Bella Jordan Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 My childhood best friend and I haven't spoken in almost a year and a half. We were the best of friends for 12 years prior to our falling out. And while we've had our share of arguments, we've always managed to reconcile. But the last time was different. I moved back to our hometown a year and a half ago after an 8 year absence. We'd kept in touch the entire time; I left for college and then later moved to DC, while she got married and had a child. We both led very different lives but were thrilled to finally be able to spend time together. After being back home for 2 weeks, my friend (we'll call her Liz) asked if I'd be amenable to being set up with one of her friends. I agreed. She, her husband, her friend (Caleb) and I all went to dinner, came back to her place. One thing led to another, and Caleb and I ended up sleeping together. The next day, Liz called me to ask me about all the gory details, at which point I told her that we'd had a great time but that we both knew that we weren't a match and that it wasn't going anywhere. Still, we said we'd love to hang out again sometime soon. Two weeks later, Liz mentioned that she and her husband were having problems and that she was thinking about leaving him. She reluctantly told me that she'd even cheated on him, once. With Caleb. I was shocked and appalled that she would try to set me up on a date with the man she'd had an affair with. She said that it was a one-time thing, that they both agreed that it was a mistake and that he had been keen on meeting me after seeing a photo of me and that she didn't see a problem with it. She cried and apologized for hurting me in any way. A few days later, while out for drinks at a local restaurant, Caleb showed up unexpectedly. I chalked it up to a coincidence. Except it happened again the following week. I noticed that they were both doing a lot of texting, and he kept cutting her looks. The evidence of an ongoing affair was more than apparent. When I confronted her, she admitted that they still maintained contact and that she had feelings for him. I couldn't believe it. I asked why in the world she would have set me up with him, knowing that something could happen between us or that I could have developed feelings for him. She said she didn't know, that she was confused. I accused her of trying to throw her husband off the track; she denied it. To make matters worse, I received an upsetting phone call later that night that left me distraught and in tears. Instead of trying to comfort me, she tried to convince me to meet up with some of her other friends because she was planning on leaving with Caleb. I couldn't believe my best friend would not only make me a pawn in a twisted game, but also completely abandon me in my time of need. We spoke just once more after that night. I called her to ask if I could stop by that afternoon to pick up something I'd left at her house. She acted as if nothing had happened and nothing was wrong; she never apologized. Liz and her husband divorced a short while after, at which point Caleb moved in with her. Three weeks ago, they broke up. Surprisingly, Caleb attempted to contact me. Thinking it might be an attempt to clear the air and set things straight, I agreed to meet him. I was wrong. He'd been drinking and attempted to get me into bed. Appalled, I declined the offer and promptly left. He did tell me, however, that Liz had gotten wind of him trying to contact me. Two days later, I received an email that read as follows: "Sometimes people are so manipulative that they can influence you to do things before you even realize what you've done. This is an explanation; not an excuse. I believe that you and I both have things to be sorry for, but I was the one who made the big mistake. I should not have thrown away our 12-year friendship for a guy. I did not send this to get it off my chest. I owe you an apology and it needed to be made. I was wrong. I'm not that person and I don't know what happened. I also want you to know that there are some facts that you were told that were not true, but I don't want to get into that now. I just wanted you to know that you were misinformed on many accounts, and that I'm sorry. Have a good weekend." While I'm grateful for her apology, a part of me feels that it was only motivated by the fact that she knows her ex has been trying to contact me, and she wants to make sure I don't take his side or get his version of events. I've also taken into consideration the fact that whereas for the past year she has been the one in a relationship while all her other friends were single, now she is the one without a boyfriend/husband while all her other friends are involved with someone. I suppose it's just the timing of the apology that gives me pause; why is she sorry now? She doesn't appear to have been sorry before. What's changed? I don't know what to do. I do miss her. Every childhood memory I have in some way involves her. But I also know that she has a history of unbelievable selfishness and of always prioritizing the men in her life at the expense of her relationship with her friends. I do appreciate that she's sorry and that seems to at least recognize that she was the one at fault. But I can't get past my suspicion that the apology was motivated by selfish considerations. Am I being unreasonable? Should I accept her apology and try to mend fences. I do miss my best friend, but I believe that what she did to me was something that no friend would ever do to another. And I refuse to be thus treated ever again.
Ronni_W Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 ... why is she sorry now? She doesn't appear to have been sorry before. What's changed? Only she can answer that with any certainty but my guess is... SHE has changed. She does not appear to have taken the time to do any self-reflection/healing when her marriage ended but it would seem that perhaps her recent break-up has been a "bolt of lightning" that's causing her to start looking at her own life, words and actions with a more critical eye. For what it's worth, her apology comes across (to me) as genuine and heartfelt. Not that it is all that you may need from her at this point but, on its own, it doesn't come across as phony, insincere or manipulative. You don't have to forgive her, of course. Or you can use it as an opportunity to get back on track. Figure out what answers and actions you need from her, find out what she needs from you, and see if you guys can negotiate and compromise your way back into a more supportive relationship. Best of luck.
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