raseberry10 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Can someone please help me understand why this man I love says he is not seeing the other person yet continues on a daily basis texting and emailing her - to check in and see if she is OK ?????? and also she calls him and he calls her ?????? what is the reason for him to see if she is OK he tells me that she is heartbroken and cant handle it - he tells me he is weaning her off ?????????? it is killing me inside since I have been back and forth with this man and continues to keep contact with the other person -- Please someone out there I need to know why a man would do this kind of actions I don't want to cry anymore.
sunrae Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 How long have you been dating? Who is this other person? an Ex?
Author raseberry10 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 thank you for taking the time to read my dilema I have been dating him off and on for 3yrs --- he has only been seeing her for about 5 months decided she was not for him and he told me he is trying to ease her out ??? but he continues to check in to see if she is ok ???
stillafool Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 He's doing this because he is having a hard time letting her go. Put your foot down and tell him either he is with you or with her. Tell him to make his choice and stick to it or you are gone. You don't owe her anything.
sunrae Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 thank you for taking the time to read my dilema I have been dating him off and on for 3yrs --- he has only been seeing her for about 5 months decided she was not for him and he told me he is trying to ease her out ??? but he continues to check in to see if she is ok ??? He needs to cut off contact with her. He decided that he wants to be with you and not her, so he needs to be with you and keep giving her false hope and checking on her. He needs to respect your relationship and cut her off completely, since it's bothering you, understandably.... Have you voiced your concerns with him?
Silver_star Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 He has to make a choice. You are a person, and he is treating you like a tool. He feels since you have been around for so long and there is feelings between the both of you that he can do whatever he wants and expects you to stand there waiting for him to give himself fully. You CANT do this, and you can lie to yourself as long as you want but it will wear down on your soul and your self esteem and exhaust you emotionally. You cant do this and he HAS to make a choice. Either cut her out (if he loves you and doesnt want to be with her anymore he will do that for you because the only way to leave her in the past is to move on and not be her "go to" guy because she misses him) Or you need to leave him behind because he is NOT giving you what you need. *hugs* you will get through this.
Author raseberry10 Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 thank you all for yur support ~~ i cant take much more ---- he tells me that he wants to keep it light with me and take it easy and not ready for a realationship ~~~ but yet he wants to have the sex and still keep texting her and weaning her off Thanks so much for taking the time to reply
Author raseberry10 Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 He needs to cut off contact with her. He decided that he wants to be with you and not her, so he needs to be with you and keep giving her false hope and checking on her. He needs to respect your relationship and cut her off completely, since it's bothering you, understandably.... Have you voiced your concerns with him? I have yet to get a straight answer > he told me that he is slowly weaning her off i dont understand why he is doing this I looked at his phone and saw all these text messages and emails back and forth I have not said anything I'm just sitting back like a sitting Duck ! thank yu so much for your input
paleblue Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 weaning her off? off what? hurt feelings? it is unfair to you. if you are important to him he would recognize this is hurting you and take steps to rectify the situation immediately. i bet it is an uneasy feeling when you see all those text messages. are you sure its just text messages? maybe he is trying to be a nice guy, who knows. but it is def unfair. he cant make you happy and her happy at the same time. he needs to make a decision. either that or you are going to make one for him eventually ...
hopesndreams Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 thank you all for yur support ~~ i cant take much more ---- he tells me that he wants to keep it light with me and take it easy and not ready for a realationship ~~~ but yet he wants to have the sex and still keep texting her and weaning her off Thanks so much for taking the time to reply It's bullcrap. He's cheating. Don't buy into the lies anymore. If he doesn't go NC with her, tell him it's over, and mean it. In fact, tell him it's over anyway. He's just a cheating dog. You deserve better right?
2sunny Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 thank you all for yur support ~~ i cant take much more ---- he tells me that he wants to keep it light with me and take it easy and not ready for a realationship ~~~ but yet he wants to have the sex and still keep texting her and weaning her off Thanks so much for taking the time to reply It's bullcrap. He's cheating. Don't buy into the lies anymore. If he doesn't go NC with her, tell him it's over, and mean it. In fact, tell him it's over anyway. He's just a cheating dog. You deserve better right? he keeps her around as his backup. he acts like a cake eater. find out if he really wants you. stop having sex with him while he's still acting emotionally torn. as long as he keeps in touch with her stick with this boundary. see what he does - that will tell you whether or not to get rid of him.
Author raseberry10 Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Did he cheat on you with this person? yes he has and also with her she has no idea that I exist and I feel like telling her I dont know her but I can certainly find out fast enough
paleblue Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 yes he has and also with her she has no idea that I exist and I feel like telling her I dont know her but I can certainly find out fast enough im sorry raseberry but the situation you are in is never a good sign. are you telling us that he talks to her and he has never even told her that you and him are dating???? if so that is outrageous and i would recommend you tell him -its her, or you. period. and if he choses you i would recommend you insist he tell her you guys are dating. what is he afraid of?? loosing his backup?? in fact i would recommend that you insist you are there when he phones her or text her or whatever. so you know for sure. you deerve better than being a dirty little secret, right??? you are not. but you know what i am saying right??? you are a repectable person and as such you deserve to be treated with respect! period.
2sunny Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 yes he has and also with her she has no idea that I exist and I feel like telling her I dont know her but I can certainly find out fast enough tell her now... she has a right to understand that she's being played as well as you do.
Author raseberry10 Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 im sorry raseberry but the situation you are in is never a good sign. are you telling us that he talks to her and he has never even told her that you and him are dating???? if so that is outrageous and i would recommend you tell him -its her, or you. period. and if he choses you i would recommend you insist he tell her you guys are dating. what is he afraid of?? loosing his backup?? in fact i would recommend that you insist you are there when he phones her or text her or whatever. so you know for sure. you deerve better than being a dirty little secret, right??? you are not. but you know what i am saying right??? you are a repectable person and as such you deserve to be treated with respect! period. I know I deserve better but yet I seem to fall in the hole again I know he is not being up front with me and I have asked him all I want is the truth NO MORE LIES ~~~` you can remember the truth ------ but not the LIES thanks for taking the time to read my dilema ----- have you yurself had this happen ???
paleblue Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 i know it's hard when you like someone and want to be with them but at the same time you are not a doormat to be used. ive been in similiar, yes, and would not allow it to happen again to me. i wont be anyones secret again. it never turns out good. and it's usually you that gets hurt because the person doing it to you doesnt really care or respects you that much, or they wouldnt be doing it in the first place. you should tell her, and then dump him. then he is out both. ha ha
Author raseberry10 Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 i know it's hard when you like someone and want to be with them but at the same time you are not a doormat to be used. ive been in similiar, yes, and would not allow it to happen again to me. i wont be anyones secret again. it never turns out good. and it's usually you that gets hurt because the person doing it to you doesnt really care or respects you that much, or they wouldnt be doing it in the first place. you should tell her, and then dump him. then he is out both. ha ha yes you are right that is exactly how i feel like he does not respect me and I'm just there for the taking thank you very much for your input I truly appreciate it
paleblue Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 sounds like you are just booty call. otherwise why wouldnt he tell her. if he was seriously into you he wouldnt be talking to other women especially an ex girlfriend. he would have ditched her and not looked back if he respected and loved you. welcome. anytime.
celluloid Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I was in the exact same situation two weeks ago. If you want to read about my story its in the thread "Is he doing all the work or am I? on page 2 or 3 in Second Chances. My boyfriend of six years had some depression and mental issues going on and he blamed me instead of trying to work on himself. He left me, alone, in our apartment, with all the bills., and came back to me on and off for two months. Come September, I found out he had met someone else. He left and kept blaming me and tried to replace me with this nothing girl who he cared nothing about, as he told me. Well when she starting messing around on him behind his back, he really supposedly became clear of what he had done to us. So he tried to get a hold of me since October and I finally picked up the phone in January. I let him come into my new place. I let him explain himself. He cried. He knew and confessed to everything he ever done wrong in our relationship. Begged me for another chance and then when I told him that in order for us to rebuild he would have to go NO CONTACT with the other girl - he told me no and that he was not ready for a relationship. After he begged me for another chance. Amidst this one week, we slept together twice, I was ready, after everything he did to me, to let him back in my life and give him my heart again. He was here again and left again choosing, in my eyes her, over me. It has been like, what I would assume, heroine to a recovering addict. I don't know what you can take from this, because even reading yours and everyone telling me to let it go, its nearly impossible -- I don't even know if it is possible yet, bc I have not been able to do it. I know who I am without him. I can live without him, but I don't want to. And knowing that he has done this to me again, makes me angry, sad, depressed, and all I do is cry. I miss him so much. He is not this person, he has chosen to be this alternate person to deal with something I don't know, but he has nearly burned the bridge between us. I don't know how many times I will go through this until there is nothing left of that bridge. I still feel so connected to him and our life together. I can't imagine myself with anyone else. As for the other girl, even after everyone has told me different, I still sometimes let that little wonderment of 'was I out of line by asking him to stop seeing her?' I know deep down I wasn't, bc I can not be with him knowing he sees her and talks to her. He says they are only friends now, but they slept together - which the thought of that and the initial response I had to it made me vomit - literally and still nearly does. I don't know what to tell you, all I know, is I know where you are. It hurts, god, it hurts. It consumes me. I am crying just writing this. I am so sorry that you are going through this too.
jenifer1972 Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 This guy is playing both of you and is getting what he wants from you, sex, without having to make any commitment either. Win, win for him.
2sunny Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I was in the exact same situation two weeks ago. If you want to read about my story its in the thread "Is he doing all the work or am I? on page 2 or 3 in Second Chances. My boyfriend of six years had some depression and mental issues going on and he blamed me instead of trying to work on himself. He left me, alone, in our apartment, with all the bills., and came back to me on and off for two months. Come September, I found out he had met someone else. He left and kept blaming me and tried to replace me with this nothing girl who he cared nothing about, as he told me. Well when she starting messing around on him behind his back, he really supposedly became clear of what he had done to us. So he tried to get a hold of me since October and I finally picked up the phone in January. I let him come into my new place. I let him explain himself. He cried. He knew and confessed to everything he ever done wrong in our relationship. Begged me for another chance and then when I told him that in order for us to rebuild he would have to go NO CONTACT with the other girl - he told me no and that he was not ready for a relationship. After he begged me for another chance. Amidst this one week, we slept together twice, I was ready, after everything he did to me, to let him back in my life and give him my heart again. He was here again and left again choosing, in my eyes her, over me. It has been like, what I would assume, heroine to a recovering addict. I don't know what you can take from this, because even reading yours and everyone telling me to let it go, its nearly impossible -- I don't even know if it is possible yet, bc I have not been able to do it. I know who I am without him. I can live without him, but I don't want to. And knowing that he has done this to me again, makes me angry, sad, depressed, and all I do is cry. I miss him so much. He is not this person, he has chosen to be this alternate person to deal with something I don't know, but he has nearly burned the bridge between us. I don't know how many times I will go through this until there is nothing left of that bridge. I still feel so connected to him and our life together. I can't imagine myself with anyone else. As for the other girl, even after everyone has told me different, I still sometimes let that little wonderment of 'was I out of line by asking him to stop seeing her?' I know deep down I wasn't, bc I can not be with him knowing he sees her and talks to her. He says they are only friends now, but they slept together - which the thought of that and the initial response I had to it made me vomit - literally and still nearly does. I don't know what to tell you, all I know, is I know where you are. It hurts, god, it hurts. It consumes me. I am crying just writing this. I am so sorry that you are going through this too. you stated a firm boundary - which was totally reasonable for a guy who says you are his priority. if he's unwilling to let her go completely - he's just bs-ing you with words while his actions still intend to have her in his life. since he was clear - i would say not to bother with him any longer. you are holding feelings for the man you THOUGHT he MIGHT be, not the man he actually is.
celluloid Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 I haven't. I haven't said one word to him nor has he contacted me since. The fact that he hasn't hurts too. I want him to beg me to talk to him, but he is not. However, you do see and maybe understand, that this is hard. Harder than hard. I mean, six years of the same person that I knew turned this way is so hard for me to believe that what he is now is who he always was? I am not one to dwell on the past, but the connection was so strong and still feels strong. I have tried so hard, but it's just like trying to crack cement with my bare hands - I just can't do it - I don't know how, and I don't really think I want to. I have been to counseling, and on medication and nothing works. I just can't seem to even begin to find peace with it. The whole situation seems so gray. As if there is something I am missing, maybe if I just hold on a little longer he will come back letting her go and all his problems he will have sorted out with time. - You just can't help who you love, you know, and I don't want to stop. It's like if I do, he's died, because I can't be friends with him after all this. It's either all or nothing you know?
Author raseberry10 Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 This guy is playing both of you and is getting what he wants from you, sex, without having to make any commitment either. Win, win for him. I wish I new how to approach the situation with him he says he cares about me but wants to go slow I always wonder if he is over her house I found out where she lives and I know that is not a healthy thing for me to be doing but why am I afraid to say anything right now ? I want to but yet something says wait ??? wait for what --- and if I did tell this other women about his ongoings with me -- I'm afraid of the outcome like I would be the child and he would look at her like she is the stronger one but how can she be strong when he tells me she is ( was )madly in love with him just only knowing him for a short time of maybe 5months ? and she is having such a hard time with it all --what about me ? I guess for me it's all about the sex to him --- I feel like **** and every-day this wears on my mind ~ thank yu for your reply you are right
Recommended Posts