why do females pursue men who they know are committed to someone else???

[anne1707]

How wrong or right I might be is another question.

 

Well you are wrong - simple as that

[bentnotbroken]

Perhaps they are more passionate than other women?

 

 

Or use more common sense, perhaps.

[MizFit]

agreed, but look at it this way. if you've not eaten for days, you will pretty much do anything for food. These women are SO needy for love, they will take/do anything for it.

 

Again, goes back to lack of self worth. No matter what jargon you hear from cheating OW on this board and how they use their fancy foot work to justify it, this is the bottom line.

 

 

Well...I'd like to say right off the bat that an OW is not cheating...the MM is.

 

The next thing to comment on is how on earth you are all knowing enough to say that OW are so needy they'll do anything for love? How are you all knowing enough to know that all OW lack self worth? Man you are one smart cookie if you've got that all worked out...

[dreamingoftigers]

There is something to be said about sexual competition here. As someone who has considered having an A I can say that there is something of a huge ego boost knowing that you can attract a man's attention away from his wife.

[Lizzie60]

Well...I'd like to say right off the bat that an OW is not cheating...the MM is.

 

The next thing to comment on is how on earth you are all knowing enough to say that OW are so needy they'll do anything for love? How are you all knowing enough to know that all OW lack self worth? Man you are one smart cookie if you've got that all worked out...

 

I totally agree... especially if the OW is single..

 

The second bold made me laugh... of course the BW will say that the OWs are needy..have no self-worth... etc.. it just eat alive them to admit that their H prefers to have sex with another woman... and is seeking another woman for his emotional and sexual needs..

[SoulStorm]

Anne, I see the world and try to interpret it from the life experience I have. I was a WS because I was not fulfilled in my relationship, not because I was a cake eater or the bad guy in our relationship.

 

My exSO however WAS a cake eater. But then he never had any long term affairs. His longest was less than half a year.

 

I understand that your life experience is different than mine and that you view the world differently. I understand that you and not I know the details of your life. But when we put our stories out here on LS they are available to be interpreted and misinterpreted by others here. I am not twisting your story to what I want to hear, I am telling you how I interpret it. How wrong or right I might be is another question.

 

Well I've read anne's story and I don't interpret it in any shape or form as you. hence the different perspectives.

 

However I do not wear your brand of shades that sees the world through the lens of an OW.

 

I do not think that brand would fit me since I am a male and not an OM.

 

to the OP, the OW is either love-starved, has low self esteem or both. Sometimes they suffer from a disorder, be it bi-polar or narcissistic or have addictions like love or sex or even drugs. Some are sexual abuse survivors and have a warped since of intimacy.

 

Take your pic.

[MizFit]

There is something to be said about sexual competition here. As someone who has considered having an A I can say that there is something of a huge ego boost knowing that you can attract a man's attention away from his wife.

 

I hate to disagree, but I do. Quite frankly there are enough married men who are out looking I don't think you'd have to work too hard at all to catch their attention if sex was all it was about. If anything I agree with the poster that a married man has to work harder to attract someone because they have to compensate for the fact they're married.

[OFGnomore]

I totally agree... especially if the OW is single..

 

The second bold made me laugh... of course the BW will say that the OWs are needy..have no self-worth... etc.. it just eat alive them to admit that their H prefers to have sex with another woman... and is seeking another woman for his emotional and sexual needs..

 

It's no wonder by so many MMs continue to cheat. Sooner or later a BW needs to hold her WH responsible and cut the chord worrying about the OWs motives or issues. FTR, my xMM pursued with me, a married woman, xMM had 5 minor children at home. What does that say about his self worth?

Edited February 14, 2010 by OFGnomore

[OpenBook]

It's no wonder by so many MMs continue to cheat. Sooner or later a BW needs to hold her WH responsible and cut the chord worrying about the OWs motives or issues. FTR, my xMM pursued with me, a married woman, xMM had 5 minor children at home. What does that say about his self worth?

 

Actually, it says that he considers himself to be MORE important than anyone else in his life, IMO. That he would use both women like a dishrag in order to get ALL his worldly needs met. I'd like to know what is happening to his SOUL during this process, however. It can't be good.

[stillafool]

Good for you. You were most likely not that into those guys then. Some women just are more passionate about the ones they love.

 

This is not true. One I was very much in love with as I had dated him first and then he decided to marry someone else. He then tried to come back to me and I was desperately in love with him but I said no. I walked away because being second is not good enough for me.

[stillafool]

agreed, but look at it this way. if you've not eaten for days, you will pretty much do anything for food. These women are SO needy for love, they will take/do anything for it.

 

Again, goes back to lack of self worth. No matter what jargon you hear from cheating OW on this board and how they use their fancy foot work to justify it, this is the bottom line.

 

 

If I am at a restaurant and all the fish is taken I will eat steak. There are plenty of other men out there. This is no excuse, but weakness and low self-esteem.

[stillafool]

 

 

If they're "no good" as you say, then why are their W's still with them? The same (unanswerable) question could just as easily be directed at the BW.

 

Duh, because they are married to them. This man loved them enough to put a ring on their finger and want to spend the rest of their lives with them. This is why the wife is there, the two have made vows together and, she probably has no idea he is trolling for additional sex.

 

I agree that most of the time the MM does the pursuing. But, as a woman if you know this is a dead end situation and you are hurting someone else; why don't you have enough discipline within yourself to say NO?

[MizFit]

If I am at a restaurant and all the fish is taken I will eat steak. There are plenty of other men out there. This is no excuse, but weakness and low self-esteem.

 

Do you honestly think that it's all about weakeness and low self esteem? Some OW absolutely, but the same can be said about some women who married abusive men or alcoholics.

 

There are plenty of OW that have self esteem that isn't an issue at all-me being one of them. As far as being starved for love...I was dating when I met MM and I dated through seeing MM...I dated through 2 DDays...he's back in touch now and I'm still dating. He is well aware if I find someone who gives me what he can't then that's me gone...he's known that from the start just as I've known he'll always do his utmost to stay home.

 

Sorry...I love him, but I'm not starved for his time and attention and love.

[stillafool]

Do you honestly think that it's all about weakeness and low self esteem? Some OW absolutely, but the same can be said about some women who married abusive men or alcoholics

.

 

I would not stay with an abusive or alchoholic man either. That is not good enough for me.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think it is about now seeing the long view, everyone knows an A is the most likely thing to implode and wreck all three party's lives but people think they can A) get away with it and B) that the short-term high is worth the long-term consequence. Being illicit is fun, but it is fun and everyone's expense.

[MizFit]

.

 

I would not stay with an abusive or alchoholic man either. That is not good enough for me.

 

 

I agree with you, but I'm not sure what this has to do with my response to your sweeping generalization about OW having low self esteem.

 

I was married to an alcoholic who found someone else to enable him...I ended it immediately and never looked back. Self esteem has never been an issue for me and it still isn't.

[OFGnomore]

Actually, it says that he considers himself to be MORE important than anyone else in his life, IMO. That he would use both women like a dishrag in order to get ALL his worldly needs met. I'd like to know what is happening to his SOUL during this process, however. It can't be good.

 

I'm wondering if a narcissist has a soul.

[VENUS1]

I don't think "everyone" knows it. Especially at the time the fun is beginning. The MM knows what he is doing is wrong but whatever "it" is keeps him doing it and whatever "it" is keeps her doing it and the wife gets the leftovers. Unfortunately, the MM doesn't get that.

[jennie-jennie]

Well I've read anne's story and I don't interpret it in any shape or form as you. hence the different perspectives.

 

However I do not wear your brand of shades that sees the world through the lens of an OW.

 

I do not think that brand would fit me since I am a male and not an OM.

to the OP, the OW is either love-starved, has low self esteem or both. Sometimes they suffer from a disorder, be it bi-polar or narcissistic or have addictions like love or sex or even drugs. Some are sexual abuse survivors and have a warped since of intimacy.

Take your pic.

 

Oh my, am I glad I am not wearing your brand of shades!

[jennie-jennie]

This is not true. One I was very much in love with as I had dated him first and then he decided to marry someone else. He then tried to come back to me and I was desperately in love with him but I said no. I walked away because being second is not good enough for me.

 

Being second is not good enough for me either.

[jennie-jennie]

Duh, because they are married to them. This man loved them enough to put a ring on their finger and want to spend the rest of their lives with them. This is why the wife is there, the two have made vows together and, she probably has no idea he is trolling for additional sex.

 

I agree that most of the time the MM does the pursuing. But, as a woman if you know this is a dead end situation and you are hurting someone else; why don't you have enough discipline within yourself to say NO?

 

I didn't know men existed who wouldn't leave a marriage when they fell that deeply in love with another woman.

[skylarblue]

Personally, I’ve gone after M/attached men for three reasons:

 

1) I liked the challenge and the feeling it provided to know I was getting a MM to cheat on W. I felt accomplished knowing I could break such a significant sacred bond and that was important to me. I’ve acknowledged that it comes from on insecurities/weaknesses – the need to feel validated and desired and a miserable understanding of self-worth.

2) “Revenge” sex. If I felt screwed over for whatever reason, I would do what I thought was most hurtful which in some instances meant sleeping with a person’s SO. It’s weird because I never told the SO that it happened. Just knowing that their R wasn’t the same (known or not) and her guy was a cheating jerk was satisfactory in my mind.

3) It didn’t matter. If I was sexually attracted to someone and wanted to have a casual/FWB R I would. I didn’t care whether they were attached or not. It wasn’t a concern or factor.

 

I never considered things like the guy being a cheat, liar, etc, because (1)he wasn’t lying to and cheating on me (2)I didn’t care enough about him to process the idea (3)I wasn’t around long enough for it to be a factor. This is all with the exception of current MM. I’ve really started to think about things. One being why am I choosing to stay in this A. Another is how can I be attracted to someone who can cheat on his W, look her in the face and lie to her for years, and utterly disrespect her and their M by the things I know he has done…I don’t know why or how I stay at this point. I really try not to think about it as it relates to my MM because when I now see a MM and think about him cheating on his W it's kinda sickening. I don’t want to start seeing MM in that kind of light.

Edited February 14, 2010 by skylarblue
typo

[SoulStorm]

Oh my, am I glad I am not wearing your brand of shades!

 

 

Oh come on and try my shades !!!

 

Be careful though, as an OW you might not like what you see.

[silverfish]

Personally, I’ve gone after M/attached men for three reasons:

 

1) I liked the challenge and the feeling it provided to know I was getting a MM to cheat on W. I felt accomplished knowing I could break such a significant sacred bond and that was important to me. I’ve acknowledged that it comes from on insecurities/weaknesses – the need to feel validated and desired and a miserable understanding of self-worth.

2) “Revenge” sex. If I felt screwed over for whatever reason, I would do what I thought was most hurtful which in some instances meant sleeping with a person’s SO. It’s weird because I never told the SO that it happened. Just knowing that their R wasn’t the same (known or not) and her guy was a cheating jerk was satisfactory in my mind.

3) It didn’t matter. If I was sexually attracted to someone and wanted to have a casual/FWB R I would. I didn’t care whether they were attached or not. It wasn’t a concern or factor.

 

I never considered things like the guy being a cheat, liar, etc, because (1)he wasn’t lying to and cheating on me (2)I didn’t care enough about him to process the idea (3)I wasn’t around long enough for it to be a factor. This is all with the exception of current MM. I’ve really started to think about things. One being why am I choosing to stay in this A. Another is how can I be attracted to someone who can cheat on his W, look her in the face and lie to her for years, and utterly disrespect her and their M by the things I know he has done…I don’t know why or how I stay at this point. I really try not to think about it as it relates to my MM because when I now see a MM and think about him cheating on his W it's kinda sickening. I don’t want to start seeing MM in that kind of light.

 

When I was cheated on (ONS) the OW's mother was very ill (dying of cancer). She told me that was one of the reasons she did it, because she was so angry with the world etc. I felt quite sorry for her at the time actually, although I didn't really believe her.

[RedDevil66]

Well...I'd like to say right off the bat that an OW is not cheating...the MM is.

 

The next thing to comment on is how on earth you are all knowing enough to say that OW are so needy they'll do anything for love? How are you all knowing enough to know that all OW lack self worth? Man you are one smart cookie if you've got that all worked out...

 

you tell yourself whatever you need to to get through your day

 

here is the definiton. Try to justify it please. I'm EAGER to hear how screwing married people is NOT cheating!

 

cheat (cht)

v. cheat·ed, cheat·ing, cheats

v.tr.

1. To deceive by trickery; swindle: cheated customers by overcharging them for purchases.

2. To deprive by trickery; defraud: cheated them of their land.

3. To mislead; fool: illusions that cheat the eye.

4. To elude; escape: cheat death.

v.intr.

1. To act dishonestly; practice fraud.

2. To violate rules deliberately, as in a game: was accused of cheating at cards.

3. Informal To be sexually unfaithful: cheat on a spouse.

4. Baseball To position oneself closer to a certain area than is normal or expected: The shortstop cheated toward second base.

n.

1. An act of cheating; a fraud or swindle.

2. One who cheats; a swindler.

3. A computer application, password, or disallowed technique used to advance to a higher skill level in a computer video game.

4. Law Fraudulent acquisition of another's property.

5. Botany An annual European species of brome grass (Bromus secalinus) widely naturalized in temperate regions.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

I'm not all knowing, it's basic human psychology. Read up on it. I would post some stuff for all your OW, but you can google it or better yet, get yourself into some therapy and you'll see for yourselves.

 

That is of course, if you ever want to live a life NOT in denial. Some people are happy in denial