hopeless4u Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 This isn't to piss anyone off but after a conversation with xMM and a thread on another forum I read it just got me thinking.... As a BS, what would be the point where you said enough was enough?? I know I have a vested interest but is this just in my mind?? I always said that xMM's W, IMO would never leave him as she was there for the lifestyle or that she truly thinks she can't live without him,(same thing in my eyes) there M was never 'bad' but just 'ok'. I also said I may be wrong and have been waiting for her to prove me wrong....Mmmmm, the latest has just made me think it even more. So they have had problems for a while, before I came on the scene but have both buried their heads, he's worked till late, she's in bed when he gets home. At weekends she shops, he does jobs round the house. They have had MC on and off for 20 yrs, he has had IC, before DDay his W refused IC as she said she couldn't change and believed most of their problems were him??(may or may not be true). After DDay #1 his W admitted to an A 20 years ago, so she isn't perfect and in this admission planted a seed in xMM's head his daughter may not be his, well she said it started before their daughter was conceived but then promised xMM she didn't sleep with her AP until after the birth??? So anyway, I'm babbling, there is so much more to all this but what is eating away at me is why is his W still accepting him back when she knows in her heart he will never be able to do NC with me, even if its just as friends. As a BS, could you??? Again, this isn't to annoy anyone, just getting my head round it all I guess.
ladydesigner Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Tough question. I am both a WS and BS. I was a BS before I had the revenge A. My H has had more than 1 infidelity. My H still says to this day that nothing has ever happened (I have been sent emails from OW, inappropriate pics of her being sent to him, and more) I have told myself that upon finding anything new I am going to leave. If I ever get wind again that my H is up to something I just am not going to put up with it again. What I think I have shown him by staying is that I may put up with behaviors that are not appropriate...so the very next time I am leaving, he knows this, I know this, my family knows this, etc. I do not want to be the wife that continually takes the H back over and over again.
Author hopeless4u Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Tough question. I am both a WS and BS. I was a BS before I had the revenge A. My H has had more than 1 infidelity. My H still says to this day that nothing has ever happened (I have been sent emails from OW, inappropriate pics of her being sent to him, and more) I have told myself that upon finding anything new I am going to leave. If I ever get wind again that my H is up to something I just am not going to put up with it again. What I think I have shown him by staying is that I may put up with behaviors that are not appropriate...so the very next time I am leaving, he knows this, I know this, my family knows this, etc. I do not want to be the wife that continually takes the H back over and over again. I'm truly sorry for what you are going through and I hope you find peace one way or the other and if you love your H I hope he is being truthfull with you. xMM and I have not carried on with the A since DDay #1 but we have been in contact and again since DDay #2 the contact has been low but its there....I can't help but think everytime that its his W he is lying to again. This time he has moved out to get his head sorted out but he is still lying to her so he can make sure I'm ok?? I know she knows because she hasn't text or called me and thats because she's asked him to come home, he's said no and is trying to prove she can get past this by not getting in touch with me and she knows I will tell him.
norajane Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 You're STILL talking to him after everything? What happened to your "I'm done!" attitude after the last round of texts and lies? I thought you had wrapped your head around the fact that MM threw you under the bus and ran you over a couple of times? 1
ladydesigner Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I'm truly sorry for what you are going through and I hope you find peace one way or the other and if you love your H I hope he is being truthfull with you. xMM and I have not carried on with the A since DDay #1 but we have been in contact and again since DDay #2 the contact has been low but its there....I can't help but think everytime that its his W he is lying to again. This time he has moved out to get his head sorted out but he is still lying to her so he can make sure I'm ok?? I know she knows because she hasn't text or called me and thats because she's asked him to come home, he's said no and is trying to prove she can get past this by not getting in touch with me and she knows I will tell him. I am truly sorry for what you are being put through as well. I am at a point in life where what is most important to me is my health, sanity, and making sure my kids are living the best life possible. If anything else starts to interfere with that then I need to start making some very big decisions.
norajane Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 (edited) What happened to all this? You said these things just within the last week! I think its taken sometime to realise but the tears I've cried this time are actually for me, the fact that I've been so stupid to put 2yrs of my life on hold for a man that really didnt love me....Ouch I know and I'm getting there. I've been so much better this time and i think its because i can finally see him for what he is...... Thanks OB, the thing is I'm not sat thinking about him, wishing things were different and even after my tears I'm like 'f*ck him' I have no desire to get in touch with him, I don't care what he thinks or what he is doing. He has hurt me so much it is past any state of repair and I don't even want to tell him this, I'm numb, I feel nothing. To many posts to answer seperately but I can assure you all that I will not be going back there, I won't be taking any calls or texts (from either of them) and I certainly won't be allowing him to suck me back in. Your answer to the question posted in this thread is the same as the answer to "how much will YOU take?" When will YOU say "enough is enough"??? Apparently, you'll take it for as long as he dishes it out. His wife, too, only she has 20 years of marriage and history for doing so. Edited February 12, 2010 by norajane
Author hopeless4u Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 I guess I missed the part where there is evidence that she in fact knows that he'll never be able to go NC with you? How does she know that? Which is beside the point, why are you worrying about whether she will kick him out or let him stay? Shouldn't you be wondering why he he stays? She knows because she asked me on the 1st DDay did I think he could do it? and on 2nd DDay she told him she knew he was still talking to me and he has told her he still has feelings for me. How can any W that has had a rocky M with her H for 20+ years expect him to never speak to someone who has become his bestfriend, I'm sorry but its just not going to happen. He hasn't stayed, he's moved out to sort his head out. I think he will go back because its safe but thats not what I'm asking. I'm not blasting anyone, just trying to understand why someone would stay with a man who she knows has feelings for another woman??
ladydesigner Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I'm not blasting anyone, just trying to understand why someone would stay with a man who she knows has feelings for another woman?? If my H outright told me he had feelings for someone else then I would leave. Why compete when the prize is not worthy of winning.
Author hopeless4u Posted February 13, 2010 Author Posted February 13, 2010 What happened to all this? You said these things just within the last week! Your answer to the question posted in this thread is the same as the answer to "how much will YOU take?" When will YOU say "enough is enough"??? Apparently, you'll take it for as long as he dishes it out. His wife, too, only she has 20 years of marriage and history for doing so. No, no, its not about me taking him back.....Yes we spoke at work and yes he gave the Blah, Blah....this isn't about him, I'm just totally amazed that after everything that has happened his W is still asking him to come home!! Honest, I get that I've been under that bus and if it comes to it I will go straight back under but this is me trying to understand what is going through his W's head. I always said she would never leave him and this has just proved it. I know I don't need to go there but its just something that was going round my head.
Author hopeless4u Posted February 13, 2010 Author Posted February 13, 2010 I am truly sorry for what you are being put through as well. I am at a point in life where what is most important to me is my health, sanity, and making sure my kids are living the best life possible. If anything else starts to interfere with that then I need to start making some very big decisions. I guess I'm lucky in the kids dept, my son has just turned 18 and he and his dad (xH) are very close, xMM's kids are 19 & 24 so are adults. I'm not going nuts at this stage, just asking a question thats going round my head. I knew when I posted I may get some grief but I just wanted to know how other people thought. Its good that you can see where your head is and that you put your kids first, how old are they??
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Chances are he's lying to her, saying things about you (probably throwing you under the bus again) to save his own ass. Yes, she has chosen to believe him, as someone else said, because they are married, have kids, have a life together, a long history together. Does it really matter why she's decided to stay? Does he matter why he's chosen to stay? Unless you're a fly on the wall, you have NO idea what truly goes on in their home, behind closed doors. Question to you is, why are you hanging on? Why are you still talking to him about his persona life? Yeah, so the A is over, and you work together, you do not have to have personal conversations with him. It shouldn't bother you this much, yet it does. Also, consider this, HE tells you she may have cheated many years ago, maybe he's LYING about that! Or greatly exaggerating. To keep you on your toes. Anyway, I hope for your own sanity you can get over him. He's made his decision, and that's not to leave his marriage. you have no choice but to accept that and let go of the "why's and how's" as at the end of the day it really doesn't matter and it's not your concern.
Author hopeless4u Posted February 13, 2010 Author Posted February 13, 2010 If my H outright told me he had feelings for someone else then I would leave. Why compete when the prize is not worthy of winning. This is where I get confused of why she stays with him. He has told her this and knows in her heart he will never be able to keep up NC with me, even as friends. He is a good man and has been manipulated for most of his life by the 'women' in his life, W and M and it kills me. He is still being manipulated and he just can't see it, knows no better or wants to be where he is!! So confusing?? There is so much more to this man but he has no chance of being himself while he is 'doing the right thing'
Author hopeless4u Posted February 13, 2010 Author Posted February 13, 2010 Chances are he's lying to her, saying things about you (probably throwing you under the bus again) to save his own ass. Yes, she has chosen to believe him, as someone else said, because they are married, have kids, have a life together, a long history together. Does it really matter why she's decided to stay? Does he matter why he's chosen to stay? Unless you're a fly on the wall, you have NO idea what truly goes on in their home, behind closed doors. Question to you is, why are you hanging on? Why are you still talking to him about his persona life? Yeah, so the A is over, and you work together, you do not have to have personal conversations with him. It shouldn't bother you this much, yet it does. Also, consider this, HE tells you she may have cheated many years ago, maybe he's LYING about that! Or greatly exaggerating. To keep you on your toes. Anyway, I hope for your own sanity you can get over him. He's made his decision, and that's not to leave his marriage. you have no choice but to accept that and let go of the "why's and how's" as at the end of the day it really doesn't matter and it's not your concern. I know everything he says could be a lie but this thread wasn't about him. Yes we spoke at work and yes we spoke about personal things.....2 year R just gone tits up, I think thats normal, A or not. The thread was about BS's and just how much they would put up with, not what I've put up with or if I am getting over him. I believe he's told the truth about the basics, she knows he has feelings for me and she knows he's having trouble letting me go as a friend. This is why I started the thread.
norajane Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 I don't know why this is so hard for you to understand. You give him the benefit of the doubt and you've only had an affair with him for a couple of years. He's been in her life for 20 years, she has children with him, and most of her adult life has been wrapped up in his. Of course his wife is going to try give him the benefit of the doubt to start with. To her, you are a blip on their overall marital radar, not the iceberg that's going to sink their ship. She's not ready to accept the reality that she's married to an ass, and it's going to take her far longer to accept that reality than it takes you. She may never get there, especially if he's telling her that his affair is NOT cause to end their marriage.
norajane Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 I know everything he says could be a lie Well, if you know that, then you should be able to understand that what you think you know and what really is aren't the same thing. Hence, your confusion.
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 The thread was about BS's and just how much they would put up with I think NJ's answer sums it up nicely. One more thing, why should she have to walk away? 2 D-Days and him lying and minimizing you and the A, to her. She loves him, enough to want to continue her marriage. Maybe there's more going on than you know, stuff he's never told you. She's fighting for her husband and marriage, and like it or not, she has that right. Her level for forgiveness is very high and feels he deserves another chance.
Author hopeless4u Posted February 13, 2010 Author Posted February 13, 2010 I don't know why this is so hard for you to understand. You give him the benefit of the doubt and you've only had an affair with him for a couple of years. He's been in her life for 20 years, she has children with him, and most of her adult life has been wrapped up in his. Of course his wife is going to try give him the benefit of the doubt to start with. To her, you are a blip on their overall marital radar, not the iceberg that's going to sink their ship. She's not ready to accept the reality that she's married to an ass, and it's going to take her far longer to accept that reality than it takes you. She may never get there, especially if he's telling her that his affair is NOT cause to end their marriage. Ironic really...xMM asked me the same thing. How could I not get my head around the fact that his W could still want/love him after all that has happened but I could??? My answer is that its not me he's been lying to for the last 2 yrs and since DDay, when he needs to tell all its me he comes to, everytime??? Even now after everthing that has happened its me he turns to, he has told me things he knows will hurt me to the core but he knows he can tell me and I'll either tell him to f**k off or let him vent. He knows who his wife is and what he can tell her and he knows who his best friend is and his best friend will be there for him no matter what his decision is. Thats what makes us solid.
bittersweet memories Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 . So anyway, I'm babbling, there is so much more to all this but what is eating away at me is why is his W still accepting him back when she knows in her heart he will never be able to do NC with me, even if its just as friends. As a BS, could you??? Again, this isn't to annoy anyone, just getting my head round it all I guess. Never say never...anything is possible;)
norajane Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 My answer is that its not me he's been lying to for the last 2 yrs See, this is how you are deluding yourself. This is why you are confused. He has been lying to you for the past 2 years. You just don't see it. You will. At some point. But right now, you believe in him.
Author hopeless4u Posted February 13, 2010 Author Posted February 13, 2010 I think NJ's answer sums it up nicely. One more thing, why should she have to walk away? 2 D-Days and him lying and minimizing you and the A, to her. She loves him, enough to want to continue her marriage. Maybe there's more going on than you know, stuff he's never told you. She's fighting for her husband and marriage, and like it or not, she has that right. Her level for forgiveness is very high and feels he deserves another chance. I agree that if she loves him then yes, she should fight for her M, it does cross my mind that she only started fighting for it when she thought someone else wanted him (maybe the jolt she needed to realise what a good man she has) and yes maybe there is more going on than I know about. This is the reason I started this thread, not to be harsh to his W or anyone else, just to get an insight.
bittersweet memories Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 (edited) Ironic really...xMM asked me the same thing. How could I not get my head around the fact that his W could still want/love him after all that has happened but I could??? My answer is that its not me he's been lying to for the last 2 yrs and since DDay, when he needs to tell all its me he comes to, everytime??? Even now after everthing that has happened its me he turns to, he has told me things he knows will hurt me to the core but he knows he can tell me and I'll either tell him to f**k off or let him vent. He knows who his wife is and what he can tell her and he knows who his best friend is and his best friend will be there for him no matter what his decision is. Thats what makes us solid. Well you don't know what happens behind closed doors..ofcourse he's going to tell you what you want to hear but its not necessarly the truth. She took him back, like you took him back. Even after he throw YOU under the bus you still continue, same for the wife. So you are no better than she thats for sure. Edited February 13, 2010 by bittersweet memories
Author hopeless4u Posted February 13, 2010 Author Posted February 13, 2010 See, this is how you are deluding yourself. This is why you are confused. He has been lying to you for the past 2 years. You just don't see it. You will. At some point. But right now, you believe in him. I see where you are coming from with the MM's lies an such and when I've been angry I would agree but in the cold light of day he has always tried to do the right thing but he hasn't actually lied to me....he never promised to leave his W, he always said that if it came to it he would choose his family because he has never wanted to leave for me and I have always agreed with that. Guess we are both as messed up as each other...but again this thread wasn't about me and him, just me getting my head round stuff.
bittersweet memories Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 How sad, you still believe his crap after everything he did to you.. Maybe you should ask "yourself" when is enough enough, you seem to put up with as much as the wife. 1
Author hopeless4u Posted February 13, 2010 Author Posted February 13, 2010 How sad, you still believe his crap after everything he did to you.. Maybe you should ask "yourself" when is enough enough, you seem to put up with as much as the wife. I can see where you are coming from, sort of, but I don't see how I have put up with as much as his wife?? He M her and lied to her about being faithfull for 20+ yrs??? I met him, I knew he was M(my ****, not hers) but he never lied to me about sharing his life with his W, he never lied to me about not wanting to leave her for me and he still isn't lying to me that he isn't sure about what he wants so WHO is he lying to still?? Is he laying next to his W telling her about OUR conversations about how he feels?? No he isn't. I put up with it because I am and always will be his best friend, relationship or no relationship. I don't need to be M to him or sharing his bed to be there for him and he knows that.
awkward Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 I'm not blasting anyone, just trying to understand why someone would stay with a man who she knows has feelings for another woman?? Look in the mirror and answer the question. It might help you understand. why is his W still accepting him back when she knows in her heart he will never be able to do NC with me, even if its just as friends. How long ago was DDay 1? If he is lying to her then I can see why she took him back. Personally, I wouldn't take any man back that disrespected me like that nor want a man that disrespected his wife like that. xMM and I have not carried on with the A since DDay #1 but we have been in contact and again since DDay #2 the contact has been low but its there....I can't help but think everytime that its his W he is lying to again. This time he has moved out to get his head sorted out but he is still lying to her so he can make sure I'm ok?? I know she knows because she hasn't text or called me and thats because she's asked him to come home, he's said no and is trying to prove she can get past this by not getting in touch with me and she knows I will tell him. There is so much in these two paragraphs but it doesn't really matter. Right now you believe him. He is not lying to her so he can make sure you're ok. Your MM's world revolves around him. What he does, says, etc. is for himself and his own ego. I can't believe he has you believing his crap again. MM if you still read here, why not post and explain why you are jerking your OW around?
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