Wife left.

[iheartboobs]

New guy here, but if anyone wants to read my story and comment or make suggestions, I'd appreciate it.

 

I've been with my wife a little over 8 years, she left on Feb. 1, here's the story from begining to end as well as I can tell it: 6 years ago we were at a party, we were both very drunk and my wife got a little frisky with another man (she lifted up his shirt and licked his nipple), this isn't something that would generally upset me because we're both fairly easy-going, but at the time I had half a bottle of tequila in me and I slapped the crap out of her. This was a very tough thing for me to get over, I cried and was sick for days, I tried to get her to leave me but she stayed and got me out of my funk. I promised her I would never do that again.

 

Around about 5 years ago, I lost my faith and slowly but surely became a much worse person, I was quicker to anger and raise my voice, I started to hate myself even though at the time I didn't know it. I took all of this out on my wife and was just generally very emotionally abusive to her... I did my best to make her feel as worthless as I felt even though, at the time, I didn't even know anything was wrong with me.

 

About 4 years ago, we went through some tough economic times and my father offered to let us stay with him. Not long after we got back on our feet but my wife found out she was pregnant and so we decided to stay there for a while to save money. A little while after that my dad suggested that if we pooled our money together, we could all move in to a bigger house, I didn't like the idea because I knew my father (he could be on his best behavior when it suited him, but if he thought you needed him for something he would be more emotionally abusive than I could ever dream of being... he's got 5 other children and 3 ex-wives that won't speak to him for just that reason) my wife, on the other hand, wanted a big house with a big yard for our daughter to play in, so we went for it. Soon afterwards, my dad started his old tricks again because he knew we couldn't afford the mortgage without him.

 

So for about the last 4 years my wife has been living with two emotionally abusive and potentially explosive men. Around the first week in December, things started to get even worse. For about 3 years my wife has gone to a local bar to sing karaoke almost every Friday night after work, she almost never drank, maybe 1 every couple of weeks, and always came home after karaoke ended at 2:00. Starting in December she always drank when she went to the bar, usually 4-6 strong mixed drinks, she went on both Friday and Saturday nights, and stayed until they closed at 4:00.

 

This agitated me and I asked her what was wrong, she wouldn't tell me anything specific, only that she had been depressed. I told her that I didn't mind her going out if she needed to, that I trusted her, but I did want her to call if she was going to be out so late so I wouldn't worry (her phone was old and sometimes the battery would die, or the bar was loud and she couldn't hear the phone ring so calling her wasn't always an option). She said she would and I was happy. The next week she stayed out both nights until 4:00 and never called, I told her she had promised and she said I was right and she would remember next time. For the next 3 weeks it was the same story, she stayed out, didn't call, told me she was sorry and would do better.

 

One Friday night I had to cover for someone at work, my wife called me at 2:00 to tell me that karaoke was over and she was going to leave to come see me, but she had had one drink about an hour before and there was a cop right outside waiting on people so she was going to hang out for about an hour and then come on by. I thought "thank God, my wife is back!" At 4:00 she still hadn't come by and her phone was dead, so I went up to the bar, she was on her way out when I pulled up... I went balistic: yelling, screaming, I asked what was wrong with her? or if she was too stupid to call when she said she would or what? She cried for a long time and said she would call from then on, she knew she had been wrong but if I was just patient, she could get better. I said okay and we went home.

 

The next night she called me at 12:00 when she got off work, she said she was going to the bar to talk to a friend, but she wouldn't be there more than 30 minutes and would be home by 1:00 at the latest. At 1:30 when I still hadn't heard from her I went to bed. At 2:00 she called me to say she couldn't find her keys, she'd been looking for an hour and she thinks she locked them in her car. I was furious. I drove down to the bar, she met me outside and before she could say anything I slapped her. I don't want to rationalize what I did, because it was wrong, but I didn't slap her hard... it was a light pop on the cheek to try and get her out of this fog she had been in for a month and start acting like my wife again or at least talk to me about what was wrong.

 

The next day she told me she had a miscarriage at the begining of December, that it was the third one she had that year, and that she had been drinking in order to try and forget. She then said she was sorry about breaking her promises to call me but it was hard to remember to call when you're drinking to forget. She then told me that she would have called me at 1:00 but she was afraid she'd wake me up and I'd yell at her so she didn't want to do it unless she had to. Finally she told me about an abusive relationship she'd had before me and that she couldn't handle being hit, so it could never happen again. I told her she should have told me everything sooner, that I wouldn't have been so angry with her if I'd have just know what was going on, that I was sorry I had hit her, and if I knew all the circumstances before that I wouldn't have done it.

 

I thought "finally, everything's out in the open, it took something drastic, but she's finally talking to me". Over the next week she became more reclusive and wary around me, I asked her what was wrong and she said it was because I had hit her, I told her that I hadn't hit her hard, it could not possibly have hurt, if I had spanked our daughter like that she'd laugh at me, and that she just needed to get over it. Over the next two weeks she pulled away from me even more, she wanted to hang out with her friends on the days she was off from work, she didn't want to have sex, kiss me, or even say "I love you" on the phone. When I asked her what was wrong she'd say that she was still depressed over the miscarriage and there was nothing I could do.

 

Monday, Feb. 1 I was at work when my dad called me, he said my wife had left with our daughter and he went into my room and there was a card with my name on it, he read me the card: "I don't feel safe with you anymore, I've taken our daughter to somewhere I can feel safe for a while. Don't try to find me and don't come to my work. We can talk on the phone but no personal contact." I was devistated, what could I have done that would lead to this?

 

I called her and asked her what did she mean she didn't feel safe? We'd been together for 8 years, I had hit her once while drunk so I stopped drinking heavily, and the other time I had barely touched her, so why would she possibly think I was going to go off and start beating her for no reason? She said she couldn't eat, she could barely sleep, that she couldn't go to sleep until I had and if she woke up and I was already up she'd burst into tears thinking what I'd do to her while she was asleep. I told her she was acting like I abused her, she told me there were more kinds of abuse than just physical. That's when it hit me. How I had treated her all these years; the yelling, belittling, how I would bring up past wrongs she had done as ammo to hurt her with, and the big one: that when I hit her so long ago, I had cause more than just physical pain. I hurt her emotionally, I scared her, I made her feel that she was worthless and that I couldn't love her if I did this thing... then I broke my promise and did it again because, to me, the two incidents were completely different (once was to hurt her, the other wasn't), but to her they were the exact same.

 

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.

 

I cried, begged, pleaded, told her I was so sorry, that I didn't understand what I was doing, but I knew now and I'd never do it again, to please give me another chance. She told me no, that there was no hope for us.

 

Over the next few days, with the help of friends, family, and a lot of prayer I found my faith again. I thought about everything I'd done wrong and what I could do the change myself. I called my wife every day to share these revelations with her and to continue to beg forgiveness. I finally stopped calling her on the 4th and haven't since. She came by where I work to drop off our daughter on the 11th, I asked her how she was doing and she said okay, she said she still wasn't eating and that she'd lost 15 pounds and that our daughter had lost a couple too. I told her the separation wasn't good for our daughter and asked if there was any way I could make this right. She said no. I told her okay, I was sorry for what I'd done and if she needed me for anything to call, I'd help if I could.

 

Later that day she called about some flyers she'd left with me (about a month before I told her I could ask the manager if I could put up flyers for the hotel she works at so she'd get some kind of bonus) to see if I'd gotten them put up. I told her no, that the manager was on vacation for two weeks and then she left me so I didn't do it. She said oh, well, do you think you could? I told her I wanted to help her, but no, I was not going to do that.

 

That's when it hit me... this woman isn't nearly as great as I made her out to be. She's selfish, she's not empathetic, she will take and take and take and never give (which is why her friendships never work out for long), but most importantly, she had years to tell me that the way I was treating her was hurting her, and sometimes she did on some things, but she never sat me down and said "this is a serious problem, you need to change or I'm gone" and on other things she never said a word. Don't get me wrong, she's got a lot of good qualities, that's why I married her and loved her for so long, but she's got her share of the bad too. Realizing that I've not just lost the one perfect woman in existence to what was 100% my fault has made this a lot easier.

 

So, at this point, my plan is just to get over it, get out of that house, move on, and put it in God's hands... if she decides she wants to get back together at some point in the future, then great, I can decide how I feel about it then, if not, then at least I haven't spent the next however many week, months, or even years pining over her.

 

Whew! Well, if you got through all that, you have my thanks, if you've got any comments or suggestions, I'd appreciate those too.

[PrettyinInk]

you should go to counseling.

 

i have been in an abusive relationship as well, and trust me abusive men always apologize and beg and plead and say they will "never do it again"; and then they do.

 

the last part of your story seemed rediculous to me, you realized your wife was selfish because she wanted your help with something? you abused her for six years and she put up with your crap, then she asks you for one thing and you realize she is not the person you thought she was? it all just seems like nonsense and a way for you to justify your horrible behavior.

 

whether your not your wife decides to take you back is neither here nor there, for the sake of your future, and any woman who might become a part of that (including your daughter) you need to seek counseling.

 

take responsibility for your actions, show your wife, your daughter, your father that you can become a better person. maybe it will even rub off on your dad.

[aimchase]

Pretty took the words out of my mouth - you clearly have a problem controlling your anger, and is soundslike it might be inherent from your father. Good on you for admitting this, that's a positive step. You do need professional help to deal with this though.

 

It's early days and you're in for a big rollercoaster ride yetof all sorts of emotions, but the one thing I would suggest is that you continue to keep the contact to a minimum and demonstrate your intentions by your actions, not your words. By all means explain what you intend to do, but don't go pleading for her back on that account as it will work against you.

 

With the help and time will come a realisation of what you both really want. It could go either way, but whatever the outcome, you'll be a better person for it.

 

Best of luck.

[iheartboobs]

I'm actually in counseling, as well as a men's ministry and going to church for the first time in years. My counselor feels I'm making very good progress; I understand my problems, I'm seeking help, and I'm trying to change. I believe I have started to change: things that used to really tick me off don't bother me anymore, I haven't lost my temper, gotten angry, or been condescending once since my wake-up call.

 

I apologize if the last bit of my story seems rediculous, but it did help me to realize that she's not a perfect princess and that I'm not an ogre... we're both just people, and while I had much more to do with us separating than she did, we both had faults and made mistakes. When my wife used my feelings of hurt, guilt, and desperation to try and get me to put up advertisements, it just kind of reminded me that she's not perfect, that she can be selfish and vindictive too. (C'mon, it's not like she needed me to put up flyers... she just wanted to see if I would)

 

I appreciate the comments, guys, if I'm going to get better, I need the truth... even if it hurts.

[Brooke79]

It sounds to me like you are being vindictive. Why not put up the posters if you agreed too. Not like I think your wife should come back to you, but that very petty and mean behavior that you exhibited is just another example to her of the type of person you can be. You really need counseling.

[iheartboobs]

I'm in counseling.

 

Everyone I've talked to (including the counselor) has agreed that her asking me to do this is just a way to play with me and show her power over me. I mean, she's not going to get anything out of it except maybe a "good job" or a $25 gift certificate and it's not like I can just tape a flyer up at work, I have to set up a meeting with the VP of a multinational corportation and get his approval before I can start putting these things up... I'm really sorry if that sounds petty and vindictive to you, but that's something I'd do for a wife, but I'm not about to do for an ex-wife.

[Brooke79]

if you told her that you would do it...why not keep your word? You are not doing it because you are understandably hurt, but two things: 1. You should follow through on doing what you said you would, so what if it benefits her, you agreed to it. You have wronged her so many times, just do the right thing, what you said you would. 2. You have to accept that YOU have played a major role in damaging this woman's heart, you abused her over and over physically and emotionally, and she finally got the strength to leave and you can't be angry by that. Think if she wasn't your wife and was your sister and had suffered years of abuse from someone, wouldn't you think she should leave. Just put yourself outside the situation and look from another perspective, because from what you have written I see very little fault from her except accepting your abuse.

[iheartboobs]

There's no argument that she should have left me, I agree that she was right to leave... in fact, considering all the emotional abuse, I think she should have left earlier instead of waiting for me to hit her a second time. I'm not arguing that. What I am saying is, even with everything I put her through, I made a promise to my wife that I would try to hang those advertisements, and she's no longer my wife... I'm not really sure what she is, but I know it's not a wife. I want to help her, I told her if she needed anything to let me know (you know, food, clothes, money for the car payment), but this isn't something she needs, it's just something she wants. I'm sorry about how I treated her, I hate it if you think it's wrong to not do this, and, if possible, I'd love a reconciliation and the chance to prove that I'm a different and better man, father, and husband... but I don't think becoming a slave to her whims is the right thing to do.

[hopesndreams]

New guy here, but if anyone wants to read my story and comment or make suggestions, I'd appreciate it.

 

I've been with my wife a little over 8 years, she left on Feb. 1, here's the story from begining to end as well as I can tell it: 6 years ago we were at a party, we were both very drunk and my wife got a little frisky with another man (she lifted up his shirt and licked his nipple), this isn't something that would generally upset me because we're both fairly easy-going, but at the time I had half a bottle of tequila in me and I slapped the crap out of her. This was a very tough thing for me to get over, I cried and was sick for days, I tried to get her to leave me but she stayed and got me out of my funk. I promised her I would never do that again.

 

Around about 5 years ago, I lost my faith and slowly but surely became a much worse person, I was quicker to anger and raise my voice, I started to hate myself even though at the time I didn't know it. I took all of this out on my wife and was just generally very emotionally abusive to her... I did my best to make her feel as worthless as I felt even though, at the time, I didn't even know anything was wrong with me.

 

About 4 years ago, we went through some tough economic times and my father offered to let us stay with him. Not long after we got back on our feet but my wife found out she was pregnant and so we decided to stay there for a while to save money. A little while after that my dad suggested that if we pooled our money together, we could all move in to a bigger house, I didn't like the idea because I knew my father (he could be on his best behavior when it suited him, but if he thought you needed him for something he would be more emotionally abusive than I could ever dream of being... he's got 5 other children and 3 ex-wives that won't speak to him for just that reason) my wife, on the other hand, wanted a big house with a big yard for our daughter to play in, so we went for it. Soon afterwards, my dad started his old tricks again because he knew we couldn't afford the mortgage without him.

 

So for about the last 4 years my wife has been living with two emotionally abusive and potentially explosive men. Around the first week in December, things started to get even worse. For about 3 years my wife has gone to a local bar to sing karaoke almost every Friday night after work, she almost never drank, maybe 1 every couple of weeks, and always came home after karaoke ended at 2:00. Starting in December she always drank when she went to the bar, usually 4-6 strong mixed drinks, she went on both Friday and Saturday nights, and stayed until they closed at 4:00.

 

This agitated me and I asked her what was wrong, she wouldn't tell me anything specific, only that she had been depressed. I told her that I didn't mind her going out if she needed to, that I trusted her, but I did want her to call if she was going to be out so late so I wouldn't worry (her phone was old and sometimes the battery would die, or the bar was loud and she couldn't hear the phone ring so calling her wasn't always an option). She said she would and I was happy. The next week she stayed out both nights until 4:00 and never called, I told her she had promised and she said I was right and she would remember next time. For the next 3 weeks it was the same story, she stayed out, didn't call, told me she was sorry and would do better.

 

One Friday night I had to cover for someone at work, my wife called me at 2:00 to tell me that karaoke was over and she was going to leave to come see me, but she had had one drink about an hour before and there was a cop right outside waiting on people so she was going to hang out for about an hour and then come on by. I thought "thank God, my wife is back!" At 4:00 she still hadn't come by and her phone was dead, so I went up to the bar, she was on her way out when I pulled up... I went balistic: yelling, screaming, I asked what was wrong with her? or if she was too stupid to call when she said she would or what? She cried for a long time and said she would call from then on, she knew she had been wrong but if I was just patient, she could get better. I said okay and we went home.

 

The next night she called me at 12:00 when she got off work, she said she was going to the bar to talk to a friend, but she wouldn't be there more than 30 minutes and would be home by 1:00 at the latest. At 1:30 when I still hadn't heard from her I went to bed. At 2:00 she called me to say she couldn't find her keys, she'd been looking for an hour and she thinks she locked them in her car. I was furious. I drove down to the bar, she met me outside and before she could say anything I slapped her. I don't want to rationalize what I did, because it was wrong, but I didn't slap her hard... it was a light pop on the cheek to try and get her out of this fog she had been in for a month and start acting like my wife again or at least talk to me about what was wrong.

 

The next day she told me she had a miscarriage at the begining of December, that it was the third one she had that year, and that she had been drinking in order to try and forget. She then said she was sorry about breaking her promises to call me but it was hard to remember to call when you're drinking to forget. She then told me that she would have called me at 1:00 but she was afraid she'd wake me up and I'd yell at her so she didn't want to do it unless she had to. Finally she told me about an abusive relationship she'd had before me and that she couldn't handle being hit, so it could never happen again. I told her she should have told me everything sooner, that I wouldn't have been so angry with her if I'd have just know what was going on, that I was sorry I had hit her, and if I knew all the circumstances before that I wouldn't have done it.

 

I thought "finally, everything's out in the open, it took something drastic, but she's finally talking to me". Over the next week she became more reclusive and wary around me, I asked her what was wrong and she said it was because I had hit her, I told her that I hadn't hit her hard, it could not possibly have hurt, if I had spanked our daughter like that she'd laugh at me, and that she just needed to get over it. Over the next two weeks she pulled away from me even more, she wanted to hang out with her friends on the days she was off from work, she didn't want to have sex, kiss me, or even say "I love you" on the phone. When I asked her what was wrong she'd say that she was still depressed over the miscarriage and there was nothing I could do.

 

Monday, Feb. 1 I was at work when my dad called me, he said my wife had left with our daughter and he went into my room and there was a card with my name on it, he read me the card: "I don't feel safe with you anymore, I've taken our daughter to somewhere I can feel safe for a while. Don't try to find me and don't come to my work. We can talk on the phone but no personal contact." I was devistated, what could I have done that would lead to this?

 

I called her and asked her what did she mean she didn't feel safe? We'd been together for 8 years, I had hit her once while drunk so I stopped drinking heavily, and the other time I had barely touched her, so why would she possibly think I was going to go off and start beating her for no reason? She said she couldn't eat, she could barely sleep, that she couldn't go to sleep until I had and if she woke up and I was already up she'd burst into tears thinking what I'd do to her while she was asleep. I told her she was acting like I abused her, she told me there were more kinds of abuse than just physical. That's when it hit me. How I had treated her all these years; the yelling, belittling, how I would bring up past wrongs she had done as ammo to hurt her with, and the big one: that when I hit her so long ago, I had cause more than just physical pain. I hurt her emotionally, I scared her, I made her feel that she was worthless and that I couldn't love her if I did this thing... then I broke my promise and did it again because, to me, the two incidents were completely different (once was to hurt her, the other wasn't), but to her they were the exact same.

 

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.

 

I cried, begged, pleaded, told her I was so sorry, that I didn't understand what I was doing, but I knew now and I'd never do it again, to please give me another chance. She told me no, that there was no hope for us.

 

Over the next few days, with the help of friends, family, and a lot of prayer I found my faith again. I thought about everything I'd done wrong and what I could do the change myself. I called my wife every day to share these revelations with her and to continue to beg forgiveness. I finally stopped calling her on the 4th and haven't since. She came by where I work to drop off our daughter on the 11th, I asked her how she was doing and she said okay, she said she still wasn't eating and that she'd lost 15 pounds and that our daughter had lost a couple too. I told her the separation wasn't good for our daughter and asked if there was any way I could make this right. She said no. I told her okay, I was sorry for what I'd done and if she needed me for anything to call, I'd help if I could.

 

Later that day she called about some flyers she'd left with me (about a month before I told her I could ask the manager if I could put up flyers for the hotel she works at so she'd get some kind of bonus) to see if I'd gotten them put up. I told her no, that the manager was on vacation for two weeks and then she left me so I didn't do it. She said oh, well, do you think you could? I told her I wanted to help her, but no, I was not going to do that.

 

That's when it hit me... this woman isn't nearly as great as I made her out to be. She's selfish, she's not empathetic, she will take and take and take and never give (which is why her friendships never work out for long), but most importantly, she had years to tell me that the way I was treating her was hurting her, and sometimes she did on some things, but she never sat me down and said "this is a serious problem, you need to change or I'm gone" and on other things she never said a word. Don't get me wrong, she's got a lot of good qualities, that's why I married her and loved her for so long, but she's got her share of the bad too. Realizing that I've not just lost the one perfect woman in existence to what was 100% my fault has made this a lot easier.

 

So, at this point, my plan is just to get over it, get out of that house, move on, and put it in God's hands... if she decides she wants to get back together at some point in the future, then great, I can decide how I feel about it then, if not, then at least I haven't spent the next however many week, months, or even years pining over her.

 

Whew! Well, if you got through all that, you have my thanks, if you've got any comments or suggestions, I'd appreciate those too.

 

Accept the M is over. You screwed up, big time. Some wrongs cannot be made right and you have made some doozies.

[Butterflair]

Personally I don't see how asking you about the fliers makes her a selfish person. It sounds like you offered to do it then changed your mind. Honestly, the fliers are a rather minor thing compared to the abuse. It's very hard to sit the abusing person down and say "you hurt me".

 

Why? because it's bound to make things worse and bring on more verbal abuse or anger. It's easier to say nothing until you've had enough and get the courage to do something. I doubt she's going to be begging you to come back. I wish you luck in getting over the pain of it all. I know that it hurts on all sides.

[iheartboobs]

I've pretty well accepted that unless she has a massive change of heart (something I have absolutely no control over) that the marriage is over. I'm hoping for the best, but unless there's an honest-to-God miracle involved, I'm certainly not banking on it.

 

Things aren't looking too good even if I could get her to forgive me... I talked to a psychiatrist and he asked me what happened, I told him, he asked me how she responded, I told him she was scared that I'd start beating her for no reason or that I'd do something to her while she was asleep. He told me that he could understand her being upset, but that wasn't really a rational response and asked me what I knew about her childhood, I told him and he believes she has post-traumatic stress disorder from her terrible childhood and adolescent years. Additionally, because of all the anti-depressants and mood enhancers her grandmother shoved down her throat between the ages of 6 and 18 keeping her in a constant fog, she never developed any of the mechanisms for dealing with stress or confronting problems that most people do in middle and high school. He said, that in his opinion, just what he heard from me, that it's going to take 2-3 years of serious therapy just to get her to a point where she can start healing. Great, we're both completely screwed up as people.

 

Guys, give up the flyers thing... she asked me if I'd do it, when I said yes she took over a month to print out a flyer for me to show to the VP, after she gave it to me, she took another month to even mention it again. It just isn't that important to her and both my counselor and I are positive that she just wanted to see if I'd do it. I'm really sorry, but if you promised your boyfriend/girlfriend you'd take them to the beach for a vacation and they soon dumped you afterwards, then called you up and told you there was no chance that you'll ever get back together but they still wanted you to take them on vacation, would you do it? Would you think it was a reasonable request or that they were just being selfish?

[SuburbanOblivion]

I think you are either lying about what your therapist said, or that you are lying *to* your therapist about what happened.

 

No psychiatrist in the world who knows all the details here about your anger, your screaming, your putting her down and you hitting her on more than one occasion would say she was being 'irrational' by fearing you'd do it again.

 

You are an abuser, who instead of being honest with himself continues to rational his abuse ("she had years to complain about it!" No **** sherlock, she was afraid it would get worse if she did!).

 

I hope for her sake and the sake of your daughter she files for divorce.

[Butterflair]

but they still wanted you to take them on vacation, would you do it? Would you think it was a reasonable request or that they were just being selfish?

Not quite the same. No, I wouldn't take them on vacation and I didn't. My husband was suppose to go with the family to Disney in Dec., after the separation the end of Nov... no, he didn't go.

 

If I made a promise to do something minor (like fliers) yes, I would have done it because keeping my word is important to me. I know you don't like what I said but from my perspective I don't see this as being selfish on her part, I see it as one more thing that let her down and one more promise that didn't get "follow through". Those are the kinds of things that would hurt me personally. No offense to you personally, I'm just trying to give you feedback.

[iheartboobs]

I told the psychiatrist everything, the years of emotional abuse, hitting her twice, my temper... everything I explained here and more. He said that it's not really a logical train of thought to believe that because I slapped her twice in eight years (six years apart) that I'd start beating her for little or no reason or that I'd do anything to her in her sleep.

 

Anger - rational

Fear - rational

Leaving - rational

Believing I'd beat her in her sleep - irrational

[beanzmom]

Iheart:

 

It's not unrealistic for your wife to be scared of you. You HIT her, not once but twice. When you slapped her the first time, you committed a crime. Battery. At the very least, assault. She could have called the police and you could have been jailed. Lucky for you she didn't.

 

I am living currently in an emotionally abusive situation. I honestly am afraid of my H. He can be violent, but with words and hitting things (never me) like walls and doors. I want to get out of this situation but don't know how. Kudos to your wife for being brave enough to leave. Not just one man, but two (your father).

 

I hope you continue treatment and find a path back to your faith. for yourself and your daughter. You can straighten yourself out and start again.

[iheartboobs]

Thanks, I'm doing my best. I'm trying prayer, church, a men's group for husbands and fathers, counseling, and anger management. I may have no hope at all of getting my wife back, but I can still be a good father and not make the same mistakes in my next relationship.

[Butterflair]

I am living currently in an emotionally abusive situation. I honestly am afraid of my H. He can be violent, but with words and hitting things (never me) like walls and doors. I want to get out of this situation but don't know how. Kudos to your wife for being brave enough to leave. Not just one man, but two (your father).

 

That's how my marriage started long ago. He got upset about things and yelled and slammed his fists into walls, tore things off the trailer, kicked tables over, threw jars of pickles on the floor.. all in anger. He never laid a hand on me but after years of broken curling irons and hair dryers and dishes, I learned which buttons not to push. This meant I could never really talk to him like I wanted to, I couldn't discuss certain things otherwise I'd deal with anger. He couldn't take constructive criticism even if it was presented in a good way.

 

It's easier to see these things outside the marriage now and it's something I don't want to go back to. Neither spouse should be afraid of the other, it should be a loving and protective place to be. Emotionally safe. Wow, writing all of this is actually helping me understand more about myself and what I'm wanting and what happened over the years.

 

Though he never hit me, I knew he wanted to at times and the night I told him I wanted a divorce, I was shaking not sure of what he'd do. I had the phone in one hand and my keys in the other ready to run. My own son told me to run if something went wrong, my dad told me to call 911 or lock myself in a bathroom. So apparently we all knew the potential for violence was there and the possibility it could happen was real.

[beanzmom]

Butterflair, I want to reply to your post, but I don't want to hijack. maybe an offshoot topic...

 

Iheart, I wish you the best of luck. As well as your wife. it is a horrible existence to live all the time watching what you say and how. I truly hope you can change for your daughter. She deserves to have a great daddy...

[iheartboobs]

Feel free to hijack... if this topic can help anybody, more power to 'em.

[Gunny376]

:laugh: Just as long as per LS's & Tony's rules we stay "On Topic! :laugh:

[beanzmom]

Well, since you said it's okay...LOL...

 

I posted my story here on LS in several installments. I don't want to repeat myself, so I'll be brief and general. I live with an alcoholic emotional/mental abuser. He grew up in a family that was neglectful in the best of times. His father is an emotional abuser/user and his mother is a CLASS 1 enabler. And she is a user, as well. H has a HORRIBLE temper and will go off on me with no provocation. He equates a happy marriage with how much $ex he gets in a given week. He works part time and, up until this semester, was also going to school. He stopped school because he "couldn't handle it". So he's working part time and I work 10+ hour days and am expected to handle all the household chores, financial arrangements, grocery shopping, etc. He does not talk to me when he's not getting any.He will tell you differently, but most days he's not working are spent neglecting our sons and instead playing on the computer. My oldest son said to me (unprovoked) that "most days it feels like daddy's a strange man living in our house". sigh.

 

One event happened early this spring. I brought my oldest home from practice and deposited our (then) two year old in the living room. H was on the computer, 5 feet from our front door with his back turned. we were expecting a frost that evening so I told H I was going out to cover the plants. While I was out there, I heard rustling on the other side of our fence. I looked between the slats and there was our little S, running back and forth along the fence. He was dangerously close to falling off the steep embankment that was on the far end of the garden. I ran into the house and out the front door. I called for S who came running. Instead of helping matters (my heart was about to give out from fear), H came screaming out of the house, yelling and calling me every name in the book. What happened was H heard the door open but never looked up from his game to see what was up. He claims he never heard me say I was going outside and that it was all my fault (S was perfectly fine, thank GOD but anything could have happened). He yelled at me in the front yard, calling me an A$$ XXXX and saying all manner of awful stuff at me, saying I was a horrible mother, etc. etc . when I defended myself and said that he could have looked up to see who was opening the front door, he got even angrier and spit in my face and called me a waste of a human being.

 

Yeah.

 

So this is life with my H. I'm always in fear of his outbursts. His incompetency as a parent. His lack of concern for anyone but himself. There's so much more, I don't really want to get into it in this post. But just know that life with a potentially violent man is not a fun situation. He has guns in the house and I'm always in fear that he will hurt me if I argue with him. So I don't talk much.

[hopesndreams]

What is with your user name?

 

Anyways, I think the shrink is right, kinda. Since she made the decision to leave you and is staying away, she is on the path to healing.

 

Sorry if that hurts but I really don't think you have learned enough to deserve her back.

[iheartboobs]

Hah! Well, the username is just practical... I didn't want to put something like "hurtingsobad" or "heartbroken" or anything because if I'm still here in a year or so I'm probably not going to be heart broken or hurting, but I can pretty much guarantee you I'm still going to love boobies.

 

As far as her going and staying gone, I really don't expect her to come back, and it really doesn't bother me that much either. When it happened, it was a complete shock and all I could think about was what I could have done to deserve being left... but then I rededicated my life, began prayer and meditation, and it was like a revelation: "Well, duh! Of course she left, you'd have left too (and a lot sooner) if she'd treated you like that." Have you ever heard born-again Christians use the term "I was blind but now I see"? It was exactly like that, and just in case you don't know, it's a hell of a shock to one minute see yourself as a good husband, and the very next to realize that everything a good husband is, you're not, and everything a good husband is not, you are... it ain't fun.

 

Basically, I'm just not that concerned with getting her back, mostly I want her to get into therapy (I'm trying to get a friend of hers to reccomend a therapist, tell her it's free, and then I'll just go up there and pay after she leaves) for her possible PTSD, and for her to be happy. Honestly, I think I'm getting better and that I could make her happy, but I'm not expecting her to come back, and I certainly won't blame her if she doesn't (I wouldn't).

 

Sorry about your situation, beanzmom, a lot of that sounds like what my wife was going through (near the end I was yelling at her probably twice a week for little things, making comments that were just jokes to me but were very hurtful to her, and even smacked her and told her to get over it), so I can see now why she didn't want to tell me about how I was hurting her... she was afraid telling me I was abusive would make me angry (honestly, it probably would have), and would have brought more abuse. Ugh, that sounds like pure hell, and makes me feel like pure ****, but understanding is the first step on the road to healing.

Edited February 19, 2010 by iheartboobs

[iheartboobs]

Also, wife confused the hell out of me yesterday, anybody got an opinion of what's going on?

 

She came by where I work to drop off our daughter before I left for the day, she's done this 4 times before and every time has stayed in the car, talked to me through the window, and either expressed or implied that there was no way I could fix things or we could ever get back together. The last time she came up (a week ago) I told her I really was sorry for making her life hell over the last 5 years and tried to comfort her with a quick little pat on the arm that she violently pulled away from and began to cry.

 

Well, anyway, this time she got out of the car before I could get to it, she started talking about our daughter and how she's been acting up and losing weight (probably from the stress), and how she (my wife) has lost about 20 pounds herself since she left and had to buy new clothes. She then started to show me her new pants she was wearing and tell me they were a size smaller, and her new shirt, which she also mentioned was a size smaller. I told her that yeah, that's great (because I'm much more interested in why my 3 year old daughter is losing weight, I just can't really get a word in), she laughed and said she could tell I really didn't care. Then she told me about how when I brought my daughter back to her friend's place last week, my daughter told her we'd been at Erin's all weekend and her friend was freaking out because she wanted to know who this Erin girl was, but they asked my daughter questions and figured out that Erin is my brother's and his wife's daughter. I asked why it would even matter and she quickly said "it doesn't".

 

At that point my replacement had arrived, so I told my wife I was going to get our daughter's things and go, she said okay and helped me get everything loaded up (another first). Before I left I noticed a fuzzy in her hair and, out of habit, picked it out... she didn't flinch or anything, she just said thank you, she then took off her sunglasses to show me her new eyeshadow, I said "awesome?" and she lauged and said "you still don't care", I shrugged and started to strap my daughter in, she then yelled a final friendly "bye-bye" before getting back in her car.

 

Now, in a vacuum, none of this is abnormal, but considering that last week she wouldn't get out of the car, cried when I talked to her, and violently pulled away if I tried to touch her, and that last month she was sick because she was so afraid I'd beat her for no reason or possibly rape her in her sleep, it seems kind of odd. I mean, a normal person isn't scared to death of someone one week, and then very comfortable (laughing, happy, and, I could swear, even flirtatious) the next. I was going to talk to my psychiatrist about it next week, because I think I remember him saying that pretending nothing's wrong and acting like you're fine until something triggers a flashback is another sign of post-traumatic stress disorder, but I figured I might as well try and get as much insight before I talked to him as I could.

 

So... does anyone have some of that insight?

[ann09]

"....and I slapped the crap out of her".

 

Sorry, but you lost me right there.