NatoPMT Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 i have recently met someone who i am really interested in, things started extremely well, but now things arent going as well as i would like. whenever we are together, i just turn into a blethering idiot. i cant seem to be myself and keep saying ridiculous things, i am finding it really difficult talking to him. hes absolutely beautiful & lovely company and the more time i spend with him, the more in awe i become of him. when we arent together, hes not very communicative, and this gives me time to worry about what he thinks of me, when we meet up its blatantly obvious he likes me as much as i like him, so how can i stop this chronic shyness? and now its developed, i can feel it preventing us getting closer and him getting to know me. hes even said that he cant believe i could be interested in him, and i know he is shy too - its like we are helpfully assisting each other in building barriers. how can i reverse this trend? it seems to growing every time we meet, although i dont know if thats just my interpretation and maybe he has no idea about what i think i see happening we havent yet said what our intentions are, i dont know if we are in a 'relationship' because neither of us has bought it up, and i dont want to have 'that' conversation as yet in case its too much too soon. one of the reasons i think i have developed this fear of communicating with him is that the first night we met he told me about his twin sister who died a year ago, i didnt know how to react in case i said something tactless/unfeeling/inappropriate, and it seems to have gone from there. i so wanted to be able to be there for him and the exact opposite seems to have happened. Also, my recent ex had a similar effect on me for very very different reasons, and i am wondering how i can unlearn this clamming up before it does too much damage.
Samson Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 how can i reverse this trend? it seems to growing every time we meet, although i dont know if thats just my interpretation and maybe he has no idea about what i think i see happening To me, it sounds like the less you say, the more you have met? Maybe I'm off base, but it sounds like he might really like this about you. At any rate it hasn't done any harm so far, so why try to "reverse the trend." There are some, perhaps more than a few men who appreciate less verbal attention from women. I'm not one, but have dated those women who couldn't be prodded to exchange any verbal expressions. One in particular was perhaps the most beautiful girl I'd ever dated. We went out once. I cut the date short and never saw her again. Hope you understand my meaning: BE YOURSELF: HE LIKES YOU THAT WAY!!!
Author NatoPMT Posted January 4, 2004 Author Posted January 4, 2004 thanks samson - thats part of what i am worried about!!! if he likes me this way - its not the normal way i act and all this game playing stuff is completely over my head - its a balancing act between pretending to be cooly detatched in case i say something stupid. on the other hand, when we first went out i WAS myself and thats when he became interested, but i cant be myself with him now and have a mental block over how to stop being shy with him and just having the ability to be social capable in his presence. i feel like every time we meet hes giving me another chance to be how i was on our first few dates and i am running out of chances and am putting so much pressure on myself i cant act normally. i was actually shaking the last time we met, it stopped after a few mins but he must think i am a nutter. plus is it normal to not contact someone for days, then meet up and say they havent stopped thinking about you? i almost feel like its a case of damage limitation and i should bail now. im actually scared of him, i'm not scared of being hurt as i know i can survive that, but i am scared of the intensity of feeling i have when i meet him, and how it turns me into a fool. i just need to get a grip, dont i? but how??? maybe i should just cool things off, or talk to him, or arrange to do stuff where i dont have to talk (ie go to the football) - any ideas?
dyermaker Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 As far as being on a date with a shaking girl, it certainly didn't leave the "nutcase" impression on me. I thought it was cute. Especially if you are both shy people, he's probably impressed that he had such an effect on you. What baffles me is that instead of asking us what to do, you keep suggesting that we suggest to you to "bail out". Why is it that you want to get rid of the feeling? Doesn't it make you happy, if even in a foreign way?
yes Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 Qn: who sets up the meetings? does he call to invite you out? Sug: you could let him know that you're feeling strangely shy around him ... no harm in that, i don't think. -yes
Author NatoPMT Posted January 4, 2004 Author Posted January 4, 2004 re: bailing: i said 'almost' - not quite - and that excited feeling can be brilliant, but this feels a bit ominous. possibly because i had a nasty break up in the none too distant past - i am not good at dealing with intensity but at least that break up gave me experience of feeling that intensely. i hope you are right about the rest of it - you actually could be as well when i think about some of the things hes said. he got worried about what i would think of his jumper the other night. it looked ace as well, even if it was 'lairy' as he put it. i think i will look up some topics of conversation on the tinternet. and write prompt cards. that will make me look cool. yes: he usually sets them up - and when he comes over he stays for 3 or 4 days, but then we dont have anything to say to each other - with other people it can be a comfortable silence, but i dont feel comfortable with it at all, but he stays until the last minute before he has to go.
Samson Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 BY GOD DYERMAKER IS RIGHT!!!!!!!!! You have no appreciation for the value of intense feelings that make you shake! Youth is so wasted on the young. BELIEVE: They are priceless!
Author NatoPMT Posted January 4, 2004 Author Posted January 4, 2004 haha thanks for the compliment but i am not so young - old enough to know better than this, 10 years ago id have coped a lot better
dyermaker Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 Originally posted by BigBelm re: bailing: i said 'almost' - not quite - and that excited feeling can be brilliant, but this feels a bit ominous. possibly because i had a nasty break up in the none too distant past - i am not good at dealing with intensity but at least that break up gave me experience of feeling that intensely. But that's bad intensity, you could find good intensity. Things aren't really so black and white, feelings are feelings, and you shouldn't run from them. Especially when there's a willing participant involved. I think i will look up some topics of conversation on the tinternet. and write prompt cards. that will make me look cool. I don't think he's worried about looking cool as much as you seem to be. Have you ever played the "Question Game"? It consists of taking turns asking and answering questions, but I'm not sure if he would find that as much fun as you would. It's a suggestion though. Otherwise try conversing about non-volatile topics, something where there are actual opinions involved (not the weather), but not something flammable (not God's role in the weather). Past relationships are a "no" topic.
Author NatoPMT Posted January 4, 2004 Author Posted January 4, 2004 the topics of conversation comment was a joke. i'm not that sad!! (honest) you are quite right i shouldnt run from them - however i am not good at bringing thingts out into the open, its quite a challenge for me to confront any issues hence i started posting here in the first place. i think i will do what yes suggested and just explain that i am feeling strangely shy in his presence and then at least he will have an explaination for my dumbness without having to have 'that' conversation. i dont know how willing a participant he is, but his very presence should be enough for now. and thanks for the questions suggestion.
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