What is wrong with me? Why am I such a drama queen?

[JessaL]

My question is related to dating, but I think it's more an issue of self-improvement.

 

I am the most ridiculous person ever; I get hurt, upset or angry (always briefly) over the dumbest things that shouldn't even be a problem. I usually don't say anything about these things to the person (pretty much always a boyfriend) about what he did, because I know it's stupid; sometimes I do say something, and sometimes I act distant or cold or annoyed, so he knows something's up anyways.

 

I have always been this way, though I have noticed that I've gotten a tiny bit better as I've gotten older. I am tired of feeling this way, and I just want to be happy and content. I want to stop with the drama. But I don't know how. I need help.

 

----------------------------

 

I could give numerous examples of things that I get annoyed or mad or hurt about, but I'm not sure they would be helpful, or anyone would be interested. Just in case this helps to clarify my dumb behavior, I will give one example, the most recent.

 

My bf and I have been dating long distance for 6 months now. It's hard, but we should be together within the next month or so. Anyways, he sent me flowers for Valentine's Day, and I was so happy. He didn't send me roses; he sent me an arrangement that had my favorite flowers in it. I don't like roses because I think they're cliche, so I was especially happy that he didn't get me roses.

 

However, when I called him to thank him, he asked me what he had sent, because he didn't remember. This immediately triggered my drama-queen "mad" button. I didn't react outwardly, though. I told him, and he said "Oh, isn't one of those your favorite?" Yup.

 

Then he said, "I didn't know what to get you. I didn't want to get you roses." Since my drama button was already triggered I started thinking, why didn't you want to get me roses? Again, I didn't say that. But then I started thinking about how he sent roses, a teddy bear, and champagne to his last girlfriend for Valentine's Day, and I started getting upset that he hadn't done the same thing for me. Then I started thinking he doesn't love me the way he loved his last girlfriend.

 

Obviously, this is ridiculous and unreasonable.

 

Please help me. How do I stop being this way? I'm getting a lot better about controlling my reactions and behavior, but I still can't control those kinds of thoughts.

[katelyn98]

I understand u because I was like you sometime ago. I managed to stop this behaviour by thinking positive of what happened not the negative of what happened. It will help you brighten things up in ur life, and in no time u would stop acting like tat =) Dont doubt it, just try it =) I really hoped I helped.

[sagetalk]

I guess you know this already, but being a drama queen is a major turn off to mentally healthy males. There is probably something else in your life or your past (not him) that is causing this negativity. Deal with that first.

[JessaL]

I guess you know this already, but being a drama queen is a major turn off to mentally healthy males. There is probably something else in your life or your past (not him) that is causing this negativity. Deal with that first.

 

Thanks for responding.

 

Yes, I realize that I have a problem, I realize that I am the problem, and that is why I am trying to fix it. I want my relationships with others to be filled with peace and harmony. Both of these are reasons that I pretty much never say anything to my SO about what I am thinking or feeling.

 

I don't think my boyfriend has any idea that I am a drama queen. 95% of what I've described is completely internal. (I don't pick fights with him; I'm not constantly approaching him with a new "problem" I have; I'm not constantly acting badly to get attention from him; I'm not constantly questioning him, or letting him know that I'm completely overanalyzing everything he does or says, or doesn't do or doesn't say...)

 

Can you clarify what you mean by my melodramatic attitude having to do with something else in my life? How would I figure out what that is and deal with it?

Edited February 14, 2010 by JessaL

[Len]

Hi Jessa, my ex used to struggle with the same thing, although it sounds as if you are no where near as bad as her as my ex often let things get the better of her. I am afraid I have no real answers. All I can say is that she seemed much more at peace with herself when on the pill and things only got really bad when she had a drink. From my perspective I believe things would have been better for both of us if she had sat me down and and described to me what was going on in her mind. Instead I was always left guessing and we men are not very good at that.

 

I can also say I am a mentally healthy male and that some of us do have the patience and understanding to deal with these things, most of the time ;-)

[JessaL]

I understand u because I was like you sometime ago. I managed to stop this behaviour by thinking positive of what happened not the negative of what happened. It will help you brighten things up in ur life, and in no time u would stop acting like tat =) Dont doubt it, just try it =) I really hoped I helped.

Thanks I wish it were that easy. Maybe with practice.

[JessaL]

Len - interesting insight about the pill and alcohol. I feel the same way regardless of birth control, but maybe I should talk to my doctor and try a different pill.

 

Thinking back on the times that I wasn't able to control myself, and my feelings were even more intense than usual, most of the incidents occured when I drank wine. Other types of alcohol don't seem to have that same effect on me.

 

That was really helpful, thanks.

[You'reasian]

Len - interesting insight about the pill and alcohol. I feel the same way regardless of birth control, but maybe I should talk to my doctor and try a different pill.

 

Thinking back on the times that I wasn't able to control myself, and my feelings were even more intense than usual, most of the incidents occured when I drank wine. Other types of alcohol don't seem to have that same effect on me.

 

That was really helpful, thanks.

 

Jessa, in addition to wine and bc - do you consume cafffeine as well?

 

Excess caffeine consumption can cause anxiety - not just the jitters.

 

Also what activities do you do to combat the anxiety?

Edited February 14, 2010 by You'reasian

[JessaL]

Jessa, in addition to wine and bc - do you consume cafffeine as well?

 

Excess caffeine consumption can cause anxiety - not just the jitters.

 

Also what activities do you do to combat the anxiety?

 

I do consume caffeine, but I don't believe in large quantities. I very rarely eat chocolate, and I don't drink soda. I drink about 2 cups of coffee every morning, but I alternate between regular and decaf.

 

I don't consistently do anything to deal with my anxiety; nothing has seemed to work well for me.

 

I tried keeping a journal, but I found that doing so caused me to focus and dwell on the negative thoughts even more than I already was.

 

In a previous relationship I did yoga twice a week and that seemed to help a lot; I've been thinking about trying that again.

 

Usually I try to do something to channel that energy elsewhere (read a book, creative writing, drawing, working out).

 

Unfortunately, when I start feeling this way/thinking these things (something sets me off) I sometimes have a couple/few drinks. This is something that I'm working on, and I've come a long way in this regard since college, when in response to negative thoughts/feelings or conflict I would throw myself into partying with my friends. (No, this did not include promiscuous behavior.)

[Len]

Jessa, in addition to wine and bc - do you consume cafffeine as well?

 

Excess caffeine consumption can cause anxiety - not just the jitters.

 

 

As a former caffeine freak I can second that.

 

Jessa, my ex was worst on wine too. I believe when on the pill the thoughts were still there, she was just able to control them better. Also she was a very petite girl and if her weight got below a certain level things would become worse.

 

I should also add that none of these things were the cause of her thoughts but being on the pill, avoidance of alcohol and staying above a certain weight helped keep things under control.

[You'reasian]

I don't consistently do anything to deal with my anxiety; nothing has seemed to work well for me.

 

I tried keeping a journal, but I found that doing so caused me to focus and dwell on the negative thoughts even more than I already was.

 

In a previous relationship I did yoga twice a week and that seemed to help a lot; I've been thinking about trying that again.

 

Usually I try to do something to channel that energy elsewhere (read a book, creative writing, drawing, working out).

 

The first statement you said was "nothing seemed to work well for me" - when you thought about it, wrote something, you came up with yoga 2x per week and activities that channel energy elsewhere - reading, creative writing, working out

 

You just came up with a plan to defeat these feelings! :bunny:

 

Unfortunately, when I start feeling this way/thinking these things (something sets me off) I sometimes have a couple/few drinks. This is something that I'm working on, and I've come a long way in this regard since college, when in response to negative thoughts/feelings or conflict I would throw myself into partying with my friends. (No, this did not include promiscuous behavior.)

 

Nothing wrong with having a drink now and then. Daily? I've read somewhere that a glass or two of wine is good for your heart health. More than that - probably not.

 

You're an extrovert. You re-charge by being around people. Its a misconception to think that extroverts are loud people - they just get their jollies by interacting with others.

 

Looking at what's worked for you and your personality, have you considered joining an activity such as a yoga/meditation class? group workout activity - where you can interact with others - such as an aerobics class, dance etc. or even a writers group (or forum).

Edited February 14, 2010 by You'reasian

[JessaL]

As a former caffeine freak I can second that.

 

Jessa, my ex was worst on wine too. I believe when on the pill the thoughts were still there, she was just able to control them better. Also she was a very petite girl and if her weight got below a certain level things would become worse.

 

I should also add that none of these things were the cause of her thoughts but being on the pill, avoidance of alcohol and staying above a certain weight helped keep things under control.

This is a good point, and good information. I do eventually want to change my thinking altogether, so that I don't have to make an effort to control these negative thoughts and feelings all the time

 

The first statement you said was "nothing seemed to work well for me" - when you thought about it, wrote something, you came up with yoga 2x per week and activities that channel energy elsewhere - reading, creative writing, working out

 

You just came up with a plan to defeat these feelings! :bunny:

You're right (haha), I'll have to make more of an effort to do those things.

 

I think the difference (that I see) is that when I was consistently doing yoga I had fewer negative thoughts, and I put a negative spin on things less often - things that previously would have bothered me a great deal didn't seem like such a big thing. The other activities are more just a way to try to distract myself from focusing too much on those thoughts/feelings, but they're still there.

 

In addition to that, I have a hard time distinguishing between things that really are or should be an issue, and things that I'm just being difficult (or insecure, or whatever) about.

 

In the past I've undermined myself, and allowed SOs to twist things and get out of things that really were a big issue (mostly in regards to boundaries with others), because of past arguments or disagreements over nonsense.

 

(The more I write the more of a mess I think I am!)

 

Nothing wrong with having a drink now and then. Daily? I've read somewhere that a glass or two of wine is good for your heart health. More than that - probably not.

 

You're an extrovert. You re-charge by being around people. Its a misconception to think that extroverts are loud people - they just get their jollies by interacting with others.

 

Looking at what's worked for you and your personality, have you considered joining an activity such as a yoga/meditation class? group workout activity - where you can interact with others - such as an aerobics class, dance etc. or even a writers group (or forum).

I think you're right. I also think that not feeling fulfilled in my own life right now might be contributing to my negative spin on things my SO does or says. I'm expecting to move soon, so I guess I've been using that as an excuse to not really make friends where I am now, or to get out and do things. But that's all it is: an excuse.

 

I really like the idea of a writer's forum, since that's not location-specific, so I really have no excuse.

[You'reasian]

This is a good point, and good information. I do eventually want to change my thinking altogether, so that I don't have to make an effort to control these negative thoughts and feelings all the time

 

You're right (haha), I'll have to make more of an effort to do those things.

 

I think the difference (that I see) is that when I was consistently doing yoga I had fewer negative thoughts, and I put a negative spin on things less often - things that previously would have bothered me a great deal didn't seem like such a big thing. The other activities are more just a way to try to distract myself from focusing too much on those thoughts/feelings, but they're still there..

 

Yoga is good for your mental health maintenance. Keep doing it. Its a better alternative then throwing yourself into parties -

 

see what a little communication can bring out?

 

 

In addition to that, I have a hard time distinguishing between things that really are or should be an issue, and things that I'm just being difficult (or insecure, or whatever) about.

 

In the past I've undermined myself, and allowed SOs to twist things and get out of things that really were a big issue (mostly in regards to boundaries with others), because of past arguments or disagreements over nonsense.

 

(The more I write the more of a mess I think I am!).

 

Sounds like you are at the beginning of a self-discovery phase. Wouldn't be suprised if you are in your late 20's early 30's or a young gal whose experienced A LOT in her life.

 

In regards to boundaries - each person has their own unique set. Communicate your boundaries to your SO and back it up by acting on them. Ask for his boundaries and figure out how to respect them.

 

Its a give and take, yes?

 

I think you're right. I also think that not feeling fulfilled in my own life right now might be contributing to my negative spin on things my SO does or says. I'm expecting to move soon, so I guess I've been using that as an excuse to not really make friends where I am now, or to get out and do things. But that's all it is: an excuse. I really like the idea of a writer's forum, since that's not location-specific, so I really have no excuse.

 

Its not too late to get out and do things. Even this boooring guy gets out and does things

Edited February 14, 2010 by You'reasian

[Itzonator]

I posted in the self-improvement section about this issue, but haven't gotten any responses.

 

Basically, I get angry, upset or annoyed over the smallest, most ridiculous things (this is directed almost entirely toward my romantic relationships, including current SO). I feel like I'm riding a rollercoaster sometimes, because one minute I think my SO is so amazing and sweet &etc., and the next I'm fantasizing about him cheating on me, or being indifferent toward me (and so on) because of something small that only an idiot would be upset about.

 

**I almost never tell my boyfriend about these things, and on the rare occasion he picks up on something I say that no I'm not mad and do my best to change my attitude**

 

But, I want these negative thoughts to stop. I am sick of them. I'm tired of the high/low feelings. I KNOW that I'm being ridiculous.

 

Can anyone help me? Has anyone been where I am, or dated someone and worked things out with them?

 

Sure, listen you have to stop the self-sabotage.

 

Do not trust the inner voice in your head, as you see it did not serve you well. Try to eliminate it as much as possible. When these thoughts come up say SHUT UP to yourself ... and try to relax, like never happened it is a little silly, but it works. Nobody is going to notice anyway

 

Over 90% of what worries you NEVER HAPPENS. Over 90% of the things that worry you are constructed by your inner voice. When you say something negative about yourself or a situation, or a person you feel anger, vengeance, helplessness, fatigue, and having those judgemental attitudes afterwords. The consequences are catastrophic. So take control over your life, and stop the inner talk that tell you what to do, because see when those automatic destructive messages are in your head, they are picked up by your subconscious, and obviously your subconscious does not know what is true & false ... it only reacts to the words that are produced by your inner voice. I like this metaphor like putting wood in the fire.

[Kamille]

I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you write here. I know that I struggle to assert my own boundaries because of past experiences. My first bf was a commitmentphobe and the second one always twisted everything around to his benefit.

 

Needless to say, I'm still working on adopting good relationship communication strategies: switching my thoughts from thinking my bf is only out for himself to realizing that he wants this relationship to work as much as I do.

 

This, for me, means not 'building a case' against him when something in the relationship bothers me (like say, when he continually lets work take over our love life). To instead bring it up calmly, mention what bothers me and trust that we will be able to communicate about this.

 

So far so good. And it is getting easier.

 

I guess my advice would be this: instead of letting things build up, find non-agressive ways to communicate about what bothers you.

[Devil Inside]

Jessa

 

You are a highly sensitive person. You have strong physiological reactions to your emotions. This is just how you are wired. There are many positive aspects to this as well. I bet you are really passionate, fun, and intense.

 

If you find that it becomes a problem for you I would seek the help of a therapist. There is a form of therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) it can be extremely helpful in not letting your emotions control your behavior through the use of life skills and the support of a therapist. You can check it out here if interested

 

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com

 

Good luck!

[D-Lish]

I'm getting a lot better about controlling my reactions and behavior, but I still can't control those kinds of thoughts.

 

You can't always control your feelings, but you do have the ability to control what you do with those feelings.

 

Remember when you were a kid and adults would suggest "deep breaths, count to ten"... It's so basic, but it's an effective tool. I used to be very reactionary. With my last bf, I'd sometimes feel an impending escalation of rage during some of our frustrating conversations. When I felt those coming on, I'd simply walk away and take a break, think it through, and come back with a clear head.

 

I still experience those moments when I feel that crazy emotion taking over- but I recognize the cues and take a break.

 

You have to learn to recognize the difference between a real problem and an illogical feeling. You can't always do that in the heat of the moment.

[JessaL]

Devil Inside & D-Lish, thank you both so much for your responses, they are very helpful

[JessaL]

Thanks Kamille.

 

How do you differentiate between things that are worthy of being talked about - things that really do matter - and silly things that aren't really of any consequence? I struggle with this a bit.

 

I know that if I talked to my SO every single time I got annoyed or upset it would just be non-stop Many of my so-called "issues" are short-lived also.

[You'reasian]

Thanks Kamille.

 

How do you differentiate between things that are worthy of being talked about - things that really do matter - and silly things that aren't really of any consequence? I struggle with this a bit.

 

I know that if I talked to my SO every single time I got annoyed or upset it would just be non-stop Many of my so-called "issues" are short-lived also.

 

Will this issue affect the core of the relationship? Does the issue cause one of you to cross someone's boundaries?

 

Then its worth discussing, face to face, hand in hand

 

If the issue is an annoyance, slip it into casual conversation - its not something that you need to have an official discussion about.

[Sassygirl2]

JessaL: I have a similar problem with my anxiety and becoming negative about things. I think this is what led my BF to ask for "Space" last week. He said that I always do something to ruin his fun or his good time. He has a very positive outlook on life and I tend to look at the negative. It's true and I don't know WHY I do this! I did it with my ex-husband too. He put up with it for YEARS and I ended up being the one who left the marriage. Go figure.

 

Anyway, I had a lot of negative experiences while growing up but I thought I had dealt with so much of it. Years of therapy and some medications when needed, seemed to help me get through a lot of my anger. Now, I am NOT in therapy and only take one medication for anxiety. I feel like my emotions are so raw all the time. When I was with my BF, I would just clam up and say nothing for fear that whatever I said would upset him or piss him off. I know that our relationship was not necessarily healthy for many reasons but it didn't help that he refused to communicate about anything that wasn't working. At least I was willing to talk about stuff but when I wanted to talk, he would call me a "drama queen."

 

I think in this world there are so many different kinds of people and that a lot of people are in touch with their feelings or they are not. Many people fear being hurt and don't want to deal with anything negative or unpleasant. These people (like my ex-bf) seem to go thru life happily but are they really happy??

[Itzonator]

Thanks Kamille.

 

How do you differentiate between things that are worthy of being talked about - things that really do matter - and silly things that aren't really of any consequence? I struggle with this a bit.

 

I know that if I talked to my SO every single time I got annoyed or upset it would just be non-stop Many of my so-called "issues" are short-lived also.

 

Maybe you just have grown up that way.

Maybe you are looking for drama all the time, and that was your reality in the past which you project in your present experiences. If you had chaos and mistreatment in your childhood, it might be the source of this behavior. I can only guess, but the answer of this question lies only within you.

 

The REAL source of anger comes when you do not want for something to happen again.

 

Example, you are angry at your bf, because he did not close the door. You were not angry at the door or at him, because he did not close the door, but you were angry, because you were not comfortable with the idea to happen again.

Edited February 15, 2010 by Itzonator

[Kamille]

Thanks Kamille.

 

How do you differentiate between things that are worthy of being talked about - things that really do matter - and silly things that aren't really of any consequence? I struggle with this a bit.

 

I know that if I talked to my SO every single time I got annoyed or upset it would just be non-stop Many of my so-called "issues" are short-lived also.

 

Will this issue affect the core of the relationship? Does the issue cause one of you to cross someone's boundaries?

 

Then its worth discussing, face to face, hand in hand

 

If the issue is an annoyance, slip it into casual conversation - its not something that you need to have an official discussion about.

 

 

Hand in hand! I love it! That's exactly what I'm learning to do: not to raise issues 'against' my SO but to raise them and work on them with him.

 

Raising an issue doesn't absolve me of being part of the issue - and raising an issue puts me in charge of finding and suggesting solutions to the issue. This means I have to listen to what he has to say and then work alongside him to find a compromise.

 

I think that self-awareness is also incredibly important in distinguishing 'real' issues from 'drama'. So now, when I feel uncomfortable, I try to first ask myself what it is about me that makes me feel this way (instead of trying to figure out what it is about the relationship -or bf- that makes me feel this way). Once I figure that out, I find it is easier for me to talk about it with bf. I'll give you an example.

 

BF and I have had issues lately. I've been over-analyzing and trying to figure out what the problem was in our R that made me feel so insecure. We've also been rocky as a result.

 

Yesterday, I came to the realization that I start to self-sabotage (overanalyze, need reassurance, etc) when I start feeling vulnerable. The more I like a guy, the likelier I am to have issues. So I'm trying to flip the script: yesterday I told bf that I'm really falling for him and that it makes me feel vulnerable. He was actually able to address that because it was me taking responsibility for how I feel. (Instead of me putting walls up and trying to overanalyze the relationship to see where it or he went wrong).

 

So it isn't really a question of figuring out which issues to raise and which to let go off, but rather a question of how to raise them, with what goal. Before I would raise issues to get reassurance. Now I raise issues to make the relationship stronger. If that makes sense.

 

Oh, and also, what You're Asian said .

[You'reasian]

The more I like a guy, the likelier I am to have issues. Oh, and also, what You're Asian said .

 

Making up new words. Love it!

[Els]

Hey, just to put the thought out there...

 

Have you always been like this? Or only after starting on the pill? Those hormones can affect us more than we realize - sometimes if you fix that, you may not even need to fix anything else.