Are there any emotionally available men in the world?

[MizzBella]

So...apparently I have a hard time finding an emotionally available man.

 

I am a very attractive and successful woman with my own house and 2 well-behaved children (ages 5 and 6). My ex-H isn't problematic and I don't create much drama in relationships...but I have the hardest time finding an emotionally available man.

 

The first man I dated after divorcing was really great for the first 6 months - he complimented me constantly, brought gifts, etc. The he started to withdraw a lot - it got to the point where he would only call once a week and hang out every Friday. I began to complain, which prompted him to withdraw further until our relationship imploded. This relationship was highly physical, and the sex was amazing...so it was weird to me that he withdrew like that.

 

A few months after that relationship ended, I began to date another guy. Though we are really attracted to each other, we decided to hold off on a physical relationship. At first he brought me many gifts (so many I was a bit overwhelmed), took me out a lot, and called and texted multiple times a day. After just 2 months, he was talking to me about the possibility of marriage...and I didn't get too involved in those conversations, but made it clear to him it might be something I would be interested in sometime in the future. Now, 3 months later, he calls maybe once every couple of days and has broken plans with me a few times in the last 2 weeks. Yesterday he broke plans with me again saying that he had a hard week and just wanted to relax- and unfortunately I gave in to my feeling of neediness and threw a bit of a tantrum on the phone saying things like, "I love you, want to be next to you, why can't you relax with me?" and other stupid needy things. After that I felt like ***** and went to bed at 7pm. I decided not to call him because I knew it would only make things worse, and of course he hasn't bothered to call me today at all.

 

I can't figure out what I am doing wrong in relationships that makes men really interested in me at first and then prompts them to withdraw around the 5/6 month mark. I am not overly clingy even though I would like to be. I have lots of interests and friends, etc. I understand that the responsibility of my 2 kids must not be an easy thought, but both of them knew I had kids when they started dating me. I just don't get how they can be really emotionally available at first and then so distant and cold later on.

 

So, men....why does this happen?

[The Paper Knight]

Hey MizzBella, you sound like a really solid woman, with lots of great attributes. I have only ever dated a mother once and I didnt find it a problem, although the relationship only lasted a month, so I am probably not the best guy to comment.

 

The first guy sounds like he was in it for the lust and maybe you as well and this is never a good basis for a long term relationship.

 

The second guy that mentioned marriage after two months, was probably just testing how needy you may be and you handle the situation well, making him feel insecure.

 

Your kids will always come first and allot of guys will find that hard to deal with, so maybe the best kind of guys of date are ones in a similar cicumstance as yourself. Which would make the commitment a an even playing field.

[abdellost]

To be honest, the last 2 weeks i been thinking. Are guys jerks and unemotionally available for women just cause they are?

 

I am a great guy and i am not conceited so you can tell that i honestly see myself something a lot of girls would die for. One girl apparently died for me soo much, didnt think she can make me happy, destoryed herself within herself without me knowing and after 5 years left me in the dark. After 5 years of me every day telling her how lucky i am to have her, that shes gorgous. i never once lied to her, told her misleading information. Never looked at another girl or had temptation for another. It was all her and she was the thing i would die for. She would cry if i was not all over her, telling her shes amazing and stuff, she would feel shes losing me. Then out of the blue she breaks it up saying she cant take it anymore, lying to herself saying everything will work out (i was her first love, guy , date,kiss, etc). till now i am confused. How the hell where we so perfect that everyone thought it was impossible for us to break up? I know friends who broke up with their partners 2 days after our break up because "theres no such thing as love after what i saw happen to you".

 

So yea, it will take a lot of good hunting to find a guy thats still emotionally willing to go through a relationship. Because for me, i think it is almost impossible for me to love and trust another girl again, after being TOO good to her.

[MizzBella]

Thank you for the answers here.

 

I did end being able to have a talk with my current boyfriend. It turns out that he is having some issues dealing with the fact my ex-H will always be in the picture and that my 2 children will likely never see him as a father figure. I tried to reassure him that I have no interest in my ex romantically, but it is obviously impossible to know how my children will interact with my bf in the future. So far, he has only seen them 2 times. Both of my kids see their dad 2-3 times a week and love him very much, so my bf is right in thinking that my kids will never see him as a father. But my kids are both very extroverted, warm, and accepting of new people.

 

He would like to continue dating me, and wants to get to know my children better. But now I am worried that he is basing our relationship on how my children behave and how my children accept him into their lives - which essentially he is. Fortunately, he does like children and would like to have some of his own, but I am sure this isn't an easy situation for him.

[Woggle]

There are but they quickly wise up after they find out it gets them nowhere with women. I am not saying you are like this but too often men open up emotionally only to have it used against them so many stay guarded.

[MizzBella]

Thanks Woggle,

 

No, I have been through enough in life to know what I should cherish. And I would never take advantage of an emotionally available man.

[Woggle]

Thanks Woggle,

 

No, I have been through enough in life to know what I should cherish. And I would never take advantage of an emotionally available man.

 

Then in time you should find what you are looking for.

[paleblue]

maybe you should consider going on a couple more dates and see if there is someone else more compatible with you. i dont think it a good sign you are running into these kind of issues 5/6 months down the road. that is not jack squat for time together. you sound like a very smart, good looking woman who wont have a problem meeting new people. it doesnt sound like to me you are doing anything wrong. it just sounds like maybe you havent met the right guy. i never minded my woman being clingy. it made me feel good and i would reciprocate. so there are guys out there that are emotionally supportive.

 

i think its a crap excuse from the second one, and i dont think you are being needy at all. you just know something is up. he was there before when he was having a rough week, he should be able to be there now when he is having a rough week.

Edited February 16, 2010 by paleblue

[MizzBella]

Thanks for the response paleblue.

 

Trying to go on more dates sounds like a great solution, but these men seemed very emotionally availbale to me at first, so I am afraid the same cycle will be repeated...and that I will then be wasting another 5-6 months of my life.

 

My current bf had been great up until a couple of weeks ago, and during the past 2 days he has been great again, so I'll give him a bit of time to decide if my 2 children are too much for him to deal with (even though this is really stressful for me).

 

I have heard of many women complain that men seem really into the relationship until the women finally fall in love. Perhaps that is the problem in my case. In both of the above cases, the men seemed to withdraw around the time I reciprocated the "I love you" statement. In both cases, the men told me that they loved me before I told them, but maybe they really enjoyed the chase more than the possibility of a stable loving relationship.

[CaliGuy]

Most men have found what I have found. The minute you become emotionally available, women run. They want more mysterious men (at least from my experience).

 

It's really hard for some of us men to find emotionally mature women like you. Especially in California.

[MizzBella]

Most men have found what I have found. The minute you become emotionally available, women run. They want more mysterious men (at least from my experience).

 

It's really hard for some of us men to find emotionally mature women like you. Especially in California.

 

 

Thanks for your input CaliGuy,

 

At this point I don't want a mysterious man at all. I want a normal, stable, loving, loyal, emotionally available man.

 

The past few days my bf has been back to normal, so I have no idea what was going on with him other than his issues with my ex and 2 kids (and I don't know if those issue were the real reason for his weird behavior). We're now going out of town for the weekend together...hopefully it will go well. Unfortunately, I am a bit jumpy due to his recent behavior. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it isn't easy.

 

Have any of you childless guys dated women with kids? What were your major issues with the situation? I am sure it can be stressful - taking on not only a woman, but 2 kids too.

[TheLoneSock]

So...apparently I have a hard time finding an emotionally available man.

 

That's because guys learn very early on that this sort of thing only gets them hurt. I'm sure you've done your fair share of heartbreaking, especially if you are as attractive as you say you are. It's inevitable.

[CaliGuy]

Have any of you childless guys dated women with kids? What were your major issues with the situation? I am sure it can be stressful - taking on not only a woman, but 2 kids too.

 

Yep, doesn't work either. It's really hard to be #3 in a relationship as a man when you make your S/O #1. Not sure how other guys do it.

[skydiveaddict]

Yep, doesn't work either. It's really hard to be #3 in a relationship as a man when you make your S/O #1. Not sure how other guys do it.

 

 

Have to agree I couldn't make it roll either. I'm still hurting over that one

[pureinheart]

Most men have found what I have found. The minute you become emotionally available, women run. They want more mysterious men (at least from my experience).

 

It's really hard for some of us men to find emotionally mature women like you. Especially in California.

 

Screw the mysterious men (not literal interpretation), lol I find that to be true for the men in CA....so have given up.

[CaliGuy]

Have to agree I couldn't make it roll either. I'm still hurting over that one

 

I have the utmost respect for my brother-in-law. My sister had 4 kids when they got married (none his). He was at best 5th in line of importance. While I understand my sister's position, I don't know how my bro-in-law did it. I mean, I would said "screw this" and left but he's stuck it out. They have a son together and now two of her kids are out of the house so it's getting easier. But still....

 

And having dated women with kids, there's the babysitter issue every time you want to do something, etc. I think it's easier if both couples have kids. Then it's easier to handle IMHO because both sides are understanding.

 

Screw the mysterious men (not literal interpretation), lol I find that to be true for the men in CA....so have given up.

 

Look for the transplants. I'm not from California and I have never embraced the CA style of living. I don't lust for money, power or fame. I don't compare myself to my neighbors and I'm not all about the arm candy. It's crazy to live here with the outlook on life that I have. That's probably why I should move back to the East Coast or Western Europe haha.

[GrayClouds]

- he complimented me constantly, brought gifts, etc.

 

took me out a lot, and called and texted multiple times a day. After just 2 months, he was talking to me about the possibility of marriage.

 

I just don't get how they can be really emotionally available at first and then so distant and cold later on.

 

So, men....why does this happen?

 

Likely these men where never available, their behaviors; constant compliments, gifts, multiple calls and text suggest insecurity over availability. It appears you see these actions as availability when usually a front to give the perception of intamcy without having to deliver it for real. To talk about marriage in two months communicates this individual has no real understanding what commitment is and at best ignorance to the complexity of emotional intimacy, at worst, a disrespect for it.

 

I would ask what your perception of emotional availability is, and if possible you may mistake intensity for availability and having a difficult time distinguishing the difference.

 

I suspect it is not the men that are changing it is your inability to identify these guy early on is the problem.

[carhill]

Here's a key dynamic to watch for, from someone who's always been emotionally 'available'.

 

Intimacy is a two-way street and is proactive on both sides. When I'm interested in and attracted to a woman, I seek to get to know her on all levels and value greatly the intimacy we develop and what she shares with me. The boundary is it must be a two-way street. When I get the sense that it's becoming all about her (the 'intimacy' only regards her emotional needs and wants), I enforce the boundary. I did it in my marriage by communicating first and then getting my needs met elsewhere when that was fruitless, then divorcing. Now, as a divorced man, dating, when I get the sense that a woman's world is small and she fills it completely, I accept that and move on. This annoys women, that they actually have to be interested in and value a man's emotional needs to have an emotionally available man in their life. It's the price you pay, just as I pay that price every day to enjoy the company of a woman. Equality. Thanks for listening

[pureinheart]

I have the utmost respect for my brother-in-law. My sister had 4 kids when they got married (none his). He was at best 5th in line of importance. While I understand my sister's position, I don't know how my bro-in-law did it. I mean, I would said "screw this" and left but he's stuck it out. They have a son together and now two of her kids are out of the house so it's getting easier. But still....This is the difference mostlikely between love and lust...I had a couple of friends that M women with 5 or so kids...they are both doing well.

 

And having dated women with kids, there's the babysitter issue every time you want to do something, etc. I think it's easier if both couples have kids. Then it's easier to handle IMHO because both sides are understanding.

 

 

 

Look for the transplants. I'm not from California and I have never embraced the CA style of living. I don't lust for money, power or fame. I don't compare myself to my neighbors and I'm not all about the arm candy. It's crazy to live here with the outlook on life that I have. That's probably why I should move back to the East Coast or Western Europe haha.

 

I understand how you feel, although CA does need you...lol bigtime.

 

Ya tell me about it, after being born and raised here, I really haven't fit in as well, although I know it is where God wants me. Materialism...ha...I've never had time for that. After having a lot, having little...the most important thing is having a roof over my head and food (hyperthyroid, so I must have food and lots of it...lol).

[threebyfate]

He would like to continue dating me, and wants to get to know my children better. But now I am worried that he is basing our relationship on how my children behave and how my children accept him into their lives - which essentially he is. Fortunately, he does like children and would like to have some of his own, but I am sure this isn't an easy situation for him.

But MizzBella, this makes sense. He should be worried about this and so should you. In order for your relationship to move forward, the family dynamics have to gel.

 

For the sake of discussion, let's pretend they don't get along. Would you honestly expect that your children should live in an environment where they can't stand their stepfather and he dislikes them in return? Imagine how this will emotionally affect your children, to not have a safe harbour home.

[pureinheart]

So...apparently I have a hard time finding an emotionally available man.

 

I am a very attractive and successful woman with my own house and 2 well-behaved children (ages 5 and 6). My ex-H isn't problematic and I don't create much drama in relationships...but I have the hardest time finding an emotionally available man.

 

The first man I dated after divorcing was really great for the first 6 months - he complimented me constantly, brought gifts, etc. The he started to withdraw a lot - it got to the point where he would only call once a week and hang out every Friday. I began to complain, which prompted him to withdraw further until our relationship imploded. This relationship was highly physical, and the sex was amazing...so it was weird to me that he withdrew like that.

 

A few months after that relationship ended, I began to date another guy. Though we are really attracted to each other, we decided to hold off on a physical relationship. At first he brought me many gifts (so many I was a bit overwhelmed), took me out a lot, and called and texted multiple times a day. After just 2 months, he was talking to me about the possibility of marriage...and I didn't get too involved in those conversations, but made it clear to him it might be something I would be interested in sometime in the future. Now, 3 months later, he calls maybe once every couple of days and has broken plans with me a few times in the last 2 weeks. Yesterday he broke plans with me again saying that he had a hard week and just wanted to relax- and unfortunately I gave in to my feeling of neediness and threw a bit of a tantrum on the phone saying things like, "I love you, want to be next to you, why can't you relax with me?" and other stupid needy things. After that I felt like ***** and went to bed at 7pm. I decided not to call him because I knew it would only make things worse, and of course he hasn't bothered to call me today at all.

 

I can't figure out what I am doing wrong in relationships that makes men really interested in me at first and then prompts them to withdraw around the 5/6 month mark. I am not overly clingy even though I would like to be. I have lots of interests and friends, etc. I understand that the responsibility of my 2 kids must not be an easy thought, but both of them knew I had kids when they started dating me. I just don't get how they can be really emotionally available at first and then so distant and cold later on.

 

So, men....why does this happen?

 

What you described with the "showering" effect sometimes is a character flaw or form of abuse, meant to "draw" you in, only to leave you hanging after awhile. Then the abuse starts, and because you were treated so good at first, your left standing there going, "what just happened?"...some stay in these abusive relationships and they escalate...it's like dangling a carrot in front of you...."see what you can have if you are good"....that is what my old bf did to me, it really messed me up because I am nieve to a degree.

 

You communicated being attractive and having most together...this is scary I think for some...why I don't know, you'd think your sitch would be a good thing right? Who knows...I know you said things are working with your bf, so posting could have been just a release, and I really hope that is the case...good luck with love!

[MizzBella]

Thank you all for the comments on my situation. They are really helpful.

 

For those men who were not able to date women with children - I do agree that dating a man with a child(ren) would be a good option for me, but the fact is my current bf does not have any children. I do understand his position and fear - but I am very stable and so are my kids, so I still think it could possibly work if he continues communicating well (as he has been this week)...but maybe I am just dreaming.

 

I have 50/50 physical custody of my children, so going out on dates and spending time alone with my bf is not at all a problem. While (of course) my children are always 1st in my life, I really do understand that my bf has needs and I make a lot of time for him. I don't think he has ever felt left out or 3rd best - at least he has never complained about that. He is very independent, has lots of friends, and a dog to tend to also.

 

Caliguy - your brother-in-law is certainly a brave man and must love your sister very much.

 

pureinheart - Thanks for your post. I have been with an emotionally abusive man before (didn't work out so well for him since I don't put up with any crap), and I am pretty sure this one is not one of them. I think his normal tendency is to spoil his gf with gifts, but right now he is just stressed about not knowing how he and my children are going to get along so he was being distant while he thought about it.

 

And as for the talk about marriage - we are both in our 30s and he does want a wife, so the conversation was about the possibility of marriage in the future - not a proposal or anything.

Edited February 18, 2010 by MizzBella

[paleblue]

Likely these men where never available, their behaviors; constant compliments, gifts, multiple calls and text suggest insecurity over availability. It appears you see these actions as availability when usually a front to give the perception of intamcy without having to deliver it for real. To talk about marriage in two months communicates this individual has no real understanding what commitment is and at best ignorance to the complexity of emotional intimacy, at worst, a disrespect for it.

 

I would ask what your perception of emotional availability is, and if possible you may mistake intensity for availability and having a difficult time distinguishing the difference.

 

I suspect it is not the men that are changing it is your inability to identify these guy early on is the problem.

 

 

What you described with the "showering" effect sometimes is a character flaw or form of abuse, meant to "draw" you in, only to leave you hanging after awhile. Then the abuse starts, and because you were treated so good at first, your left standing there going, "what just happened?"...some stay in these abusive relationships and they escalate...it's like dangling a carrot in front of you...."see what you can have if you are good"....that is what my old bf did to me, it really messed me up because I am nieve to a degree.

 

You communicated being attractive and having most together...this is scary I think for some...why I don't know, you'd think your sitch would be a good thing right? Who knows...I know you said things are working with your bf, so posting could have been just a release, and I really hope that is the case...good luck with love!

 

Not my thread – but holy! this is exactly what my ex gf at work did/does to me. The Showering Effect. I cant believe I wasn’t able to think this before! im usually a smart cookie. but I have never seen this concept posted on any of the threads. never could quite put my finger on her. There was always that mystery to her behavior, her simplistic ways, that kept me endlessly ruminating. She- grew up in the ghetto. Me- a suburbia kid completely naïve living in my “nice” leave it to beaver world never exposed to this kind of crap. This is exactly what she does to a T. tooo a T. Huge show up front – when we met she wanted to move right in. flattered me every way possible. Gifts, promises of love, -you name it. didn’t even know each other. I was completely taken by it. thought wow this girl really likes me, let me get in on this!! Ennnnt. Wrong. it was a show. I can not believe I was soo stupid. I guess I just soo wanted something in my life I didn’t stop to think. I just believed! How naïve. Wow.

 

I guess its true what they say - colored lights really can hypnotize. and every time she would break – she would do it over and over and over. No wonder why she was “bored” with things. It wasn’t any kind of challenge for her. She wasn’t trying to be anything, she was just “playing”. And me, idiot, didn’t see it for what it was. Me, spending endless amounts of time ruminating on pieces of the puzzle, when I should have been looking at her dynamics in order to deal with the situation. Wow. Its really kinda simple concept when you think about it. In fact I would go so far as to say overly simple. but that’s me, always looking for complex answers when something simple is starring me right in the face. Looking to build Hoover dam, or trying to engineer and empire, instead of skipping across the rocks just upstream. Always been like that. She tripped me up hard. She got me. I got played. Ok….

 

Soo maybe deep down I am more annoyed at being played than the actual relationship not working out. as the actual relationship really wasn’t that fulfilling. I feel like I have been stuck in some kind of endless psychological warfare. You guys are smart. Going to try and do a little forward thinking on this. So if/when I hear from her – (usually when her world is falling apart) - I will be better equipped to recognize and deal. Interesting.

 

Nowwww I realize even more so this is why it is sooo important to come across to them, as happy, laughing, doing great in my life, don’t even care, when you talk to these kind of people. You play them just like they are playing you. Its kinda devious behavior when you think about it.

 

No wonder she got sooo upset when I said “player” all those years ago. like overly upset. And I was just joking. Wow. Idiotttttt.