Sassygirl2 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Hi, let me first say I am thankful to find this community as I've been reading lots of good advice here for a few days. My boyfriend of one year (we are in our mid-forties) has decided that he needs "space". I was devastated at 1st. He went from several loving calls/texts a day and spending several nights a week at his house with him checking in every few days and saying "How ya doing, Lady?" A little background, we are both divorced with kids. His are teenagers doing their own thing and mine are still young and I have them part-time. It's important to him to live a "simple, happy" life with NO drama. He stressed this several times to me. Over the last year we got into a few fights and he thought I was trying to ruin his fun or bring him down. He is a very vivacious person which is probably why I love him so much. Our sex life was great and the closeness and touch of him is what I miss the most. The last week I bought the "Get your Ex Back" ebooks which all say to do NC. I have been doing pretty good with NC until he called yesterday. He was friendly and I asked if we could talk last night. He invited me over for dinner and we talked. I told him it was hard to act like friends with him when I just want things to go back to how it was 2 weeks ago. He said it was hard for him too. It was awkward. I tried to get close to him but he seemed distant. He hugged me a few times and kissed me quickly goodbye and then walked me to my car. I told him I missed him and that I wanted to stay the night and he said he missed me too but that was not a good idea right now. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I know in my heart that he may not be the man for me but it really sucks. I am lonely and missing him so much. Even when I keep myself busy it doesn't help. Even when I have my kids, I think they will keep my mind off of him. I know I need to work on myself and take this time to get myself together. I just don't like being alone. I asked him if he was just trying to let me down easy and he said, "no". I believe him because he would tell me the truth. He did say he was surprised at how well I was handling this. Of course I got defensive with him and said, "what did you expect me to do?? Fall apart because you are not in my life anymore?" Even though inside, I am falling apart. I guess part of me wants to believe that we may get back together in the future. Thank you for reading this. Any advice?
jb89 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Give him the space. Cut off all contact, expect the worst. You won't be let down regardless of the outcome.
GrayClouds Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Thank you for reading this. Any advice? Sorry about your loss. While it sounds like your hurting it also seems like your doing really well. Space is another word for break-up, or more accurately "there is someone else I have my eye on but I do not want to let you go so I have a back up." It is time to focus on your self and healing. Read the follow and do what it says: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? Good luck, remember you deserve someone who doe snot have to think if they want to be with you or not.
Author Sassygirl2 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 I know there is no one else because I asked him. If he is one thing, he is honest about that. I wish there was a magic pill that could take the "I can't breathe" feeling away. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack because I can't eat, sleep, watch TV, etc.. Everything reminds me of him. I don't want to go through this again, ever! How do people get through this pain??
jen_r Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I know there is no one else because I asked him. If he is one thing, he is honest about that. I wish there was a magic pill that could take the "I can't breathe" feeling away. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack because I can't eat, sleep, watch TV, etc.. Everything reminds me of him. I don't want to go through this again, ever! How do people get through this pain?? ^^ I'm in the sammmme boat. The same sinking boat. I would also like to know how people get through the pain. It seems never ending. And it has me asking myself.."is falling in love worth this much pain in the end?" ....im thinking NO.
CaliGuy Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I know there is no one else because I asked him. If he is one thing, he is honest about that. I wish there was a magic pill that could take the "I can't breathe" feeling away. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack because I can't eat, sleep, watch TV, etc.. Everything reminds me of him. I don't want to go through this again, ever! How do people get through this pain?? Did you read the links provided to you? Honestly we've all been through this before and are telling you what we've experienced and used to heal and move on. If you want to do the same, read the links. Trust me, you stand no greater chance of losing him if you implement NC and give him space. You can, however, make things MUCH worse by not respecting his desire for space. By the way, I love Jeff Foxworthy's explanation of space: "I never did like breaking up with people. And I guess everybody here has broken up with somebody. We've all heard the break up lines, there's a million of 'em. I was picking out a few of my favorites, like "I need some space." Which is half a sentence. The rest of it is "without you in it." More from Foxworthy: "I think my all-time favorite: "I think we should start seeing other people." Trust me, nobody has ever said that one to you without having somebody else in mind. Guys, if a woman says to you "I think we should start seeing other people," trust me, she has already cut a pony from the herd, and if she ain't ridin' him yet, she *has* pulled the saddle out of the barn."
D-Lish Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I agree that if someone asks for space, it's important to give it to them. You can gain a bit of control back by cutting off all contact completely - that way, it's you making a decision, instead of him. Everytime a relationship ends, whether it's me ending it, or someone else doing it- I jump into a project. WHen my marriage ended, I focused on my career and I joined a gym and lost a crapload of weight. I try to make something else a focus for me so it minimizes the time I spend thinking about the loss. Sorry for what you are going through. It's hard to maintain no contact at first, but the longer you go at it, the easier it becomes.
Author Sassygirl2 Posted February 13, 2010 Author Posted February 13, 2010 Caliguy: Yes, I did read the links and they are very informative and helpful. Thank you. I know (in my mind) the reasonable way to think and act, but tell that to my heart when I miss him so much. I know, pathetic. It just hurts like hell today but I know it will get better. Jen r: Thanks for sharing - I'm sorry you are going thru this too. I wonder the exact same thing........is love really worth it? I know that when I get my head on straight and get my act together I will feel much better - can we fast forward to that time?? Does anyone think it helps to stay with friends or family during a time like this? I don't like being alone (obviously) and when my kids are not here I find I just want to be around people. Maybe I should get a dog......
GrayClouds Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Caliguy: Yes, I did read the links and they are very informative and helpful. Thank you. I know (in my mind) the reasonable way to think and act, but tell that to my heart when I miss him so much. I know, pathetic. It just hurts like hell today but I know it will get better. Jen r: Thanks for sharing - I'm sorry you are going thru this too. I wonder the exact same thing........is love really worth it? I know that when I get my head on straight and get my act together I will feel much better - can we fast forward to that time?? Does anyone think it helps to stay with friends or family during a time like this? I don't like being alone (obviously) and when my kids are not here I find I just want to be around people. Maybe I should get a dog...... Family and friends are great, dogs if your willing to do the work of walking them every day are a wonderful drug. If you read the links that is what they say. Start committing yourself to teh new life with out him. Start exercising (even if it is walking the dog every day). It will help restore you brain chemicals back to normal. For now they are making you feel much of that hurt and panic, it is a natural chemical reaction that happen in your body when a break up happens. Start a hobbies, like a dog or a class or something else you always been intrtestined in trying. Make usre your eating well, good healthy foods, regularly. And re-read those links again and again. Everything your feeling is the same we all have gone through at some point, you not alone so when we say you going to be ok f you follow these steps, we know from experence.
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