Why am I still hurting?

[atlast3]

About 5 months ago, I broke up with my first love. Even though I broke up with him, he was really the one that pushed me away (although I'm the "dumper" I feel like the dumpee).

 

Quick background. We were on and off again for a year. At the beginning, he hurt me in so many ways imaginable. It set the mood for the relationship and everything just went down hill. This was "supposed" to be the honeymoon stage and I was confused. I talked to him about it later. All he would say is "I'm sorry". What hurts is I really wanted to get to know him for he was and I seen something in him, I hadn't seen in many people in a long time.

 

I eventually broke up with him and he was really upset. He tried and tried to get back together. I wanted to. Whats hard is I didn't want to break up with him but the emotional damage he put upon me hurt too much. I saw him about a month ago and I wanted him to express how he felt and why he did certain things. But he didn't. He looked like he wanted to but he couldn't. We both left hurt.

 

I understand its over. And he's the way he is. He'll only change if he wants. But what makes it hard is the fact that I still care about him. I'm an very empathetic person and I know he has a lot of issues and I understand in a lot of ways why he acts the way he does at times. I know its still no excuse for his behavior though.

 

We don't talk anymore . I know people will say date. Dating for me isn't like it is for a lot of people. I only like going out with someone who I can *possibly* see myself with in the long run. I don't sleep around and I can't. I have to be mentally there for it to be good. My ex is the only guy I choose to make love to. I feel like I'm not a normal 20 something year old female in that aspect. All my friends just jump from one dude to another but I just can't do that. I look for an emotional connection.

 

I do get approached by guys often though . I have a sexy figure,pretty face,somewhat shy and a really good girl. I feel like those characteristics about me hinders my dating options. Sometimes it feels like a curse. Nowadays,its the same story. Its always the"alpha male", "player types" or "too cool for school pretty boy" who talk to me . All of which I CAN"T stand. If I do try to talk a nice boy, they are rarely very receptive of me.

 

Anyways, I don't know what to do.

Edited February 13, 2010 by atlast3

[GrayClouds]

About 5 months ago, I broke up with my first love. Even though I broke up with him, he was really the one that pushed me away (although I'm the "dumper" I feel like the dumpee).

 

Quick background. We were on and off again for a year. At the beginning, he hurt me in so many ways imaginable. It set the mood for the relationship and everything just went down hill. This was "supposed" to be the honeymoon stage and I was confused. I talked to him about it later. All he would say is "I'm sorry". What hurts is I really wanted to get to know him for he was and I seen something in him, I hadn't seen in many people in a long time.

 

I eventually broke up with him and he was really upset. He tried and tried to get back together. I wanted to. Whats hard is I didn't want to break up with him but the emotional damage he put upon me hurt too much. I saw him about a month ago and I wanted him to express how he felt and why he did certain things. But he didn't. He looked like he wanted to but he couldn't. We both left hurt.

 

I understand its over. And he's the way he is. He'll only change if he wants. But what makes it hard is the fact that I still care about him. I'm an very empathetic person and I know he has a lot of issues and I understand in a lot of ways why he acts the way he does at times. I know its still no excuse for his behavior though.

 

We don't talk anymore . I know people will say date. Dating for me isn't like it is for a lot of people. I only like going out with someone who I can *possibly* see myself with in the long run. I don't sleep around and I can't. I have to be mentally there for it to be good. My ex is the only guy I choose to make love to. I feel like I'm not a normal 20 something year old female in that aspect. All my friends just jump from one dude to another but I just can't do that. I look for an emotional connection.

 

I do get approached by guys often though . I have a sexy figure,pretty face,somewhat shy and a really good girl. I feel like those characteristics about me hinders my dating options. Sometimes it really feels like a curse.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Yes you do because your doing the right thing. It is best to allow yourself to heal from a break and get over your ex before getting involved with another. All that dating right away does it to allow you to keep making the same mistakes over and over.

 

Be proud of your need for emotional connection. That is what everyone want but do not have the maturity or courage to hold out for it. It should come first, to many hope by being physical first the emotion will come.

 

Also be proud that even though he was your first love you would not let him continue to treat you poorly. It says you value yourself and is not willing to sacrifice what you value just to be loved. Your mature beyond your years, while others may seem more experienced, trust me your ahead of them where it matters.

 

Spend the next few months jsut focusing yourself. Trying things you have always wanted to try, take a class for the fun of it, try a new hobby, hit the gym, take up some volunteering, hang out with people who support you. Spend this time further understand yourself, gain even more confidence and self esteem, and to clarify what you want for the future. As you do this the ex will become less important and the next will show up when you ready for them.

 

Congratulations you really are starting that life you always wanted.

[atlast3]

Thanks GrayClouds. I needed to hear this. Yeah, I can't just into it all so soon. I think it would feel strange to be with a rebound. I respect myself and him as a person so just jumping with another so quickly just seems wrong in so many ways. I just wanna live through the hurt and get better. I have faith that someday I will be ready for someone who deserves 100 percent of me.

 

I never thought of myself as mature . Thanks Now that you say it, I do think I'm ahead of the game. I really do want and will wait for something real.

 

Thanks again for you're words. I'm feeling 10x better.

Edited February 13, 2010 by atlast3

[GrayClouds]

You are the type of girl a good deal of the boys will not like, but high quality men will fight for. Remember the stronger you become at at taking care of yourself and the more you enjoy being on your own the more selective you can be when it comes to choose a guy that deserves you.

 

You shown you have high standard, keep them there, you are worth it.

[atlast3]

Thats why I'm so confused. Its like I come at things so genuinely. Not arrogant, rude or anything. I do have a lot of self worth but I NEVER put anyone down. I don't see why many males wouldn't like that. I don't see how anyone wouldn't want someone who had self respect and high realistic(non superfical) standards. I'm always either instantly turned into a sex object (because I do have a really feminine figure)or I've heard many times, that I have to be hiding something or I must be one of those crazy females. I'm always like no, I am who I am. No skeletons in my closet, no secrets, no hidden agenda, no stalking, no slashing tires. nothing. I just can't take that type of talk and behavior from dudes. Instantly I'm over it.

 

I do think I'll find a quality guy but after awhile the same scenario gets old. I'm not desperate and I am very comfortable standing on my own two feet. Sometimes its just nice to have someone to stand with.

 

GrayClouds, thanks again. I'm trying to stay positive and I'm starting to slowly feel better.

Edited February 14, 2010 by atlast3

[mickleb]

Um.

 

Hi there, atlast.

 

I have been reading your thread and some of what happened to you earlier and I have to tell you: I am quite concerned about what's going on for you.

 

I think I see some confusion with regards to what self-worth is. And I think you need to asking yourself, VERY seriously, why you are still hung up on your ex, AT ALL.

 

I think you should consider asking some of your questions to a therapist of some kind, rather than just here (if that is possible) as you have gone through something very damaging and I don't think it's easy to 'just deal' with an experience like that.

 

I hope this is helpful to you.

 

Take care.

 

x

[GrayClouds]

Mickleb brings up a good point. Having a hard time letting go suggest a some issue that is wanting to be addressed. A underlining vulnerability often attracts the healthy type of person to us and is willing use it against us to build up themselves.

 

Addressing this issue can help you clear up that confusion and gain insight on why you are attracting the wrong type and offer you some additional tools to care for yourself. It can help illustrate behaviors that get in our own way from getting what we really want.

 

Keep working and be kind to yourself.

[Sharla]

Atlast3 you and I sound very similar.

 

My one friend, is the complete opposite of me and even though she wants to find someone and settle down, she goes through guys one after the other. She has guys constantly flocking to her, all of them shower her with attention, send her flowers, buy her things.

 

Some are attractive, nice, have good personalities, etc., but they are not good guys because I've seen how they treat women and I would never consider dating any of them.

 

Her and I were out with one of them recently, and I asked him, what he thought of me. He said, I look like a good girl and deserve a good guy, and then he turned his attention back to my female friend. This same guy, goes on to jokingly touch my friend's breast and make brash comments, licked her ear, yuck.

 

You are still very young, so don't worry about it so much, k?

[pgummins]

I'm a male and you sound very similar to me. Same story as mine (im many ways to). And thats all I have to say really. Its the same for everyone I think, no contact and move on. He will change himself if he wants, as you said.