Personal Appearance/Marriage Crisis. Assistance?

[Wedded25]

Greetings. Been away for quite a while. Hope this finds everyone well; alas, wish I could say I was right now.

 

Couple of recent events have triggered one of my periodic bouts of personal-appearance anxiety:

 

(1) My already-lovely wife of (now 26) years recently emerged from the hair salon looking a thousand miles beyond dynamite ... and leaving me looking even more like a fat, saggy, tearful toad next to her than I already did before.

 

(2) I stumbled upon a book at my library written for women on how to deceive and strategize their men into taking more interest in their personal appearance ... including withholding sex, if all other strategy fails. It's loaded with exactly what to say so the man won't feel bullied -- as though trickery is morally any better than bullying ...

 

Add to this mix my ongoing struggles with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression, and you have the perfect paranoia storm. I'm now scared sick she's going to leave me based on my looks. Intellectually I know she won't, she being of the sterlingest and most honest character ... but my mind can't stop the terror in my gut and heart.

 

Nowadays women are entirely free to throw a husband away on no more grounds than his dumpiness. Granted, I would not want a return to the days when churches and courts could force a woman to stay in a miserable marriage, but at least I would once have had some backup if I wanted to keep our marriage together. Now I have none; I have to EARN her and her love all day, every day. Love exists only in her head and heart; the minute they fail to exist there, she can discard me as easily as she would a quart of spoiled milk. And even if I made the greatest case in the world that she "owes" me love ... I have no way of collecting on the supposed debt. No court can issue an injunction commanding her to love me, or to become aroused despite my poor visual presentation. There's no writ of "emotional garnishment" I can file to attach a portion of the love she gives another (or herself) until the supposed debt is paid. I have no backup and no recourse.

 

(Need I mention I'm fully aware that she has to earn me, too ... and has never failed ONCE in 26 years?)

 

So what will it take to fix me?

 

(1) Plastic surgery to tighten permanent frown and worry lines in my forehead.

 

(2) Then a full hair transplant both to fix the baldness and hide the surgery scars. (Please ... don't anyone tell me bald is sexy ... if I hate the look of it, it doesn't matter if anyone else likes it.)

 

(3) Repair of two chipped front teeth.

 

(4) A frightfully expensive facial-care regimen so I can shave without turning my face into ground chuck, because real winner-looking men don't wear beards.

 

(5) An intense, boring and painful exercise regimen (possibly with a personal trainer) to lose my belly, followed by surgical repair of a hernia that looks like a mini-belly within the large main one.

 

(6) Extensive dental work to fix ongoing bad breath.

 

(7) Complete overhaul of my wardrobe.

 

(8) A frightfully expensive hairstyle regimen.

 

(9) And of course, the money to pay for it all and the time and energy to keep up with it.

 

I'd like to think all of the foregoing is just a manifestation of the serious mental illness I cope with (I haven't been able to afford good professional help for some years*), but I'm just not sure anymore. And as for the above-noted book, normally I can mentally fire off a nuclear-tipped dumb@$$-seeking missile when an author offends me. Not this time.

 

I've long practiced absolute fidelity to my wife and always will ... but this is a self-righteous and not particularly courageous stand, since no other woman would ever want me as I am; thus, I've never been tested. Even the loneliest, horniest, most desperately sex-starved woman in the world has limits ... and would give me a faceful of tear gas if I asked her for a 15-minute coffee break together, much less actual loving ... just for my having the temerity to expect her to be interested in me, given the way I look. And I still don't know what my wife ever saw in me.

 

Sorry if I've been long-winded. If you've made it this far, you have my admiration. And sorry about any typos ... I'm on the verge of tears as I type this.

 

Input is of course most gratefully appreciated. Thanks --

 

W25

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*Re professional help: I'm deeply soured on psychotherapy right now. I once told the last one I ever saw about some tension I was feeling at home; rather than find ways to help me cope and solve it constructively, or acknowledge that no marriage is perfect, she immediately asked me APROPOS OF NOTHING I'D SAID if I'd ever thought about leaving my wife! If all I can expect from therapy is the view of marriage as profit-and-loss statement, immediately trashable when the "bottom line" is bad, I'm doomed.

 

And please, don't anyone tell me I "just need more self-esteem." Self-esteem is the result of performing well in life, not the cause. No affirmations, either -- the scummiest louse in the world can look in the mirror and say he's wonderful. BEING wonderful is quite another matter ... and I ain't been for a long time now.

[Tony T]

Even if your wife leaves you and NEVER sees of talks to you again, she will be the one person who has done you the biggest favor of your life. There are many aspects of your health and personal appearance that have needed ongoing attention over time and which you have neglected. If she has caused you to take more notice to these practices, some of which could save your life or help you life longer, then she has done a wonderful job for you.

 

Today is the first day of your life. Simply show your improvement program to your wife and let her see you implement it. If it's too little too late for her, it may be just in time for you. There are a LOT of things you need to address in your life. Let this be the first day. Go take a brisk walk and some deep breaths from there.

 

Pay more attention to yourself and upgrade from where you are now. Save your money to take care of the high ticket items. Just do your ownself a favor. Take your list above and check over it everyday...do what you can to make yourself better.