bandits Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Hi, I'm new & hope someone can give me some good advice for my dilemna... I just started dating this guy the other day. We met awhile ago but neither of us were single then. Anyway, we talked now & liked each other so he asked me out as in 'be my girlfriend.' So we had that conversation & our one-time meeting to go on...that's it...and now he's telling me he loves me. I don't feel it so fast...it's called infatuation & I'm plenty old enough & smart enough to know the difference between the two. However I did say it back to avoid even more awkwardness in an already awkward situation. That's only part of the problem... He came to my house, not exactly a date but I guess you could say it was our first date, and basically all he wanted to do was make-out right from the get-go. I personally need to feel a good emotional connection with someone before I really want to take it to a physical level. I love to talk. I want to talk a lot, have fun together, then kiss later on...say at the end of a date...and if the first date went well, then I'll kiss, but I don't feel ready for a big ole make-out session on the first date either. Wait till we know each other better. Maybe I'm in the minority on this?? but that's just how I feel. Men all seem the same way as this guy on this..at least the last few I've dated have. Anyway, we kissed but I felt extremely uncomfortable & I held back, meaning I kissed him but I wasn't very into it & I kept it as distant & chaste as I could so he wouldn't keep going further. He kept trying to get me on his lap & I kept saying no & he'd like playfully pull me on him. It bothered me then but it's bothering me even more today. I'm scared. I've told him I like to take things slow. That didn't feel slow to me, and I'm afraid to be alone with him now. While he was just being playful, he was moving me around a lot, and I know he could easily overpower me & that made me aware of it & so I'm scared now that he might force himself on me or something. So what do I do? I know you're always supposed to trust your intuition, I just don't wanna make him mad...that scares me also. With Valentines day coming up, we're supposed to see each other then. As I said, I don't want to be alone with him, I don't even want to get in a car with him. I really dont' know if I should even bother seeing him tomorrow, I've tried to think of ways that we could do something as long as we're not alone, but 1.) I don't know how to go about saying I won't get in a car with you... and 2.) once trust is gone for me, that's pretty much it...But I dont' want to make him mad either, like I said...so how do I get out of this? Should I try to make him not like me? Should I end it? Make up excuses? Please help, I'd really appreciate any advice.
You'reasian Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 You're not into him in that way. Tell him you're not ready for the next step and that you should spend more time talking first. Simple.
sid3 Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Lets see, one meeting and he says he loves you. You say you love him too, to avoid an akward moment. Weird! You have him over to your house so soon, of course he thinks he's getting some.After all, he thinks you love him. So the question is why would you lock lips if your heart wasn't in it. Did you feel threatened by him. Are you worried he will get violent when you say you don't want to make him mad. I think you should cancel and be honest with him before you create even more trouble for yourself. You can't tell people things they want to hear to avoid akwardness, it blows up in your face and puts you in a bad position. Scary but true, some guys don't listen to the word no. Thats why you should be careful.
You'reasian Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Lets see, one meeting and he says he loves you. You say you love him too, to avoid an akward moment. Weird! You have him over to your house so soon, of course he thinks he's getting some.After all, he thinks you love him. So the question is why would you lock lips if your heart wasn't in it. Did you feel threatened by him. Are you worried he will get violent when you say you don't want to make him mad. I think you should cancel and be honest with him before you create even more trouble for yourself. You can't tell people things they want to hear to avoid akwardness, it blows up in your face and puts you in a bad position. Scary but true, some guys don't listen to the word no. Thats why you should be careful. And some people can't say no for some reason. Definitely cancel.
Author bandits Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 Thanks. I know it sounds odd. Yes, I felt threatened I guess, pressured, etc. When I say I'm scared, I don't know about him being violent...I have no clue...I became really aware of how much he could overpower me & the fact that he kept lifting me up & moving me around made me uncomfortable, like he's trying to control me. It made me think that well what if he was mad, what would happen. Also, he knows where I live. I plan on canceling, I just don't know exactly what to say. Telling him that I'm not ready yet and want to talk more sounds fine. This whole thing has put me off so much though, that I don't really want to stay in contact. So if I said I'm just not ready to date right now, I thought I was but I'm not, would that work?
fallendisguise Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Bandits, I think you should say that you aren't ready to date and don't give him any false hope that you are going to stay in contact. You should listen to your intuition and if you feel that you don't want to be alone with him please, please don't. There is a good reason why you are feeling that way. The fact that he just told you he loves you is kind of a flag in my opinion. But, then I'm biased as I just had a guy do that to me after a month and now won't leave me alone and is acting pyschotic. LOL. Also, the fact that whether you said it back and him thinking he is going to get some action, doesn't excuse the fact that he did not respect your wishes to take things slow and not make out. If he is having to "pull" you on to his lap and "throw" you around, he should've known that you didn't want to, period. Anyone who is conscious of another persons actions, knows that you can't try to force them and that is exactly what it sounds like. I really do think that maybe you should follow your intuition on this.
Author bandits Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 Thanks fallendisguise, and good luck with the one who won't leave you alone. I wrote him tonight and told him.
Satisfaction Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I'm sure this guy likes you but he has also realised that you are nice and hate to hurt people's feelings. So he is pushing hard to get sex as soon as possible. I personally don't like guys who do this. I would immediately distance myself from someone who did this. Perhaps he is just really eager and is not thinking straight. You shouldn't let him push you to meet up in private again. If he means well for you he will be a little hurt but he will accept it. If he does not then he will make it a big deal and cause a fuss make you feel really guilty and then leave. As for Valentine's day he should take you out somewhere nice and have an amazing gift for you. None of this has to be expensive but it should be something he has spent alot of time and effort on. About strength, you should feel intimidated by a guys strength. Guys are just naturally strong they can't help that. A guy the same height and size as you will be stronger than you. Just because he has made himself look vulnerable by saying he loves you too quickly doesn't mean you can trust him not to hurt you though. Try not to let a guy in your house before the first date again ok. Best to you.
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