Feeling Done.

[Deanster]

Had a modest argument with my wife this am, in which I asked politely for a kitchen implement, that turned out to be in a drawer she was standing in front of, and she throws up her hands in frustration, snaps at me and then when I asked what was wrong, accused me of starting a fight.

 

This is approximately argument 5,349 in our sexless marriage, in which anything she's doing is right, and anything I'm doing is wrong, even if it's the thing she just asked/ordered me to do.

 

I've hung in through the arguments, the lack of intimacy, through being ignored for months on end, through the eye-rolling, contempt, and even the quiet times, where nothing was really wrong, but there wasn't warmth or connection either.

 

and now, today, as of about noon Pacific Time, I feel done.

 

A few months ago, I posted a thread called something like 'How do you know when you are done?', looking for input on when it's really time to call it quits.

 

I now know the answer, which is when you find yourself walking around the house mentally inventorying items that will go in your new divorced-person apartment, and thinking about neighborhoods to go apartment-hunting in. When I'm no longer interested in warmth, intimacy, and connection with my wife, much less actively seeking or trying to create it. When it seems like I can be a better father to my kids in the 50% time I'll likely have.

 

We'll see how things go, but today, I feel done with being married.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Been there, done that! Many times unfortunately...

 

But we are still together, and hope to be for a long time.

 

Of all you posted the sex and intimacy problems would be the toughest for me...

 

It's a natural fight or flight instinct that occurs. "Ha, I'll be better off without you!" you say to yourself in your mind. Mastering this would seem like an impossible task to me. At least where I am now. Maybe years down the road that may change. But at least I realize more as it occurs and I am able to sort through my emotions better.

 

For you, what have you tried personally? Individual and/or marital therapy? Reading various books? Asking her why she is withdrawing? Bottom line: Have you really earned the right to call it quits?

Edited February 13, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Exactly. What have you done to improve the situation? Google marriage builders and give their program a try before you sign off for good. Leaving their mother without trying anything to fix the situation will make you a BAD father, sir.

[HeyThere]

No lack of understanding here.

 

The main issues are the lack of respect and trust are not communicated in an open fashion. If your wife and you don’t put those two (respect and trust) in the relationship; it won’t matter how much passion you have for each other. My philosophy of a healthy relationship is that three tenets exist; respect, trust and care must be there in spades. I’m guessing that the care factor and your kids are keeping you from making a move. If the first two don’t come in or there’s not a snowballs chance in hell of that happening then you have your answer.

Edited February 14, 2010 by HeyThere

[Jeff1962]

Deanster. Many of us have been and still are to a degree where you are.

 

I was brutally honest with my wife about how I felt. I even went as far as asking her to move out. My honesty caused more conflict but was worth it because it may have saved our marriage. My wife and I are working thru our issues with progress.

 

I would tell your wife in all honesty how you feel and what you are going thru. Maybe write her a letter. Then, be prepared for a confrontation. Stand your ground and ask (not tell) her that you both need to face eachother and work thru this. If she wants to fight, tell her that you will come back later after she has calmed down and had time to think. Remind her that these issues need to be discussed. It's going to take some time and your first few attempts at conversation might only be met with opposition but don't give up if you want to save your marriage.

 

Your wife might feel the same way that you do.

[Deanster]

Hi all, a couple of you have pinged me for an update.

 

So, that day, my wife and I had a long, and fairly rough talk that didn't really lead anywhere new... We've been arguing off and on for the last few weeks... modestly calm, and we've both been somewhat distant, as we've tried to get on our preferred marriage counselor's schedule.

 

We had our first session this morning, and it was pretty grim. She was stony, distant and aloof, alternating with heartbreaking sadness and hurt that I don't 'let her have a relationship with me'. The therapist gave me a modestly hard time about my ADD-ish behavior (I'm not great about finishing projects, get distracted, etc. - mostly manage things pretty well, but I'm FAR from perfect. I've acknowledged and worked to improve this for many many years, but it's an ongoing issue), and chided her about the false structures of what I 'let her' do.

 

I guess my takeaway is that she likes me even less than I thought, which is a significant achievement. If I am to her what she described today, I'm inclined to remove myself from her life so as not to hurt her more. I don't think that's what's really happening objectively, but it's surely how she feels, which is in many ways the only thing that matters.

 

I didn't think I could be surprised by how checked-out and distant she really is, or by how she feels about me, but I was dead wrong.

 

I think the therapist was also quite surprised. My wife had to leave quickly, to go to an event at our kids' school, and as I was waiting for him to find a piece of paperwork, he said that I "should keep up a sense of hope, as you're clearly going to be the one leading that charge, if you know what I mean."

 

He's a very direct fellow, which I like very much. So, we'll see where this goes... I'm not very hopeful. More communication is creating greater clarity about how poorly things are working, and not much (yet) in the way of paths to something better.

 

I'll let you know as things progress/improve/fall apart, etc.