Blindgirl Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I have been separated for 6 months. We were married for 7 years and dated for 3. He asked me to marry him 2 weeks before I lost my eyesight. At that time I felt that my energy level would be too much for him, however, he insisted that my enthusiasm brought life to the relationship. I said yes. The first two years of the relationship was great. He was supportive and we really had fun together. At that time we lived in California and I was still working. In April, 2004 I lost so much eyesight I could not perform my job and had to quit. A year later he suggested that he retire and we move to a place that had a lower cost of living. I agreed. We moved to North Carolina. It has been 5 years now in North Carolina and I have adjusted, after 2 years, to the loss of my eyesight and have gained my independence again. For the past 3 years I have been bored silly and fighting depression. We bought a house that is not close to transportation with the agreement that he would drive me wherever I needed to go. I have a special transportation bus that will pick me up between 10-2 and take me places other than that I am dependent on him. For the past 2 years he has decided when and where I will go. We only go to places he wants to go, i.e., bowling, his family in Kentucky and submarine reunions. Whenever I suggest doing something he always has an excuse. For two years I suggested things we could do to have fun together. Things we did before we got married. I even did research online and gave all of the ifnormation to him to choose what he would want to do. He ignored me for 2 years, however, when one of his subvet buddies and his wife came for a visit, he did several of the things on the list I gave him to entertain them. Long story short, I got tired of fighting depression and moved out to an apartment that is close to public transportation. I found a job and am paying half the mortgage until the house sells. Needless to say, he is angry and says the situation is rediculous. Although 2 weeks after I said I wanted a divorce he was dating women online and leaving me alone, with no transportation, for days at a time. My husband did not physically abuse me he just ignored me. I am 59 and he is 64. When I looked into my furture 30 years from now, I just could not live like that for another 20-30 years. I do not have many friends here in North Carolina. I am attractive and finding a man is not an issue. However, I am hesitant about making friends with any males because all my relationships end up the same. Men isolate me and expect me to just take care of them and not have any other life besides them. I am confused. Why would a man be attracted to an independent, assertive, attractive woman and expect her to change and just remain at home and be satisifed?
hopesndreams Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I have been separated for 6 months. We were married for 7 years and dated for 3. He asked me to marry him 2 weeks before I lost my eyesight. At that time I felt that my energy level would be too much for him, however, he insisted that my enthusiasm brought life to the relationship. I said yes. The first two years of the relationship was great. He was supportive and we really had fun together. At that time we lived in California and I was still working. In April, 2004 I lost so much eyesight I could not perform my job and had to quit. A year later he suggested that he retire and we move to a place that had a lower cost of living. I agreed. We moved to North Carolina. It has been 5 years now in North Carolina and I have adjusted, after 2 years, to the loss of my eyesight and have gained my independence again. For the past 3 years I have been bored silly and fighting depression. We bought a house that is not close to transportation with the agreement that he would drive me wherever I needed to go. I have a special transportation bus that will pick me up between 10-2 and take me places other than that I am dependent on him. For the past 2 years he has decided when and where I will go. We only go to places he wants to go, i.e., bowling, his family in Kentucky and submarine reunions. Whenever I suggest doing something he always has an excuse. For two years I suggested things we could do to have fun together. Things we did before we got married. I even did research online and gave all of the ifnormation to him to choose what he would want to do. He ignored me for 2 years, however, when one of his subvet buddies and his wife came for a visit, he did several of the things on the list I gave him to entertain them. Long story short, I got tired of fighting depression and moved out to an apartment that is close to public transportation. I found a job and am paying half the mortgage until the house sells. Needless to say, he is angry and says the situation is rediculous. Although 2 weeks after I said I wanted a divorce he was dating women online and leaving me alone, with no transportation, for days at a time. My husband did not physically abuse me he just ignored me. I am 59 and he is 64. When I looked into my furture 30 years from now, I just could not live like that for another 20-30 years. I do not have many friends here in North Carolina. I am attractive and finding a man is not an issue. However, I am hesitant about making friends with any males because all my relationships end up the same. Men isolate me and expect me to just take care of them and not have any other life besides them. I am confused. Why would a man be attracted to an independent, assertive, attractive woman and expect her to change and just remain at home and be satisifed? He was hoping you would be needy and dependent with the loss of your eyesight. Some men are like that. You showed him otherwise.
Author Blindgirl Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 I finally came to that conclusion. A hard truth to accept though. I have listened to many women discuss their marriage and one thing seems to stand out. Those that have been married for several years seem to accept that their husbands will not spend time with them and they pursue different activities. It makes me wonder why women accept relationships where they are ignored as a person simply because they have been married for 20, 30 40 even 50 years? I was told by many of them that "that is the way marriage is, as long as he does not abuse you, it is no big deal". I have realized that we create our lives by our choices. If we choose to accept less, that is what we will get. I have read some threads on this site and I am wondering, would my husband seem just as heart broken and in pain from my leaving him, simply because he could not see how the relationship was destroying me? Would I be the bad guy in this scenario because I did not go along with the game?
carhill Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 My husband did not physically abuse me he just ignored me. would my husband seem just as heart broken and in pain from my leaving him, simply because he could not see how the relationship was destroying me? Would I be the bad guy in this scenario because I did not go along with the game? IME, based on what you've shared, my instinct is no on both counts. He simply won't care. You've gone through a live-changing event. IME, such events either bring a couple closer together or tear them apart. My sympathies regarding your result. As you have shared, life is too short and too precious to waste on unhealthy dynamics. It sounds like you are moving forward in a positive way. Best wishes
imagine Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Blindgirl, There is new technology that can restore eyesight but only if the eye mechanism itself is affected. This technology is not cheap. It involves scanning the environment and printing the resultant info directly into the brain. I do not know how this will work for a 59 year old or if it is viable. Please check with your doctor.
Author Blindgirl Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 Blindgirl, There is new technology that can restore eyesight but only if the eye mechanism itself is affected. This technology is not cheap. It involves scanning the environment and printing the resultant info directly into the brain. I do not know how this will work for a 59 year old or if it is viable. Please check with your doctor. Thank yiu for the information, imagine. My eyesight is not repairable and it is progressive. Believe it or not, the loss of my eyesight has changed my life for the better. As with any condition, whether it is diabetes, high bood pressure, heart disease, etc., it is a lifestyle change yes, however, it is not the end of life. Neither my husband nor I knew where I would land on the other side of my adjustment, I have become more stronger and independent than before I lost my eyesight. That is how it is though, either you embrace it or it destroys you. This website is wonderful! Reading the threas and being able to vent and speak to all those who are here I have discovered something. I am a new person now and my old life did not support the person that I have become. It isn't about my ex-husband, it is about me and how do I create my life as the new person that I have become.
mimidarlin Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Blindgirl, You are an inspiration for those of us struggling with a disease or disability. Neither my husband nor I knew where I would land on the other side of my adjustment, I have become more stronger and independent than before I lost my eyesight. That is how it is though, either you embrace it or it destroys you. It isn't an easy or quick process to come to terms with a diagnosis that changes meaning things in our life. If we don't embrace it or at least adapt to it to the best of our ability then it will destroy our sense of self. If we can confront our challenges and work trying to see our world in a new light we will collapse and not experience true joy again.
Author Blindgirl Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 Blindgirl, You are an inspiration for those of us struggling with a disease or disability. Neither my husband nor I knew where I would land on the other side of my adjustment, I have become more stronger and independent than before I lost my eyesight. That is how it is though, either you embrace it or it destroys you. It isn't an easy or quick process to come to terms with a diagnosis that changes meaning things in our life. If we don't embrace it or at least adapt to it to the best of our ability then it will destroy our sense of self. If we can confront our challenges and work trying to see our world in a new light we will collapse and not experience true joy again. The you for the validation it helps.
imagine Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I gotta say that all my blind friends are emotionally more perceptive.
Gunny376 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Its time to come HOME! And you know what I mean by that!
Author Blindgirl Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 Its time to come HOME! And you know what I mean by that! I am afraid I do not know what you mean, please explain. I do not know if blind people are more emotionally perceptive or is it that because we are blind we do not have the distractions that sighted people have. The center of our Universe is us and our window of perception changes from inside looking out, rather than looking outside in, therefore, if we are aware, we are able to see ourselves as we interact and learn more about ourselves.
Author Blindgirl Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 Its time to come HOME! And you know what I mean by that! Now I get you:laugh: I truly did not understand that you meant go HOME (back to my ex), it did not even cross my mind. I believe love is not about the other person, it is about you. I do not need you around me to have my love for you, loving my ex is a gift, a feeling that is totally mine. A person who does not "see" me and interacts with me as a possession does not deserve to experience the love I have for them. My love is a gift that I share with you, it is not to be taken for granted, if you take it for granted you are not worthy of the gift, because that love is the most precious gift I can bestow on another human being. I am not saying my husband did not love me, I am saying that how he expressed his love was not healthy for me and it was up to me whether I chose to shutdown and isolate myself to have his love, or to choose to live and walk away. I tried shutting down for 3 years and developed diabetes, high blood pressure and depression. It took me 3 months after I left him to get off the meds and the depression lifted immediately. Do I still love him, yes, and I thank God every day for that gift. Will I ever go back? He chose himself over my well being and would not compromise. His pride left me few options.
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