am independant and can support myself, I think some men find that attractive..He's attracted to me because I'm everything his wife is not..

I didn't think I would ever get involved with a MM, but he swept me off my feet. I like the fact that he doesn"t live with me, has his own stuff going on.. When we find time for each other, it's amazing. I don't ask or interfere in his marriage..it has nothing to do with me. I don't expect him to leave his family, nor would I ever ask him to.

So, really, is it worth it? Probably not..but I can stop.. Thanks for allowing me to share...S

 

Please do tell...What is "everything" that she's not? Give some examples...

[JackJack]

Hi, I'm new here and I must confess...I am having an affair with a MM..I didn't pursue him. My self esteem is just fine..We formed a friendship and fell in love. I am independant and can support myself, I think some men find that attractive..He's attracted to me because I'm everything his wife is not..

I didn't think I would ever get involved with a MM, but he swept me off my feet. I like the fact that he doesn"t live with me, has his own stuff going on.. When we find time for each other, it's amazing. I don't ask or interfere in his marriage..it has nothing to do with me. I don't expect him to leave his family, nor would I ever ask him to.

So, really, is it worth it? Probably not..but I can stop.. Thanks for allowing me to share...S

 

If you have no problem playing second fiddle to his wife, and have no problem getting another womans leftovers, then good for you.

 

BTW, if he can cheat WITH you, he can cheat ON you.

[stella79]

You guys sure jumped all over that.. I don't doubt he would be upset if his wife was having an affair.. ok bittersweet..lets see..I guess I'm different.. His wife (so he says)..is moody, no sex drive, makes him feel bad about himself, doesn't look after herself, low-self esteem..For all I know, she could be an amazing woman..this is why I don't want to learn anything about her..sorry if I offended anyone..S

[stella79]

Hey Jack Jack..It's not that I enjoy playing second fiddle..I would prefer it if he wasn't married..but, the single men out there frustrate me..Anyways...I know it's wrong, so give me a break for trying to justify my feelings for an unavailable man.. I would rather have him part time, than settle for a full time a#%hole...

[9Lives]

Hey Jack Jack..It's not that I enjoy playing second fiddle..I would prefer it if he wasn't married..but, the single men out there frustrate me..Anyways...I know it's wrong, so give me a break for trying to justify my feelings for an unavailable man.. I would rather have him part time, than settle for a full time a#%hole...

 

oh Stella!!! you just jumped into the frying pan...this is not the answer to the hum drums of the single lifestyle. Wrong Turn!! He is blocking your better future. Now its all good...later when you are emotionallly all involved you will be broke down somewhere kicking yourself for settling...trust me...I know!!

[stella79]

9lives..why are so upset?.. Did your husband cheat on you?

I'm not an airhead..I know he's lying about how "horrible" his wife is, I'm not stupid!!..divorce is complicated..some men just choose to stick it out for the kids..Wow..I guess I was just trying to let people know that not all single women chase married men..and it sucks falling for a MM when you least expect it..

[stella79]

Ok 9lives.. I hear what you are saying..I do feel like he's holding me back sometimes...more like all the time..I know the answers...just don't want to admit it to myself..I really do appreciate your honesty..I came to a forum because no one in my personal life knows of the A...and I can only imagine what they would say!!..F--k.. its really hard..and believe me I know better...

[9Lives]

Ok 9lives.. I hear what you are saying..I do feel like he's holding me back sometimes...more like all the time..I know the answers...just don't want to admit it to myself..I really do appreciate your honesty..I came to a forum because no one in my personal life knows of the A...and I can only imagine what they would say!!..F--k.. its really hard..and believe me I know better...

 

im not angry at all. You have to be careful and not just run with the romantic side of this bull. I was with one so I know it goes. He was good to me at first but I wasnt woman enough to put him in his place. You have to think. YOU...he a man who cheats..YOU HAVE to think and dont get sucked all in...it is flip anytime.

[stella79]

Hi again..It is so exciting right now..But, part of me is waiting for him to end it..and believe me, I would much rather be the one ending it with him..I take it things didn"t end well for you 9lives? I guess he's the one cheating and lying to his w...while I sit at home thinking he's so wonderful and we could have a future..damn.. he sure has a way about him..Thanks for the advice..S

[9Lives]

Hi again..It is so exciting right now..But, part of me is waiting for him to end it..and believe me, I would much rather be the one ending it with him..I take it things didn"t end well for you 9lives? I guess he's the one cheating and lying to his w...while I sit at home thinking he's so wonderful and we could have a future..damn.. he sure has a way about him..Thanks for the advice..S

 

I made alot of mistakes and i may have drove him away. he was good to me at first...very good but then mr wonderful left and the real man entered the relationship. I was so caught up in the wonderful side that I could deal with his true nature. He is very selfish.

 

I learned, you have to look out for you. Keep in mind his way of handling things cause this is how he does it....he cheats when the going gets rough. Trust me...there is another side to him.

 

Dont let him be your only thing going. Dont expect him to leave. Dont make him first.

 

I dont know why I am telling you this. You are not going to listen anyway. Nobody does. Married men put spells on single and then bam!! her comes the waterfall. I will be here for support

[fooled once]

WHY do some OW have to start with the name calling? WHY?

 

Why can't people be WOMEN? Why do some posters have to start with the attacks on a BS in the INFIDELITY forum? Why? Does it make her feel better? Does it make her feel more superior? WHY?

 

It is NO WONDER why there are so many issues with females in this world - the constant "I can top you" stuff or "the wife should be taking care of her man better or I wouldn't be needed" crap. It is really disgusting.

 

Never ceases to amaze me how some come on here just to pick fight All they do is try to tell others how they feel, as in, they are lying or telling a different story.

 

Also, I would think the person who LIVED the experience would KNOW their experience.

 

there are PLENTY of OW on here who have ADMITTED to pursing ONLY married men.

 

So it isn't just the MM pursuing the OW. Goes both ways.

 

Addtionally, since some can't help but bash the BS, before bashing her, how about wonder if she even KNOWS the pig she married is cheating? Does she know? or is this just yet another OW justification for her behavior, right along side with the old stand by "I didn't marry her, he did'

 

That's right - HE MARRIED HER and for the most part, he CHOOSES her, no matter how strong the OW thinks her pull is, her charm is, her allure is or how great her sex with him is. IF she was THAT good, WHY is he staying with the wife? Oh --- because of the kids? Or not wanting to lose his money?

 

Love conquers all right? Can't have it both ways.

 

I guess a BS is screwed no matter what -- she is either stupid for staying with the cheater, stupid for not seeing the signs and stupid for not keeping her man happy...... yet when he doesn't 'pick' the OW, she isn't stupid for hanging in there for YEARS, she isn't stupid for believing she was the love of his life and she isn't stupid for believing his lies

 

If YOU (general you) are happy being the OW, great. Just please don't shove it down the throats of the rest of us, please don't try to tell other women who are thinking of getting involved with a MM that it is all roses and sunshine and PLEASE stop bashing the BS. If she is such a horrible person, why does the man you are screwing stay married to her? If she is such a horrible wife, why won't he PICK YOU????

 

This is so frustrating here -- the constant need of certain posters to twist things, to enjoy the hurt the BW feels, to belittle them, and to strut their stuff as the OW.

 

Enough already.... geez

 

Some OW just want to be the OW - they don't want a open, public monogamous relationship with the MM.

 

Some OW get caught up in the thrill of it all and then find themselves crushed when the affair is discovered and the MM stays married.

 

Some OW are content to live year after year after year being the OW and will accept that, if that is all they can have.

 

Some OW want the whole shebang - they want the man, the life, the future.

 

But why oh why does the bashing of the BS immediatley start when a poster is seeing honest answers, asking a question or whatever?

[fooled once]

As for Mizfit, I personally have read on here where she struggled with her decisions. She isn't lying, she isn't pretending she is in a fantastic 1-1 relationship. She is aware of what she is doing and while many don't agree with HER decision, it is just that, HER decision.

 

She knows heartache and she has felt it. But if SHE chooses to continue this relationship, that is her choice.

 

When/If it ends, she will grieve it, mourn, cry and then pick herself back up and move on with life. She seems like a very level headed individual and she isn't an "in your face" OW nor does she take pleasure in bashing the man she is having an affair with's wife. She doesn't minimize her, she doesn't imply the wife can't keep her man happy, etc.

 

Respect the fact that MizFit has made a decision that is best for her and she is full aware of her actions. I commend her honesty, her willingness to discuss things, and her ability to say "hmm....I hadn't thought of it that way" to something. She isn't quick to judge and she would probably appreciate that others treat her that way. (I don't mean to speak for you MF, I just was at some of the posts directed at you).

[fooled once]

Hi again..It is so exciting right now..But, part of me is waiting for him to end it..and believe me, I would much rather be the one ending it with him..I take it things didn"t end well for you 9lives? I guess he's the one cheating and lying to his w...while I sit at home thinking he's so wonderful and we could have a future..damn.. he sure has a way about him..Thanks for the advice..S

 

So end it? I am confused.

 

And of course it is exciting -- forbidden fruit and all. He is married, you have to sneak around, the time you spend is usually rushed or has a set deadline, and you feel all special and sparkly He gets to complain about his meanie of a wife, and you get to feel like the super sexy woman who he turns to and you can comfort him and give him all that stuff his wife doesn't.

 

I get it.

 

But .... why are you waiting for him to end it? Why don't you? The longer you stay involved, the MORE it is going to hurt in the end!

[MizFit]

As for Mizfit, I personally have read on here where she struggled with her decisions. She isn't lying, she isn't pretending she is in a fantastic 1-1 relationship. She is aware of what she is doing and while many don't agree with HER decision, it is just that, HER decision.

 

She knows heartache and she has felt it. But if SHE chooses to continue this relationship, that is her choice.

 

When/If it ends, she will grieve it, mourn, cry and then pick herself back up and move on with life. She seems like a very level headed individual and she isn't an "in your face" OW nor does she take pleasure in bashing the man she is having an affair with's wife. She doesn't minimize her, she doesn't imply the wife can't keep her man happy, etc.

 

Respect the fact that MizFit has made a decision that is best for her and she is full aware of her actions. I commend her honesty, her willingness to discuss things, and her ability to say "hmm....I hadn't thought of it that way" to something. She isn't quick to judge and she would probably appreciate that others treat her that way. (I don't mean to speak for you MF, I just was at some of the posts directed at you).

 

Thank you Fooled Once...I appreciate that. You are right...I have no misconceptions, but my A started and has been going very differently to most. My MM has never lied to me about what he wants and what he will do when caught...twice now he's been caught and he's held true to his word. His actions speak louder than the words because he's always said he would go away when caught and he's back a third time. I can only go on his word though...he will do all he can to go home. I can't pretend to truly understand his circumstances, but he has always been honest with me and he has never thrown me under the bus. I don't like how he treats his W, but that's between them.

 

I would much prefer to have him in my life fulltime, but he isn't and that's the reality. I can sit around and moan about it or I can fill my life and enjoy his company when I can...I had a few moments when I let him consume me, but for the most part it is what it is and neither of us pretend it's more or less.

 

I agree as well about the name calling, but I will note it's not specific to this section. Many BS come onto the OW section and absolutely berate women who are there for help and support...sometimes tough love is needed, but sometimes what is said is absolutely cruel. Having said that it's the same here.

 

One last thing...I do listen to what is said to myself and others. I may not agree with it, but I feel there are lessons and words of wisdom that can be pulled from everywhere...sometimes you use them, sometimes you store them, sometimes you see their sense and discard them, but you should always consider them.

 

Thanks again FO and I'm pleased that someone sees my POV as something that is mine and something I will defend, but I certainly don't expect everyone to accept.

 

Sorry... a little thread jacking there!

[bittersweet memories]

 

One last thing...I do listen to what is said to myself and others. I may not agree with it, but I feel there are lessons and words of wisdom that can be pulled from everywhere...sometimes you use them, sometimes you store them, sometimes you see their sense and discard them, but you should always consider them.

 

 

Absolutely...same here.

[stella79]

Hi fooledonce..I really wasn't bashing his W..I personally don't ask him about her. Its a bad situation and unless you have experienced dating a married man, then you don't know how it feels. The ups and the downs. I dont flaunt my relationship with him..why would I, this is a foum..just being honest. I have kept my relationship a secret..

What I like about this relationship is, we don't fight. we have limited time together..no time to have major disagreements. He gives me space and treats me with respect..I really do feel sorry for his wife..thats why I never ask about her.

I have been married before and It was hell..people fall out of love..neither of us cheated. we just couldn't stand each other..I guess if my husband had cheated on me I would have taken the opportunity to leave him..it would have been much easier....Am I even making sense?? Anyways..you guys are sure a hard crowd to please..and yes.. I know my relationship won't last..I am wasting my time with someone that isn't available to me. I have to keep telling myself I can do better...it's pretty hard when you think you met your "soul mate"... and he just happens to be married..

[MizFit]

Hi fooledonce..I really wasn't bashing his W..I personally don't ask him about her. Its a bad situation and unless you have experienced dating a married man, then you don't know how it feels. The ups and the downs. I dont flaunt my relationship with him..why would I, this is a foum..just being honest. I have kept my relationship a secret..

What I like about this relationship is, we don't fight. we have limited time together..no time to have major disagreements. He gives me space and treats me with respect..I really do feel sorry for his wife..thats why I never ask about her.

I have been married before and It was hell..people fall out of love..neither of us cheated. we just couldn't stand each other..I guess if my husband had cheated on me I would have taken the opportunity to leave him..it would have been much easier....Am I even making sense?? Anyways..you guys are sure a hard crowd to please..and yes.. I know my relationship won't last..I am wasting my time with someone that isn't available to me. I have to keep telling myself I can do better...it's pretty hard when you think you met your "soul mate"... and he just happens to be married..

 

Stella...as an OW I'm going to give you some advice. You came across in your first post as accepting the relationship you had and being happy to live it. As your posts have gone on you have increasingly shown that you are in over your head and the emotions are taking over...you have a few choices now. Reel yourself back in and accept what you have with him and fill the rest of your life...you need to keep balance if you're going to do this. He can not be a priority...you must remain that. Or you can allow the emotions to overcome you and you'll be a bowl of mush for years and even worse when, and if, the worst comes. Or you can end it now because you know you're headed to the bowl of mush stage.

 

As 9Lives said...she'll be here to support you...we all will. Just assess what you're doing and think long and hard about what people say to you.

 

Sorry...once again a bit off topic...

[stella79]

Thanks Mizfit..I am in over my head..I just never had reality thrown in my face like this..I thought I was happy..but I guess when it all comes down to it, I am confused and afraid of having my heart broken.. Thanks for all the support..I'm a bit delicate! xo S

[MizFit]

Thanks Mizfit..I am in over my head..I just never had reality thrown in my face like this..I thought I was happy..but I guess when it all comes down to it, I am confused and afraid of having my heart broken.. Thanks for all the support..I'm a bit delicate! xo S

 

We all need support at different times...it's easy to get in over your head and very difficult to control how you feel about things.

 

Look at the Other Woman section as well...there are a lot of people in the same situation and they will be invaluable. Come here to get the perspective of the BS so you can be aware of what is going on at the other end of the A.

 

Take care of yourself and lean on everyone here.

[OWoman]

And, once again, IMO, anyone who accepts this kind of arrangement while wishing it to be otherwise has self esteem issues.

 

Sad stuff.

 

Some of us did not "wish it to be otherwise". It was exactly what suited us. I relished kicking my lovers out when I was done with them, going home to my own space with just my life, my kids, and any friends who happened to drop by. I did not want anyone's claims over my time, my attention, my space, my life, my freedom. It was a choice - not a lack of opportunity. Any old person can be M - you just have to stop saying no. It's the easy option, the default. Being an OW is only a "second best" option, or a sign of low self esteem IF it's not really what you want, and you're settling for it - same as many people settle for being M when what they really want is something else. Otherwise it's an active choice made by people with options, who could be M if they wanted but choose not to because they don't.

[OWoman]

Once again, this is NOT all about your type of relationship.

 

The thread is about "females who pursue men they know are committed to someone else'. As one of the few OWs on the board who this applies to, I'd say it was very much about "my type of relationship".

[bittersweet memories]

The thread is about "females who pursue men they know are committed to someone else'. As one of the few OWs on the board who this applies to, I'd say it was very much about "my type of relationship".

 

So answer the question if that is the case, why do females pursue men who they know are committed to someone else???