WyoWillow Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Hello. This is the first time that I have posted on LS. I would like to ask some advice from all of you. A little background info: My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years, married for almost 6. I am, at present, going to school online. My husband is the only one of us working. He has a good job and is able to support both of us. My problem is this: As of late, he seems to be more and more interested in drinking large quantities of alcohol in the evenings. He buys a 1.75 L bottle of vodka on Thursdays and it is empty by the next Thursday. This has caused me to lose more and more respect for him. Is this warranted? I care deeply for him. He is my best friend and I don't want to see him slowly killing himself. When I tell him this, he listens, but does not modify his behavior. He is becoming more and more overweight, even though he has promised over and over again to start exercising (we have two thousand dollars worth of exercise equipment only being used by me). Not only am I losing respect for him, but he is no longer attractive to me. We have not been intimate for almost one year. Help, please.
Ronni_W Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 (edited) You might consider taking a more loving and compassionate view. Ask him what has been troubling him of late, and how can you help with the problem or support him (emotionally) while he deals with it himself. Express your concerns for his health in positive ways, and don't bother to mention the fitness equipment -- he already knows about it. You could also gently suggest that he may benefit from a trip to his family doctor, just to make sure that all the major systems and organs are functioning properly. I would suggest that effective communication and problem-solving skills are lacking on both your parts. Quite honestly, you don't sound very open to considering his feelings, needs, concerns, fears, stresses, etc. Your commitment to your husband likely includes some version of "for worse, poorer and in sickness". It sounds as if he is going through one or more these phases now. Yes, he also needs to step up in a major way. But I would find it difficult, given your own mood and attitude that you're putting across in your post. Especially so if he is experiencing stress, fear, ill health, depression, etc. A couple of books that may help you to help him: 'Forgive for Love' by Fred Luskin, and 'We Can Work It Out' by Markman and Notarius. Best of luck. Edited February 12, 2010 by Ronni_W
Author WyoWillow Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Hi Ronni, Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I have asked him what is troubling him many times and his reply is always a vague "to escape." To escape from what? I need to question him further. Something that I neglected to add in my first post was the fact that my ex (the guy I was with for almost 4 years before I started dating my husband) was an abusive alcoholic. My husband does not act like himself when he drinks. He becomes short with me, loses patience easily and snaps at me about the most simple things and I see a reflection of my ex there. That is what troubles me most . We have one of the books that you listed. I will confer with it for advice as well.
WDrake_98 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Hey WyoWillow, I get annoyed with my bf (of 5 months) when he drinks even one beer after work, to "relax". Very frustrating, for someone to have that frame of mind, that to relax after work, they need a drink. I fear it could lead to him becoming an alcoholic. That being said, drinking a 1.75 L in a week is a lot, but I was with a alcoholic who would drink that in 2 days. I would agree with Ronni, you should talk to him more about how you feel, being understanding and sensitive to his ego (all men have it). Not sure if this will work for you, but one of the most effective things I ever said to my bf was quite bluntly, "that's very unattractive when you do that", in reference to his smacking his food while eating. Haven't had that problem much since.
rina_r Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Does he get drunk? Thats what matters. If he drinks but acts normal - its ok. We all can tolerate different amounts of alcohol. I drink wine every day, so what? If he does not get drunl and get mean, then give him a break!
Ronni_W Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 To escape from what? I need to question him further. May I suggest that you "suggest and encourage" him to get professional help to find out what is troubling him so much that he needs to use alcohol and food to escape from? Something that I neglected to add in my first post was the fact that my ex ... was an abusive alcoholic.It makes perfect sense then, that seeing the potential for that to happen again in your current relationship would drive you crazy with fear. Are you expressing this to your husband? From your own experiences, fears and concerns rather than questioning, nagging or accusing him? As well, have you considered getting help yourself, to heal from your prior experience -- to gain confidence, self-esteem, learn how to set and maintain firmer boundaries, etc. It's possible that your husband's behaviour has triggered "old stuff" that could get in the way of you being and doing all that you can to help THIS relationship. This is NOT your old relationship; your husband is NOT your ex. I'm sure you know that intellectually...but sometimes our subconscious is slower to pick up on the obvious [so] it might be worthwhile for you to check what's going on for you on the inside, as well. Rather than just blaming him and growing resentful and disrespectful, I mean. I think...does it sound like you two ought to start marriage counseling yesterday? Your husband also made a commitment to you, to build a good life together and do whatever needs to be done to ensure mutual good feelings, support, etc. If he continues to shut you out and refuse to start working with you to uncover, face and deal with the "problems and demons" that are already present in your marriage then, yes, maybe you will need to make some new decisions to safeguard your own mental, emotional and physical well-being. I know there are no easy answers, and you can't force him to participate in "marriage care" -- hopefully a gentler approach will help him see the value of getting his demons under control...so that you can both move forward to build the happy life that you two envisioned on your wedding day. Very best of luck.
2sunny Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 you have the right to feel any way you want to... what you do with those feelings is another thing. the disease of an alcoholic is not any different than cancer - it requires tolerance an compassion from all in order for an alcoholic to get a better place. this is a tough road to travel - but worth it if recovery is being sought... are you willing to be tolerant and compassionate for the long haul? first and foremost you must stay in a healthy place for YOURSELF... are you doing that now?
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