why do females pursue men who they know are committed to someone else???

[stillafool]

Sorry Grogster, I see why you and your wife are reconciling. Good luck with that.

 

But, I was wondering if wives are invited to the firms parties.

[grogster]

Absolutely not. The toxic "affair" cocktail ingredients: a good professional collegial relationship, a deep opposite sex friendship, a strong mutual attraction and alcohol (at the party or after work).

 

Mix them together and you produce a Molotov cocktail of the Heart, which one hurls in the general direction of his betrayed spouse and family.

 

All sorts of damage results--mostly to the affectional bonds between spouses.

 

At the time, though, one is often too besotted, too selfish, too hormonally high to care.

Edited February 15, 2010 by grogster

[MizFit]

Some will not only accept leftovers but will eat from the trash as well.

 

 

Is this the same trash that so many BS are fighting to get back? I never can understand how when an OW wants to stay in the running for a man he's trash or leftovers, but when it's a BS he's a soul worthy of trying to save.

 

Sorry, but you can't have it both ways...

[MizFit]

Phoenix, great post!

 

I have friends who have been divorced for many years and they have apprised me of the current dating scene.

 

More woman than men; more women wanting a man with resources and status to make the game more worthwhile; many not caring if he is married or not.

 

Yes, many woman openly pursue relationships with MM, especially those with resources.

 

Many MM, who want some fun on the side, pretend or exaggerate the resources they do have, to attract the women.

 

Wow...must be a whole different dating scene than mine. Married men are in abundance and most out and out lie about it. One of the first questions I ask a man is 'can I have your landline please'...if they refuse it normally means there's someone else who might answer it.

 

I went out with someone 3 times recently...had a great time each time. He had told me he was divorced...he was in sales so was on the road a lot and used a toggle for his internet connection rather than broadband-logical explanation for no landline. After date 3 I asked him when he was going to take me to his house...then came the news about the wife.

 

Since Christmas I've probably either met or been approached online by 20 men and I'd say conservatively that half are married and not too bothered about hiding it.

 

I am well aware that different areas and different sites and real life situations garner different results, but for both myself and the single female friends I have the reality is there are many married men and they're not shy about trying to start something up.

[MizFit]

Grogster...huge congrats to you and yours...xx

[TaylorJayne]

In my case both of the women he cheated on me with knew he was with me, and one of them tried to befriend me while she was sleeping with him! I have asked myself this same question many times and I simply just dont get it. I wish I could answer your question, but honestly I dont know. I have been persued by an attached person and I have turned my back on them (this was before I started dating this guy), which is why I do not understand why women or men do this, its cruel.

[jennie-jennie]

:lmao:

 

Hi, Catapult! Did you lose your password?

[Spark1111]

Wow...must be a whole different dating scene than mine. Married men are in abundance and most out and out lie about it. One of the first questions I ask a man is 'can I have your landline please'...if they refuse it normally means there's someone else who might answer it.

 

I went out with someone 3 times recently...had a great time each time. He had told me he was divorced...he was in sales so was on the road a lot and used a toggle for his internet connection rather than broadband-logical explanation for no landline. After date 3 I asked him when he was going to take me to his house...then came the news about the wife.

 

Since Christmas I've probably either met or been approached online by 20 men and I'd say conservatively that half are married and not too bothered about hiding it.

 

I am well aware that different areas and different sites and real life situations garner different results, but for both myself and the single female friends I have the reality is there are many married men and they're not shy about trying to start something up.

 

Oh yes, they've mentioned this too.....the MM on the prowl for some one the side....Yuck! is their response, but they say many other women out there just don't care and gladly engage hoping it leads to ....more.

[Spark1111]

Absolutely not. The toxic "affair" cocktail ingredients: a good professional collegial relationship, a deep opposite sex friendship, a strong mutual attraction and alcohol (at the party or after work).

 

Mix them together and you produce a Molotov cocktail of the Heart, which one hurls in the general direction of his betrayed spouse and family.

 

All sorts of damage results--mostly to the affectional bonds between spouses.

 

At the time, though, one is often too besotted, too selfish, too hormonally high to care.

 

Ahhhh Grogester, best of luck....and your story is so typically sad and true...

 

I too have lived this.

[freestyle]

Thanks O, for your kind words.

 

My wife and I are trying for a comeback. Will things return to the way they were before the Fall (ie, my affair)? No.

 

Yet, we both want to try to put this humpty dumpty of a marriage back together. I want to be a husband again.

 

And if we succeed, and I believe we will, you'll know because I'll be gone from here. For good.

 

 

 

Grogster,

 

I wish you success with you reconciliation. I hope you'll think twice about leaving LS, you are an asset to this site.Your posts are intelligent, fair, and well thought-out. You'll be missed........., but kudos to you for putting your M first........

[OpenBook]

Thanks O, for your kind words.

 

My wife and I are trying for a comeback. Will things return to the way they were before the Fall (ie, my affair)? No.

 

Yet, we both want to try to put this humpty dumpty of a marriage back together. I want to be a husband again.

 

And if we succeed, and I believe we will, you'll know because I'll be gone from here. For good.

 

(gasp) Grogster that is FABULOUS news!! I wish both of you ALL the very best that life has to offer!! :bunny: but you're really gonna be missed around here... especially with questions like "why do females pursue men who they know are committed to someone else??" (hey I had to tie it in somehow) You Go, My Good Man!!

[yeyo tornapart]

I see other men...he isn't a priority for me. He is well aware I date and am looking for a permanent partner. He knows that I may find someone and give him the bum's rush as I know he may get discovered, again, and I may get the bum's rush.

 

He has come to me 3 times now...the contact has come from him and the risk is his.

 

so if you do find your permanent partner, which i hope you do Good Luck(genuinely), how would you feel if you become the BS instead of the OW. will your views or standpoint change?

[grogster]

(gasp) Grogster that is FABULOUS news!! I wish both of you ALL the very best that life has to offer!! :bunny: but you're really gonna be missed around here... especially with questions like "why do females pursue men who they know are committed to someone else??" (hey I had to tie it in somehow) You Go, My Good Man!!

 

Thanks, OB. For obvious reasons, we're taking things slowly, but my Wife and I are moving forward.

 

We shall see.

[yeyo tornapart]

So your willing to play a part in ruining someone elses life/self esteem to be with a MM only to see other people on the side? This is the craziest thing I've ever seen. and it answers the question the OP was asking originally. People persue MM/MW because they are CAKE EATERS!

 

I am really glad Skylar posted her response in this thread.

 

Some of the OW posting in this thread are posting as if it is impossible for the premise of the thread to be true...that some women DO pursue MM.

 

Perhaps it is true that the individual situations of some of the OW who have posted here that the MM made the first move.

 

However only temporary amnesia could explain the fact that some are acting as though this pursuit of MM doesn't happen. Skylar posted here and has posted before about her pursuit of MM. There are other OW who post here in infidelity as well as the OW forum who say that they deliberately sought out MM and they have been open about their reasons for doing so. Some have even said they seek out seemingly happily married MM.

 

So....it happens and the original poster wanted to know why.

 

so flabbergasted! its so hard to understand this! but i do have insight now. its just a shame that people are so cruel, i thought treat others as you would like to be treated!!!

[yeyo tornapart]

Excellent post...a lot of sense in this and I agree with most. My comment will always come back to the man (WS)-if he wasn't making himself available then there would be no beginning to the pursuit in those cases. If there is no beginning there is nothing to respond to...I don't think you can wear someone down, I think they know full well they want to get 'caught' it's just part of the game-as you're noting in your post.

 

However...you can't get caught if you don't have someone chasing you.

 

agree excellent post! "if he wasn't making himself available then there would be no beginning to the pursuit", but once you find out that he's not really available and acting in such a way why do you condone it by continuing to indulge in his behavior. personally i would look at him with disgust but why do you not? when you are involved with someone you accept them for who they are right? but why is it acceptable to accept a guy with baggage( wife, family etc). because i know i wouldn't want to share

[yeyo tornapart]

I am one such. It's a question that's been asked many times (besides the three threads this OP started to ask the question) and answered many times. Anyone who was really interested could search the forum and find the countless threads where OWs have answered fully and honestly each time. Those of us who've already answered that question several times on these forums are less inclined to do so again simply because some people's fingers are too lazy to do a search.

 

i think the question keeps being asked over and over again because its a personal one! i know i'd rather get a first handed response to my question instead of a second handed one. maybe thats not so clear...who wants to seek advice and have the adviser say go find out on your own:laugh: and the arguments obviously are not sound enough because it has to be reiterated and defended repeatedly. plus who wants advice from the same people we want all different perspectives situations and so forth

[yeyo tornapart]

I agree, this is certainly the other side of coin! And eventually, no matter who pursues whom, IT TAKES TWO to enter into a relationship, illicit or otherwise.

 

Isn't that the definition? Of a romantic, sexual, intimate, friendly relationship?

 

Two people, now mutually attracted to each other, form one?

 

I think yes.

 

Regardless of who is pursuing whom initially. At some point, there HAS TO BE RECIPROCATION of those feelings of attraction for a relationship to begin.

 

Yes! well said SPEAK THE TRUTH!

[yeyo tornapart]

Good post, NID. Not all affairs are instigated by predatory married men. Most married guys are weak and flattered by female attention.

I know that I was very flattered by my married colleague's invitation for drinks at The Four Seasons and repeated dance requests at our Firm's holiday party.

 

My MW sent powerful signals of sexual and romantic interest. And, to my deep regret, I responded, and the "mutual pursuit" game was on. The rest is, as they say, history.

 

Now, however, after a 6 year separation, I'm reconciling with my wife.

 

Never say never.

 

thanks for your insight on this one! Good Luck with the reconciliation! Hope you've learned from your mistakes

[MizFit]

so if you do find your permanent partner, which i hope you do Good Luck(genuinely), how would you feel if you become the BS instead of the OW. will your views or standpoint change?

 

 

Yeyo...in my mid 20s I was a BS and I didn't stand for it. I found out and moved out of the house and marriage immediately...I would never put up with a partner that cheated on me.

[MizFit]

agree excellent post! "if he wasn't making himself available then there would be no beginning to the pursuit", but once you find out that he's not really available and acting in such a way why do you condone it by continuing to indulge in his behavior. personally i would look at him with disgust but why do you not? when you are involved with someone you accept them for who they are right? but why is it acceptable to accept a guy with baggage( wife, family etc). because i know i wouldn't want to share

 

I'm not condoning anything...he's a grown man and he made certain decisions about his marriage. He spent 30 years faithful to someone who has a severe lack of sexual needs and as he said there is only so much rejection you can take even from someone you love...he has issues that make it so he will never willingly leave the M...he was upfront about them from the start, but he was also upfront that he would search till he found someone he could have a relationship with and fill the needs not being met at home. I don't share him in any more capacity than I share other men I date.

[MizFit]

Oh yes, they've mentioned this too.....the MM on the prowl for some one the side....Yuck! is their response, but they say many other women out there just don't care and gladly engage hoping it leads to ....more.

 

So which is it Spark? In one post you're leaning heavily to the side that women are pursuing...in this one you're agreeing to the fact there are a fair few men out touting themselves as available when they aren't.

[Holding-On]

If I am at a restaurant and all the fish is taken I will eat steak. There are plenty of other men out there. This is no excuse, but weakness and low self-esteem.

 

And some of us want to eat steak. Some of us even attempt to eat fish AND steak.

 

I think a better wording of the question might be why does a single women pursue a married men intending to get that MM to commit to a long term relationship with her exclusively?

 

So why do women want those married men in the first place? Well for the same reasons their wives do/did. Men who are still single (after a certain age) usually are unmarried for a reason (or three).

 

I will say that love/lust makes you chemically imbalanced so delusional probably fits in many cases. I would say it did in mine.

 

My MM flirted outrageously with me and was very into me. Eventually I told him that I was in an open marriage. I was hoping with some delusion (but not more so than another passionate affair) that his wife just might agree to share him (hey, I'm not the only person in an open marriage out there).

 

 

I didn't want a primary/monogamous relationship with my MM. I was simply very attracted to him and him to me. If his wife had been willing to share him, I'd be happily shagging him (well I hope so anyway).

[MizFit]

i think the question keeps being asked over and over again because its a personal one! i know i'd rather get a first handed response to my question instead of a second handed one. maybe thats not so clear...who wants to seek advice and have the adviser say go find out on your own:laugh: and the arguments obviously are not sound enough because it has to be reiterated and defended repeatedly. plus who wants advice from the same people we want all different perspectives situations and so forth

 

You say the arguments aren't sound enough...I think it's probably more the fact that it's a very polarizing topic and there are a million reasons that things happen. There is no right and there is no wrong. My idea of right will never match Spark or BentNotBroken...it just won't happen. To them their perspective is spot on and there are no shades of gray...to me the same. These issues will be argued forever because there are no answers, but we all have taken sides.

 

Please no one take any offense to this...it's not meant that way. I just wanted to illustrate that the arguments put forward are very sound on both sides, but the people have different perspectives and thoughts that are either impossible or near impossible to change. So...the arguments/discussions will rage on...

[Spark1111]

So which is it Spark? In one post you're leaning heavily to the side that women are pursuing...in this one you're agreeing to the fact there are a fair few men out touting themselves as available when they aren't.

 

I think it's a fair representation of what is out there.

 

I think we ultimately choose what we want to be involved in and with whom, whatever our personal motivations may be.

 

We choose our relationships, depite who starts off pursuing whom.

[MizFit]

I think it's a fair representation of what is out there.

 

I think we ultimately choose what we want to be involved in and with whom, whatever our personal motivations may be.

 

We choose our relationships, depite who starts off pursuing whom.[/QUOTE]

 

I agree completely with what I've bolded...