michg Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 If a married man does the following: Exchanges over 500 emails with another married woman,all about sex Keeps talking about what a great dad he is Keeps telling her what a beautiful child he has, praising her What a perfect wife she is, who sets the standards for every other woman he knows What a lucky man her husband is Goes out of his way to email her and see how she is, feeling insecure about her response Months later,w hen she doesn't reply warmly, emails again baiting her with topics that would get her to write back (like how fast her child was growing) Tells her to keep in touch, because she doesn't work there anymore Tells her he REALLY hoped she was doing well too, when all she said was she hoped he was Asks her to call him because he'd love to chat and was really looking forward to talking with her When she didn't and asked him to call and speak to her husband, he did (to save her) She finally goes to the office, he keeps talking about his kids again, how much he loves them and spoils them, showing off his fatherly skills He asks her to come into his office and close the door He touches her She says no and promises to come back He accepts and is disappointed, but tries his best to ensure she comes back They talk about their families He asks her to call him during the week so they can talk and they email when he's at work His emails are very courteous and he even apologizes for things, which he doesn't usually do, and he always writes her back right away Does all of this mean that my husband is in love with her? Or can it be just sex?
Lizzie60 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Humm... from what I read here.. he looks like he's very much attracted to her.. Is it love? hard to say.. but there is an EA going on for sure..
woe_is_me Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Does all of this mean that my husband is in love with her? Or can it be just sex? It's just sex .. in the lonnnnnnng run she will come to realize that do yourself a favour and kick his sorry ass to the curb now before he thinks you will put up with too much more
Jeff1962 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I would make it very clear to my H. that you will not stand for this type of behavior.
SleepingDog Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Bad news is: it seems clearly he is in love or at very least infatuated. This is how a teenager high on hormones behaves. I don't see evidence of a physical affai per ser. She seems to keep holding him off, am I correct? It seems a one-sided thing, almost obsessive. It happens that people fall in love. They don't always act on it, and if the fish doesn't bite, well, it can pass - until the next target - . You need to take action though. Confront him (agressively), confront her (by the looks of it she may not like him stalking her) and in the last resort: call her husband.
Spark1111 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 It most certainly does. How do you feel about these exchanges? What do you want to do about this?
Author michg Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 (edited) I plan to confront him and will print everything out. I just need to figure out if he has feelings for her first, as in he loves her, because then I will also serve him with divorce papers. I could get over the sex, but not the emotional betrayal, and I know that's wrong, but it's true. Other things he has done - do you think these indicate he has feelings of love for her too? Doesn't this seem like too much work just for a booty call?? Bad 1 - Asked about her marriage, when she said she liked porn, asked what her husband thought of that (inquiring about state of her married sex life/husband. Why??) Bad 2 - Remembers quotes from emails he wrote a year ago - like, he would say he swore on the lives of our children (!) to get her to believe him, now it's their code expression whenever he wants her to believe something he says. Bad 3 - Called her once, with her husband listening, to save her because she had gotten caught emailing again, even though he knew her husband was listening in and knew about their previous emails (she asked him to call and he did) Bad 4 - Lied to her once that he was at work when they were talking, when he was at home with me and the children, telling her he could talk, and left the house to talk to her because she called. (Worried about his image, didn't want her thinking he was doing that from home - because he doesn't want her thinking poorly of him.) Bad 5 - He has been after her for over a year, even when she went months not talking to him, any time he got an email directed at a group, he would reply to her asking about her and her life and try to engage her. She also sent him a birthday gift at the office and he was very thankful and said he hoped to see her soon. He tried to get her to touch him (sexually) when she went to the office and she didn't, according to what I read. Good 1 - They haven't met for sex yet and while they are trying to set a date, he just canceled and asked her when she's available next week. She told him and he hasn't written back yet. They have been trying to get together for a year. What do you think of these?? Thank you SO much for all the suggestions. Edited February 12, 2010 by michg
PhoenixRise Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Are you serious about these questions? Are you seriously asking yourself if all these actions equal feelings for the OW? Writing it all down didn't bring you any clarity? I am wondering if you are truly a suspicious wife questioning the actions of a wandering husband OR if you are an OW here to reassure yourself that your MM does indeed have real feelings (love) for you?
Author michg Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 I am not the other woman, I am his wife and I think it could be just about sex. But they haven't had any, so it could just be about the thrill of the chase for him and not love. That's one of my theories. or maybe he loves her, or likes her. I honestly have no clarity and that's why I need other people's input. Thanks, anyway.
2sunny Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Are you serious about these questions? Are you seriously asking yourself if all these actions equal feelings for the OW? Writing it all down didn't bring you any clarity? I am wondering if you are truly a suspicious wife questioning the actions of a wandering husband OR if you are an OW here to reassure yourself that your MM does indeed have real feelings (love) for you? i wonder the same thing. IF you - the OP - are the wife - why the hell would you stay married to a man that spends this much time and energy outside the marriage? FWIW - there is no marriage, per se' - he isn't in it, his heart's not in it and his head's not in it. so why bother? this is a pretend marriage.
PhoenixRise Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I am not the other woman, I am his wife and I think it could be just about sex. But they haven't had any, so it could just be about the thrill of the chase for him and not love. That's one of my theories. or maybe he loves her, or likes her. I honestly have no clarity and that's why I need other people's input. Thanks, anyway. OK then. This is at least an emotional affair. Key word here being "emotional"
bittersweet memories Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 If a married man does the following: Exchanges over 500 emails with another married woman,all about sex Keeps talking about what a great dad he is Keeps telling her what a beautiful child he has, praising her What a perfect wife she is, who sets the standards for every other woman he knows What a lucky man her husband is Goes out of his way to email her and see how she is, feeling insecure about her response Months later,w hen she doesn't reply warmly, emails again baiting her with topics that would get her to write back (like how fast her child was growing) Tells her to keep in touch, because she doesn't work there anymore Tells her he REALLY hoped she was doing well too, when all she said was she hoped he was Asks her to call him because he'd love to chat and was really looking forward to talking with her When she didn't and asked him to call and speak to her husband, he did (to save her) She finally goes to the office, he keeps talking about his kids again, how much he loves them and spoils them, showing off his fatherly skills He asks her to come into his office and close the door He touches her She says no and promises to come back He accepts and is disappointed, but tries his best to ensure she comes back They talk about their families He asks her to call him during the week so they can talk and they email when he's at work His emails are very courteous and he even apologizes for things, which he doesn't usually do, and he always writes her back right away Does all of this mean that my husband is in love with her? Or can it be just sex? I notice you posted back in Dec 2009..with the same exact post. Has he continued speaking since Dec with this OW?
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 It doesn't matter what it is, really. The solution? Divulge EVERYTHING to her husband and then slap your husband with divorce papers and a draconian alimony settlement so hard that he bounces and lands on her front steps with literally no where else to go. I think you'll see when you throw him at her, how much it is "love".
Author michg Posted February 13, 2010 Author Posted February 13, 2010 It matters to me if he has feelings, because then I will divorce him. And yes, they have talked since December, they talk even more now. Thursday was the last time, after talking on the phone a couple of days before. They're trying to get together this week and I don't want to confront him now. Do you guys really think he has feelings other than sex? I just need to know. Thank you again.
bittersweet memories Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 It matters to me if he has feelings, because then I will divorce him. And yes, they have talked since December, they talk even more now. Thursday was the last time, after talking on the phone a couple of days before. They're trying to get together this week and I don't want to confront him now. Do you guys really think he has feelings other than sex? I just need to know. Thank you again. I believe he does...and will have even more feelings once he sleeps with her no doubt. Seriously get some self respect and kick the sucker out or comfront him.. Why torture yourself??
dreamingoftigers Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 It doesn't matter if it is "just sex" it means he is treating you like you have less value for "just sex."
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Do you guys really think he has feelings other than sex? I just need to know. Thank you again. This won't be easy to take, but... He probably thinks that he is falling in love with her, and I suspect he thinks about her a lot when he is not with her. The fact that they haven't had sex yet just stokes his fire more, as he uses his imagination to fill in the blanks. Once they do the deed, he will be even more enflamed and they will do whatever it takes to have sex where-ever and when-ever they can. It would be primarily about sex, but it would be more than that as well, as all crushes are.
PhoenixRise Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 His behavior indicates that he does have feelings for this woman. However, you are looking for answers to this question in the wrong place. You made this post initially in December. Why haven't you confronted your H yet. Why are you allowing him to continue to cultivate a relationship with another woman while he thinks he is keeping you in the dark? What good is your silence doing? Is keeping silent helping your relationship at all? Apparently this OW's husband saw enough in their communications to be alarmed about. In fact he was so alarmed YOUR husband had to lie in order to save the OW butt. Tell your H you know he is having an affair and then confront him with the evidence and see what he says OR continue to stick your head in the sand and hope it goes away. OR come to peace with the fact that your H is cheating and live with it as best you can. These are really your only options. Strangers on an internet forum can't really tell you how your H is truly feeling. They can only tell you what his behavior indicates. AND based on what you have posted the indication is that he has feelings. BUT you know this already.
bittersweet memories Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 This is NOT going to go away if thats what you think...NO WAY. Unless you do something about it.
fooled once Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 It matters to me if he has feelings, because then I will divorce him. And yes, they have talked since December, they talk even more now. Thursday was the last time, after talking on the phone a couple of days before. They're trying to get together this week and I don't want to confront him now. Do you guys really think he has feelings other than sex? I just need to know. Thank you again. The only one who can really answer the question of "does he have feelings for her" is him. Ask him. I think you already know the answer though
JaneInVegas Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 This man is totally in love with her (sorry for being blunt) and is obsessed with her as well. He is struggling to find that 'one magical phrase' that will take the blinders off her eyes and make her realize what a fool she has been to not have realized she's been madly in love with him all along as well. She is on the fence, and it's impossible to say which side she will fall. If his advances were completely unwanted, she would have ended it from her side a long time ago. I suspect she's not getting enough emotional support from her husband, and your man is feeding it through an IV drip for her. I agree with another poster here, since they haven't had sex yet (and how do you know that for a fact, anyway? ... just curious) it's feeding the fire, the mystery and suspense, etc. She is the unattainable, and some men find that absolutely immaddening. I am in a somewhat similar situation (the OW lives 1,000 miles away, but everything else is very much alike) and I am learning how to cope with a man who has strong feelings for someone else. I don't know if we're going to make it or not, but YOU need to ask yourself if YOU can put up with this or not. It's tough, but if you love him enough, there could be a way to work through it. Good luck sweetie, you're going to need it.
Author michg Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 Thank you all for your input, it is really appreciated. Yes, I would work on my marriage. But if I confront him now, he'll know that I have access to everything and I'll never again know what he's been up to. Maybe I just need to work on my marriage from my side and never let him know what - and how - I know. I'm starting to see that maybe he does have feelings beyond sex, but his behavior is also contradictory. For instance, he said he'd email her a confirmation of their date to do it on Friday, never did. So on Thursday morning, she emailed asking and then he told her he had been out of the office and backed up with work, so could they please do it this week... and he apologized... (which kills me). Then she wrote back giving him the days and he hasn't written back yet. If he was so head over heels, wouldn't he have set a date right away? (Although, last week, she complained that they had to just go ahead and set a date, and his reply was "How about today??". So I don't know what to think.) I don't know what they talk about on the phone, I know there's dirty talk involved because of the subsequent emails, but I can't tell if they're really emotionally involved or not. If he was in love with her, wouldn't they have met by now? Maybe he's just using her for some phone sex now and then?
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 If he was in love with her, wouldn't they have met by now? Maybe he's just using her for some phone sex now and then? Not necessarily. They are likely bound by timing, and by fear on either side of getting caught. A man does not go out of his way or gush over a woman who he just wants to use for phone sex every now and then. He wouldn't bother talking to her at all unless he was ready to jerk off. It looks like there is a bit more effort going into it. Like I said, it is PRIMARILY sexual in that the fire between them is driven by lust, but not ENTIRELY sexual. You will want to stop this as soon as you can. Print out everything, get stuff on a voice activated recorder, do whatever you can to get 100% rock solid proof. Talk to her husband, and then the two of you confront them.
OliveOyl Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I am not the other woman, I am his wife and I think it could be just about sex. But they haven't had any, so it could just be about the thrill of the chase for him and not love. That's one of my theories. or maybe he loves her, or likes her. I honestly have no clarity and that's why I need other people's input. Thanks, anyway. If you read this forum a lot, you will see that "just about sex" is no small thing. It's a big thing. A very, very big thing. So don't try to distinguish if it's "just about sex" or it's "about love." Men feel love and connectedness through sex.
bittersweet memories Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Thank you all for your input, it is really appreciated. Yes, I would work on my marriage. But if I confront him now, he'll know that I have access to everything and I'll never again know what he's been up to. Maybe I just need to work on my marriage from my side and never let him know what - and how - I know. I'm starting to see that maybe he does have feelings beyond sex, but his behavior is also contradictory. For instance, he said he'd email her a confirmation of their date to do it on Friday, never did. So on Thursday morning, she emailed asking and then he told her he had been out of the office and backed up with work, so could they please do it this week... and he apologized... (which kills me). Then she wrote back giving him the days and he hasn't written back yet. If he was so head over heels, wouldn't he have set a date right away? (Although, last week, she complained that they had to just go ahead and set a date, and his reply was "How about today??". So I don't know what to think.) I don't know what they talk about on the phone, I know there's dirty talk involved because of the subsequent emails, but I can't tell if they're really emotionally involved or not. If he was in love with her, wouldn't they have met by now? Maybe he's just using her for some phone sex now and then? If it was all about sex, he would of did it with her already. Obviously its more than that. How can you be ok with this and not do or say anything about it. You must be ok with it. Good Luck..
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