WDrake_98 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 8 Years ago, I got divorced after being married for 3 years. My current live-in bf and I have been dating for a little over 5 months. Until recently, he had everything I wanted in a husband, and I could think of nothing but being his wife. The feeling was mutual, as he admitted to referring to me as his fiance to his co-workers. Overall, I find him arrogant, selfish, secretive and not willing to be the first to make peace. Just by definition alone on the traits, I'm at the point of giving back his promise ring with a note that basically says, "you're not ready". However, there could be faults in the logic in my thoughts, and before I ruin a good thing, I wanted to reach out for advice. Monday - he worked 8 hrs, I was off. That morning, I made his lunch, ironed his uniform, and pleased him to his liking prior to work, and he never asked me for anything. His job is very physical and he was on his feet all day. Once home, I greeted his passionately. Instantly made him a bath. I then iced and rubbed down his aching legs while he laid in bed. After wards, I brought him dinner in bed and cuddled with him the rest of the night. Tuesday & Wednesday, I worked 16 hours each day, he was off. I made my own lunch each morning and ironed my own clothes while he slept in. Thursday morning (I worked 12 hours, he was off), after only 6 hours sleep, and snoozing my alarm clock many times he woke up mad. I had to ask him to make me coffee (I love coffee) and had to iron my own clothes. We argued on Thursday, with my primary complaint being that I didn't feel appreciated. I'm salaried, yet moonlight to cover the household expenses since he makes less hourly, and typically only works 32 hours a week. But this week, he only worked 18, which is why I overloaded on extra hours from the moonlight gig. Overall his response to my complaint was that it wasn't warranted. That he was tired. That he didn't think to do this or that for me. I couldn't sleep last night because of this. It hurts me, when I think how selfish he can be. I'm not a selfish person. I give and give and give. And I won't change myself, not more then I will ask himself. So...is this behavior something that will change over time? Or should I cut my losses now and move on? Looking for answers...
Lizzie60 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Simple answer: it will NOT change over time... You cannot 'give' to someone and expect him/her to give back the same thing... If you don't like you giving more than he does.. just stop.. he's not asking you anything. .you are volunteering ... so don't expect anything back.. To be honest.. I can't stand people like you.. sorry to be blunt but I can't stand people who volunteer then complain that they don,t get the same 'favours'..
Author WDrake_98 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Simple answer: it will NOT change over time... You cannot 'give' to someone and expect him/her to give back the same thing... If you don't like you giving more than he does.. just stop.. he's not asking you anything. .you are volunteering ... so don't expect anything back.. To be honest.. I can't stand people like you.. sorry to be blunt but I can't stand people who volunteer then complain that they don,t get the same 'favours'.. No need to be sorry Lizzie, I came here for advice and don't take it personal. So your point is valid. And to be honestly back, a relationship between the two of us would just not work. Question now is, does my bf feel the same way you do. If the answer is yes, then I'll know it's time to move on. A for the record, I don't ask for the same favours as I give him. I only ask to be appreciated. For instance, even after the argument and my feelings, I still put him first and made his lunch last night. After telling him I did so, I never got even a thank you. Yes, I did it out the kindness of my heart, but not even a thank you? Come on....
crazycatlady Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Did something change? Or did the newness of the relationship wear off and doing things and not being appreciated in return finally get to you? Because it kinda sounds like the latter to me. He's not going to change. He will not suddenly start doing what you want him to do. And I also have to agree with Lizzie. You give because you love and it feels good to give. Thankyous are nice, but not needed. Returned pampering is nice, but not needed. Not for a true heartfelt giving. CCL
Lizzie60 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 No need to be sorry Lizzie, I came here for advice and don't take it personal. So your point is valid. And to be honestly back, a relationship between the two of us would just not work. Question now is, does my bf feel the same way you do. If the answer is yes, then I'll know it's time to move on. A for the record, I don't ask for the same favours as I give him. I only ask to be appreciated. For instance, even after the argument and my feelings, I still put him first and made his lunch last night. After telling him I did so, I never got even a thank you. Yes, I did it out the kindness of my heart, but not even a thank you? Come on.... Well then.. he's simply a selfish jerk who has no manners (a simple thank you is nothing)... If I were you .. I would have a 'serious' talk with him... tell him what you posted here.. tell him how you feel.. and if nothing change .. move on... it will only get worst.. and probably to a point.. where you,ll be soooo miserable it won't even be funny... He was probably spoiled rotten by his mother..and probably expect his W to be the same... (my last ex was raised by his grandmother, never had to raise his little finger.. he was spoiled rotten... she did the same with her H).. Life is too short... we're not in those years anymore..
Eeyore79 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 When you give, you at least expect gratitude in return, and ideally some sort of reciprocation. If you give and give while receiving nothing in return, you're not engaging in "heartfelt giving"; you're being a doormat and allowing someone else to take advantage of you. I am not Mother Teresa; if you aren't at least going to be grateful for what I do for you then you can get lost.
Author WDrake_98 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Did something change? Or did the newness of the relationship wear off and doing things and not being appreciated in return finally get to you? Because it kinda sounds like the latter to me. He's not going to change. He will not suddenly start doing what you want him to do. And I also have to agree with Lizzie. You give because you love and it feels good to give. Thankyous are nice, but not needed. Returned pampering is nice, but not needed. Not for a true heartfelt giving. CCL CrazyCat, I would say that my schedule this week is far from normal. I've hardly worked this way, and he was off a extra day. So, it's not really a change per say, just this week was a little different. However, my thing is how he responded to things (or lack there of). Is this how things are going to be after marriage and kids? Will I have to work full time, take care of the kids and him...and then myself? Will I always have to ask him to do things for me? You know, life can be hard...I want a soul mate to compliment me, not be a pretty desk weight.
Author WDrake_98 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 He was probably spoiled rotten by his mother..and probably expect his W to be the same... (my last ex was raised by his grandmother, never had to raise his little finger.. he was spoiled rotten... she did the same with her H).. Life is too short... we're not in those years anymore.. Wow Lizzie, you really hit that one on the nail! His mother died in 2007, and it was clearly the hardest thing he's ever gone through. So how did you deal with your ex...I realize eventually ya'll broke it off, but in the relationship...how did you deal with the spoilness?
Author WDrake_98 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 When you give, you at least expect gratitude in return, and ideally some sort of reciprocation. If you give and give while receiving nothing in return, you're not engaging in "heartfelt giving"; you're being a doormat and allowing someone else to take advantage of you. I am not Mother Teresa; if you aren't at least going to be grateful for what I do for you then you can get lost. Finally someone that shared my point. Gratitude was the word I was missing. Gratitude , appreciation, something. I won't be a doormat for someone to talk on, nor will I allow someone to take advantage of my heartfelt givings. It's like oil and water. My personality is totally clashes with his. I do for him because I love him and I love doing things for him. How should I feel about his lack of doing things for me? Does he love me? Why does he accept all that I do, yet give nothing in return? Ha...here's another example. So we go into a Sears store to look at a particular item. The sales person rushes us. I'm not interested in talking to the sales person, as I know exactly what I'm looking for and know I will NOT be buying it in their store. I just want to look and go. Well the sales person, still pushes and eventually offers us a drink. I politely say no, I'm fine, where as my bf is like SURE . Deep down I was soo embarrassed. As if he couldn't afford to buy his own coke. He would just use this sales person for his personal gain. This after we had just left a restaurant and were already full.
SarahRose Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 At 5 months you are still getting to know each other. This guy sounds like a lazy selfish lout. People don't change. The point of dating someone is to see if they are compatible and sift out people who aren't. He isn't compatible.
LDR Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I agree with the previous posters and I would also stop doing things for him. . . he is a big boy, so he can take care of himself
Tizzy Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 I say dump him. He sounds like he has absolutely nothing to offer you in a way that matters TO YOU. If you're not compatible, don't force it or make excuses for it. There are too many other guys out there that might be a better match for you.
make me believe Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 He is using you. What kind of a man moves in with a woman and then only works part-time, letting her work 12-18 hours a day to make up the difference??? Gross.
torranceshipman Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 To be honest.. I can't stand people like you.. sorry to be blunt but I can't stand people who volunteer then complain that they don,t get the same 'favours'.. Tbh I agree with Lizzie, but I don't want to sound mean...just stop volunteering to do stuff. He'll probable be just as happy! Also, sounds like you have a heck of a lot of seriousness and responsibility and feelings of being weighed down with a guy that you've only been with for 5 minutes. You sound like you've been married 20yrs! Maybe take a step back, stop moving so fast, just enjoy getting to know eachother.
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