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Is he not doing the same to w and ow

scatterd

By scatterd
in The Other Man / Woman

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scatterd Established Member

scatterd

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i HEAR YOU OTHER WOMAN SAY THAT YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THE W WOULD STICK AROUND WHEN THEIR HUSBAND LIES TO THEM AND THY ARE SLEEPING WITH YOU.I JUST THINKING IN ALL FAIRNESS ARE YOU NOT DOING THE SAME THING.NOT MEANT RUDE BUT THINK ABOUT THEY DO THE SAME TO YOU AND US.:bunny::bunny:

Edited by scatterd
seren Established Member

seren

Posted
Posted (edited)

I often think the overwhelming difference between OP and BS is that the OP makes a decision to continue their relationship knowing there is another person. The BS is an unwilling participant and enables the AP to have the A because they are often supporting their lifestyle, home life, looking after the children etc.

I do think that both get the AP version of events and seldom do they bear any relation to the truth. Personally, anyone who thinks they get the truth, I include OP and BS, is just blowing smoke up their own backsides.

 

I would have just loved the choice of supporting him and our marriage while the A was going on, would have saved me a lot of propping him up during a bad time for us both, he could have dealt with the crap instead of me thinking he was stressed (he was) and I could have been out and about.

Edited by seren
Sorry thought thread was on IF forum, not bashing anyone.
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scatterd Established Member

scatterd

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I AGREE BUT THEY STICK AROUND AS WE DO BUT WE HAVE HISTORY.iTS NOT FAIR TO KNOCK US BECAUSE WE PROMISED COMMITMENT WHEN WE MARRIED IT DOES NOT MEAN WE ALWAYS KNOW OR HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.I DONT THINK ALOT OF THE TIME ITS BECAUSE OF WHAT THE WIES DOING ITS HOW YOU DEAL WITH CHANGES.

hopesndreams Established Member

hopesndreams

Posted
Posted
I AGREE BUT THEY STICK AROUND AS WE DO BUT WE HAVE HISTORY.iTS NOT FAIR TO KNOCK US BECAUSE WE PROMISED COMMITMENT WHEN WE MARRIED IT DOES NOT MEAN WE ALWAYS KNOW OR HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.I DONT THINK ALOT OF THE TIME ITS BECAUSE OF WHAT THE WIES DOING ITS HOW YOU DEAL WITH CHANGES.

 

The W is the last to know. By the time she does figure out she is married to a lying cheating bum her self-esteem is so in the toilet that she hangs on to the M with her fingernails. But, when she has had chance to wrap her head around what is the cause of the M breakdown, and knows he is scum, she will kick him to the curb.

GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

Posted
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OP:

 

Both women want the man and will believe the best in him.

 

It's actually pretty simple. There's a disconnect because it becomes a competition of sorts when it comes to light, if it does end in a d-day.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted
I AGREE BUT THEY STICK AROUND AS WE DO BUT WE HAVE HISTORY.iTS NOT FAIR TO KNOCK US BECAUSE WE PROMISED COMMITMENT WHEN WE MARRIED IT DOES NOT MEAN WE ALWAYS KNOW OR HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.I DONT THINK ALOT OF THE TIME ITS BECAUSE OF WHAT THE WIES DOING ITS HOW YOU DEAL WITH CHANGES.

 

stop shouting (turn your caps lock off) :rolleyes:

 

it's simple - most often the W knows something is off - but she's in the dark about the A. he lies! she believes the lies because she needs to/wants to - even if her gut tells her otherwise.

 

the other twist is that some wives don't have the courage or resources to change... change their life...

 

another thing - some MM don't want it to change - so they spend a lot of effort keeping both women in the place he wants them (with him). he likes having both. both believe his lies because they want to believe them.

 

change is hard for most. people like their comfort zone even if it's not ideal.

Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
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Why are you shouting?

 

I never felt that I was in competition with his wife. He was responsible for his choices and "risking" his marriage was right there in his court. I own my decision and he needed to own his. Also it was expected that neither one of us was sleeping with anyone else (this I know to be a fact on both ends). So that plus the other aspects of our relationship, I never felt like what he was doing there he was doing with me.

 

While I don't understand why she stuck around after her affair I fully understand her reaction to finding out about his and something I warned him about months in advance. The affair was going to be come the catch all for everything and any other issues in the marriage, her affair, etc was not going to be focused on. And that is how it panned out. Rejection is a hard emotion to overcome, I have dealt with my issues with it, and it can drive a person to insanity. I completely understand why she did everything she did towards him and towards me.

MizFit Established Member

MizFit

Posted
Posted
i HEAR YOU OTHER WOMAN SAY THAT YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THE W WOULD STICK AROUND WHEN THEIR HUSBAND LIES TO THEM AND THY ARE SLEEPING WITH YOU.I JUST THINKING IN ALL FAIRNESS ARE YOU NOT DOING THE SAME THING.NOT MEANT RUDE BUT THINK ABOUT THEY DO THE SAME TO YOU AND US.:bunny::bunny:

 

 

Sorry, but I don't see it this way at all. When a man cheats on his wife he's throwing away the vows he took and the years he spent with her. What he is doing with an OW is having an affair...there are spoken and unspoken promises, but both know full well what's going on. He's hiding things and taking things from his wife...he's sharing things and giving things to his OW.

 

When DDay rolls around he may get a short sharp shock and end up going back to the W for a myriad of reasons...the OW will probably be the one cast aside at that point, but the W has been lied to and cast aside for as long as the A started. As a BS in my 20s that wasn't acceptable and he was gone...as an OW it was expected and he was gone-but back again in less than 2 weeks.

 

Every A is different...every M is different...I'm shocked that MMs W has held on for 2 DDays, but I can certainly understand why and I may well have done the same in her situation.

 

Having been the BS and the OW I truly think the biggest deception and hurt are to the BS and as an OW I often wonder how anyone can deal with it-I couldn't and didn't.

 

Hope I didn't ramble too much!

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scatterd Established Member

scatterd

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Sorry for shouting I did not know it meant that.ha ha funny I'm writing this really slow now so you guys understand.Thats funny.Have a good day and thanks for comments I just was stating why we should befriend each other the one cheating is the one committed so why dislike each other when were both hurt.:D

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted
Sorry for shouting I did not know it meant that.ha ha funny I'm writing this really slow now so you guys understand.Thats funny.Have a good day and thanks for comments I just was stating why we should befriend each other the one cheating is the one committed so why dislike each other when were both hurt.:D

 

nothing good comes from taking a MM's time and energy away from the primary relationship he should be spending THAT energy on - HIS marriage.

 

likes and dislikes are beside the point... point is - a M is between two people - not generally 3 or more if it is to be healthy, happy and safe.

 

if you are a secret to his wife - that should be a big red flag that things are back wards and he's lying to her. step away to avoid a ton of pain for yourself and others.

Hazyhead Established Member

Hazyhead

Posted
Posted

I've been mulling things over in my head today and the more I think the more lies I figure that he must have told. Without going into my own personal details, I agree; the MP lies as and when he/she feels is necessary to cover as much of his/her story as possible. Even after dday, if they do not want to own their part they will tell their spouse a skewed version of the truth. A version that lays more blame on the OP than themselves. If the spouse and the OP were to sit down and compare their notes I suspect they would find many inconsistencies.

seren Established Member

seren

Posted
Posted (edited)
I've been mulling things over in my head today and the more I think the more lies I figure that he must have told. Without going into my own personal details, I agree; the MP lies as and when he/she feels is necessary to cover as much of his/her story as possible. Even after dday, if they do not want to own their part they will tell their spouse a skewed version of the truth. A version that lays more blame on the OP than themselves. If the spouse and the OP were to sit down and compare their notes I suspect they would find many inconsistencies.

 

OP and I didn't exactly sit down and compare notes, but she rang my house for a couple of weeks after D Day, initially shouting at me (!) and calling my H all the names under the sun - main one being he had lied to her, how she loved him and how he was The One. To be honest, I was just to dammed tired of crying and feeling crap to react angrily and anyway had never, not a once blamed her for it all, sure I was pissed off that another person could be an accomplice to my hurt, but aside from initial 'I want to seriously hurt them both', feelings felt pretty indifferent to her - pretty much what she had felt toward me during the A I imagine.

 

I asked questions and she kindly answered, everything she said was in line with what H had told me. However a number of things hadn't been elaborated upon, no we hadn't had sex for a while - I had treatment for ovarian cancer, told her that and she was pretty pissed off at him, no we hadn't been getting on for a while, H felt he couldn't compete with my new job, friends and felt not good enough, his job was very stressful (military, Iraq and all) and I own my own part in our marriage fallout. OW was fun and I just didn't have the time for fun and H was being a right b.

 

The main thing for me was that OW was dumped with a it's over message on her answer machine. I told H over and over to speak with her properly to end it properly, he never did, I felt sorry for her as she had been lied to also, albeit in a different way. Now my H is not a bad man, he is generally a kind person, however he is a conflict avoider, sorry, was. He calls it compartmentalising (been reading books) I call it head up his own arse time. If anything D Day helped our marriage to get back on track and 2 and a half years later is fantastic, wish A had never happened, but it did. I don't blame OW, in fact if he had loved her he could have walked away with my blessing (and my heart) and with no drama.

 

Truth of it is that I could never be friends with OW, but I don't hate her, my friend is OW and I don't hate her so it's not an OW thing, and yes, AP does do the same to both, just in a different way and with different consequences. Thing is, OW/OM has the choice to have an A or not, BS doesn't, the gaslighting is dreadful (nearly drove me mad). A's can be so dammed destructive and we are all blindsided. At least D Days get it all out and we finally all know what has been happening.

Edited by seren
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