Author BetrayedLady Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 You went through a situation where an ex started talking with you about previous intimate times, and then subsequently made attempts to doink you again, and you were not unreceptive to those advances, and that's not cheating?In the first occasion we only talked about our intimacy and cry out our feelings but since he knows I'm in a relationship, that's the reason nothing happened. The second time he tried to have online sex with me but I stopped it before it proceed though I still watched him masturbate on cam. I have gone back to NC and will keep it that way before it leads further. Perhaps not, depending on your point of view. If it is not, it is close enough as makes no significant difference.I know what it would have led which is why I'm no longer talking to him. This was a close call. As for the update: I'm ready to explained everything to my b/f. I forgot to mention that it was my b/f who told about this site when he cheated on me 14 months ago. However, he doesn't know I'm an LS user. I forgot what his sn was here because it's been a long while that I haven't come here until this incident happened but he showed me his post long ago. I'll tell him all about it sometime today. If he still posts here then for sure he's going to find out.
carhill Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 To clarify, current BF cheated on you in past and you still appear to have feelings for and attraction to past BF. Is this accurate? If so, IMO, it's probably better to be alone and work out your feelings regarding these two men as well as relationships in general. I say this from listening to the response of : I would dumped him immediately. If this happened then it would be an easy break-up. He cheated on me last year way back on Dec. 20, which I caught him but we have worked it out. I'm not sensing health here....
Author BetrayedLady Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 To clarify, current BF cheated on you in past and you still appear to have feelings for and attraction to past BF. Is this accurate? If so, IMO, it's probably better to be alone and work out your feelings regarding these two men as well as relationships in general. I say this from listening to the response of :Yes and he even made a post about it long ago. I was allowed to read his posts here but now I forgot what the sn was. I have worked it out with him and the triggers have decreased over time but I admit to finding my ex b/f attractive still. However, I realized that I have to focus on my relationship which is why I'm back to NC with my ex.
carhill Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 How long has it been since you and your ex were a couple? I'm assuming it was before Christmas 2008, but your postings are unclear. How long were you and your ex a couple before you broke up with him? Why was that? Also, how do you define love? You say you don't love your ex, yet you can have deep emotional conversations with him and want to watch him masturbate and say there are 'sparks'. How do you compare that with someone you have loved?
Author BetrayedLady Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 How long has it been since you and your ex were a couple? I'm assuming it was before Christmas 2008, but your postings are unclear. How long were you and your ex a couple before you broke up with him? Why was that?My ex and I were high school sweethearts from way back. I had broken up with him a week after graduating from high school in 2004. However, it's been a very long while since I haven't been feeling the same. I simply didn't wanted to ruin the guy's high school prom nor graduation so I pretended to love him. He was devastated when I broke it off (even crying) and I went NC ever since. I had interest in talking to him previously but he had attempts to reconcile. That was the main I didn't want to speak to him. I was not interest in reconciling but to just be friends with him. Also, how do you define love? You say you don't love your ex, yet you can have deep emotional conversations with him and want to watch him masturbate and say there are 'sparks'. How do you compare that with someone you have loved?Perhaps there might be some sparks left from the past that have not been completely burnt-out but that's not going to help my current relationship esp. when my b/f has been working hard in gaining my trust (calling everyday, telling me where he is and inviting me to come, letting me all his cell phone, email, etc.) while I'm in my world thinking about my ex. I admit my ex was a better partner during intimacy. He was the only man with whom I was able to achieve multiple orgasms. Alright I must stop thinking about my ex. He was not on my mind until 9 days ago. One night spending time with an ex from the past who's been long forgotten can create an impact. I think I must be either still infatuated with him or maybe never really forgot him. I love my b/f but at the same time have some recent feeling for my ex. I'm trying to erase him permanently now, which is why I'm back to NC.
ADF Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 What you describe isn't cheating, but cheating may well follow if these two keep in contact.
SuburbanOblivion Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Running into an ex and having a drunken, highly emotional conversation- a moment of bad judgement. Adding him on Facebook while knowing you are having trouble getting him out of your head- a moment of VERY highly bad judgement. IM'ing with him, allowing the topic to go to sex, watching him jerk off- cheating, no ifs ands or buts. Remove this guy from your facebook and IM lists, NOW. Then explain to your BF what happened and how much you regret it. If you are lucky he will forgive you.
Author BetrayedLady Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 (edited) The update on what's been happening is I told him everything last night, except the orgasm part. He was upset about it (understandable). Now he wants my email and password. Isn't that too much for him to ask? It's not like I actually slept with him, nothing in compare to what he did Dec. 20 2008. I'm not positively sure I did the right thing and he's still mad about it. Is he going to get over it within several days from now? I already deleted my ex from both facebook and yahoo im. Men........ I don't get it at all, he cheats and you forgive him. It's been worked out but I do something that's not even physical and he's mad. Edited February 18, 2010 by BetrayedLady
Bejita463 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Betrayal of trust is betrayal of trust. His having done it first does not lessen that. It isn't a game of jerk chess. You don't get to move king's rook to king bishop just because he already had his "turn."
carhill Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 OP, you do know this can go on for years; decades in fact. Is that what you want? Back and forth.... What's your solution? If this could end in a healthy way today, how would you do it?
Norville_Rogers Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 OP, you do know this can go on for years; decades in fact. Is that what you want? Back and forth.... What's your solution? If this could end in a healthy way today, how would you do it? The relationship with the current bf will never last - there is too much betrayal and deceit at the root of it - they both f***ed up and now they both need to just go on their own separate ways.
Author BetrayedLady Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 OP, you do know this can go on for years; decades in fact. Is that what you want? Back and forth....This definitely not what I want and I regret telling him about it. Why did I had to open my big mouth after deleting my ex from my contact list? Our relationship has been getting stronger until my ex got in the way. He partly ruined it (he knew I had a b/f so it's his fault at the same time). What's your solution? If this could end in a healthy way today, how would you do it?I want to focus on my relationship but is going to stop being upset? Does this now means I have to provide him access to my email and password too?
Author BetrayedLady Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 The relationship with the current bf will never last - there is too much betrayal and deceit at the root of it - they both f***ed up and now they both need to just go on their own separate ways.Can it be that maybe I should have kept silent about what happened? I'm the one who messed up this time. My mistake (apart from what happened) was not keeping my mouth shut about it.
Norville_Rogers Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Can it be that maybe I should have kept silent about what happened? I'm the one who messed up this time. My mistake (apart from what happened) was not keeping my mouth shut about it. Not at all....you were honest (partially) with him and that is always a good thing in my book. But there is no way that it would have gotten to this point if it was a really good realationship. He f'ed up before and you f'ed up now. Two wrongs don't make a right and you both need to just move on.
SuburbanOblivion Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 This definitely not what I want and I regret telling him about it. Why did I had to open my big mouth after deleting my ex from my contact list? Our relationship has been getting stronger until my ex got in the way. He partly ruined it (he knew I had a b/f so it's his fault at the same time). I want to focus on my relationship but is going to stop being upset? Does this now means I have to provide him access to my email and password too? The ex is not to blame, you are. You chose to cross the line by deliberately putting yourself in a situation of temptation. Saying it's his fault is like blaming Nabisco because you ate too many Oreos and got fat. And if you want to rebuild trust, yes, I would. Those with nothing to hide hide nothing.
SoulStorm Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 This definitely not what I want and I regret telling him about it. Why did I had to open my big mouth after deleting my ex from my contact list? Our relationship has been getting stronger until my ex got in the way. He partly ruined it (he knew I had a b/f so it's his fault at the same time). I want to focus on my relationship but is going to stop being upset? Does this now means I have to provide him access to my email and password too? The highlighted part is called "blameshifting". Not taking responsibility. All you had to do was say no and stop contact with him. You ALLOWED yourself to be sucked in by your ex. Yes..you should give him your passwords. You broke trust. If that is a requirement for him to trust you now..then do it. Would you not want him to do what you ask of him to do, after he betrayed you?
Bryanp Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 I think a huge problem was that you were not totally honest with him. It never pays to trickle truth and just give him a sanitized account. You needed to tell him the full truth (about the orgasm). Either you now have a relationship based on truth and honesty or lies and deceit. If you do not tell him the complete truth and it somehow comes out later then your relationship will be finished. You want your boyfriend to be honest and truthful to you but you refused to tell him the whole truth. What is wrong with this picture?
McGrupp Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 break up with your now BF. he cheated you are thinking about cheating...blah, blah, blah. i would go and bang your ex. there is no way your that cool to keep this one relationship while thinking about the other... sorry but maybe you should just go with your lust. life is more fun this way. plus i like your ex. dude sounds like the man...
Sal Paradise Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 I know that and ever since that event, I have been ignoring some calls and rejected intimacy lately. My b/f thinks it's due to his prior cheating and has been trying hard since but is unaware it's mainly because of that night. I want to stop thinking about my ex but somehow it's difficult. I feel as if I've brought back to life. It could be considered Emotional Cheating because.... 1) You obviously crossed a line emotionally that shouldn't have been crossed or you wouldn't still be thinking about him. You can't have this guy as a part of your life in any capacity. Cut him completely out of your life. 2) It doesn't matter if you think its cheating, if your significant other isn't ok with it then its cheating. If you have to ask then you probably crossed a line. If you have to keep it from them you crossed a line. If you wouldn't have felt comfortable engaging in the same discussion with your SO present then you crossed a line.
Author BetrayedLady Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 (edited) I think a huge problem was that you were not totally honest with him. It never pays to trickle truth and just give him a sanitized account. You needed to tell him the full truth (about the orgasm). Either you now have a relationship based on truth and honesty or lies and deceit. If you do not tell him the complete truth and it somehow comes out later then your relationship will be finished. You want your boyfriend to be honest and truthful to you but you refused to tell him the whole truth. What is wrong with this picture?The only part I omitted was about how my ex used to be better in bed, to which would result in me having multiple orgasms. What man would be fine knowing an ex was a better love-maker than him? This would hurt any man's ego. Other than that, I was honest about all the rest of the details. Though there are times I want reveal about those times (not always, sometimes) I had to fake an orgasm. However doing so, it would crush him. I have given him both my email and password and yes SoulStorm when he betrayed me 14 months ago, he gave me access to all his accounts and cell phone bills. I didn't even had to ask for them. I hardly ever check on them now. I realize what it feels like to be checked on, it's annoying. Edited February 22, 2010 by BetrayedLady
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