why do females pursue men who they know are committed to someone else???

[9Lives]

You've justified it for me...I did none of those things. At any point I would have been happy to tell his W about the affair. My relationship has always been with him and he is the one I interact with...his actions have absolutely been covered in what you've written, but mine haven't.

 

When he and I spend time away I take photos and put them on FB. He is aware of them and the fact she is a friend of a friend so can go in and look at them as she wishes. When she confronted me and asked me questions I told her the truth...when she didn't believe me I offered emails and sent them to her to fill in the blanks.

 

Anything I've hidden was at the request of the person cheating...

 

mizfit, you shouldnt be so wrong and strong! its one thing to be a part of the process, it another to act like it really aint no big deal.

 

Karma is a mutha....wait and see. Im not putting you down. Im just saying you are at a dangerous place.

[jennie-jennie]

I think you are right. I am a ex ow and I was starved for love and had low self esteem. I had a warp sense of itimacy. It all true. YOU CANT LOVE YOURSELF..REALLY....AND BE WITH A MARRIED MAN. Reality is going to slap you in the face...YOU AINT FIRST

 

OK so that is YOUR reality. Not mine however.

[9Lives]

OK so that is YOUR reality. Not mine however.

 

Jennie, you are in denial.

[MizFit]

[/b]

 

no they freaking dont!! some women will except crumbs and stuff from him that they wouldnt accept from a single guy. Im telling you. My so called friend will not ask her mm for a thing cause she is scared he will stop coming around. I cant deal with her anymore

 

Then you shouldn't deal with her anymore and she should buck up and stop accepting being treated like that.

 

I'm giving my experiences and perspective from the pov of a single woman with single friends...I've not known one who has pursued a married man and married men are out and about in abundance doing 99% of the pursuing I'm privvy to.

[ladydesigner]

to the OP, the OW is either love-starved, has low self esteem or both. Sometimes they suffer from a disorder, be it bi-polar or narcissistic or have addictions like love or sex or even drugs. Some are sexual abuse survivors and have a warped since of intimacy.

 

While some of this may be true, I disagree that this applies to every OW. I am a MOW and I wouldn't say that I was love-starved or had low self-esteem. I actually felt more like I was undermined by my husband. My self-esteem was considered pretty high. I am very attractive, intelligent, successful, loving mother, compassionate, I could go on and on. I am though a sex abuse survivor, now while I do not think that contributed to me having an A, it did contribute to some of the intimacy issue in my own M which led to my husband having an A to which I embarked on a revenge affair.

 

I never in my wildest dreams would have ever thought of having an A... until it happened. Never say never everyone's situation is completely different.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie, you are in denial.

 

You don't know what you are talking about.

[MizFit]

mizfit, you shouldnt be so wrong and strong! its one thing to be a part of the process, it another to act like it really aint no big deal.

 

Karma is a mutha....wait and see. Im not putting you down. Im just saying you are at a dangerous place.

 

Why am I wrong? You're making it sound as though I'm saying it 'aint no big deal'...it is a big deal, but it is him doing the cheating and not me. I am living my life and I've put into place what I will and will not accept...I'm not particularly fussed about what you think of me. I was a BS 20 years ago and I never once blamed the OW...it was my husband that went outside the marriage, who he did it with was completely irrelevent. If I felt that as the BS why would I not feel that as the OW?

 

Go to the OW section and look at the thread on Karma...I don't believe in it. I've had enough happen well before I met MM that I'd have to believe it was seeking me out in advance. What happens in life happens...enough horrible people have marvelous lives...even more wonderful people have horrible lives. Karma is just another word or thought for coincidence.

[9Lives]

Then you shouldn't deal with her anymore and she should buck up and stop accepting being treated like that.

 

I'm giving my experiences and perspective from the pov of a single woman with single friends...I've not known one who has pursued a married man and married men are out and about in abundance doing 99% of the pursuing I'm privvy to.

 

Yup. i went to a superbowl party with my girlfriend and the mm who was the man of the house..felt on my breast on purpose on the sly while his wife was in the other room. I was like dammm!!

[ladydesigner]

Yup. i went to a superbowl party with my girlfriend and the mm who was the man of the house..felt on my breast on purpose on the sly while his wife was in the other room. I was like dammm!!

 

Eeewww that would be borderline molestation from my POV:sick:

[MizFit]

I have to second that motion. I have seen too many statements about the wish for the MM to leave the wife in that triangle.

 

Settling. It's not good for you.

 

If Jennie is at peace with where she is...if she has someone who meets her emotional needs...if she has made the decision to love a man who treats her well then how is that settling? I dated a doctor for a year and I spend more time with my MM than I ever did the doctor...he is more emotionally available than someone who was married to his work. If I'd married him for status and money then I'd have been settling.

 

You can hope the MM leaves his wife, but still have a good life. I'm proof of it...I'd love him to leave, but he won't so I live my life just as he's living his. Does that mean I'm settling...nope.

 

I'm obviously not answering for Jennie, but am putting some of my thoughts forward.

[ladydesigner]

enough horrible people have marvelous lives...even more wonderful people have horrible lives. Karma is just another word or thought for coincidence.

 

brilliant!!!!

[9Lives]

Why am I wrong? You're making it sound as though I'm saying it 'aint no big deal'...it is a big deal, but it is him doing the cheating and not me. I am living my life and I've put into place what I will and will not accept...I'm not particularly fussed about what you think of me. I was a BS 20 years ago and I never once blamed the OW...it was my husband that went outside the marriage, who he did it with was completely irrelevent. If I felt that as the BS why would I not feel that as the OW?

 

Go to the OW section and look at the thread on Karma...I don't believe in it. I've had enough happen well before I met MM that I'd have to believe it was seeking me out in advance. What happens in life happens...enough horrible people have marvelous lives...even more wonderful people have horrible lives. Karma is just another word or thought for coincidence.

 

mizfit, im not trying to judge you. All I am saying is messing with a mm or mw is wrong period and we SHOULD have a conscious about it. I have done it myself. As you get older you REALIZE things. You hopefully become wiser and change how you do things. Cheating sucks!! The ow is getting cheated out of her time and the opportunity to be treated with the respect every woman should have. I have friends who cry and feel sad cause Valentines day...where is he.....Christmas...new years...or whatever...He cant put you first.

 

You are grown..nobody can tell you want to do...but call a spade a spade. Dont get it twisted regardless of whether you do it or not. cheating is wrong!!

[9Lives]

bottom line...the mm/wm wins. he gets to go from bed to bed. The ow is happy to get crumbs and the wife is happy he is home with his cheating a/ss. But hey when the table are turned,,,that when the fun ends.

[MizFit]

mizfit, im not trying to judge you. All I am saying is messing with a mm or mw is wrong period and we SHOULD have a conscious about it. I have done it myself. As you get older you REALIZE things. You hopefully become wiser and change how you do things. Cheating sucks!! The ow is getting cheated out of her time and the opportunity to be treated with the respect every woman should have. I have friends who cry and feel sad cause Valentines day...where is he.....Christmas...new years...or whatever...He cant put you first.

 

You are grown..nobody can tell you want to do...but call a spade a spade. Dont get it twisted regardless of whether you do it or not. cheating is wrong!!

 

This is where we disagree...I do have a conscience. I think what my ex did to me is as wrong as what my MM is doing to his wife, but they each are the ones committing the offense. In my viewpoint the OW is irrelevent...I am older 9Lives...I'm 47...I was a BS and I went up until last year never having the slightest interest in any married man. Then I met one I fell in love with...love is hard to find. He made himself available to me and I took the decision to start a relationship with him. I would much prefer that he were free and clear, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to keep him as part of my life until I decide not to...or until he decides not to be part of mine.

 

I know how it hurts to be the BS...it hurts because of the acts of your WS. That is my reality as both the BS and the OW...I realize that is not everyone's perspective, but it is mine. This does not mean I've spent a life wantonly destroying marriages. As I've just said I haven't. Before MM and I became close I spent hours in person and on emails telling him to stay in his marriage and fix it...he made the decision not to.

 

I appreciate your concern and of course you're judging me...we're human, we all judge each other. I do know you're doing it with any malicious intent any more than I do...we all come from different places and live our lives differently.

[MizFit]

bottom line...the mm/wm wins. he gets to go from bed to bed. The ow is happy to get crumbs and the wife is happy he is home with his cheating a/ss. But hey when the table are turned,,,that when the fun ends.

 

What you're not seeing here is that some OW don't get crumbs. Some OW are treated well and have a bond with the WS that equals or eclipses anything they've had before.

 

During the A the W is getting the crumbs because she is in the dark...when the tables are turned and the OW has allowed the A to consume her, you are absolutely right, it has to be hell. The MM is definitely the winner...

[MizFit]

Because she clearly has wants, as she has stated them herself, which will not be met by this man.

 

Settling.

 

Everyone has wants in relationships, but that doesn't mean you're settling. Sometimes settling is part of compromise. Sometimes people may just settle because they think the partner is worth waiting for...sometimes it doesn't work out and they unsettle themselves and move on. Settling isn't necessarily a permanent thing...it's as transient as emotions and situations make it.

[MizFit]

But during an A when a BW or BH doesn't know what's going on behind their back, they are not ACCEPTING crumbs. There's a HUGE difference between KNOWING you're getting crumbs and willingly taking them and being duped by a WS.

 

Alright...then say they're being FED crumbs. As I said in my original post an OW only gets crumbs if she accepts them. I absolutely agree the WS is being duped...see my posts, I'm not disagreeing with you.

[MizFit]

Wishing your man or woman weren't spending their actual life with someone else is a FAR cry from wishing your man would take out the garbage on time or wishing your woman would wash the dishes.

 

And how many people get caught up in 'he doesn't make enough money'...'she's gained a load of weight I wish she'd lose'...'he's at the pub with his mates all the time and never helps at home'...'she's always at work and I'm tired of takeaways on my own'...we all settle if we choose to. Not everything is as trivial as dishes and rubbish. Everyone settles and compromises until they don't.

[jennie-jennie]

If Jennie is at peace with where she is...if she has someone who meets her emotional needs...if she has made the decision to love a man who treats her well then how is that settling? I dated a doctor for a year and I spend more time with my MM than I ever did the doctor...he is more emotionally available than someone who was married to his work. If I'd married him for status and money then I'd have been settling.

 

You can hope the MM leaves his wife, but still have a good life. I'm proof of it...I'd love him to leave, but he won't so I live my life just as he's living his. Does that mean I'm settling...nope.

 

I'm obviously not answering for Jennie, but am putting some of my thoughts forward.

 

Great post. You understand where I am at.

[MizFit]

And let's be clear - I'm not JUST talking about OW here. OW/OM. Either who accepts the crumbs (meaning they are the ones KNOWINGLY taking crumbs from a cheater) are, I feel, lacking in self esteem.

 

Married people being cheated on who don't know what's going on - how can you say this is because of a low self esteem? A lack of self worth?

 

First of all I respect your opinion that it's a self esteem issue, but that's a sweeping generalization and it's an opinion. We all have opinions and they're based on our experiences, those we know, and what we see around us. None are right and none are wrong, but they all deserve respect.

 

I never said a BS lacks self esteem or self worth...I'm saying that an OW (and OM) aren't always lacking in them either.

[jennie-jennie]

Because she clearly has wants, as she has stated them herself, which will not be met by this man.

 

Settling.

 

And your spouse/significant other satisfies ALL your wants? Wow, he must be Superman.

[MizFit]

Sorry, but I can't think of ANYTHING that is as HUGE as watching your man or woman go home to someone else every day.

 

That's because you make it huge...if it's part of the relationship from the start and you accept it then it's not a huge issue.

 

You have to remember I date as well. He goes home and I usually end up going out to dinner and a movie...he leaves me knowing I'm going on with my life just as I know he's going on with his. He also knows that he runs the risk I'll find someone who will edge him out of the position in my life as well.

 

An A is like any other relationship...boundaries and expectations are put in place at an early stage. If you allow yourself to be treated poorly, you'll be treated poorly.

[Virgo1982]

So he was calling you in front of the wife? I seriously doubt it. He was probably just playing the poor, love starved fool for you to try to drag you right back into being his OW. Good that you didn't fall for it, but don't delude yourself into thinking the W knew everything that was going on.

 

She did know because I heard their conversation when she found some of our emails with detailed information. He then asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said yes, if he wanted to have relationships with other people. I truly believe they were both love-starved, but didn't want to put forth a serious effort for their relationship. She was actually seeing someone else herself. I saw the emails. Once again, every married person doesn't wear a halo and every OW/OM doesn't wear horns.

[9Lives]

What you're not seeing here is that some OW don't get crumbs. Some OW are treated well and have a bond with the WS that equals or eclipses anything they've had before.

 

During the A the W is getting the crumbs because she is in the dark...when the tables are turned and the OW has allowed the A to consume her, you are absolutely right, it has to be hell. The MM is definitely the winner...

 

in the begining my mm treated me very well but at the end of the day....he had a wife and I wanted it all. Each to his own.

 

When the ow is inlove ...you cant tell her nothing. She will rationalize the whole thing. bottomline.

[Virgo1982]

No, not at all. The only thing we noticed was him riding the lawn mower crying. When the kids asked him why he said it was his allergies:lmao: He was crying like a baby with a *****ty diaper and a really bad rash. :lmao:

.

 

:lmao::lmao: I can not begin to tell you how hard I laughed when I read this...