fallendisguise Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t220720/?highlight=needy I just wanted to say thank you all for the advice and insight. After much debating, I had decided to break things off at the time and see if through time I could get back the feelings I had and the attraction I lost.. BUT... After the last three days, I don't think I will ever speak to him again. I am so glad that I listened to my gut and tried to do the best thing which is not lead him on incase I never did get those feelings back. I'm not sure if any of you have had this happen. But basically the minute he woke up until the minute he went to bed, I was getting non stop texts and phone calls. At first I tried to be supportive and listen to how he felt and try to re-explain my decision and then he showed a whole different side of him that I have never seen. He went from saying how much he loved me and couldn't believe this was happening, to belittling me and telling me to f off and that I was a b***h, saying how he should expect this from someone who doesn't have a dad (which is a super sore spot for me btw), to saying he wanted to end his life. After he started that and the fact that I was starting to feel harassed and afraid to go home at night, I very politely and kindly would say "please leave me alone." I didn't get mad, or saying anything mean. I tried to be polite and calm as possible. Finally, last night after texting me and calling me from 8 am to 9 p he said that he finally understands and that I made the right decision, that he doesn't want to do anything to hinder us getting back together. After the first day of harassment, I said that we would never get back together and I couldn't be his friend, which started the ending his life talk. I told him to please seek help and to think about how that would impact his loved ones. I finally told him that I wasn't going to reply to anymore of his texts last night and he agreed to leave me alone. WELL... I got some more texts tonight saying that he has so much to say and wishes he would've handled it differently. I understand a person's need to get everything off their chest and have closure, but I do not want him to think he can continue to call or text me or give him false hope about the future. I'm talking 13 or so calls a day and at least 75+ texts. I have everything saved, just incase he does try to do someting harmful. Is it inhumane of me to not reply to anything further in the future? I literally cannot handle any more of him trying to talk to me or about it. Yet, I don't want to make it worse and fuel the fire.
calazhage Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Sounds like he is hurting pretty bad.. You were spending almost every night with the guy, now left suddenly..Not really because of something he did wrong, but you were pulling away which made him push more and more..Become more needy. So yes, it seems you will have to endure some texts and calls, but I bet they will stop within a week or so..
skydiveaddict Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Is it inhumane of me to not reply to anything further in the future? I literally cannot handle any more of him trying to talk to me or about it. Yet, I don't want to make it worse and fuel the fire. No it's not inhumane. I just think you've had your fill of his neediness. He will learn a very painful, but important lesson from all this.Girls do NOT go for clingy guys. Thar's just the way it is. Girls like to feel loved and protected to be sure, but start smothering them by being needy, insecure and you are history. I think you did the only thing you could do.
JessaL Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Fallendisguise, this guy's behavior is not at all normal. You are right to continue to ignore him; please also make sure that your friends, family, someone close to you knows what's going on here. If you know a friend or family member of this guy, I would also suggest you let them know that this guy threatened to harm himself; or if he tells you that he is going to hurt himself, contact the authorities. Or, speak with a counselor or someone else who is equipped to deal with these types of situations.
bananaboat11 Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 ah... freaking out @ the end of a relationship happens all the time... we ALL do it when you're the dumpee... ...threatening suicide and being CLINGY during the relationship... hmmm if he stalks you... prepare to seek out a TRO. Temporary Restraining Order.
JessaL Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 ah... freaking out @ the end of a relationship happens all the time... we ALL do it when you're the dumpee... I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with you on this. Most people who get dumped do not "freak out" at the level the OP described (I'm not even talking about the threatening self-harm). I think I also read in the other thread that they had only been dating a month. If that is correct, I am even more creeped out by the behavior described here.
bananaboat11 Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with you on this. Most people who get dumped do not "freak out" at the level the OP described (I'm not even talking about the threatening self-harm). I think I also read in the other thread that they had only been dating a month. If that is correct, I am even more creeped out by the behavior described here. ok.. you are right. Not to the degree that the OP described... but we all beg for another chance with texts and phone calls until the dumper says 'go away'... everyone gets a little clingy after being dumped. You learn to live with it, go NC, and move on... the OP's ex... if only a month... holy crap. get a TRO now
Author fallendisguise Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 Bananaboat11, no he wasn't a rebound. I haven't had a real relationship in almost 5-6 years, just dated and had some long term dating relationships. I was waiting for the right person to have one with, but I really think I did a bad job with that this time around. LOL. I have let my family know. I was with them on Friday when he was sending all of the texts about ending his life and calling me. They couldn't help, but notice and have been checking up on me since then. I feel horrible, that I can no longer be supportive, but after a month and half this is not normal at all. I do agree that the "dumpee" does get a lil clingy. I've done it. Like "can we please work it out" and then when they say no absolutely not, I've left them alone. I just don't know how to handle this and I don't want to make this situation any worse. When I said we would never get back together and that I couldn't be friends he just went nuts. The calling and texting got worse. Thank you for reinforcing what I was thinking, that this is not normal. I don't want to have to get a TRO, because I don't know if that would show up on a background check for him and I don't want to mess anything up for him in the future because he was spazzing out now. But, if he starts showing up (which he hasn't thank goodness) I will.
counterman Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Yes, the person you gets dumped may get a bit "clingy" (although I wouldn't call it that) but there's such as thing as going overboard. Threatening to end your own life and calling and texting all the time is just absurd. He threw away every ounce of credibility and dignity he had and just reinforced the main reason why you broke up with him in the first place.
Author fallendisguise Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 He threw away every ounce of credibility and dignity he had and just reinforced the main reason why you broke up with him in the first place. Yes, this is exactly what I have been thinking. Hmmm, this is why we broke up and thank goodness I got out now because this is how bad it was going to get.
bluestraps Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 More people than you know do this, some worse than others . Call it text terrorism or what ever. I dont agree with harasment at all. Knowing just what this is all about ,I can tell you he's in that stage where He doesnt know what to do. He is acting desperate . Im sure he loves you in his own way, ?? The killing myself Is not good but its probably something he will not do. Is he that kind of guy. My ex girlfriend I think is in the same position as you are in now. See we met recently again, And started talking on phone And it seems as she still has felings for me ,even though she has a new boyfriend. We were talking and she told me the new guy didnt like her talking to me. So I got afraid and started arguing with her, but we had unresolved issues anyway. Im leaving her alone . So sometimes we just cant take the feelings we are having. It takes dicipline and experence to know how to act when relationships break up , something he suffers from. Just as a test, what would you do if he just acted fine with the breakup . No calls or texts or threats.
calazhage Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 (edited) Just as a test, what would you do if he just acted fine with the breakup . No calls or texts or threats. Good question.. Judging from the first sentence she would then miss him. Games. And his behavior is not that odd. I have had many friends do the same or worse. When I was younger I acted in a similar fashion once or twice. The op IMHO fits the sketch of a love addict..I know as I seem to have dated many in the past, and they all had the same method. In her original post, she loved that he was always giving her attention.. She was sleeping with him almost every night, and I am sure they were sharing some intimate moments.. Lots of sex, lots of feelings, love etc. Until he fell for her completely, then he is "needy". Here is an example of an exact situation I went through.. Weeks 1-2 The woman is wanting to spend every minute with me. She would say things like "You are the most important thing in my life" "I dont know how I lived without you so long".. Endless letters, emails, calls, texts..Hard for me to get off the phone at night as she will not let me. Weeks 2-6 Sex constantly, and talk of marriage, love, being together, the future..I start to get hooked and believe.. Then one night before bed she is completely different.. Just says "I am tired goodnight".. I call back to ask what is wrong, and she is a bit annoyed, says nothing.. Next few days she tells me she needs time.. I ask, ask, and ask what happened, during which time she drifts further.. She then says things like "Why are you needy", or "I dont want to talk about relationships all the time", until it ends. Many women out there are just like the above. Love the idea of being in love for sport, until they succeed then move onto the next. Edited February 14, 2010 by calazhage
lookin2wardthefuture Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 OMG you're dating my ex. Very sorrowful while trying to make things right, very vengeful and name- calling if you don't accept what is said at face value. You did the right thing. NOTHING will make things right with this type. Run to the nearest exit and don't look back. Although this type of man can come offf as scary, they're very childish and immature. It would take waaaay to much effort to do anything other than text or phone. Leave this guy in the dust!!!!!!
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