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why do females pursue men who they know are committed to someone else???

yeyo tornapart

By yeyo tornapart
in Infidelity

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RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted
If I am at a restaurant and all the fish is taken I will eat steak. There are plenty of other men out there. This is no excuse, but weakness and low self-esteem.

 

I'm totally not negating this fact. I agree 101%

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted
Do you honestly think that it's all about weakeness and low self esteem? Some OW absolutely, but the same can be said about some women who married abusive men or alcoholics.

 

There are plenty of OW that have self esteem that isn't an issue at all-me being one of them. As far as being starved for love...I was dating when I met MM and I dated through seeing MM...I dated through 2 DDays...he's back in touch now and I'm still dating. He is well aware if I find someone who gives me what he can't then that's me gone...he's known that from the start just as I've known he'll always do his utmost to stay home.

 

Sorry...I love him, but I'm not starved for his time and attention and love.

 

come to think of it, you're right, not all cheaters have low self worth, some just have ZERO conscience.

 

There are those people who cheat for lack of something and those that do it for fun, hence no conscience.

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted

MizFit

 

If you married to an addict, then YES you were and are lacking is self worth

My BF is an addict and because of PSTD I suffered 10 yrs ago, I cheated with a married guy and now find myself with an addict.

 

My BF is in recovery and sober 19 months. I'm in therapy and Al Anon and when I cheated with a married guy 10 yrs ago, I was in denial as well.

 

But here's the difference between you and I, I have the balls to admit I was broken and have the balls to face my mistakes.

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted
Being second is not good enough for me either.

 

then why have you been second for 5 yrs?

OliveOyl Established Member

OliveOyl

Posted
Posted

Maybe women stay with MM because they don't need everything (and all the baggage) that comes along with being so-called #1.

 

I don't see that people can really be owned anyway. We are not cattle. We are humans with free choice. Marriage and monogamy are societal conventions designed to keep us controlled, not reflecting on the true nature of our relationships.

bentnotbroken Established Member

bentnotbroken

Posted
Posted
Maybe women stay with MM because they don't need everything (and all the baggage) that comes along with being so-called #1.

 

I don't see that people can really be owned anyway. We are not cattle. We are humans with free choice. Marriage and monogamy are societal conventions designed to keep us controlled, not reflecting on the true nature of our relationships.

 

 

The true nature of SOME relationships and SOME people. We all don't have that view of marriage as a societal construct.

bittersweet memories Established Member

bittersweet memories

Posted
Posted
Not at all the case. I know how I felt and thought throughout the affair. I know that some may like to think that the OW/OM is the be all and end all but that is not the case in many affairs.

 

As for guilt. Well of course I felt guilt. In my marriage I was the bad guy. But I have dealt with my guilt and now feel remorse at my actions. As I said earlier - learnt and grown.

 

 

Good for you...and many MM come to their senses and leave their OW and work on their marriage. You live and learn..

EnigmasMuse Established Member

EnigmasMuse

Posted
Posted

IMO, OW or OM who pursue or get involved in an affair with someone who is married and they know this, then yes, they do help the cheater that is cheating, so yes they are apart of the cheating equation.

bittersweet memories Established Member

bittersweet memories

Posted
Posted (edited)
Being second is not good enough for me either.

 

It must be good enough for you, you're still with MM. No mater how you twist and turn this... you are SECOND best.

Edited by bittersweet memories
Leia Established Member

Leia

Posted
Posted
If I am at a restaurant and all the fish is taken I will eat steak. There are plenty of other men out there. This is no excuse, but weakness and low self-esteem.

 

Absolutely right!

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted (edited)
It must be good enough for you, you're still with MM. No mater how you twist and turn this... you are SECOND best.

 

then why have you been second for 5 yrs?

 

I suggest you go and read yeyo's thread "Who has been or would b the 'OW'???" in the OW/OM forum since you insist on talking about second best when this is nothing experienced by many/most OW.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t221364/

 

Bittersweet, if you have not been the OW in a long term relationship, you have not experienced how the OW is the centre of the MM's world.

Edited by jennie-jennie
anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
I suggest you go and read yeyo's thread "Who has been or would b the 'OW'???" in the OW/OM forum since you insist on talking about second best when this is nothing experienced by many/most OW.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t221364/

 

Bittersweet, if you have not been the OW in a long term relationship, you have not experienced how the OW is the centre of the MM's world.

 

JJ

 

Only a very few OW (3 or 4 maybe) have contributed to that thread (including you) and I think you are the only one who says being an OW is positive and "first" all the way through. Others talk about it being good - until the MM dumped them to go back to the wife.

MizFit Established Member

MizFit

Posted
Posted
you tell yourself whatever you need to to get through your day

 

here is the definiton. Try to justify it please. I'm EAGER to hear how screwing married people is NOT cheating!

 

cheat (cht)

v. cheat·ed, cheat·ing, cheats

v.tr.

1. To deceive by trickery; swindle: cheated customers by overcharging them for purchases.

2. To deprive by trickery; defraud: cheated them of their land.

3. To mislead; fool: illusions that cheat the eye.

4. To elude; escape: cheat death.

v.intr.

1. To act dishonestly; practice fraud.

2. To violate rules deliberately, as in a game: was accused of cheating at cards.

3. Informal To be sexually unfaithful: cheat on a spouse.

4. Baseball To position oneself closer to a certain area than is normal or expected: The shortstop cheated toward second base.

n.

1. An act of cheating; a fraud or swindle.

2. One who cheats; a swindler.

3. A computer application, password, or disallowed technique used to advance to a higher skill level in a computer video game.

4. Law Fraudulent acquisition of another's property.

5. Botany An annual European species of brome grass (Bromus secalinus) widely naturalized in temperate regions.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

I'm not all knowing, it's basic human psychology. Read up on it. I would post some stuff for all your OW, but you can google it or better yet, get yourself into some therapy and you'll see for yourselves.

 

That is of course, if you ever want to live a life NOT in denial. Some people are happy in denial

 

 

You've justified it for me...I did none of those things. At any point I would have been happy to tell his W about the affair. My relationship has always been with him and he is the one I interact with...his actions have absolutely been covered in what you've written, but mine haven't.

 

When he and I spend time away I take photos and put them on FB. He is aware of them and the fact she is a friend of a friend so can go in and look at them as she wishes. When she confronted me and asked me questions I told her the truth...when she didn't believe me I offered emails and sent them to her to fill in the blanks.

 

Anything I've hidden was at the request of the person cheating...

MizFit Established Member

MizFit

Posted
Posted
I'm totally not negating this fact. I agree 101%

 

 

If I wanted steak and the restaurant was out I'd be off to another restaurant. I wouldn't settle for fish...

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted
You've justified it for me...I did none of those things. At any point I would have been happy to tell his W about the affair. My relationship has always been with him and he is the one I interact with...his actions have absolutely been covered in what you've written, but mine haven't.

 

When he and I spend time away I take photos and put them on FB. He is aware of them and the fact she is a friend of a friend so can go in and look at them as she wishes. When she confronted me and asked me questions I told her the truth...when she didn't believe me I offered emails and sent them to her to fill in the blanks.

 

Anything I've hidden was at the request of the person cheating...

 

 

Im truly speechless

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted
If I wanted steak and the restaurant was out I'd be off to another restaurant. I wouldn't settle for fish...

 

you mean like you're settling for now?

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted
JJ

 

Only a very few OW (3 or 4 maybe) have contributed to that thread (including you) and I think you are the only one who says being an OW is positive and "first" all the way through. Others talk about it being good - until the MM dumped them to go back to the wife.

 

Sure, it obviously was not good when/if the OW were dumped at Dday. But my point is that for a lot of OW (and I am talking about more than the women who contributed to that particular thread :rolleyes:) their reality DURING the affair/EMR is that they do not feel second best.

 

This continuous going on about the OW being second best is in my opinon a way for BS and reformed OW to put OW down. It would be nice if BS and OW could have a discussion which did not start with a derogatory statement about how the BS perceive the OW's reality.

 

As I stated above I believe the BS and OW many times serve different purposes for the MM, and thus are not at all in competition with each other:

 

"What the OW can not offer is the sense of the already existing family. Thus the MM often keeps both: the wife for the sense of family and the OW for his other emotional needs."

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted

Oops, Anne, sorry, I forgot to add reformed WS to my post above.

MizFit Established Member

MizFit

Posted
Posted
you mean like you're settling for now?

 

I'm settling for nothing...we've had 2 DDays and he's seeking me out again. He's gone back twice, but he's still risking everything to keep me in his life.

 

In the meantime I'm dating and enjoying my life. He is not a priority...I am. If he messages I reply when I can and if he wants to see me we'll see how it fits into my schedule.

MizFit Established Member

MizFit

Posted
Posted
MizFit

 

If you married to an addict, then YES you were and are lacking is self worth

My BF is an addict and because of PSTD I suffered 10 yrs ago, I cheated with a married guy and now find myself with an addict.

 

My BF is in recovery and sober 19 months. I'm in therapy and Al Anon and when I cheated with a married guy 10 yrs ago, I was in denial as well.

 

But here's the difference between you and I, I have the balls to admit I was broken and have the balls to face my mistakes.

 

 

I'm very pleased your BF is in recovery...my ex husband, who when I was 21 I thought I could save, chose to find someone to be his enabler because I had the self esteem to let him know I wouldn't stick around and play second fiddle to a bottle. When I found out about her the decision was well and truly made...my 3 year old and I packed up and moved out. I don't think those actions really reflect a person who has low self esteem...maybe a feeling of being a little more powerful than she actually was at the beginning of the relationship, but no issues with self esteem.

 

I truly wish you both the best...it's very difficult and it takes a strong person to beat it and a stong person to help them. Please...believe me, there is no sarcasm or ill will meant in those words-I believe them with all my heart.

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted
I'm very pleased your BF is in recovery...my ex husband, who when I was 21 I thought I could save, chose to find someone to be his enabler because I had the self esteem to let him know I wouldn't stick around and play second fiddle to a bottle. When I found out about her the decision was well and truly made...my 3 year old and I packed up and moved out. I don't think those actions really reflect a person who has low self esteem...maybe a feeling of being a little more powerful than she actually was at the beginning of the relationship, but no issues with self esteem.

 

I truly wish you both the best...it's very difficult and it takes a strong person to beat it and a stong person to help them. Please...believe me, there is no sarcasm or ill will meant in those words-I believe them with all my heart.

 

I believe you, thanks for the kind words. It has been a rough ride but not my roughest but very challenging.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
Sure, it obviously was not good when/if the OW were dumped at Dday. But my point is that for a lot of OW (and I am talking about more than the women who contributed to that particular thread :rolleyes:) their reality DURING the affair/EMR is that they do not feel second best.

 

I do realise that there are more than those who posted in that thread who feel as you do - I think you just did not select a good example to support your case :)

 

 

This continuous going on about the OW being second best is in my opinon a way for BS and reformed OW to put OW down. It would be nice if BS and OW could have a discussion which did not start with a derogatory statement about how the BS perceive the OW's reality.

 

I actually think in the overwhelming majority of affairs, the person who is coming first is the WS - both BS and the OW/OM get treated badly, both are misled, both are hurt. If you look at my posts, the one party in an affair who I tend to have a critical opinion of is the WS. And as a former WS, that does mean I am criticising myself for my past behaviour. :cool:

 

 

As I stated above I believe the BS and OW many times serve different purposes for the MM, and thus are not at all in competition with each other:

 

Seeing as the BS and the OM/OW may well perceive the other as a threat to their relationship with the WS, I think it is very difficult to say that they are not in competition with each other. The WS has forced them into that position.

 

 

"What the OW can not offer is the sense of the already existing family. Thus the MM often keeps both: the wife for the sense of family and the OW for his other emotional needs."

 

The wife is more than a mother - so this to me a belittling her role in the marriage. The wife (or BS) could be doing all that is expected in attending to the emotional needs of the WS - it's just that the WS is a selfish ***** and wants more. Also the OW/OM may be there just for sex as far as the WS is concerned - it does happen

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted
The wife (or BS) could be doing all that is expected in attending to the emotional needs of the WS - it's just that the WS is a selfish ***** and wants more. Also the OW/OM may be there just for sex as far as the WS is concerned - it does happen

 

Yes, this would be the case when the WS is indeed a cakeeater.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
Yes, this would be the case when the WS is indeed a cakeeater.

 

As most are - I know I was

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
If I wanted steak and the restaurant was out I'd be off to another restaurant. I wouldn't settle for fish...

 

Good for you, then you wouldn't eat it off of someone else's plate. Then move on to another man as well.

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