acdt Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Hi, I am new to these forums, my wife and I have been married for 4 years and are going though some tough times (loss). She seems to be very quick in dealing with things while it takes me a while. I get stuck in denial for a while :-). But when I then come around it's as if I shouldn't bring up the past for no reason, she feels that I am just trying to upset her for no reason. I am really tring to deal with my emotions at the moment, and want to talk about it. And of course she doesn't because she says it's done and she wants to move on. This creates a sense of frustration on my part and it feels like I always have to process these things alone. What's the point of marriage if we are not there for each other in tough times. In the beginning when she was going through all the pain I was there for her. And now 3 weeks later when it finally hits me I should just get over it? When I try and talk to her about it she gets very defensive and says that she is tring to support me and it always turns into an argument? I don't know what todo? This has also happened before ADT
Ronni_W Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 This creates a sense of frustration on my part and it feels like I always have to process these things alone. She is ALSO having to process her emotions alone...while you are still in denial. You're not there for her when SHE is going through the worst of HER "tough times". [and] There is an equal chance that the way you do your emotions creates a sense of frustration for her. YOU'RE not getting it, either! If you're seeing yourself as a victim, then you need to see that your wife also is. If you're blaming and resenting her, then you need to realize that you act the exact same as she does. The only thing that's different is the timing. You BOTH need to improve your communication skills, grow understanding and compassion, and find ways to better support each other given your individual styles of processing emotions. You could check books 'Forgive for Love' by Fred Luskin, and 'We Can Work It Out' by Markman and Notarius. As well, individual therapy to help you learn a more effective coping strategy than "denial" and avoiding dealing with problems in a timely manner. And perhaps marriage counseling if those books don't offer you enough information and suggestions to change how you're (both) currently doing things.
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