why do females pursue men who they know are committed to someone else???

[MizFit]

So answer the question if that is the case, why do females pursue men who they know are committed to someone else???

 

See post 238...I don't know as she could have been any more clear with her answer to the original question...

[OWoman]

But if you had followed the piece of conversation you responded to, we were discussing people who stay with a MM/MW, wishing they would leave their spouse, but continuing to stay despite their needs not being met.

 

You married your MM, hence, this particular piece of the situation does NOT apply to you.

 

So... because there's a gap between their wanting something to happen, and it happening, they have low self-esteem?

 

If I want to be a professor during my first year at university - does that mean I have low self-esteem? After all, I'd have so long to wait - I'd first need to qualify (undergraduate and post-graduate studies), get the necessary experience and publications, specialise appropriately in the field of my choice... and then apply and apply again until I'm successfully appointed. If my first application is not successful, do I have low self-esteem if I don't automatically can the idea?

[9Lives]

Thanks Mizfit..I am in over my head..I just never had reality thrown in my face like this..I thought I was happy..but I guess when it all comes down to it, I am confused and afraid of having my heart broken.. Thanks for all the support..I'm a bit delicate! xo S

 

get out of it is really the best thing to do. Being the ow is not that much fun. Yeah the sex is great and it can be exciting but really it is a waste of time for you. That just the truth. I know. You cant build on it. It is a stall in life. It is not that he is not a good guy or whatever..it is not taking you where you want to go...you want your own.

[fooled once]

Hi fooledonce..I really wasn't bashing his W..I personally don't ask him about her. Its a bad situation and unless you have experienced dating a married man, then you don't know how it feels. The ups and the downs. I dont flaunt my relationship with him..why would I, this is a foum..just being honest. I have kept my relationship a secret..

What I like about this relationship is, we don't fight. we have limited time together..no time to have major disagreements. He gives me space and treats me with respect..I really do feel sorry for his wife..thats why I never ask about her.

I have been married before and It was hell..people fall out of love..neither of us cheated. we just couldn't stand each other..I guess if my husband had cheated on me I would have taken the opportunity to leave him..it would have been much easier....Am I even making sense?? Anyways..you guys are sure a hard crowd to please..and yes.. I know my relationship won't last..I am wasting my time with someone that isn't available to me. I have to keep telling myself I can do better...it's pretty hard when you think you met your "soul mate"... and he just happens to be married..

 

Been the OW, so I DO understand.

 

Been married, and divorced, and remarried. No cheating during the first marriage nor the current marriage.

 

HOW can this guy be your 'soul mate' when you really don't know him? You know the fantasy of him -- but you haven't spent enough time with him to KNOW him and therefore, IN MY MIND, how can he be your soul mate? You are caught up in the fantasy of the relationship and not the reality of the situation.

 

Good luck.

[JackJack]

Stella, of course you like those things in a relationship, most people would, and do, especially in the beginning. So what happens when the newness of it all wears off, not only you but him? You both would have to maintain that relationship just like you would any other relationship and you'll both run into issues just like all people do. The point is, what will you both do or have in common other than how he makes you feel right now? Do you feel he would want to continue to maintain and work on the relationship with you and the one with his wife, sounds like alot to have to keep up with. Also you stated in one of your other post that you could "just stop", I'm assuming you mean stopping the relationship, so why don't you? Don't wait for him too. He will more than likely continue to play you and his wife until he eventually gets burned out on one of you.

[yeyo tornapart]

You say the arguments aren't sound enough...I think it's probably more the fact that it's a very polarizing topic and there are a million reasons that things happen. There is no right and there is no wrong. My idea of right will never match Spark or BentNotBroken...it just won't happen. To them their perspective is spot on and there are no shades of gray...to me the same. These issues will be argued forever because there are no answers, but we all have taken sides.

 

Please no one take any offense to this...it's not meant that way. I just wanted to illustrate that the arguments put forward are very sound on both sides, but the people have different perspectives and thoughts that are either impossible or near impossible to change. So...the arguments/discussions will rage on...

 

 

i agree. well put. wrong use of words by saying not sound enough that was my implication of choosing sides again. i def agree because what seems right and wrong to me may not be viewed the same to the next person. therefore i believe you made the point i was trying to make

[jennie-jennie]

But if you had followed the piece of conversation you responded to, we were discussing people who stay with a MM/MW, wishing they would leave their spouse, but continuing to stay despite their needs not being met.

 

Donna, what you don't get is that I have what I want: my MM. But things could be EVEN better, ie he could be single.

 

My needs are met, I am just greedy, and want more.. :love:

[OWoman]

As if the two are REMOTELY similar situations.

 

For some people they are - working towards something they really want, which they knew at the outset would be a long and difficult process.

 

When the "gap" is allowed to continue for year after year after year after year after... Well, yeah. There is NOTHING "automatic" about allowing a MM/MW to string you along for five years.

 

It all depends on whether the person discerns progress or not, and whether they are getting (sufficient of) their needs met in the meanwhile.

 

Not everyone lives for instant gratification. Some of us would rather wait for a proper meal than eat takeaway junk.

[2sure]

My needs are met, I am just greedy, and want more.. :love:

 

That is not being greedy. That is simply wanting the same thing that most every person wants. In your case, its just more than you can have.

Fortunately, you dont need more than you can have...so it works for you.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi again..It is so exciting right now..But, part of me is waiting for him to end it

 

ok, I gotta call bulls##t now. earlier you said you didn't want him to leave his wife for you, now you are saying part of you is waiting for him to end it. make up your mind.

 

So all that talk about not wanting him to end it with his family and not wanting to interfere is just a load of bunk.....as if sleeping with someone elses husband isn't interfering....I don't care if your excuse is that you weren't the one that pursued.

 

If I were to sleep with someone elses wife, I'd be interfering in their marriage...whether she came on to me or not.

 

 

and believe me, I would much rather be the one ending it with him..I take it things didn"t end well for you 9lives? I guess he's the one cheating and lying to his w

 

and this absolves you of all wrongdoing?

[OWoman]

EXCEPT - if you are working toward something you have been promised in your career once you complete A, B, and C and you DO complete A, B, and C and they STILL don't come through on the promise...

 

:lmao: Well, I'm not sure where you went to university, but... I've never heard of a single undergraduate being promised a chair, nor even a senior lecturer or associate professor. If there was even a hint that such a thing had happened, it would be grounds for disciplinary action! IRL, the way it works is: if it's ad hominem promotion, you need to meet the criteria for the higher rank, and you need to submit a portfolio of evidence proving this, and a narrative to persuade the committee, backed up by a testimonial from your head of department, as well as references from leading international experts in the field who can back up your claims. If the panel is convinced, you'll be considered along with other worthy contenders, and some of you may get promotion, depending on other factors (financial constraints, departmental / faculty strategy, demographic issues, etc) If it's a vacant chair rather than ad hominem promotion, then it's a straight contest between worthy, appointable applicants who meet all the criteria, as to which - if any - would be the best "fit" for the department at that point in time, all things considered. Universities always reserve the right not to make an appointment, even if someone does meet all the criteria.

 

So, no, no promises are ever made. It's a question of working towards being "right" for the rank, or the best candidate for the job - and hoping that the opportunity arises at the point you're ready for it.

 

Come to think of it - very much like the strategy of some OWs wanting to land up with their MMs...