Vintage79 Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Hey All, I've recently been on a string of first dates, some from online, some from elsewhere. While after a 1-2 of the first dates, I was really wanting to go out with the person a second time, after 3-4 I was more neutral, and a few more were, I was thinkinkg, "no way will I ever see this person again". These neutral situations were more from the online crowd (1 from elsewhere), and as such, they were more of a "blind date" scenario. The "neutral" situations were generally characterized by decent conversations, some laughing, not much touching, and no kissing - basically, it wasn't hard spend time with them, but I didn't feel any sort of amazing chemistry...they were just kind of there, and while the experience was pleasant and interesting, I don't know if I can say it was much more. That said, I'm trying to figure out what to do with these "neutral" situations. Given the blind date nature of some of these meetings, is it worth giving the other person a second chance (assuming that they want one) or should I just drop them all together? My fear is that I'll be throwing away people that I may have good chemistry with, but it just wasn't there on date one because of the blind date/first date nerves and/or lack of knowledge about the other person. Basically, the options are, give someone I find conceptually interesting, but had a neutral first experience with, a second chance, or go on more first dates...thoughts? If I decide to give them another chance, what should I look for in the first date? And what are peoples' general expectations on a first date, in particular if they go out with the individual a second time?
sagetalk Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 You didn't specify but by the way you are writing I'd say with certainty you are a girl. It's very common for girls to blow off polite guys who keep to themselves on the first few dates. You know what those guys are called? Gentleman, yeah isn't that horrible? So in essence what you are doing is dropping perfectly decent people for no reason. Three dates is nothing. If you like them and get along well with them keep seeing them. Let the sexual tension build, good grief. If you're desperate for someone to feel you up after a few dates you're not going to attract very good relationships. When you associate physical contact equaling a high quality partner, you set yourself up for miserable failure. There are plenty of guys that will jump your bones at hello, almost none of them are worth two seconds of your time.
thegreatmoose Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 You didn't specify but by the way you are writing I'd say with certainty you are a girl. It's very common for girls to blow off polite guys who keep to themselves on the first few dates. You know what those guys are called? Gentleman, yeah isn't that horrible? So in essence what you are doing is dropping perfectly decent people for no reason. Three dates is nothing. If you like them and get along well with them keep seeing them. Let the sexual tension build, good grief. If you're desperate for someone to feel you up after a few dates you're not going to attract very good relationships. Three dates is not so bad and it would certainly give me enough time to calm down my nerves. I'm on a long streak of not making it beyond the first date. Many women want an exciting and chaming man and seemingly want it immediately. I don't think I have those qualities and I can tell they get bored within minutes.
New Again Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 You didn't specify but by the way you are writing I'd say with certainty you are a girl. It's very common for girls to blow off polite guys who keep to themselves on the first few dates. You know what those guys are called? Gentleman, yeah isn't that horrible? So in essence what you are doing is dropping perfectly decent people for no reason. Three dates is nothing. If you like them and get along well with them keep seeing them. Let the sexual tension build, good grief. If you're desperate for someone to feel you up after a few dates you're not going to attract very good relationships. When you associate physical contact equaling a high quality partner, you set yourself up for miserable failure. There are plenty of guys that will jump your bones at hello, almost none of them are worth two seconds of your time. I believe Vintage is a man. At any rate s/he dates women. I have a tendency to date people I've met through mutual friends, or met on a few occasions through friends, etc., so when we actually go out we both already have a bit of an idea of our chemistry and stuff. In other words, not sure how much help I can offer. I'm not a huge fan of first dates/blind dates/dates with random men because I know it takes me awhile to build attraction (I've been immediately attracted to a man twice in my life). But, because of this, I would definitely give a blind date at least one more chance, everything else being equal. (Though, realistically, I would expect it take 5 or 6 dates/time spent together.) Thinking back, I can't think of any instances where I've gone on a first date with someone and actually given him a second date, BUT that's because he's always done something to mess up the first date. Once, I went on a first date with a Jewish guy, who grilled me about my religious beliefs, then told me that his mother would hate me because I'm not Jewish, so he would never be able to introduce me to his family or marry me. On another first date the guy disappeared every time the bill came (drinks, dinner). Another guy called me a bitch on the first date because we met at a bar for drinks and I introduced him to a friend who ran into us there, and then chatted for a minute.
Author Vintage79 Posted February 13, 2010 Author Posted February 13, 2010 (edited) "You didn't specify but by the way you are writing I'd say with certainty you are a girl. It's very common for girls to blow off polite guys who keep to themselves on the first few dates. You know what those guys are called? Gentleman, yeah isn't that horrible? So in essence what you are doing is dropping perfectly decent people for no reason. Three dates is nothing. If you like them and get along well with them keep seeing them. Let the sexual tension build, good grief." Actually Sage, I'm a guy - so much for your certainty. Regardless, on these "neutral" dates, the girls generally seem interested, or are at least are not (visibly) bored. I generally get a fair amount of attention from them, but I just don't feel that immediate "click" with the neutral crowd. I have no idea what they are actually feeling, but I usually won't give them an opportunity for a second date. With 1 of the 3-4 that I mentioned, they called me about 10 days after the first date and was wondering why I hadn't called them...hmmmm. It was that situation that got me wondering about whether or not I was passing on too many. I kind of liked that girl, but the lack of excitement made be blow her off, even though her call basically suggested that she was interested...I still didn't give her another chance. Edited February 13, 2010 by Vintage79
New Again Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Anything other than providing instant charm is clearly a major flaw. :rolleyes: Are you trying to be funny??? This has nothing to do with charm. This has to do with rejecting men who: 1. Tell me on our first meeting his family will never accept me, and he will never marry me, or even date me seriously. 2. A man who is such a pussy, and has such terrible manners, that he makes a dash for the bathroom as soon as he sees the check coming. 3. A man who must be emotionally unstable, to a) completely overreact and b) call me a bitch over basically nothing. Once, I went on a first date with a Jewish guy, who grilled me about my religious beliefs, then told me that his mother would hate me because I'm not Jewish, so he would never be able to introduce me to his family or marry me. On another first date the guy disappeared every time the bill came (drinks, dinner). Another guy called me a bitch on the first date because we met at a bar for drinks and I introduced him to a friend who ran into us there, and then chatted for a minute.
You'reasian Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Are you trying to be funny??? This has nothing to do with charm. This has to do with rejecting men who: 1. Tell me on our first meeting his family will never accept me, and he will never marry me, or even date me seriously. 2. A man who is such a pussy, and has such terrible manners, that he makes a dash for the bathroom as soon as he sees the check coming. . 3. A man who must be emotionally unstable, to a) completely overreact and b) call me a bitch over basically nothing. 1. Then don't date guys whos religious or family's preferences will get in the way of being in a serious relationship, unless you date these kinds of guys on purpose to terminate the relationship 2. Don't date guys who don't pay. Why do you keep moaning about this again and again on LS? Is it for attention now? I pay for my dates - find someone who does that. 3. Don't give a man a reason to call you a b!tch. Its that simple. Examin your behavior since this is a repeating theme.
sagetalk Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Actually Sage, I'm a guy - so much for your certainty. That's far worse for you then it is for me. I've never heard of a guy talking like you are. Astonishing .
Author Vintage79 Posted February 13, 2010 Author Posted February 13, 2010 What do you mean by far worse - because I toss the women out that don't immediately captivate me? Or is it something else? I'm genuinely curious as to what you're thinking. Keep in mind the description I provided was of the mediocre dates where I had a neutral opinion of the girl - the good dates had a lot more going on, be it ample touching, plenty of kissing, etc. It's more than possible it was all part of my selection process.
New Again Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 1. Then don't date guys whos religious or family's preferences will get in the way of being in a serious relationship, unless you date these kinds of guys on purpose to terminate the relationship 2. Don't date guys who don't pay. Why do you keep moaning about this again and again on LS? Is it for attention now? I pay for my dates - find someone who does that. 3. Don't give a man a reason to call you a b!tch. Its that simple. Examin your behavior since this is a repeating theme. Oh my gosh, is it a full moon or something?? Dudes need to chill. All of these were first dates with men I didn't know. Because of how they acted on the first date, they didn't get a second date. I don't understand why I'm being attacked for answering the OP's question. Those examples I gave of bad first dates were simply to illustrate circumstances under which men I don't have immediate chemistry with don't get a second chance. Also, I'm not sure what you mean by me looking for attention by moaning about men who don't pay for dates over and over again on this site. Do you have me confused with someone else? And #3??? Whaaaat??
Bejita463 Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Good, you called me a pussy. I hope you're happy now. Uh, unless you flee to the bathroom to avoid checks I do not see how you have been called anything.
New Again Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Uh, unless you flee to the bathroom to avoid checks I do not see how you have been called anything. Thank you!
You'reasian Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Oh my gosh, is it a full moon or something?? Dudes need to chill. All of these were first dates with men I didn't know. Because of how they acted on the first date, they didn't get a second date. I don't understand why I'm being attacked for answering the OP's question. Those examples I gave of bad first dates were simply to illustrate circumstances under which men I don't have immediate chemistry with don't get a second chance. Also, I'm not sure what you mean by me looking for attention by moaning about men who don't pay for dates over and over again on this site. Do you have me confused with someone else? And #3??? Whaaaat?? The problem with the net is no tone. You're not being attacked. I'm just sayin' These complaints have been mentioned before. Not sure if its someone else or not.
New Again Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 The problem with the net is no tone. You're not being attacked. I'm just sayin' These complaints have been mentioned before. Not sure if its someone else or not. They weren't complaints (hence I didn't start my own thread about them); they were statements/examples of things men can do to not get a second date with me.
melodymatters Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 BACK to the OP, hey Vintage....i'm learning there are some things you can't make, fake, or create. If i was husband/father shopping, I suppose I might be more...leniant on criteria, but the ONLY criteria I count nowadays is the " click". It's been there with people I never would have considered online, and not been there with people who were picture perfect and great on paper. I'm of the mind that love is one of the last bastions of crazy actually making sense : I've lived in a cabin in the woods with somone who touched my heart, and not accepted date #2 with a " Mr Perfect" and never regretted it. This is YOUR love path, only you know how to walk it to make yours a life well lived ! Good luck !
sagetalk Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 What do you mean by far worse - because I toss the women out that don't immediately captivate me? Or is it something else? I'm genuinely curious as to what you're thinking. Keep in mind the description I provided was of the mediocre dates where I had a neutral opinion of the girl - the good dates had a lot more going on, be it ample touching, plenty of kissing, etc. It's more than possible it was all part of my selection process. I find it odd that you date women that you feel neutral towards. This may be because they were online, but even still. If you are physically attracted to them (why would you date them if you were not), I'm having a hard time seeing how these dates could be boring or neutral. If I'm attracted to a girl, I could star at a mud puddle with her and have a blast. Most men either avoid dating a girl they feel neutral about, or use it as an opportunity for a friends with benefits. I've never heard of a guy feeling neutral after 1 or 2 dates, it just seems strange to me.
Author Vintage79 Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 Well, I didn't feel neutral towards them prior to the date - just afterwards. Don't get me wrong, they were physically attractive, and I never said I was bored, I said that the time was generally pretty good, just that there wasn't any sort of special "click". I mean, sure, if I only wanted them for their body, they definitely passed the test, but maybe I'm the unrealistic guy and expect something beyond a nice rack or pair of legs. That said, I've dated more than my fair share of very attractive women (8s/9s/10s), and I need more than physical beauty to keep in interested. After literally having a perfect 10 talk to me about how to apply rouge for 20 minutes, well, trust me, it's not hard to be bored with someone gorgeous.
sagetalk Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 1. Well, I didn't feel neutral towards them prior to the date - just afterwards. Don't get me wrong, they were physically attractive, and I never said I was bored, I said that the time was generally pretty good, just that there wasn't any sort of special "click". 2. That said, I've dated more than my fair share of very attractive women (8s/9s/10s), and I need more than physical beauty to keep in interested. After literally having a perfect 10 talk to me about how to apply rouge for 20 minutes, well, trust me, it's not hard to be bored with someone gorgeous. 1. I'm still having a hard time understanding it. Who wants to stop dating an attractive woman because she's just ok after a few dates . 2. I have never been bored in the presence of a woman I'm attracted to no matter what the topic of conversation or activity is. I'm mainly attracted to women with whom I click with physically and personality wise. Even when they are talking about stupid stuff, they put off energy that is very intoxicating to me. Even if they bore you slightly, and don't get physical early, if you're having a good time why the heck not. Do you really think it's a waste of time being with a beautiful women, having a pleasant time, and seeing if there is anything there. Doesn't seem like something I'd lose sleep over that's for sure.
sfsassy Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Three dates is not so bad and it would certainly give me enough time to calm down my nerves. I'm on a long streak of not making it beyond the first date. Many women want an exciting and chaming man and seemingly want it immediately. I don't think I have those qualities and I can tell they get bored within minutes. I went out on a first date with a guy last night. He was perfectly nice, cute. I just didn't feel a spark though. However, if he were to ask ne out again I would give it a try. He hasn't written, (I wrote to thabnk him for dinner) so I'm assuming it's a no go, and am not sad about it,
soulm8 Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Given the blind date nature of some of these meetings, is it worth giving the other person a second chance (assuming that they want one) or should I just drop them all together? My fear is that I'll be throwing away people that I may have good chemistry with, but it just wasn't there on date one because of the blind date/first date nerves and/or lack of knowledge about the other person. Basically, the options are, give someone I find conceptually interesting, but had a neutral first experience with, a second chance, or go on more first dates...thoughts? If I decide to give them another chance, what should I look for in the first date? And what are peoples' general expectations on a first date, in particular if they go out with the individual a second time? Do you spend any time before a first date getting to know them? I've found that people I can converse well with over the telephone and/or email make for a better first date experience. I'm not talking about emailing/calling for weeks, but it just takes a few exchanges to get a feel for any "rapport"... That way, the chemistry is "tested" on the first date. I also prefer to meet casually for a coffee or drink rather than a dinner date... a "first date" is set up after we've felt a "click" from meeting in a more relaxed way. My general expectations on a first date are that he will: - make me giggle/laugh/blush - be able to maintain eye contact for periods of time (not overly shy) - be engaging in our conversation and show interest by asking questions - not bash exes! - not give me his life history - insist on paying the bill despite my offering to pay half - walk me to my vehicle ---> bonus points guarantee a 2nd date: - say he would like to see me again - accept my hug and hug me back... - and take the opportunity to kiss me!
Bejita463 Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 - insist on paying the bill despite my offering to pay half Why even offer if you don't want to pay for your half? I've never understood the logic behind "Oh he let me do what I tried to do, how dare he" mentality. I have never failed to pay for a date, so that's not the point. I just don't understand why an insincere offer would be extended in the first place.
ella23 Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Why even offer if you don't want to pay for your half? I've never understood the logic behind "Oh he let me do what I tried to do, how dare he" mentality. I have never failed to pay for a date, so that's not the point. I just don't understand why an insincere offer would be extended in the first place. I agree, it doesn't make sense. If you want him to pay, don't offer to pay half.
soulm8 Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Why even offer if you don't want to pay for your half? I've never understood the logic behind "Oh he let me do what I tried to do, how dare he" mentality. I have never failed to pay for a date, so that's not the point. I just don't understand why an insincere offer would be extended in the first place. I *am* sincere when I offer. I'm not a "how dare he" type. It just shows his character (and lack of interest) if he actually accepts.
Bejita463 Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I *am* sincere when I offer. I'm not a "how dare he" type. It just shows his character (and lack of interest) if he actually accepts. Your idea of sincerity and mine are different things, I think. I don't think negatively about anyone who lets me do something I was trying to do. Whatever you want to call it, I still don't understand it. I am not trying to offer insult, so I apologize if one is perceived. I just really don't understand why a person would set themselves up that way.
soulm8 Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Your idea of sincerity and mine are different things, I think. I don't think negatively about anyone who lets me do something I was trying to do. Whatever you want to call it, I still don't understand it. I am not trying to offer insult, so I apologize if one is perceived. I just really don't understand why a person would set themselves up that way. As soon as the bill is placed on the table, I offer to pay half... not when he's about to pay. I don't feel insulted. I'm trying to explain why it's not insincere.
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