why do females pursue men who they know are committed to someone else???

[PhoenixRise]

So which is it Spark? In one post you're leaning heavily to the side that women are pursuing...in this one you're agreeing to the fact there are a fair few men out touting themselves as available when they aren't.

 

 

I can not speak for Spark

 

But IMO it is not either/or it is both.

 

Yes there are MM out there seeking affairs.

 

AND

 

Yes there are women out there seeking MM.

[Spark1111]

I can not speak for Spark

 

But IMO it is not either/or it is both.

 

Yes there are MM out there seeking affairs.

 

AND

 

Yes there are women out there seeking MM.

 

Yes, and pursuer or pursue-ee, you choose to get involved or not.

[TaylorJayne]

I guess whatever their reasoning (and most likely they are insecure) it doesnt help what happened. I'm looking for answers that basically are moot at this point. Bottom line, he cheated he failed....he did not put up the proper boundries and if had loved me he would have. He tells me he loves me, but I do not believe him, I not saying he doesnt either, I simply just dont trust him- and I never will.

 

MizFit- I hope you are not saying that the person who is deceived is responsible for choosing the situation, some people are really good at hiding who they are.

 

Now its time to brush myself off and move on

[OWoman]

For ANYONE who knowingly gets involved with a MM/MW, IMO, it is because that person has a low self esteem, and they think if they "steal" a MP from their spouse they are somehow better.

 

A human being is not a possession and cannot be stolen. But perhaps regarding them as possessions is what makes them demonstrate their free will by straying?

[OWoman]

Yes, and pursuer or pursue-ee, you choose to get involved or not.

 

Yes. Everyone has free will, and agency, and should not deny that they chose to involve themselves or not. If you were lured in under fake grounds (believing them not to be M, say) you still have the option to leave once you know.

[Hazyhead]

Why is this thread exclusive to questioning women's motivation? Affairs happen both ways and I think we do no favours to one another to question the other person in the affair based upon their gender. EVERYONE in the affair should be questioned. However, as far as damage to the marriage goes, no man, or woman for that matter, is held under duress. Free will... it is the responsibility of the married individual to protect their marriage.

[threebyfate]

why do females pursue men who they know are committed to someone else???

Low self-esteem and insecurity that's displayed in a competitive manner, where "defeating" the wife is as equally important, as hooking up with the MM. Totally dysfunctional.

[MizFit]

Ha ha!!! Then why do these "pursuers" feel they have "won" some sort of "prize?"

 

I've read many posts that virtually SCREAM that thought process on LS.

 

I was merely relaying what I feel goes through the minds of these types of people. You are certainly free to disagree.

 

 

In two posts you've asserted that every OW has low self esteem (sweeping generalization and not as often the case as you'd think) and that they're all stealing something and looking for prizes (sweeping generalization and not as often the case as you'd think)...sometimes OW fall in love. Sometimes they're highly intelligent and successful and confident and full of self esteem...sometimes they make as much as the WS and the only prize is his company and the level of emotion they feel.

 

If that's the prize I'd get if I won my MM...I guess you're right. I'm after a prize. In reality he's made it clear he has reasons to stay home and he'll do that if he possibly can. I probably will never get my MM, but I'll take what I have with him.

[MizFit]

I guess whatever their reasoning (and most likely they are insecure) it doesnt help what happened. I'm looking for answers that basically are moot at this point. Bottom line, he cheated he failed....he did not put up the proper boundries and if had loved me he would have. He tells me he loves me, but I do not believe him, I not saying he doesnt either, I simply just dont trust him- and I never will.

 

MizFit- I hope you are not saying that the person who is deceived is responsible for choosing the situation, some people are really good at hiding who they are.

 

Now its time to brush myself off and move on

 

 

Hi TJ...I hope you get through this with the outcome you truly want.

 

Overall I think that many BS are guilty of what humans are...familiarity and complacency. I don't think they are reasons for a WS to cheat...I, in my heart, don't think there are any reasons for cheating.

 

From personal experience...when I was in my 20s I was a BS and I did make some decisions that i know made my marriage vulnerable. He shouldn't have cheated, but I can see now what I did to contribute to the mix. Having said that...the day I found out was the day the marriage was over.

 

Good luck to you and rely on the forums. Many smart people here who will take good care of you.

[MizFit]

Now where did you see I claim that about OW? I said that about men AND women who pursue a MP.

 

 

Ok...OM as well as OW...sorry I missed that...

[bittersweet memories]

 

If that's the prize I'd get if I won my MM...I guess you're right. I'm after a prize. In reality he's made it clear he has reasons to stay home and he'll do that if he possibly can. I probably will never get my MM, but I'll take what I have with him.

 

So pretty much you will settle for second best...How sad:( and so young.

[Woman In Blue]

Married men are in abundance and most out and out lie about it. One of the first questions I ask a man is 'can I have your landline please'...if they refuse it normally means there's someone else who might answer it.

MizFit hit it right on the nose. It's amazing the lying these cads will do on dating sites and in bars, in the hopes of getting a cheap thrill. I'm on a dating site and I tell each and every guy I come into contact with that if I find out he's married, he's going to rue the day he was born - and I mean that sincerely. I have zero tolerance for dirtbags that pull that nonsense.

[TaylorJayne]

You know its funny because if a man wants more than a casual relationship with me and I do not want it with them- I tell them "nope, its not going anywhere you're wasting your time". And the same if they are involved with someone else or I am- I simply say no. There is no thrill to me in competing for someone's affection. There is no joy in spending a holiday alone while they are with someone else, or not being able to go out in public. I guess thats why I don't get it when a woman goes after an attached man, and I really don't get why he would give in if he loves you. And the OW, how frustrated must she be that he wont leave me for her, I should have known when these women harassed me that he was with them, but I just thought they were rednecks (sorry if that offended anyone- but its what I thought) When I am in a relationship I want to be free in it- lies and secrets are so suffocating. And as far as another woman competing with me- well good luck, because as painful as it is for me to walk away- I'm walking. I dont care if he begs borrows or steals- Im not doing it. He is not with them now (supposedly) but he can have them. I guess I sound angry- but I am.

[Virgo1982]

The question is difficult to answer if you mean pursuing a MM in the beginning. Quite frankly, I find that the WS is the one who does much of the pursuing. Now, after you have found out that the person is M, it is hard for you to believe this person is capable of doing and saying all of those things simply to meet their own needs. However, the WS's S, needs to believe the person they M isn't that cruel either, because they plan to stay with them for the rest of their life. For that reason, I believe the two most important people to a M are the two individuals who are in it. Not to rid myself of any guilt or admitted wrong doing, but because I would hate to believe that my M could be threatened by anyone who pursues my H.

 

While that may be comforting for those who choose to stay with a WS-if they are not a repeat offender-it is delusion to those who want to blame outside forces for something their WS is actually bringing into the M. Even if you remain in the M after d-day, wouldn't your WS's continued fidelity let you know it was he or she in control? Did someone beat them with an ugly stick or did they stop pursuing OW/OM? Did they snap out of it when they realized that eating cake was no longer an option? Some of the things MM/MW do and share with A partners would probably make BS's sick to their stomachs. Because they have no intention on leaving in many cases, they will share almost anything with them and feel more comfortable because they have an outlet and no financial/family ties with them. That was my experience, though. Not completely sure about anyone else. I felt like I was a shrink at times.

 

His W did not work and wasn't very good with paying bills. She is an excellent mother from my understanding in terms of nurturing, but doesn't discipline very well. So, they would fuss about those things. Does that give him a green light to cheat? Certainly not. He married her and continues to be married to her. But her dependence on him makes it easier for him to cheat because that is his personality. Before you jump on me, I didn't create him. I am simply calling it like I see it. He knows she isn't going anywhere. She doesn't have any income. He can not successfully support two households. Did I pursue him? No. Did I participate in an A with him? Yes I did. Did I have to end it? Yes I did. Will she end it when he finds someone else to pursue? No she won't.

 

The question states that these men are committed to someone else. I would have to say that more often they are not actually committed to the relationship and pursue the OW for sex, emotional connection, escape, stress relief, because they can, etc.

[Virgo1982]

Ha ha!!! Then why do these "pursuers" feel they have "won" some sort of "prize?"

 

I've read many posts that virtually SCREAM that thought process on LS.

 

I was merely relaying what I feel goes through the minds of these types of people. You are certainly free to disagree.

 

Oh, I will be the first to tell you, I didn't want to "win" him, but I felt a sense of loss when it was over. Once I sat back and thought about it, I pitied his W because I know he will cheat again. Especially when he made several attempts to contact me at different intervals after I initiated no contact-years after that, in fact. He made it seem as if his M was hopeless and that he wanted out. If he is happily married and carrying on like that, what kind of prize is that? I am very aware that the shoe could be on the other foot, but if my H carried on like he did, I would not be able to lie to myself enough to think I "won." For the love of my children, I suppose, but as a W, certainly not.

 

Now, I think for those that end up with the MM, he was obviously ready to make a decision and leave. Like many things, people appreciate what they have and the fact that a M started out as an A doesn't make it much different to me than a M that started out as an exclusive relationship. If there were a huge difference, people who started as an exclusive couple would not be here talking about their WS.

[jenifer1972]

I think that temptation is an "equal opportunity, non gender biased" creature. Both sexes can be tempted and succumb in weak moments. But I still hold the PURSUER, regardless of sex as the most responsible for it - the person who "offered the apple" as it were.

[TaylorJayne]

I think that temptation is an "equal opportunity, non gender biased" creature. Both sexes can be tempted and succumb in weak moments. But I still hold the PURSUER, regardless of sex as the most responsible for it - the person who "offered the apple" as it were.

 

I agree. if a W/M knows that a person is attached and they still pursue them, I most certainly hold them responsible. They knew what they were doing and the person who gave in did also, but man its such an ugly characteristic to pursue a man/women who is taken. And its so disrespectful to the both people in the relationship. They are selfish, unkind people, but what goes around does come around. Only thing is usually people like that dont even realize what they did to have negative things come their way because they are so self absorbed.

[bentnotbroken]

So he was calling you in front of the wife? I seriously doubt it. He was probably just playing the poor, love starved fool for you to try to drag you right back into being his OW. Good that you didn't fall for it, but don't delude yourself into thinking the W knew everything that was going on.

 

 

Mr. Messy called ow all the time in front of me. He would carry on conversations with her in front of all our family by talking and texting. We didn't know it at the time but it is possible that the MM in her situation did it. Sounds like a pretty sick puppy to me, very passive aggressive.

[bentnotbroken]

Did your ex carry on in the manner described, though? I think that would have been a little clue for you, wouldn't it? I doubt there was wailing and gnashing of teeth in front of the W. It was made to sound as if the W would have known he was blathering on like a smitten fool.

 

 

No, not at all. The only thing we noticed was him riding the lawn mower crying. When the kids asked him why he said it was his allergies:lmao: He was crying like a baby with a *****ty diaper and a really bad rash. :lmao:

[bentnotbroken]

O - M - G!!! You just painted SUCH a vivid picture! LMFAO!!!

 

See, the prior poster made it sound like if SHE were the W and HER H was carrying on in the manner her MM was, she wouldn't stand for it. Well, how do you know you aren't going to stand for something you know nothing about?

 

 

True, so true. And yes, the picture you have is the one we saw.

[9Lives]

Women???

why would you pursue a guy that you know has a wife, girlfriend, companion, i mean u get the point?

it doesn't bother you that he's obviously a liar, cheater, self absorbed person? obviously because he's not telling his spouse about you! and if he's tellin you about her that doesn't send warning signs about what he will obviously do to you???

 

*males feel free to leave your insight too! i'd really like clarity on this one

 

OMG!! most of the time...most of the time...it is the men who pursue the women. the mm women need to wake up and understand that. I get hit on by mm all the time. I dont want a mm. I did it and it is a mess. and HE PERSUE me harder than the single guys. oh please!!!

[9Lives]

Well, the MM apparently thinks so!

 

 

 

If they're "no good" as you say, then why are their W's still with them? The same (unanswerable) question could just as easily be directed at the BW.

 

 

 

Again, you could turn this right around toward the BW and point fingers at her. Why would she stay with such a no-good cheating man???

 

I am beginning to think these questions can never be adequately answered. The issue is way more complicated than "the OW is desperate/needy/hates herself" or "the MM [my H] is no-good so don't get involved with him!"

 

I don't think it's going to do ANY of us any good to point fingers at each other, though, or claim to be holier/better than thou. It's simply not so. No matter what "side" you're on.

 

I disagree with what you are saying. If you are a woman who messes with mm...you have low self esteem(I did)..then I realized that I was not treating myself right...then I stop and started working on myself.

 

The mm is a cheater...my ex mm was a good cheater and was a cheater before he got married and then became one when he was married when the marriage was hard for him. He was a cheater in the heart.

 

The wife does deserve a better man but she made a commitment to him. She has to seriously think about what she needs to do when she finds out he aint faithful

[9Lives]

Well...I'd like to say right off the bat that an OW is not cheating...the MM is.

 

The next thing to comment on is how on earth you are all knowing enough to say that OW are so needy they'll do anything for love? How are you all knowing enough to know that all OW lack self worth? Man you are one smart cookie if you've got that all worked out...

 

seriously, you cant think that much of yourself if you willing want to be second. the wife gets the holidays...the wife gets the special occassions..the wife get to share in the family memories...the wife gets the insurance policies...the wife is the Queen. the ow on the other hand...IN THE SHADOWS. You choose as a woman your place.

 

I am a ex ow and i dont even want to be around women who do it now. It is such a waste of time. after it is all said and done.....you are still foul so you need to find your own man.

[9Lives]

Well I've read anne's story and I don't interpret it in any shape or form as you. hence the different perspectives.

 

However I do not wear your brand of shades that sees the world through the lens of an OW.

 

I do not think that brand would fit me since I am a male and not an OM.

 

to the OP, the OW is either love-starved, has low self esteem or both. Sometimes they suffer from a disorder, be it bi-polar or narcissistic or have addictions like love or sex or even drugs. Some are sexual abuse survivors and have a warped since of intimacy.

 

Take your pic.

 

I think you are right. I am a ex ow and I was starved for love and had low self esteem. I had a warp sense of itimacy. It all true. YOU CANT LOVE YOURSELF..REALLY....AND BE WITH A MARRIED MAN. Reality is going to slap you in the face...YOU AINT FIRST

[9Lives]

I hate to disagree, but I do. Quite frankly there are enough married men who are out looking I don't think you'd have to work too hard at all to catch their attention if sex was all it was about. If anything I agree with the poster that a married man has to work harder to attract someone because they have to compensate for the fact they're married.

 

no they freaking dont!! some women will except crumbs and stuff from him that they wouldnt accept from a single guy. Im telling you. My so called friend will not ask her mm for a thing cause she is scared he will stop coming around. I cant deal with her anymore